Requested by: Kyu Ryu
Characters: Team Gai, Team Kakashi, Team Asuma, Team Kurenai, Sand Siblings, Iruka, Itachi, Kisame, Tsunade, Jiraiya
Situation: All men are gay, and paired. Most of the girls are major yaoi fans and tend to stalk the boys on their dates. The boyfriend factor gets to be a distraction in training so the senseis try to do something about it and fail miserably. Throw in Itachi and Kisame, who appear during a mass make-out session so no one cares, and you have your story.
Specifics: Homophobic Anko, hot springs, ravishing, ice cream, whipped cream, and ramen flavored bubble gum. Jiraiya discovering the wonderful world of boy love and dedicating an entire book to it. Tsunade, Hinata, Sakura, Ino, and Temari are major yaoi fan girls.
Pairings: Naruto/Sasuke, Kakashi/Iruka, Gaara/Lee, Neji/Shikamaru, Kiba/Shino, Kankuro/Chouji, and Itachi/Kisame.
Style: Third person; past tense.
Setting: many places of Konoha
Had a Bad Day
Anko was having a bad day. No, scratch that. She was having a horribly horrid day that she would much rather forget with a shit load of alcohol.
The poor girl was homophobic, you see, and it just so happened that today of all days every gay little boy in Konoha (and damn were there a lot of the bastards) had decided to make public gestures of affection that made Anko want to gag. Thus, her day was quickly turning into and becoming known as The Day of Hell.
It had started out simply enough, admittedly. She'd gone to Ichiraku to grab a quick ramen breakfast to start the day out right and, after ordering her usual (barbeque pork because damn was that stuff good), she had taken an innocent moment to observe her surroundings. And that's when the madness began. For there, sitting no more than two feet away from her, was none other than Umino Iruka who was giggling like a school girl. She immediately looked away, losing her appetite. The last thing she wanted to see was Hatake Kakashi kissing his way up another man's neck. That … was just plain wrong. Not wanting to stay any longer than necessary, she canceled her order and took off, heading down to the hot springs to maybe wash away the disturbing scene she had just witnessed.
What she found at the hot springs was even more disturbing. Fangirls.
"Oh my god! Did you see the way he was goggling Shikamaru's ass? I'm telling you, they're so into each other!" Ino declared with a triumphant grin. "My gossip is so much better than yours Sakura. Everyone knows Sasuke's fucking Naruto! It's, like, the biggest thing!"
Anko paled as she slid into the hot springs, her nose just above water level. Ugh. This is … just not my day.
Meanwhile, Sakura scowled at her 'rival' and then promptly went into pout mode. "Well, excuse me! And I never said they were fucking, I just said I saw them rolling around on the training field once, groping and kissing!"
Ino snickered. "That's as good as fucking, right?" She turned to the shy Hyuuga who had a fiery blush on her face. "So, come on, Hinata, spill! Is your cousin into Shika or what?"
"I, uh, I don't … know?"
"Bullshit!" exclaimed a temperamental blonde girl. Anko briefly wondered what Temari of the Sand was even doing in Konoha. "We know you know more than you let on, girly! I'll make you a deal. I have pictures here of my brother – the good looking one – and his boyfriend. Nothing, well, compromising or anything. But you get the idea."
Hinata gasped a little. "You – you mean, Gaara-sama is – is …"
"Yeah. Gay. And going out with Bushy Brows," Sakura informed with a lewd grin. "I followed them on a date once, Temari. I'm afraid that information is behind the times."
By this point, Anko had had enough and calmly snuck out of the hot springs before she was noticed and pulled into … fangirl discussions. She shivered at the thought. It was best to get away before something that horrid happened. Her next stop for the day was the mission room. Sadly, she couldn't even look Iruka in the face. And he's not bad looking either! Damn, why are all the good ones always taken or gay? Or both?
"Anko-san?" Iruka asked worriedly as he handed her an assignment. "Are you all right? You're awfully pale."
"I'm fine, fuck face!" she snapped before she could stop herself. She slapped a hand over her mouth and snatched the mission assignment with the other hand, hurriedly taking off in the opposite direction. Thankfully, the mission was out of town and she wouldn't have to be back until all the gay little boys had gone back into hiding. Well, that was her hope anyway.
