Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.
An Azumanga Alphabet
By Silver Sailor Ganymede
The day was calm and peaceful, the sun shining and not a single cloud in the sky: until, of course, the lunch-bell rang and the Numbnuts Three were let loose from the confines of their classroom.
"I HATE LITERATURE CLASS!" Takino Tomo, Numbnut number one, screamed at the top of her voice as she charged into the yard.
"You probably don't even know what literature means," Kagura, the second of the numbnuts three, quipped, causing Tomo to turn around and glare at her, an extremely sour expression on her face. "I mean it would be fine if we had someone decent teaching us, but we've got Kimura," Kagura shuddered.
"And the work is confusing!" Tomo whined. "I mean what's the point of learning about claws or wahtever their called?"
"Clauses, and that's not got anything to do with lierature class," Kagura replied, rolling her eyes.
"Yanno," a third voice piped up, this one courtesy of Ayumu, a.k.a Osaka, the final member of the numbnuts trio. "Ah think Kimura's an alien."
"Sure would explain a lot," Kagura muttered.
"What about Kaorin?" Tomo asked, "I wouldn't be surprised if she was an alien… Yomi would tell me to stop being mean if she was here, wouldn't she?"
"Yup," came Kagura's reply, "usually because you are mean."
"I am not!" the wildcat-girl cried in utter indignation.
"Yes you are, and you're also a brat."
Tomo put on an expression of mock hurt, "I'm not a brat! You're a brat, I'm not."
"You're a hypocrite too I see."
"And you're Yomi-mark-two."
"We've been through this before," Kagura sighed. "I'm Kagura and I'm not some weird type of android."
"The aliens are androids, ain't they?" Osaka said, her eyes becoming glazed over again. "And they rule the world through candyfloss and stuff."
"Candyfloss!" Tomo's face broke into a grin, "I looooove candyfloss. Hey, guys, guess what I had for breakfast this morning?"
"Candyfloss on toast… again," Kagura rolled her eyes.
"Ah think they put that dynamite stuff in candyfloss, that's why it's all crackly."
"Osaka, that's not candyfloss…"
"Oh. But ah think they do coz when ya eat too much sugah ya feel like ya gonna explode," Osaka blinked.
"That usually happens when you eat too much of anything," Kagura shook her head in exasperation.
"What's that stuff in dynamite called anyway?" Tomo mused.
"Like we'd know, ask Chiyo later, she's the smart one," Kagura replied.
"Or I could ask Yomi; she's the one most likely to have homocidal tendencies," Tomo laughed.
"Who wouldn't with you around them for so long?" Kagura asked, raising an eyebrow as she spoke.
"Why you…" Tomo began, but Osaka cut her off before she had a chance to insult Kagura.
"Wouldyah be able to blow up the Earth if ya had enough dynahmite?"
"Don't you dare blow up my planet" Tomo shrieked.
"What do you mean your planet?" Kagura snorted.
"I mean my planet, as in it's mine," Tomo replied, "I'm the Queen of the Earth you know!"
"Well if ya the Queen of the Earth then cannya do somethin about the flamingos?" Osaka asked, causing both of her fellow numbnuts to stare at her as though she had grown another head.
"What?" Kagura asked.
"Well the flamingos are takin ovah the Earth again and all, so Queen Tomo should be able to stop them, right?"
"Yeah, I can beat anything coz I know everything" Tomo smirked.
"Says the girl who asked how to spell 'B.M.W'," Kagura muttered and Tomo sneered over at her.
"You're no better; you thought reindeer were real!"
"Tomo, we've been through this before; reindeer are real," Kagura groaned.
"Really?" Tomo's expression was clueless.
"What is it that makes flamingos all glittery?" Osaka asked, showing the others once again that she wasn't on the same planet as they were.
"Glittery?" Kagura frowned, "Osaka, did you forget to take you medication?"
"Ah'm not on medication…"
"Well this proves that you should be," Kagura shook her head. "Well either that or you should be in the nearest mental institution…"
"Ah wanna go to one of them," Osaka grinned. "Ah've always wanted a straight-jacket."
