Disclaimer: I'm just a poor girl playing with someone else's toys.
Thanks to my betas! HPBNC and hp4freek

Warnings: Out of Character, hardcore style. Minor language, too.

Chapter Eleven: Plotting and Pornography

In class

Winter break was nearing, and most of the students would be going home. There was another fortnight of classes before the school was mostly empty. Most of the staff would leave in the days following, save for the Headmistress and her Deputy, herself, and any Heads of House that had children staying. Maybe near Christmas would be a good time to talk to him.

She walked down the corridor to reach her classroom. There were still a few minutes before the bell rang and children flooded the halls, heading to their next destination.

Hermione lectured about the importance of exercise today, before opening the floor up for questions from the students. She had become a bit of a confidante for the students. Questions were not always about sex anymore; they asked for relationship advice, and would mention problems at home sometimes. Some of the students had taken to seeing her in the hospital wing if they needed someone to talk to for guidance.

"Miss, I was wondering. A friend of mine said that she's been seeing an older wizard, but their relationship has been kind of hard. She loves him, but he can often be distant or mean. Do you have any advice to help her cope?"

Hermione looked at Severus with a glint in her eye. "Why don't we ask Professor Snape if he has any advice for your friend? Professor?"

He glared at her with disdain, and gave her a formidable sneer. He hated when she threw him into things like this. He sighed noticeably before he tried to answer the girl. "The problem with dating someone when there is an age gap is that there is always a different level of experience between partners. Regardless of how big or small the age gap is, there is bound to be a time when they are at different places in their lives. The older you get, the less an age gap really means, because your life changes at a slower rate and becomes more stable. If you need an example of this, just look at when you were a young child. At the age of two, you may not have been able to walk without falling often, your speech wasn't very well developed at all. Yet by the age of five or six, only about three years later, you were learning how to read. About ten years from there, you were fighting with your parents, trying to show them you're old enough to take care of yourself, and trying to become your own person. Whereas, a person who is forty has barely any difference from someone who is sixty. In the Muggle world maybe there are more differences; by sixty most adults are looking forward to retirement. But in the wizarding world, when you can live a healthy life for nearly two centuries, there is hardly a difference between a forty year old and a sixty year old." He looked over at Hermione, whose eyes had become a bit glossy with unshed tears. "Is there anything you would like to add, Miss Granger?"

"No, Professor. Does that answer your question, Miss Blane?"

"Yes, thank you Miss Granger, and Professor."

"Are there any other questions today?" Hermione asked, looking about the class.

"Miss, I heard about someone losing their diaphragm, but I thought that was in your chest. How can you lose it?"

She smiled and held back a chuckle. "It's a different type of diaphragm, Mr. Smith. Some Muggle women opt to use them. They don't protect against disease, like condoms do, but they will protect against pregnancy. It is inserted into a woman's vagina, often with some sort of spermicidal that kills sperm on contact, placed along the rim of it. It takes being rather comfortable with your own body to insert and remove, but it can stay inside of you for eight hours at a time."

"Brillant, you don't even need to think ahead to do that!" "Would I have to fish it out… from down there afterwards?" "Wouldn't it be all slimy and gross?" Those were just some of the comments sprinkling the room.

Severus waved his arms over the classroom, causing silence. "I think there has been enough masturbation education for today. Class is nearly over, you are all dismissed." He sneered at the class as they rapidly packed their bags and scampered out the door. He turned to Hermione. She held her ground and stared at him stoically. "What is the meaning of making me answer inane questions about relationships? Did you think that you would find out about what you believe is going on between us by my advice to some teenaged twit?"

Cue mood music. Song "Are You In This?" by Stroke 9

Hermione did not stumble over her words, and she did not sniffle, or give an air of hurt feelings, or a want to cry. Her words came out free of all emotion, which surprised her. "I know you have passion, Severus. I've seen it on your face when we are alone, and caught in a moment. I don't know what you want, but I'm willing to respect your wishes. I don't know what you're scared of, but I wish I could quiet your fears."

Cue change in music. Song "Himerus and Eros" by The Spill Canvas

"You probably don't think you're worth my attentions, because of your dark past. I know all about your dark past, and you know what? I love you in spite of it all. The bossy little know-it-all, who wants to change the world one problem at a time. Well, this time I want my problem to be you, Severus. I don't want to help you out of pity; I don't want to spend time with you because I don't think anyone else would. I want to spend time with you because I love you; I want to help you to become a better person for yourself, and for me. If you loathe me that much, then I'll leave you alone, but if I'm right about the fact that you don't hate me, you're just scared, I want to help you through it. Even if we don't work, there will be someone out there who will love you, and need you, despite what you think you are."

Hermione climbed off her soapbox with tears in her eyes. She did not wait for a response, because she did not think she would get one. She gathered up her parchment and headed towards the door. She had a hospital wing to attend to. She swept out of the classroom in a manner that would have made Severus proud, if he had not just pushed her too far and caused her to sweep herself right out of his life.

Cue music. "The Truth" by Good Charlotte

Three days later, after dinner

Severus had taken time to think out his predicament and decide what he wanted to do. It took him a few days to get around to it, but he realised he was a right old bastard. He stole into Hogsmeade, under the pretense of needing to get some ingredients. He picked up a single red rose from the local florist, and headed up to the hospital wing to see Hermione. He opened the door softly, with the flower hidden behind his back. He did not see Hermione bustling about, so he knocked on the door to her office.

"Yes?"

He opened the door and drank in his view. She looked terrible; her hair was a mess, her make-up was smeared from her crying, and her eyes were red and puffy. "Hermione," he whispered.

"Severus," she responded coldly. He held out his flower as a peace offering.

"You were right, you know."

"What about?" she asked, determined to make him say the words and not just insinuate his ability to be a prat.

"Me." Was the only response he offered her.

"You admit that you acted the part of an ass-gremlin?"

"Yes, Hermione, I've been a huge ass-gremlin."

"And, how about a punkass, do you admit to being one of them too?"

"Yes, I was a punkass as well."

"And, how about to being a hateful, self-absorbed bastard?"

"I was a hateful, self-absorbed bastard." He sighed before he continued. "Hermione, I'll admit to being anything you want me to. I was a punkass, an ass-gremlin, a prat, the great greasy git of the dungeons. I'll admit to anything that you wish to use to define my personality and actions. I'll do any of this as long as I can keep you as my company, and we can try to figure out how to make me less of a sadistic son-of-a-bitch."

She laughed at his words. It was not a laugh of mockery, it was a laugh of relief and amusement. He loved her! She had her snarky Potions master back, and that was the greatest news she could have ever hoped for.

"I'm glad you feel that way. There is only so long a girl can cry over a heartless, old fool." She closed the gap between them, before wrapping her arms around his neck and passionately kissing the man of her dreams.

Notes: Thanks for everyone who read this to the end. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you noticed anything in here similar to other fanfics, I do apologize. I've read an obscene amount of it as of late, and perhaps threw together some original ideas with whatever I had read lately, unintentionally of course. This story was all in good fun; it was a bit of parody, a bit of humor and a few darker bits to keep the plot running.

I'd like to give one more gigantic thanks to my lovely betas, HPBNC and hp4freek! Thanks for all the help that admin, and NotSoSaintly have provided me with.

Remember, a little snark makes the world go round )

muzic

PS: I know it's not very British to say "ass" but I suppose that was my personal vocabulary coming through. I'm notorious to refering to people as 'punkass' or 'ass-gremlin'. Punkass generally isn't a put down coming from me, but ass-gremlin generally is.