Tenten glared at the two boys snuggling closer to her teammates and had the sudden urge to growl. She didn't, of course. She was a girl. And girls did not growl. "Sensei!" she pleaded to Gai, her lower lip quivering. "Tell them to leave so we can train!"
Gai, for his part, glanced back and forth between Lee and Gaara, wondering what was going on with his most precious student. "Lee?"
"Yes, Gai-sensei?" Lee answered with even more happiness than usual.
"Why … why are you …?" He couldn't quite figure out how to word his question.
Tenten did so for him, instead. "Why are you snuggling with someone he tried to kill you, idiot? I mean, sure, he's fucktastic, but really!"
Gai blinked, Lee blinked, and Gaara just looked smug. "Told you so, Lee-kun."
While all the focus was on Gaara and Lee, Neji was busy whispering something in Shikamaru's ear that made the boy's eyes go impossibly wide. "… Now that is … not troublesome."
"There you are, Shikamaru!" a new voice intruded on the field, sounding rather put out. "Gai, why did you kidnap my student?"
"I did no such thing, faithful comrade!" Gai furrowed his overly large eyebrows. "He just … appeared with my student."
"Ino! Drag Chouji and puppet boy over here, we have to have a talk!"
"Roger that, Asuma-sensei." She beamed and dragged a lip-locked Kankuro and Chouji into sight. "They're kinda busy, though."
"I don't care! Pull 'em apart or something!"
Ino pouted. "But they're starting with some tongue action now!"
Sighing, the light haired girl did as she was told and pulled the two apart. "There, happy?"
"Ecstatic." Asuma shook his head and then went to stand by Gai. "Our students are getting distracted … a lot, as you can see. What should we do about this? Ever since they all came out of the closest, all the training that's been going down is … well, a bedroom kind of training, if ya know what I mean. Kurenai, being a fangirl, has no problem with her students banging in front of her. Me, however, I really, really don't want to see puppet boy and Chouji going at it like bunny rabbits."
"What are Suna shinobi doing here anyway, dear comrade?" Gai was pretty much confused about this whole unlikely situation. He hadn't even known Lee was like that! What kind of sensei was he?!
"They're here for diplomatic purposes. Gaara should, by all means, be in a conference with Tsunade-hime right now. But, I'm betting she's fangirl, too, and set this whole thing up." Asuma shifted his eyes about as if the fangirls were going to ambush them any minute now. "At least we haven't been … targeted."
"Yet …" Gai supplied miserably. "Is my most Eternal Rival caught up in … in this strangeness as well?"
"Afraid so. I saw him making out with Iruka on my way here." Asuma shivered and then glanced at their students. Tenten was fighting with Lee about who had the right to call Gaara fucktastic, Chouji and Kankuro were back to making out, Neji had Shikamaru pinned under him, Ino was cheering them all on, and Gaara was busy fixing his eyeliner, having pulled out a pocket mirror from … god knows where. Asuma shivered again. "What the hell are we going to do, Gai?"
"We could …detain them and have them train separately?" suggested the other man hopefully.
Sighing, Asuma considered that idea. "But doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of why we're on four-man teams?"
" … You're right." Gai unexpectedly paled as he looked over the former glory that was his team. "Where did you get that whipped cream, Neji?! Put it away right now, young man! Tenten, Lee! Break it up before I break you! Shikamaru stop licking my student's cheek in that suggestive way!"
Asuma had already turned his head away with a sigh. "I think it's pointless, Gai. Our students are lost to us. We can only pray that Kakashi is having better luck with his own students."
"Sakura … what, er, are your teammates doing?" Kakashi had arrived late again. He almost regretted even showing up because his two male students practically had their tongues shoved down each other's throats. He had the nagging suspicion this was their new way of trying to kill each other. Or maybe it was some form of twisted rivalry. Whatever it was, it was amusing. No, no, it was wrong to think like that. He was supposed to break this absurd thing up. But that then led to the question of why Sakura hadn't already done so … "Sakura?"