"You haven't you one off Ebay yet?" Tomo asked.
"They ain't got any," came the reply.
"What a surprise," Kagura said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I want a straight-jacket too," Tomo piped up.
"You probabably need one and all," Kagura mumbled. "You sure are nuts enough…"
"Yup," Tomo nodded, "I'm nuts; I'm evil after all."
"I don't even want to know, do I?" Kagura sighed.
"Well you know I have evil hair, right?"
"Oh gods, not this again…"
"Ah want micropore," Osaka said, her eyes going all glazed over.
"Why did you micropore yourself to the wall in the first place?" Tomo asked. "Anyways, this is diverting the conversation away from my evilness! How dare you?"
"Tomo, we really need to buy you a straight-jacket; immedeately."
Tomo, deciding that this comment was now offensive, barged into Kagura, knocking her fellow Numbnuts sideways.
"What did you do that for you ignorant brat?" Kagura yelled.
"So?" Tomo, who was now jumping up and down like a kangaroo on a pogo stick, asked in her most irritating voice.
"Ah wanna pet kitty," Osaka spoke up, her comment coming out of nowhere.
"You what?" Kagura frowned, "What's this got to do with anything?"
"Ah wanna pet kitty," Osaka repeated.
"What would you want a cat for, Osaka?"
Whatever the reason was, it was lost forever when Tomo shouted out, "Forget cats, I want a pet llama!"
"A llama," Kagura sent Tomo an incredulous look. "A llama."
"Yeah, you know, the thing that looks like a sheep with an elongated neck and all that jazz," Tomo replied.
"I don't think so…"
"Do llamahs come from Mars?" Osaka asked. "Cuz they'ze all alien lookin, yanno?"
"Llamas don't come from Mars," Kagura sighed.
"How do you know if you've never even seen one?" Tomo pointed out.
"I… well…" Kagura stopped, annoyed, "You know, this is one of these days where I am reminded why we're called the Numbnuts."
"Because we have numb brains that are made of nuts?" Tomo suggested.
"You sound like you've swapped brains with Osaka again," Kagura shook her head in exasperation.
"I have, I ate it," Tomo replied, licking her lips.
"What, are you a vampire again?" Kagura sneered.
"I'm a vambie, darnit, a vambie!" Tomo whined at the top of her lungs. "And besides, it tasted yummy."
"What, Osaka's brain?"
"Huh?" Osaka blinked, clearly without any clue as to what was happening. "Ah dun gettit."
Tomo sniggered, "Oh we're such obliviots."
"Tomo what's an 'obliviot'?"
"An obivious idiot," Tomo replied.
"And what does oblivious mean exactly?" Kagura asked, "I bet you don't know now."
"I don't, it just sounds majorly cool, doesn't it?"
"Ah wanna be a pirate," Osaka said.
Kagura looked at Osaka in a state of utter despair: "I'm beginning to think that Tomo really did eat your brain."
"But ah wanna be a pirate, coz they get parrots and swords and treasure," Osaka replied.
"So? You can be a pirate, but I'll be a pirate queen because I'm the best person ever!" Tomo smirked at them, causing Kagura to slap her round the head.
"What was that for?"
"Because you were being an utter prat: again."
"Oh well. Hey, why is everything that happens round here so random?"
"Sata Andagi," Osaka muttered, "Sata Andagi."
"Osaka's going on about doughnuts again" Kagura sighed, "I see what you mean about random; why can't we just have one normal conversation
"Coz it's us," Tomo shrugged. "Hey, what about turtles?"
"What about turtles?"
"Why are they green?"
"Why are you so thick?" Kagura shot back.
"I'm not thick!" Tomo shouted. "Anyways, I don't care really; turtles are so uber cool."
"Yet another one of your dull sayings?"
"I just like the word 'uber'," Tomo shrugged, "Coz it sounds so uber cool!"
"Do you just go round using any and every word you think sounds cool?" Kagura asked.
