The modern torture of Sesshourmaru

Ch 1: Washing machines and Kami-sama! what do you mean Pink!
Inu yasha Insert your version of my kind of disclaimer. Be sure to include a ribbon, pandas, nitroglycerin, and something about how cute shippo is.
behold my army of emoicons... How do you get past this whole no line thing on the site?
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Kagome sighed for the hundreth time that day. Her entire house had been turned upside down by a dog demon and this time it wasn't Inu Yasha. Sesshoumaru, Lord of the West, was sitting in her laundry room, staring at the wet, now blotchy pink mess of his tail. His eyes were flickering between rage, fear, truama, and humiliation.

"One more time, Sesshoumaru-san. How did your tail become pink?" Kagome sighed, again, rubbing her forehead and wishing for painkillers.

"For the last time, miko, this Sesshoumaru will not tell you." He growled, pushing the wet mess behind him. She could still see most of the pink patches, making the fearsome demon lord seem, well, almost cute in a horrifying way.

Kagome changed her tone. "Look, Sesshoumaru-san, all of this is not my fault. You're the one who tried to kidnapp me when I was returning here. You are also the one who fell into the well, oh masterfully graceful one." Sesshoumaru's eyes lit up with rage at this, but Kagome plunged on. "If you would just tell me what happened, I might be able to fix it. Now how did your fluffy thing become pink?"

Sesshoumaru grumbled something about not being fluffy and refused to answer. Rin wandered in from playing with Souta right then and squealed. "Sesshoumaru-sama! Your tail is pink. Rin likes pink!" She ran over, grabbing the tail from behind. "Eeewww, its all wet! This is almost the same pink as Rin's kimono that Sesshoumaru-sama gave Rin for her birthday!"

Kagome looked down at Rin and smiled. It was not a pleasant smile, more conniving than nice. "Rin-chan, didn't I put your kimono in the washing machine to clean out all the mud?" Rin nodded, picking up a towel and begining to towel dry the fluffy tail. Sesshoumaru tried to push her off, but she clung on. "So that means... Sesshoumau, you were in here a while, just trying to put on some simple jeans and a t-shirt. Did you happen to be trying to clean off your tail? With the washing machine maybe?"

Sesshoumaru growled and stood up. "You told Rin that it would clean off the mud. This Sesshoumaru thought it would clean off my tail faster than spending an hour in your bathhouse room, scrubbing with that 'champoo' stuff." He swatted at Rin, still toweling off his tail. "So I sat on the machine and waited for it to finish." He held up the half dry, colorful mess. "What this Sesshoumaru did not know is that you put magic in there to clean and recolor Rin's kimono. Now I am forced to wait until I start shedding again to go back to the my home."

"No. I don't think we will have to wait for that." Kagome shuddered, reaching into the cubboard above the washing machine. "There has to be something here to fix this."

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"Ok, if something here doesn't work, then nothing will." Kagome announced triumpantly. "We got every coloring agent known to man, every cleaning fluid, hair dye, and buckets of paint. One has to work. The alternative isn't very pleasant if it doesn't."

"Ohhhh! Look at this bottle, Sesshoumaru-sama! Its so pretty!" Rin held up a bottle with a striking model on the side. She rushed over and shoved the bottle in his face. "What's it say? What's it say?"

He took the bottle. "For external use only. Do not get in eyes, ears, nose, or any other orfaces." He recoiled. "Just where do they want this hair dye not to go?"

Kagome made a face. "You don't want to know. You just don't want to know at all." She shuddered. "Rin-chan, you'd better go play with Souta. This might get a little ugly."

Sesshoumaru was reading the bottle. "If in eyes or mouth, rinse thoroughly with warm water and call poison control center. Poison? You're going to posion this Sesshoumaru?" He looked at Kagome sharply. He went on with the label. "Side effect may include hair loss, hair damage, unwelcome perm or black lung."

"Black lung? Its white hair dye!" Kagome exclaimed. "That's so wrong. I knew there had to be a reason why I never read the bottles."

"Let's just get this over with, human." Sesshoumaru sat down, laying the Fluffy out beside him, preparing for the worst.

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The most important thing they learned that afternoon is that nothing works when you are argueing over if white is really white. To Kagome, the tail was white, but every single time HE said that it really wasn't. There was always a tint she couldn't see, and Sesshoumaru claimed it was because she was only human and her eyesight could never compare to his. The second most important thing they learned is a demon lord can get very cranky when one of the side effects comes out in his tail. The good news is he never had a better tail perm. At the moment, Kagome was sitting across the kitchen from a very mad youkai, holding a purified kitchen knife very close. Sesshoumaru was flexing his claws; probably imagining her neck in in them.

"So now what?" Kagome asked nervously. She looked outside where Souta was showing Rin how to throw a frisbee.

"This Sesshoumaru will now kill you. Then I will stay in this time until I shed out all of this undignified color and curl." Sesshoumaru said with a straight face, looking at the wall behind her. "For your assistance, I will give you your choice of death. Fast and very painful or maddeningly slow with the pain rising?"

"Oh, gee, lemme think. How about not at all? It's not totally my fault your in this mess, actually not even mostly my fault! If you wanna stay here, your going to have to first not kill me, and second, your going to have to cooperate with me." She paused for a moment. "Mom's gonna be a problem. She is not going to let you stay here, so we have to find a appartment for you. Got money? No? Well, your going to have to sell your stuff." At his evil glare. "I only get a little allowance and I don't mean Tensaiga or the other sword. Just the clothes. I have stuff for Rin to wear and we can find something for you in the store."

All Sesshoumaru did was glare.

"It's your only choice."

"No, killing you is still an option open to me."

"But not to me. And not really for you. You have two options when you get down to it. Stay here or go back. Or you could shave your fluffy tail thing. That might work." Kagome looked thoughtful and sesshoumaru looked terrified. "Nah. Too much trouble. You'd probably put out my eyes for that."

Sesshoumaru looked up as Rin ran in. "Rin, do not get dirty. That machine has caused this Sesshoumaru enough trouble."

Kagome snickered. "Well, if you plan to stay here, you might as well learn how to do it yourself." She reached for a phone book. "Let's get started. We need to find two things. An antiques dealer and a job for you."

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I decided about halfway through this that I want to do another chapter fic. So its humor. Maybe a little Sess/Kag? heh heh heh...With Alscye Onei, resident writer of mcdonalds by the paddock mall, you will never know!