Sakura, who had been ogling her teammates, jerked her head upwards to see Kakashi sitting in a tree that had a rather nice angle of the training grounds. "Ah, hiya, Kakashi-sensei. You're, uh, here earlier …"
Cocking his one visible eyebrow, Kakashi replied dryly, "I'm two hours late, Sakura. Well, do tell. What has the little girl so distracted?"
She pointed wordlessly to Naruto and Sasuke who were still kissing like mad. "I'm starting to think they're going to die of asphyxiation or something."
"… I wouldn't be surprised." Kakashi titled his head, leaning back against his tree. "Yo, boys, we training today, or are you both too busy checking each other's tonsils?" There was no reply. Turning his attention back to Sakura, he asked, "How long have they been like that?"
" … Two hours straight, I guess, with short breaks for breath. Maybe they're training to hold their breaths underwater?"
"That, or their training for the impossibility of someone trying to kiss them to death …"
"Yeah, at least they'll be prepared for that, too, sensei."
"It's hot, though."
So Kakashi and Sakura sat back to enjoy the show.
Jiraiya giggled; yes, giggled. He was getting great material for his new book, Icha Icha Yaoi, and boy was it coming in by the bucket loads! That thing the Inuzuka boy had done with the bug kid. He hadn't even known that was possible until today. And Chouji's idea to smother Kankuro in ice cream? That had been … interesting, to say the least. Needless to say, the ice cream hadn't lasted long. Neither had Kankuro for that matter. Sheesh, kids these days needed to improve their stamina or something! He remembered when he was young he could very well go at it for hours without stopping. Of course, that had been with beautiful, curvy, drop dead gorgeous women. But he supposed it was the same for boys love, right? Right.
Well, Naruto was a stamina-freak, but that Uchiha boy just gave him the creeps …
Anyway, things were looking up for Jiraiya's new book, and he had a feeling he was going to make millions when it hit stores next year. And it was all thanks to Tsunade-hime. He checked his watch and smiled. It was almost time for the finale. Fufufu.
At the end of the oddly odd day, everyone had just about thrown caution to the window. Asuma grabbed Gai and kissed him just for the what the fuck factor. And, unknown to both parties, Kurenai had snapped a shot of it to make sure her boyfriend could never live it down. Oh, and the blackmail factor for Gai was just too good to pass up, especially since he seemed to be enjoying the kiss.
All the established couples were present in the crowded, kissing filled streets as well. Shino had Kiba pressed against a wall, ravaging his mouth. Sasuke had Naruto on the ground, hands pinned above his head as he kissed his way down the other boy's throat (Kakashi had nothing to do with idea, never). Chouji had a possessive arm wrapped around Kankuro's waist as they kissed in the middle of all the confusion. Neji and Shikamaru had found a more secluded place to … have some fun. Gaara pulled Lee closer with his sand to better explore the other's mouth with his tongue, and somewhere near the Academy grounds Iruka was trapped underneath Kakashi as the jounin had his wicked way with the chuunin's mouth.
Kotetsu, seeing all the … kissing, shrugged and pulled Izumo into a sloppy, hasty kiss that was eagerly returned. And somewhere amongst all the confusion, Itachi and Kisame had snuck in to capture the Kyuubi. Upon seeing the mass make-out session, they, too, just shrugged and joined in. After all, Naruto didn't look like he was going anywhere any time soon.
"Oi, Sasuke, give me back my gum!" one loud-mouth blond boy shouted.
Sasuke smirked down at his prey. "Convince me." He paused suddenly as the flavor of the gum hit his taste buds. "Ugh, and why does it taste like ramen?"
"It's new!" Naruto pouted, squirming to get back up and make Sasuke give him back his gum.
Yup, Naruto wasn't going anywhere any time soon.
A/N: Keep those requests coming. I have a couple more to do before I'm caught up, but I love these things. They amuse me. I really can't wait to do the Kiba/Sakura one for some reason. I know, weird, aren't I?
Anyhoo, remember your request can be silly or serious. Or anything in-between. It's up to you.
This one was kind of hard to write because of all the extras and things I had to include, but ... I like the end result. That's just me, though. :D