"I'm not an idiot!" Tomo yelled again. "I'm a vambie, darnit, a vambie! How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Tomo, give the vampire-zombie thing a rest now, okay?" Kagura sighed. It was then that she caught sight of a frown on Osaka's face; that was never a good sign.
"Hey, yanno that persident of the Chiyo-chan country?" Osaka began.
"You mean the U.S.A?" Kagura asked.
"Yup," Osaka nodded. "Well yanno the one that had an affair with his secretary of whatevah?"
"Yeah…" Kagura said, not at all sure what the smaller girl was going to say next.
"Ah think he was a werewolf."
Kagura blinked, "What?"
"He was a werewolf. The affair thing was justta coverup!"
There was silence for about thirty seconds before Osaka spoke again.
"Hey, ah just had an ideah!" Osaka looked astonished by something.
"Osaka, if this has anything to do with a 'magic box that heats stuff up', it already exists; it's called a microwave. We explained it to you yesterday,"
"Ah wasn't gonna say that," Osaka replied, "Ah just thoughta something about President werewolf."
"And that would be?"
"What if he got turned into a werewolf by an x-ray or something?" Osaka asked.
"I don't even want to know, do I?" Kagura shook her head.
"Oh what now?"
"Well yanno x-rays cause radiation poisoning and alla that?" Osaka spoke up.
"Why do I not want to know what you're about to say?" Kagura sighed.
"What if ya stuck a yack undah an x-ray? Would it cause the yack to mutate into a zebra?"
"I dunno," Kagura shrugged. "Go and ask Chiyo."
"Well ah gotta go see her anyways," Osaka shrugged, and so it was that the three Numbnuts made their way back to their classroom, where they found Chiyo and Yomi sitting behind Chiyo's desk.
"Chiyo-chan, ah wanna ask ya a question," Osaka said.
"Go right ahead," Chiyo smiled, "what is it?"
"What's that stuff ya put in dynahmite?"
"It's called nitroglycerine, Osaka, but why do you want to know?" the prodigy shot her friend a confused look.
"Because we want to blow up the world so I, Tomo the great, can rule over all," Tomo proclaimed.
"Maybe I should get hold of some," Yomi muttered, her eyes flashing behind her glasses. "There's a very slight chance you might actually stop spoting nonsense if you were dead."
"You see, I knew she wanted to kill you," Kagura told Tomo, who glared back at her.
"Shut up, Numbnut."
Tomo: And because we love you all so much, here's a special extra of the actual alphabet we used it this!
Kagura: In other words she's trying to buy time before Yomi comes to kill her.
Osaka: Ah wanna cheese candle…
Kagura: blank stare in Osaka's direction
Tomo: And now on with the show! A is for alien –
A is for alien –
Osaka: Ah swear they're takin ovah the world; ah saw them with mah own eyes!
Kagura: You really are a numbnut.
Tomo: Well we are the Numbnuts, right?
Kagura: Shut up.
Osaka: Kagura's an alien spy.
Tomo: falls over laughing
Osaka: So ah was right aftah all…
B is for brat –
Kagura: Another word for brat is 'Tomo'.
Tomo: Or more acutely 'Kagura'.
Kagura: Accurately you mean, idiot.
Tomo: So now I'm an idiot as well as a brat!
Kagura: You think we didn't notice.
Osaka: blinks Huh? Ah didn't know ya names both meant 'brat'… what langage is that in?
Kagura: shakes head You may be a brat, Tomo, but you sure aren't as dense as Osaka here.
Tomo: She's not dense; she's a space case.
Osaka: blinks again, then looks terrified The aliens have taken ovah mah brain and sent me into space already?
Kagura: Sure looks like it.
C is for candyfloss –
Tomo: I like candyfloss. Candyfloss is coooool. jumps up and down
Kagura: I don't like candyfloss; it makes her hyper and then we have to put up with it. glares over at Tomo
Osaka: The aliens own candyfloss; they own all stuff that's pink: yanno, like Mars.
