This is my challenge response for "Sex Ed at Hogwarts." (posted on PotterPlace) It will be several chapters long, though I don't have a length approximation. Try not to be too harsh, I'm pretty new to writing fanfic )

Thanks to my Beta hpbcn! She helped make this story palatable

Violets are blue
Roses are red
These characters belong to JKR
Only the plot bunnies came from my head

Chapter One: Professor Picking

Upon returning to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hermione Granger had found a lot of things had changed in the ten years since she had left. She had graduated from school at the age of 18, receiving Muggle medical training by joining in the Muggle military for a few years. Once completing both her training and her six year contract with the military, she came back to the wizarding world and attended another four years of intense magical medical training at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The school had recently instated a health education class for all students. This class was a response from the Board of Governors after several incidences of teenage pregnancy occurred.

Sexual education had always been left up to the parents to teach their children when they felt they were ready for it. The goal was to teach them about basic precautions and why you should or should not wait to be involved in a highly physical relationship. However, parents seemed to be failing to teach their children about such matters, and parents had been outraged about the scandals of children getting pregnant while at boarding school.

Because this was a health class, Hermione was put in charge of teaching it. However, because she wasn't a certified instructor, she was required to have a professor in the class. There was no doubt on her ability to teach, but the Board of Governors required a professor to be present for the duration of class to assist with lesson plans. The class was to meet once a week with all students, most likely segregated by year. The amount of information would depend on what year the students were. First through fourth years would be mainly given information about disease prevention and proper elementary precautions. Fifth and sixth years would be given more in depth information with more of an "open forum" feel to the class. Seventh years would be given an open forum type of class. They could ask any questions they wanted, and the staff would answer them without prejudice.

Unfortunately, none of the professors wanted to teach the course. They all felt it was an inappropriate subject to be teaching in school. Because of a severe lack of enthusiasm in regards to teaching a health class, the Headmistress was forced to push the subject onto an unwilling instructor. For sake of fairness, all names were thrown into a hat, and Hermione was to choose at random who would be helping her teach the class. The weekly staff meeting had been held begrudgingly. Most of the professors had been trying to make up excuses as to why they couldn't be in attendance. Severus Snape went as far as to claim that the Dark Lord had called him for a meeting.

"Severus, you know that Voldemort has been vanquished for nearly a decade now! Close your mouth and get to that meeting!" Minerva McGonagall reprimanded her coworker and surrogate child. She had known Severus since the age of eleven and felt as though she had raised him. Well, to some extent anyway. He had been in Slytherin while in attendance, but he had been teaching at Hogwarts for 25 years and been a spy for the Order of the Phoenix for a majority of that time as well. She had grown to love the boy—no, man—but that didn't change the fact that she could have been his mother and she held a very motherly love for the cavalier man.

During the meeting all the professors had to write their names down on a scrap piece of parchment that was placed in an ordinary wizarding hat. Hermione stood along the back wall of this meeting. She wasn't normally in attendance of these weekly meetings, but Headmistress McGonagall had requested her presence to pick the name of the instructor that would be assisting her in teaching the newly formed health curriculum. They would discuss everything from drug prevention to weight control to sexual habits. None of the teachers were looking forward to this course, but action needed to be taken! Students becoming parents, and at school! Parents had been outraged by such scandals and they had demanded action.

Once all of the names had made their way into the hat at the front of the room, Hermione had been called to pick a name. She picked up the hat, covered the top with her hand and shook it up before turning her head to the side. She closed her big chocolate coloured eyes and reached her hand into the hat. She felt around to make sure that she only had one piece of parchment before opening her eyes and unfolding the paper. Her jaw dropped slightly before reading off the name written in a spidery scrawl. "Severus Snape." There was quiet amongst the staff while Snape curled his hands around the arm of his high-backed chair, clenching his jaw tightly shut. Hermione giggled inwardly. If this man teaching sex ed doesn't prevent the student populace from fornicating I don't know what will.

Severus Snape was probably the poster child for "unsexy", well, at least the conventional version of sexy at any rate. His voice did have a sultry, silky timbre to it. There had been too many classes where Hermione had caught herself starting to venture into fantasy-land because of those sultry tones. On second thought, maybe there will be more fornication because of this class… His eyes were black, but they often seemed to hold a fiery passion in them. He had a way of holding himself to seem like a very foreboding figure. He wasn't overly broad and was only slightly taller than average, but the way he carried himself could make you feel like he could stop the world. Wait a minute! I'm thinking sexy thoughts about Snape! Hated Potions master and killer of all things cute and cuddly!

Shortly after this staffing choice had been decided, the meeting was dismissed, and everyone was granted permission to go about whatever tasks needed to be done. Hermione was going to head back up to the hospital wing. She was still working on her inventory. She wanted to do brew some potions herself. She always found potion making to be a rewarding and relaxing experience, though most of the potions would continue to come from Severus. To Hermione's surprise, Snape followed her upon being released from the meeting, his black hair bouncing gently with his long striding steps and black cloak billowing behind him in his favourite menacing fashion. Most students thought that his cloak billowing was practiced because of how he chose to walk. This wasn't a complete lie; although he did opt to help the process along with a few well placed charms to give his cloaks just the right amount of snap to them. Too little snap and he just looked like he was always rushing about; too much snap and he looked a bit like an overeager dancer. No matter what anyone tries to tell you, overeager dancers just aren't scary.

"Miss Granger, may I have a word?" Snape's sultry tones went from her ears straight down her spine to a rather personal area. Trying not to blush Hermione stopped in her tracks and waited the five seconds his striding took to catch up to her.

