A "Kim Possible/Venture Bros." Quickfic
By Erin Mills
Dr. Drakken sighed and sipped his third Fuzzy Navel of the night. He had come to the Bermuda Triangle Club to be alone after that little snot Kim Possible had ruined his latest world domination scheme.
The plan had been so perfect. Flawless. Everything had been taken into account. And that…cheerleader had ruined it all with a tube full of guinea pigs. GUINEA PIGS, for God's sake.
So, he left Shego to her own devices and went out for a drink…or six.
Drakken grunted and adjusted the pink bow tie the bouncer had once again forced onto him. Stupid dress code.
"Barkeep! Give me a Harvey Wallbanger and make it snappy!" came a shrill, nasal voice. Drakken looked to his left and saw a ridiculously thin man in a gold and black butterfly costume on the stool next to him. A golden crown was pinned to the black cowl the other man wore. He had a narrow reddish goatee and ludicrously long eyebrows. The newcomer also wore one of the stupid pink club required bow ties.
The newcomer looked over at Drakken. "You see anything green, friend?"
Drakken turned back to his drink. "No," he said uncomfortably, "Not at all. Just noticed they got you too."
Drakken pointed to his tie. "The tie. They got you, too."
"Oh, the tie, right." The butterfly man replied. "Always the same, isn't it? You finally get a reputation, earn a little respect in the supervillain community and there's always some hulking brute who insists on some cockamamie dress code! Well, next time, that bouncer will feel the sting of the Monarch!"
"Monarch's don't sting." Drakken replied, finishing his drink and signaling for another. The bartender brought him another, along with the Monarch's first.
"Don't contradict me!" The Monarch snarled, downing the drink. "I could have you hauled off to my Cocoon and show you monarch butterflies that not only sting, but would rend the very flesh from your bones! Barkeep! Gimme another!"
"Fine, whatever!" Drakken said, taking a sip of his own drink. "Just pointing out the idiocy of the dress code in this place."
The Monarch glared at him for another moment then his face relaxed. "Ahh, sorry. It's been a bad day."
"I know how that goes." Drakken said. "Latest world domination scheme get foiled?"
"I don't do world domination. Too much hassle, and these days if I was to try anything like that the Guild would start quoting me their stupid little rules and regulations."
"The Guild," Drakken snorted. "Bunch of stuck up pricks. They kicked back my application six times already. "
"Be grateful. It used to be about the villainy, now it's just paperwork and treaties and rules and regulations. I mean, for crying out loud, aside from the benefits package, there's no reason to join the Guild these days."
"They can get you a decent archnemesis though." Drakken replied.
"Oh please," said the Monarch. "Don't tell me you bought into that 'balanced adversaries' crap on the video. The line up of heroes these days are just as bad as the losers the Guild has on the payroll."
"Wait a second, don't you have the son of Jonas Venture as an archenemy? That seems like a decent matchup. Venture was one of the best."
Now it was the Monarch's turn to snort. "Oh, please. Have you ever met Rusty Venture?"
"The poor schmuck's been kicked in the balls so many times by life its ridiculous. His old man may have been a great hero, but he was a lousy father. And Rusty was a great boy adventurer, but he's no superscientific genius like his dad. After a while you realize that there's nothing you can do to Venture that he hasn't already done to himself. It's like arching Charlie Brown."
"So why do you keep taking him on?"
"Because he's an insufferable jackass!" The Monarch ranted. "He's too damn stupid to see how rotten his life is. He's convinced he's just as feared and respected as his father. And he can't write a decent sonnet to save his own miserable hide!"
Drakken blinked a couple of times as the Monarch fell silent. After a couple of moments he opened his mouth.
"Maybe," Drakken said, "But at least you don't get your plans foiled by a damn cheerleader."
"Cheerleader?" The Monarch said, looking at him and trying to suppress a grin. "You're archenemy is a cheerleader?"
"Go ahead, laugh. I would too if I were in your place." Drakken said, signaling for another drink.
"Please tell me she's at least a college cheerleader."
"High school." Drakken said. "Ever hear of Kim Possible?"
The Monarch's mouth dropped open. "Wait a minute. You're complaining because you have Kim Possible as an archenemy?"
"Call me crazy, but sometimes I would like to go up against somebody who isn't young enough to be my kid." Drakken said.
"But, Kim Possible!" The Monarch said. "Do you know how few truly competent teen heroes there are these days? If it wasn't for the fact that she's not 18 yet, she'd be on the Guild's Most Wanted List for sure. Hell, rumor has it they're saving a spot for her at number seven once she graduates."