Kagura: Osaka, Mars isn't pink. Osaka opens her mouth to speak. Don't even say it, the answer is no; Mars isn't made of candyfloss.
Osaka: It ain't? Then what about Venus? That's gotta be pink coz it's named after the goddess of love.
Tomo: I like candyfloooooooooooss! Is still hyper
Kagura: Why do I even bother?
D is for dynamite –
Osaka: singing Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite, KABOOM!
Tomo: Man she's nuts.
Kagura: Said the girl that yelled 'bomb alert' over and over again at the top of her voice last time she was in an airport.
Tomo: That was a joke!
Kagura: It caused a sercurity scare.
Tomo: Yeah, and?
Osaka: Ah wondah if they put dynamite in bombs or if they put bombs in dynamite…
Tomo: Beats me.
Kagura: You two really are complete numbnuts…
Kagura: It wasn't a compliment.
Tomo: It wasn't?
Osaka: singing Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite, KABOOM! Yanno ah want a pet bomb…
Kagura: groans That's even worse than your 'pet rock', Osaka, a lot worse.
Tomo: snorts with laughter
E is for Earth –
Tomo: I'm the Queen of the Earth!
Kagura: You mean Queen of the Idiots, right?
Tomo: Very funny. But I'm the Queen of the Earth.
Kagura: Sure, and I'm the Queen of Mars.
Osaka: pales Alien… spy… gulps
Tomo: What's up with Osaka? She looks possessed…
F is for flamingo –
Osaka: The flamingos are takin ovah the Earth yanno.
Kagura: sarcastically I thought that was the squirrels.
Osaka: They are too…
Tomo: Hey, I remember you saying this before. The squirrels are working with the Chinese mafia, right?
Osaka: Ah think so.
Kagura: still being very sarcastic I suppose that the flamnigos have links with the Yakuza then.
Osaka: Mah gawd, ah think ya right…
G is for glittery –
Osaka: Ah like glittery things!
Tomo: Forget glitter, shiny stuff pwns all!
Kagura: I swear you two are both part magpie… pauses and blinks Pwns?
Kagura: Tomo, stop using computer lingo when you speak; it's annoying.
Kagura: There's no point in saying anything to you, is there?
Tomo: Nope.H is for hair (evil) –
Kagura: Erm, Tomo, why have you put 'evil hair' under 'h'?
Tomo: Coz it was the first thing that came to mind. And besides, I have evil hair.
Kagura: Sure, whatever you say.
Tomo: But I do! I mean c'mon, I have horns for crying out loud! My hair goes into horns: it's evil hair.
Kagura: groans and shakes head
Osaka: Ah didn't think evil began with a h… unless it's a silent h…
Tomo: Sure Osaka, like the silent h in front of your name.
Osaka: But then ah'd be Hosaka
Tomo: No, the h is silent.
Osaka: Oh, ah see.
Kagura: And I give up.I is for ignorant –
Kagura: An ignorant brat is the best way to describe Tomo.
Tomo: Don't forget immature… hey!
Osaka: Ah don't get it…
Kagura: stares at Osaka This is why they say ignorance is bliss.
J is for jumping –
Tomo: jumping up and down Look at me; I'm jumping!
Kagura: rolls eyes Never would have noticed that. You know, Tomo, this is why you've been described many times as acting like a squirrel on speed.
Tomo: still jumping I have? Cool!
Osaka: Yanno with jumping?
Osaka: Well if ya jumped off of the school roof, wouldya fly?
Kagura: Do you really need me to answer that?K is for kitty –
Osaka: Ah think Sakaki's a kitty.
Kagura: And how exactly did you figure that one out? Or do I not wanna know?
Osaka: Well Sakaki loves cats, so she must be a kitty.
Kagura: That makes no sense, Osaka.
Tomo: Since when has anything she says made sense?
Kagura: I never thought I'd say this but I actually agree with you on this one, Tomo.
Osaka: But if Sakaki ain't a kitty then why did she wear a cat-bell to class?