"Of course you may, Severus."

"There are a few things I would like to discuss with you." They began walking up the hall together, continuing towards the hospital wing. Hermione's gait was a slow jog, trying to keep up with his striding steps. Hermione wanted to take notes on the teaching curriculum. She was eager to see what he wanted to talk about and how to approach it. She felt firmly about the fact that they should not include only wizarding guidelines. After all, not all students would stay in strictly wizarding areas, and she did not want to risk anyone being unprepared for Muggle standards.

Upon reaching Hermione's new office, she sat behind her desk, motioned to a seat across from her for Severus and pulled out a stack of parchment, quills and a bottle of ink.

"What did you wish to speak about?" Hermione asked him setting the quill to write the transcript of their conversation. "You don't mind the notes, do you?"

"No, that's fine. I want to ensure your awareness that I despise this class and that I will not be doing any work towards it."

Hermione went to open her mouth to object, but he raised a hand silencing her and continued his tirade.

"I think the whole idea is foolish. If we teach the children about sex, they'll be more inclined to experiment, which will only lead to further problems. Of this, I am quite sure."

"Severus, if we teach them about dangers, they will be more inclined to think before they act on their hormones."

"I wasn't finished! I also refuse to teach with a bushy haired know-it-all."

"I believe you don't have much of a choice on the matter."

"Well, if I truly am stuck, then I insist that you come to the dungeons later. I'll give you a sample of my self-brewed shampoo and conditioner. It's a little known fact that my hair used to be a bit unruly. If you like what it does, I'll brew you a batch to the potency that you need to contain that rat's nest you call hair."

Hermione clenched her jaw. She hardly felt dignified taking beauty advice from a man with limp greasy hair.

"My hair isn't greasy, Miss Granger, it's simply well conditioned. I'd hate to be a distraction to those pesky dunderheads so I do my best to bring out the, shall we say, less desirable, qualities I possess."

Hermione bit her tongue to resist commenting that his personality should be more than sufficient to keep away most school girl crushes.

Deciding to move onto a less offensive topic, Hermione brought up the lesson plans she had in mind. "I was thinking about including both Muggle and wizard information into the curriculum if that's acceptable with you."

"Yes, yes that's fine Miss Granger. Plan all you wish and allow me to look everything over when you're done. You'll be the one teaching those dunderheads anyway. I plan on only being there for show, you see."

"I look forward to you being decoration in my classroom, Severus. Although, I must say, most decorations won't sneer and scare the children. And would you please just call me Hermione? You don't even have to call me the whole thing if you don't want to. Just don't call me Herms, I can't stand that nickname!"

"Okay… Herms." Severus decided to test the waters on calling her just that, even if she did say she hated it.

"If you ever call me Herms again, I assure you that I am well versed in several Muggle and wizarding ways to eliminate various parts of your anatomy that you may have grown partial to over the years. I will proceed to pickle them and send them back to you as I see fit."

Severus cringed at the thought of losing various body parts and receiving them at some unnamed date in a pickle jar. He did have to hand it to the girl; she had quite an intimidation streak to her. With a bit of good coaching, she could have first years quivering at the mention of her name! He was especially proud of that fact about himself.

Submission guidelines:



Parents in the Wizarding world have traditionally told their children
about 'the birds and the bees' in their own time. But this is causing
problems at Hogwarts (gee, problems with sex at a coeducational boarding
school where the age range runs from the beginning of puberty to full
hormonal fever pitch? Who could have guessed?)

The exact nature of the crisis is up to you; but whatever the triggering event
or series of events, the Ministry of Magic and/or the Board of Governors has
decreed that once a year, a class on 'reproductive health' (or your favorite
euphemism) will be taught.

Since we monkeys issuing the challenge aren't interested in the educational
quality of the class per se, the only absolute requirement for course content
in your version of 'Sex Ed at Hogwarts' is that the little monsters must be
told where babies come from. You decide how much detail you wish to go into,
and which other topics to cover.

Naturally, no teacher will voluntarily touch that class with the proverbial
ten-foot wand, so you decide which professor(s) draw the short straw.

Additional information:
1)Challenge commences July 7th and concludes August 21st (just in time
for back to school frenzy to start kicking in!)

2)Length: 2,000 to whatever you can write within the time limit. No
extensions, but if you go multichapter and haven't finished it by the
deadline, what you have up to that point can be submitted for voting. Any

3)No 'pairing' requirements. You can have any or none. If you opt
for 'any,' please keep everybody legal (if not ethical.)

4)Oh, and set it whenever you like—AU is fine; if you can shoehorn it
into canon (pre- or post- HBP), also fine!

5)Post on TPP (The Petulant Poetess)

6) Voting will commence on Potter Place August 26th-ish, and the poll will close September 4th--so the 'cirriculum' will be all ready for the good professors when school starts up! MUHUHWAHAHAHA!)

Optional Shenanigans:
You don't need to incorporate any of the following features—they are just
suggestions to get you in the right frame of mind!

--Someone is revealed to have an interesting kink or fetish as a result of the
course. How public the revelation is up to the author.

--The topic of sexual injuries is brought up, to the extreme psychological
trauma of every male within listening distance.

--The topic of menstruation is broached, and people are badly squicked.

--Someone (it matters not whom) asks the question (of anyone), "What was
losing your virginity like?"

The answer is either

"None of your business" (at which the conclusion is reached, either correctly
or incorrectly, that the respondee is still a virgin)


"Which time?" (you're on your own for a follow up if you choose to use THAT

--Make up really freaky Wizarding STDs and/or discuss how wizards deal with those from the Muggle world.