"She's still a teenager. I'm pushing 45. Kind of discouraging when you keep getting beaten by a teenager."
"I can see that," the Monarch replied. "But I don't think you realize how good you have it. I mean, I have teen heroes hassling me too, but they're just…have you ever seen Hank and Dean Venture. Creeeeeeepy."
They both signaled for more drinks. As the night wore on, the number of empty glasses in front of them increased, as did their mutual list of complaints about being a supervillain.
"And the henchmen!" Drakken said, slurring his speech slightly.
"Oh, don't even get me started on the henchmen." The Monarch replied. "When they aren't botching up your plans, they're writing sordid little tell all books filled with nothing but LIES! I NEVER SLEPT WITH A TEDDY BEAR AFTER AGE SIX!"
"Didn't that thing hit number eight on the New York Times Bestseller list?"
"Yes, dammit! And Dr. Girlfriend left me, and it's…I don't wanna talk about it anymore."
"Yeah, but do your henchmen fear you? Mine don't." Drakken said. "The majority of them are too dumb to be scared, and Shego…well, Shego's Shego."
"Be grateful yours at least follow your orders without excessive buffoonery. I have…comic book geeks." The Monarch shuddered. "Comic book geeks who have no concept of priorities."
He grabbed his drink and downed it. He looked over at Drakken.
"My friend, until you charge an entire squad of Guild Strangers with no weapons other than a collection of geek memorabilia and wearing a pair of Hulk Hands like so much Lou Ferrigno, you don't know shame."
"Hulk Hands?" Drakken quirked an eyebrow.
"Don't ask. I was trying to get the Cocoon back up and running after I broke out of prison."
"Oh right, I heard about that. I also heard something about you and King Gorilla…"
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
The bartender turned back to them, and gave them a look. Both of them looked at each other then grinned innocently. The bartender glared and turned to another customer.
"So one of your henchmen really wrote that tell all, huh?" Drakken asked. "I should probably sneak into Shego's room and look for a manuscript.."
"Right," The Monarch said with a sneer. "Good luck finding any secret manuscript. What you need to do is, change her blood to acid and feed her to sharks."
Drakken blinked and looked over at the other supervillain. "That seems a little extreme."
"That ought to teach your henchwoman not to meddle in the affairs of supervillainy!" The Monarch ranted on, ignoring him. "That is, if you can get the sharks to feed..."
Drakken frowned, a little unnerved. "Umm..small problem. She's superpowered."
"Oh, right... she's one of THOSE. You could engineer a lab accident." The Monarch paused in thought. "Although that might turn her good and send your hand forward thirty years into the future. You know how that stuff works."
"Well, she does keep Kim Possible occupied when an escape is necessary."
"Yes, but no henchman's worthwhile if they aren't sacrificial pawns to cover your ass."
"Yeah," Drakken said, starting on a fresh drink. "But I guess she used to be one of the good guys before she started working with me."
"Jeez. You really won the lottery. Next you'll tell me she's got an entire family of do-gooders... and... oh, right. My bad." The Monarch looked uncomfortable.
Drakken waved a hand dismissively. " No biggie. Yeah, her brothers are all superheroes but she really seems to be annoyed by them more than anything. I doubt she'd go back to being one of the good guys."
The Monarch signaled for another drink and sipped it thoughtfully.
"Do you know how big the Guild's file is on her?" he asked. "27 pages...and that's just the synopsis."
Drakken sputtered as he inhaled his drink. "27 pages!" he coughed.
"Yeah, well... you know... anal-retentive bureaucrats. Got to keep tabs on her hero days, then keep more tabs when she changes sides." The Monarch took another swig of his drink, then looked over at Drakken.
"And does anybody ever purge the mistake? Hell, no! One time -- one time -- you shoot yourself in the leg, everybody in the Guild laughs at you!" He sighed and took another drink. "Sorry, got off topic there for a sec. Anyway, about Shego. Half the Guild wants her on the most wanted list and the other half wants her signed up immediately
It's like... high school."
Both visibly shuddered as unwanted memories crossed their minds. They then order another round of drinks to erase said memories.
"Maybe it's a good thing they kicked back my application then." Drakken said. "What about me? I know they keep tabs on everyone. How big is my file?"
"What do I look like, the Guild Librarian?" The Monarch snapped. "I just happened to notice her file the last time I was at the central archives, okay? I don't know how big your file is. Jesus!"