Tomo: Hey! I was the one that did that!
Osaka: So are you a kitty, Tomo?
Kagura: snorts She's a wildcat.
Tomo: Yep, I… hey!L is for llama –
Osaka: Ah wanna pet llama.
Kagura: A pet what?
Osaka: A pet llama.
Kagura: A what?
Tomo: It's one of those things that looks a lot like a sheep with a really long neck.
Kagura: I thought that was a giraffe.
Tomo: Sure, Kags, sure.
Kagura: Don't call me by that stupid nickname!
Osaka: Ah wanna pet llama.
Kagura: Shut up!
M is for Mars –
Osaka: points up at the sky Look, Mars.
Tomo: Where? Where? I really fancy some chocolate right now.
Kagura: She was talking about the planet you numbnut.
Tomo: Planet? There are only stars up there, and what use are they when I, the greatest star of all, am down here?
Kagura: How many times has Yomi tried to kill you?
Tomo: Ten. Or was it eleven? I can't remember.
Kagura: I dunno whether it'd do much good though; I doubt you'll shut up even when you're dead.
Osaka: Do Mars bars come from Mars?
Kagura: Erm, no.
Tomo: I think Osaka's from Mars.
Kagura: Which is why she's called Osaka. rolls eyes
Osaka: Huh?N is for Numbnuts –
Tomo: Why do we call ourselves the Numbnuts again?
Kagura: Because we're thick.
Tomo: Because you're numb-minded and coz Osaka's a nut.
Kagura: And you're the biggest egotistical maniac on the planet, we know.
Osaka: But why are we called the Numbnuts when we ain't really nuts? Maybe our brains are walnuts in disguise.
Tomo: That explains a lot, actually.
Kagura: Why do you two never make any sense?
Tomo: Because you're a Numbnut.
Kagura: Gods you're observent.
Tomo: Thanks… hey!
O is for 'obliviots' –
Tomo: We Numbnuts are such obliviots.
Kagura: Tomo, what the heck are 'obliviots'?
Tomo: Oblivious idiots.
Kagura: Do you even know what oblivious means?
Tomo: Yep. I asked Chiyo-chan. See, I'm smart.
Kagura: You meant Chiyo-chan is smart.
Osaka: blinks So are we obliviouts or is Chiyah-chan an obliviot?
Kagura: sigh Go back to Mars, Osaka.P is for pirate –
Osaka: Ah wanna be a pirate.
Kagura: What was that for?
Osaka: Well yanno we had to make career choices and stuff today?
Osaka: Ah've decided ah wanna be a pirate!
Tomo: Why a pirate?
Osaka: Coz it's cool and Yukari-sensei said ah'd be good at it. Ah get to fight with a sword!
Kagura: You mean impale yourself on one… and since when have any of us listened to a thing Yukari says.
Tomo: What? You lost me…
Kagura: Go back to sleep, Tomo, you're probably about ten years behind the rest of us already.
Q is for queen –
Tomo: I'm the Queen of the Earth!
Kagura: So you've told us: about fifty million times: in the past ten minutes.
Tomo: But I am!
Kagura: You really are an egotistic idiot: you know that?
Osaka: So if Tomo's the Queen then what am ah? The King?
Kagura: Osaka, you're not a guy: only guys can be kings.
Osaka: Oh. So what am I?
Tomo: A Martian!
Kagura: Don't start this again; we're going round in circles…R is for random –
Kagura: Why is everything we say so random?
Tomo: Everything everyone says is said at random.
Kagura: blinks Did you just say something intelligent?
Kagura: Osaka, I think these aliens of yours have taken over and transported us into another dimension.
Osaka: Huh? Yanno, ah want some cheese…
Tomo: snorts Cheese candles: remember that one, Kags?
Kagura: That was you, not me.
Tomo: Oh yeah…
S is for Satan Andagi –
Osaka: has glazed experssion on face Satan Andagi.
Kagura: This is where I start getting extremely scared and worried.
Tomo: It's Osaka, she's always like this.
