The Morning After

Don't ask, just… don't. I don't know what came over me. I can say this much, I'm not high.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy or any of its affiliates (Big word!)

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The morning after is a very touchy subject, for it can make or break any relationship. There is no romanticism that is not the exception. The assumed theory is that the morning after sex is what creates many of today's relationships. That is utter bullshit, to the max.

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Scenario One: The Grammar Game

Cloud woke up feeling rather warm. Why? He had no idea, except for the fact that there was something quite large behind him. And someone was breathing on his neck. Cloud gulped and slowly began to turn around.

"Please don't be Reno…" Cloud hoped as he looked into emerald eyes.

"Last time I checked, I had silver hair, not red" The deep voice purred. Cloud shrieked and jumped to the other side of the bed, holding a pillow in an act of defense. Sephiroth rubbed his temple.

"Can you not scream? I have a killer hangover at moment if you don't mind." He said. Cloud narrowed his eyes and clutched the pillow tighter.

"How can I not mind? I just woke up in a bed next to my worst enemy! And my ass hurts!" Cloud said in a whiney-but-not voice. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and picked up the tube next to him shook it to hear the liquid splash inside.

"This is lube. This lube is only filled halfway. That must mean that the other half was used on something more… useful. So there probably weren't any problems towards the pain in your ass." Sephiroth explained. Cloud just glared heatedly and Sephiroth fell silent.

It was a really, really awkward silence.

"Well this is really awkward." Cloud remarked, breaking the awkwardness.

"Not awkward, but something else…" Sephiroth said. Cloud thought for a moment.

"Gay?" Sephiroth shook his head.

"No, not 'gay'. Three words."

"Really, really gay?"

"No. Not 'gay'! Something else…"

Um… God, this is tough… Uh… Out of character?"

"Yes. But no, I was thinking more like 'Never happening again'."

"Hm. You're right. My turn, three words."

"This is gay?"

"No. Two pronouns, one noun."

"I love you?"

"I hate you."

"Oh."

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Scenario Two: How Many Deities Can You Name?

"Ouch! God damn it!" Cloud cursed as he sat up that morning. His ass was throbbing in an incredibly painful manner. So painful, Cloud was cursing omnipotent beings that he didn't even worship.

"Fucking Buddha, Damned Zeus, God damn Jupiter, Freakin' Aphrodite…" Cloud mumbled creatively as he tried to get out of the bed. Sephiroth just looked sheepish at him.

"I was drunk! How was I supposed to know that the lack of lube makes you cranky in the morning?" He asked. Cloud just snapped his head towards the silver haired man.

"That is actually a well known fact in the world that you need lube in any fucking that includes taking it up the ass!" Cloud snarled. Sephiroth scoffed and got out the bed and proceeded to attempt to locate his clothes.

"Oh no you fucking don't! You are going to come back here, get me in the bath, clean me up, get me dressed, and run out of here as quickly as possible, because I will kill you again." Cloud growled, making his very deadly threat seem like he'll actually carry it out.

Sephiroth sighed, and cursed every god up there.

"Damned Mars, Stupid Hades, Fucking Ra…"

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Scenario Three: Say What?

"I think I'm pregnant." Cloud said sullenly when Sephiroth sat up in bed. Sephiroth sputtered and choked on his words for a second.

"Say what?" He finally asked when he found his voice again. Cloud stared at him like he was stupid.

"I'm pregnant, dumbass." Cloud said as if it was obvious a man could get pregnant after a one-night stand. Sephiroth just kept looking at him.

"Say what?" Sephiroth asked again. Cloud rolled his eyes.

"I'm pregnant, you know. Knocked up? Carrying your hell-descending genes in my stomach?"

"Say what?"

"I'm carrying your child, and I'll need child support."

"Say what?"

"About five hundred a month, so that the kid can get a sword like his dad."

"Say what?"

"You know, that's getting really annoying right about now." Cloud said as Sephiroth just sat under the covers.

"You're not serious… are you?" Sephiroth asked in a small voice. Cloud smirked.

"Of course not. I just wanted to see your face, and it was quite hilarious." Cloud said, repressing the laugh that threatened to burst forth at the relieved look on Sephiroth's face.

"Oh thank god. I really thought you were pregnant! Just for that, I'm going to kill you!" Sephiroth said while he chuckled. Cloud chuckled back as he wagged a finger in front of the pale face.

"I want to see you try!" Cloud said.

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Scenario Four: O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Cloud woke up feeling rather warm. Why? He had no idea, except for the fact that there was something quite large behind him. And someone was breathing on his neck. Cloud gulped and slowly began to turn around.

"Oh please don't be Reno…" Cloud hoped as he looked into emerald eyes.

"I'm not Reno, but I wouldn't advise you to look to your side if you like your sanity." Sephiroth commented as he looked over Cloud's shoulder. Cloud blinked.

"What's behind me, exactly?" Cloud asked with caution. Sephiroth shrugged.

"Someone who I know you wouldn't take well to find out what he's doing in this bed." He said in a bored voice. Cloud narrowed his eyes.

"Why do I get the suspicion that you might be lying?" Cloud asked.

"Why do I get the feeling that I might not be?" Sephiroth countered. Cloud decided that Sephiroth must have been bluffing and turned around.

"Nii-san!" Kadaj squealed happily. Cloud backed up almost immediately.

"HOLY-" Cloud yelled as Kadaj latched himself to his waist.

"Told you." Sephiroth said as he got out of the bed. Cloud looked at him with evident panic.

"Save me!" Cloud pleaded as Kadaj continued to snuggle into his stomach. Sephiroth smirked at him.

"It's your brother, there forth your responsibility. Have a blast." Were Sephiroth's final words before he walked out the room.

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Now, does this look like a happy relationship that's going to have a second chance? Of course not, so throw your theories out the window and stay away from alcohol. Unless you want to end up in one of these little moments…

End

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Okay, I think I might be high. No, I am definitely high. I cut my lawn and didn't throw away the grass. And, please don't kill me! I like Cloud x Sephiroth, I really do! (But Kadaj rulez and Cloud x Kadaj is like incest, just not. And I love incest in fan fiction)

I hope you enjoyed enough to not kill me.