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Sometimes one makes a choice that seems great at first, but then when looking back on it you realize that it wasn't... in fact it was the one thing that you wish you would have never thought about, let alone done.
I loved him... It's a simple statement and even after so many long years, it's still true. He is still the one who holds my heart and I am certain he will always be the one. I swore that I would get stronger... I would get strong enough that I would be able to take him as my spouse. I would get strong enough to block those who would try and keep us apart. I would get strong enough to admit to my father I loved Shisui...
I never realized what the price of that power would be. When I found out that there was a way to become even more powerful, I was crazy with relief. Literally, crazy. I didn't understand the sacrifice that it would take to acquire that power.
Our final evening will live in my mind forever. The sweet taste of his skin... the silken feel of his body... soft sound of his sexual elation... Even now I can still recall it all perfectly. But with the good memories comes the horrifying thing I did.
That night as my sweet-Shisui lay resting I preformed a breath-stopping jutsu on him and threw him off of the bridge. It wasn't until I used the mangekyou sharingan for the first time that I realized what I had done. I had killed him in order to get the power to keep him by my side. After that my mind was clouded... I could only think of hate and rage. Not directed at myself as it should have been... but at the village and society that put me into a position to have to resort to such extremes. It was their fault I killed him. At that time I felt I had no other option.
I can recall telling my little brother that he would have to kill his best friend if he wished to become powerful. Even then I could not share the knowledge of my love of Shisui. But for another reason... not for fear, but for greed. It was my love... no one else had the right to know it. Not then and certainly not now.
After many months of madness and destruction, my sense came back to me slightly. I had to find a way to bring him back. I would get him back and no one would ever separate us again. But my moments of true insanity would come and go, leaving me with little time to discover the route to raising the dead.
Then by chance I found it. If I were to harness the power of a true demon, harness it and make it my own I could bring him back. At that time I remembered the demon that had been sealed into a little boy in my home-village. I knew it would be far easier to capture a demon in that manner than to try for a freed one.
Once I thought I had found him again, that perhaps my insane self had brought him back, but then I found out it was just a henchman. That one looked so much like Shisui that my heart stopped for a moment but then he spoke, not in the soft dulcet tone of my lost lover, but in an almost gritty voice.
Shisui was called Shisui of the Mirage for two reasons. The first was his very special use of the sharingan. The second was far more obvious. Unlike the rest of the Uchiha clan he possessed hair the color of starlight. He was fair tempered when most of the clan was foul. He was light, we were darkness. The nickname of Mirage was more referring to his lovely visage that promised the viewer peace, but then his Uchiha nature would come out and he would turn into the true nature of a mirage. The good would melt away to reveal a barren waste land.
But... that was not how he was with me. For me, he was always the beautiful vision. He would always greet me with a soft word of praise and an even softer kiss. For me, Shisui was goodness personified and when I killed him, I killed my only source of goodness.
Now, I am waiting to die. I will die by my brother's hands and I will go find Shisui in the after-world where we can be together and no one will say a thing.