Osaka: Satan Andagiiii.
Tomo: Osaka, what is 'Satan Andagi'?
Osaka: Evil Sata Andagi. It's takin ovah the world.
Tomo: Sata Andagi? Aren't those those doughnut things we had in Okinawa?
Kagura: Yup, but where did 'Satan Andagi' come from?
Osaka: Satan Adagiiiiiii.
Tomo: Osaka's brain most likely.
Kagura: You mean her lack of brain more like.T is for turtle –
Tomo: It's a turtle!
Kagura: What is?
Tomo: That thing on Sakaki's bag!
Osaka: Ah don't think that's a turtle: it looks more like a panda.
Kagura: And besides, Tomo, turtles aren't black and white.
Tomo: What is it then?
Kagura: Probably a cat or something; you know Sakaki can't sew.U is for uber –
Tomo: This is so uber fantabulous.
Kagura: And that means what?
Tomo: I dunno what it means, it just sounds uber cool.
Osaka: Ah thought that was French.
Kagura: Yeah well you thought 'guten nacht mon amis' was how to say 'goodnight everyone' in English.
Osaka: Ain't it?
Kagura: This is why you're failing.
Tomo: So are you.
Kagura: So are you. We're even. Now can it.V is for 'vambie' –
Tomo: grins evilly I'm gonna dress up as a vambie for Hallowe'en!
Kagura: A what?
Tomo: A vambie! Remember! A vampire-zombie!
Kagura: I think I remember that. Was that when Osaka used micropore to stick herself to the wall?
Tomo: Yup, but I wanna be a vambie.
Kagura: And how do you plan to do that?
Tomo: By dressing up as a vampire with bandages on.
Kagura: That's a mummy, not a vampire.
Osaka: appears out of nowhere Look, ah have micropore!
Kagura: What the?W is for werewolf –
Osaka: Ah think Bill Clinton was a werewolf.
Kagura: What on Earth?
Osaka: Bill Clinton was a werewolf: yanno when he had that affair thing, ah think that was just a scam to hide that he'd really been going out and killing innocent lil things for their blood.
Tomo: I think she's had too much sugar.
Kagura: I am never letting Osaka watch a horror movie ever again. Ever.
X is for X-ray –
Tomo: I like x-rays; you can see inside people when you use them.
Kagura: Well done miss observent.
Tomo: I know I am grins
Kagura: shakes head
Tomo: Anyways, you remember those x-ray glasses you'd get free with kids meals and stuff in resteraunts?
Tomo: Wouldn't it have been cool if those worked for real?
Kagura: Right, sure…
Osaka: comes into the room wearing a pair of x-ray glasses Look guys! Ah can see everything! walks into the wall Owie…
Y is for yack –
Tomo: You know Osaka thought that a yack would turn into a zebra if you shoved it under an x-ray?
Kagura: sighs What are you on about this time?
Tomo: Well you know when Osaka thought…
Kagura: I heard you the first time.
Tomo: Sure you did; it's not my fault you're too wrapped up in your sports to listen to anything anyone tells you!
Kagura: And it's not my fault you're too stupid to listen to anything anyone tells you. Now get on with what you were saying before.
Tomo: Well you know a yack would apparently turn into a zebra?
Tomo: Well what would Yomi turn into?
Kagura: What on Earth?
Osaka: Ah think Yomi'd turn into her true form: an alien!
Kagura: Okaaay then backs away slowly
Z is for zebra –
Tomo: You know a yack under an x-ray would turn into a zebra? Well what would a zebra turn into?
Kagura: You need to shut up.
Tomo: I've never heard of a 'youneedtoshutup': what is it?
Kagura: This is why Yomi wants to kill you.
Osaka: Ah think it'd turn into an alien!
Kagura: Osaka, there are no aliens, damnit!
Tomo: You know, I think Osaka's constant going on about aliens is coz she's trying to tell us something; she's a xkjnedjwb from the planet of the sporks!
Osaka: blink Ah don't get it…