There was an uncomfortable silence. They finished their drinks and asked for another round. The Monarch's shoulders relaxed and he glanced over at Drakken.
"Still, from the photos I've seen, she looks damn good in that jumpsuit."
"Yes. Yes, she EEEP!" Drakken's eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth. The Monarch grinned and giggled evilly.
"That was a dirty trick." Drakken said.
"Yes, it was." The Monarch replied. "So, what's the deal with you and her? Ever hit it?"
"What! NO!" Drakken yelped. "It's purely a professional relationship!"
"Come onnnn," The Monarch said, lowering his voice and leaning over. "She lives in your lair, doesn't she? Ever been tempted to sneak a hidden camera in her bedroom…maybe the shower? Even once? Huh? Huuuuuuh?"
Drakken looked around nervously and then leaned over. "Only once. When she first started working for me. Hid a nanocam in the shower."
"And?" The Monarch wriggled his obnoxiously long eyebrows.
"Well," Drakken said, after taking another look around to make sure Shego wasn't suddenly going to appear right behind him. "Let's just say that if you think she looks good in the jumpsuit, if you saw what I saw, you'd say she looks FANTASTIC out of it."
The two of them chortled like a couple of middle schoolers over a copy of Playboy, then signaled the waiter for more drinks. The conversation continued for a few minutes discussing the physiological merits of various superheroines and villainesses of their acquaintance. Much sniggering and lowbrow comments were heard. As the night wore on, more drinks were consumed. Both soon lost count of how many.
A little later, Drakken reached for his latest drink, missed, and grabbed it on the second try. "Gotcha!" He downed it and looked a little unsteadily at the Monarch. "So, Dr. Girlfriend...pre op or post op?"
The Monarch let out a short, sharp laugh. "She's all woman, blue boy."
Drakken snorted again. "So what's the deal with her voice then? She's got a sound like a Bronx longshoreman that swallowed a cheese grater."
"Look, she's just got a deep voice, okay!" The Monarch shrieked. Her turned back to his latest drink and muttered into it. "Christ... sound like Jackie Kennedy with a three-pack-a-day habit, all of a sudden you're a transsexual."
Drakken shrugged and lifted his glass to his lips." Whatever you say..." he coughed loudly. "…Kinggorilla…"
The Monarch was on his feet and pointing his wrist mounted dart launcher at Drakken instantly. "You want a dart in the eye?"
Drakken rose unsteadily to his feet and pulled out a futuristic looking pistol. "You wanna sonic neuralyzer in those weird ass eyebrows?"
The Monarch's frown deepened at the threat. "Nobody messes with the eyebrows. They are a symbol of my mighty..." his frown turned into one of concentration as he looked for a decent word. "Monarch…ish…ness." he finished lamely.
"That's not even a word." Drakken replied.
The frown turned into another sneer. "Ah, grammar advice from Freakazoid's evil twin. This is just what I need."
"Better Freakazoid's evil twin than Lord of the shortly lived insects!" Drakken snarled.
The Monarch stepped nose to nose with Drakken and started screaming into the mad scientist's face. "You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me!"
Drakken grinned nastily. "No thanks. I'm not one for sloppy seconds after 500 pound gorillas."
:The Monarch bounced away from Drakken, raising the dart launcher. He staggered a little as dizziness overtook him. "That's it! Prepare... to feel the sting... of the Monarch!"
Drakken tensed as the Monarch pointed the launcher at him, then relaxed as the Monarch's eyes rolled back and the butterfly obsessed supervillain passed out on the floor. Drakken walked over to the Monarch's inert form and prodded him with the toe of his boot.
"Lightweight." he said. He turned away dramatically, then put out his arms as his own dizzy spell came upon him. He managed to take a couple of steps before falling over and passing out himself.
The bartender came over and leaned over the bar. The two supervillains were snoring loudly, attracting disgusted stares from some of the other patrons. The bartender rolled his eyes.
"So much for that tip." He went to one of the doors leading to the kitchen. "Yo! The costumed freaks passed out! Somebody call the chick with the glowing hands and the two geeks in the butterfly suits to come get 'em!"
He looked back at the two drunken villains. "Some days, I really wish Big Daddy would lift that 'no cut off' policy."
"Kim Possible" copy right © 2006 Disney, Created by Bob Schooley and Mark McCorkle
"The Venture Bros." copyright © 2006 Cartoon Network, Created by Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer