Written for thesteppyone, whose birthday is today, and who wanted me to get Ron drunk for her.
Happy Birthday Mini Mee
"Aw don't be a party-pooper Hermione." Ron whined, "There's no party tomorrow, you can poop all you want then. Tonight's supposed to be fun!" Ron picked Hermione up in his arms and spun her around while she squealed that he was going to drop her.
Ron set her down with a huff of annoyance.
"Have I dropped you yet?" he asked her, feigning hurt feelings.
Hermione raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest.
"Well there was that one time but since then?" Ron pouted at her in that way that drove her insane.
She could never keep from breaking into a smile when the pout came out and he knew it. She saw the sparkle in his eyes as the bottom lip went out even further and she broke. He looked very pleased with himself and pulled her into a hug.
"Y'know a party's usually something nice?" Ron said into her hair, "Most people go 'Woo, a party!' but not you eh?"
She pulled back and looked up into his face. He'd really made an effort for her twenty fifth and she wasn't really bouncing with joy and gratitude. She stood up on tiptoes and kissed him on the lips with a smile pulling at her own.
"It was wonderful of you Ron. I love it and I love you."
Ron grinned happily and took her hand to lead her through to the living room and sit her down on the sofa.
"See I invited Muggles and I made this fact-sheet for all the guests who don't know anything about Muggles so they can know what to say and not to say and stuff," Ron began to babble.
"You made a fact-sheet?" Hermione said in shock.
Ron nodded sincerely.
"Dos and don'ts, stuff like that. Everybody knows not to do magic at the party and not to bring presents or booze that can't be explained away as being Moldovan."
Hermione blinked and tried to read Ron to see how his logic applied into real life scenarios, such as a Muggle/Magical birthday party.
"Moldovan?" she repeated when Ron didn't chuckle and nudge her in the ribs to show he was winding her up.
"Yeah, if somebody brings Firewhisky we can say it's Moldovan and that's why the Muggles haven't heard of it or if Fred and George bring you one of their products we can say it's Moldovan bath salts or something like that."
"But why Moldova?" Hermione said with a shake of the head.
"Why not Moldova?"
There was no answer to that.
She knew that agreeing to this party was a big mistake. It was a Ron party. It was a party thrown by Ron. This was going to be the stuff of legend; no doubt about it, but all she'd wanted was a quiet night with her boyfriend. Just her and Ron and nice food with nice wine followed by something chocolaty that would get Ron all horny and ravish her all night and into the morning.
Chocolate did wonderful things to Ron.
Muggle alcohol on the other hand...
"Oh Neville why are you so down on yourself?" Ron was huffing, his arm around Neville and his free hand clutching a bottle of Magners Irish Cider, "You're like this big, glum, down on yourself bloke. What's up with that Mr Downonhiself?"
"Keep reaching for that adjective Ron." Hermione mumbled into her Bucks Fizz.
"Is this that thing you were talking to me about the other week?" Harry asked Neville as he rested his chin on the top of Ginny's head and snaked his arms around her waist.
"That thing I told you about in complete confidence yeah," Neville said, glaring at Harry ever so slightly.
Harry's face fell.
"Confidence...oh was it? Sorry Neville."
"So Longbottom," Seamus shouted from the other side of the room as he wove his way through the party-goers, pausing to smile at a pretty Muggle girl who looked him up and down and turned away to talk to her friend, causing Ron and Harry to snigger quite loudly, "Potter tells me you haven't had a shag in four years!"
Neville's shoulders fell and a group of witches and Muggle girls talking to the Weasley twins froze and turned to stare at him.
"No sex for four years?" Fred said before blowing air out of his puffed out cheeks in amazement and shaking his head.
"That's a hell of a lot of masturbation." George said with a sympathetic frown.
Hermione put her hand to her face and willed none of her Muggle friends to get involved in this conversation.
"The sex you've had, has it been good?" Ginny asked before taking a swig from her something and Coke.
"I really wish this conversation was happening to somebody else." Neville whimpered.
"No seriously," Ginny persevered, "what's the kinkiest sex you've ever had?"
"And it gets worse!" Neville said, throwing his arms up into the air.
Ron looked mortified to hear Ginny saying anything about kinky sex and the twins raised their eyebrows and looked pointedly at Harry. Harry hid his face in Ginny's hair and mumbled something to try and shut her up.
"Oh come on," Ginny whined, ignoring her brother's expressions.
Neville sighed and leaned forward. Ginny, Harry, Ron, Hermione, the twins, their lady friends and somebody passing by who just decided to do what everyone else was doing all leaned in too.
"Well," Neville began.
"Hold up!" Dean Thomas called out and hurdled over the coffee table to fling himself against Ron's back and join the huddle, "Right, go ahead Neville."
"I once did it standing up." Neville said nervously.
Everybody stared back at him, their breaths still being held for the big revelation.
"She said kinky Neville," Ron blinked.
"I can't help it if I'm not a pervert!" Neville snapped, defensively, as he stood up straight once more.
There was a collective groan of disappointment as everyone else all leaned back again.
"I got up and crossed the room for that?" Dean said sounding absolutely disgusted.
"Um, excuse me," Hermione's waif-like cousin said, tapping Ron on the shoulder, "I've been trying to find the fat content on some of these party snacks you've got on the table but I can't read the Moldovan writing. It all looks like nonsense words to me. Fellywimble essence, tartle seeds, ground chazwazzers...it's all French to me!"
"No," Ron shook his head frantically, "It's Moldovan, I swear."
Hermione tugged at Ron's arm and smiled at him before directing her cousin Shelly to a tube of low fat Pringles Ron had bought expecting something other than crisps.
'But it says right on the side here Hermione, once you pop you can't stop. Well I popped it open and nothing happened!'
"Oh but they're awfully fatty Minnie," Shelly frowned.
Hermione cringed at her childhood nickname being used and hoped that the amused expression on the twins face didn't mean 'Minnie' was making a comeback.
"Noncence, they're perfectly fine. Besides, you need fattening up a bit, you're practically skeletal."
"Yeah, get some meat on yer bones love!" Seamus said cheerily.
Shelly scowled from Hermione to Seamus before wandering over to pick up the tube and examine the nutrition information on the side. Hermione was going to wave a dismissive hand and leave her and her eating disorder be but Ron had drained his bottle and wandered over to try and see what she was reading. Ron, slightly drunk, alone with a Muggle in a mood was something that could go really wrong so Hermione hurried over to link her arm with his and beam up at him as if she had crossed the room for no other reason than missing her man. Ron smiled back at her before turning his attention back to Shelly and pointing at the tube.
"It says it's got ten percent less fat," he said helpfully.
"Ten percent of what?" Shelly said insolently.
"Um, ten percent of the fat." Ron said, wondering if this was only obvious to him.
"The fat of what?" Shelly huffed.
"The fat of those," Ron said, pointing to the tube in her hand and growing more bewildered at how complicated this conversation was becoming.
"I think what Shelly's trying to say is-" Shelly's derisive tut at Ron's simple outlook on the fat situation cut Hermione off mid-sentence.
"So you're saying that this tube of Pringles," she shook the tube before Ron perplexed face, "has ten percent less fat than this tube of Pringles?" She sarcastically shook the same tube in front of Ron again.
"Ignore her Ron," Hermione said as she took his hand and tried to lead him away from the snack table, "she's deliberately being difficult."
She knew that Ron had made a real effort with her party and didn't like how some of her Muggle guests were nit picking over things being slightly strange and putting it down to Ron being a weirdo. Ron was not a weirdo. Ron was sweet and kind and thoughtful and he'd gone out of his way to get things right for the non-magical folk.
"I'm just pointing out the deceptive packaging," Shelly exclaimed as if she was completely innocent and hadn't meant to offend anyone on purpose, "All this says is ten percent less fat, ten percent of what? A pound of lard?"
"I think they mean ten percent less than normal crisps," Ron said, doing his best to try and help Shelly with her problem understanding advertising gimmicks.
"But where does it say that?" Shelly said looking at the tube again.
"Let it go," Hermione warned Shelly while trying to pull Ron back to their friends.
"It says it right there on the tube look," Ron said, totally not picking up on Shelly's attitude and feeling sure that this was some mistake in Muggle etiquette of his own that was causing the problem.
Shelly snorted and shook her head in disbelief.
"Are you professionally gullible?"
Hermione glared at her cousin and dragged Ron back to rejoin Harry, Ginny and the others.
"Have I upset her?" Ron asked Hermione anxiously.
"No," she smiled as she cupped his face in her hand and pulled him down into a brief kiss, "just ignore her."
"I didn't even want them, I thought they were party poppe-" Hermione kissed him again and tasted the strong Irish cider on his tongue.
It wasn't the sweet taste she was sued to when kissing Ron but it was still enough to make her want to throw everyone out and send him to bed immediately.
"Hey you two," Harry chuckled, "no snacking, it'll spoil your appetite!"
"Yeah, help us set Neville up with one of the Muggle birds in here," Seamus said loudly."
"What's a Muggle?" one of the girls Fred had an arm around frowned.
"Subtle Seamus, very subtle," Dean said with a shake of the head.
"It's Irish for beautiful," George said as he kissed the sister of his Muggle-born girlfriend on the cheek, "You Muggle you!"
George received an elbow in the ribs for complimenting the wrong girl and Hermione snuggled into Ron's side and tried not to scowl as Ginny passed him another cider. She really didn't want Ron to get 'Muggle drunk', not on her birthday, not in front of all these people, not in front of Shelly.
"Well what kind of girl are we looking for?" Dean said as he scanned the room.
"Um hello, don't I have a say in this?" Neville waved his hand in the air and promptly had a can of beer shoved into it.
"This doesn't concern you Neville," Fred said dismissively.
"Well we don't want to go aiming for someone out of his league do we?" George frowned, seeming to compare two women standing by the window and then looking at Neville and scrunching up his nose.
"What is my league then?" Neville said uncomfortably.
"Twenty thousand leagues under the sea!" Seamus cackled.
Ginny gave Seamus a punch in the ribs before smiling at Neville.
"Don't listen to him Neville. You're in a very special league where you're judged by your personality alone."
"Oh thanks!" Neville snorted and took a gulp of beer.
"Do you have any idea how to compliment a man Ginny?" Fred teased her.
"Look it's alright for you lot, you're all...well...look at you!" Neville gestured desperately around at his friends who all looked at each other blankly and shrugged.
"Oh come off it," Ginny huffed, "as if you don't know how good-looking you are."
Seamus puffed out his chest proudly.
"Not you." She added.
Harry sniggered and Neville pointed at him.
"See you got Ginny and you've got glasses, that's against the rules that is. You should be a Nobby-no-bird like me."
Hermione felt Ron's shoulders shaking at the name Nobby; he was exactly like that eleven-year-old boy with the dirty face she met all those years ago at times.
"Yeah, in the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man may be king but the four-eyed man gets all the totty!" Seamus said wistfully.
Both Harry and Ron punched Seamus in opposite shoulders for calling Ginny totty and the totty herself slapped him about the back of the head. This cheered Neville up somewhat.
"We need to point out someone in Neville's league so he can recognise his own kind," Fred said, still searching the room for a suitable woman.
"Fred that's awful!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Hey where's Luna?" George said, getting quite excited at the thought of the perfect solution.
"On her honeymoon," Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny all responded.
"Oh," George said, his shoulders falling.
"Y'see Nev," Dean said, staring off into the middle distance wistfully, "our group is kinda like a group of lions. Harry is the dominant lion but as soon as he has a kip or goes off on a lion holiday Ron's in there as leader of the pack."
Ron blinked and looked around himself dumbly.
"I'm a what?"
"Then you've got Ginny and Hermione doing all the work and getting none of the credit as head lionesses," Dean said with a satisfied nod at his little safari metaphor.
"Too right," Ginny mumbled and Hermione shared a smile with her over the rims of their glasses.
"So what does that make me then?" Neville asked, straightening himself up.
"A wounded antelope," Dean said apologetically.
Hermione had gone circulating for a few minutes that turned into fifteen that turned into an hour and when she found her way back to the group, now slouching on squidgey chairs that weren't there before, they were all getting a little bit worse for wear. She began to wonder if there would ever be a party thrown in her honour where she could just sit back and enjoy it like everybody else.
"Hey Nev, over there," Seamus pointed directly at a young witch who looked greatly offended to be ogled like a piece of meat, "she's alright."
"Nah," Neville said before stifling a burp behind his hand, "she's so far above me I'd get altitude sickness just talking to her."
"What about that one?" Dean said, "she don't look picky."
Hermione followed Dean's finger and her jaw dropped in horror.
"That's my mother!" she hissed at him furiously.
"Y'hear that Neville?" Seamus grinned wickedly, "A Granger woman, we all know how feisty they can be, get in there son!"
Hermione flushed and turned away from the teasing twosome with a huff and saw a Muggle man squeeze past Ginny to fetch a drink from what appeared to be a huge stack of cans behind her and Harry before smiling at Ginny and winking.
"Did you see that?" Ginny said to Hermione, excitedly, "He just winked at me."
"I saw." Hermione nodded and watched Harry's mouth twisting up tightly as he glared at the man, now on the other side of the room.
"That was a good wink as well," Ginny said, slopping her Firewhisky down the front of her dress, "most men can't pull off a good wink."
"Oh he's a winker all right." Harry mumbled, "That's one hell of a winker."
"Can I get a refill Harry?" Ginny said, holding her empty glass to her boyfriend and fluttering her eyelashes in a way she intended to be suggestive but merely looked as if she had something in her eye.
"Go easy," Hermione warned, "the night is young."
"And the Firewhisky is delicious!" Ginny grinned before stumbling with Harry to get more alcohol.
As soon as they moved she saw a sight that both amused and mortified her.
Ron was sitting in what could only be described as a throne made from crates and cans of Muggle beer, wearing a 'Weasley is our king' crown and the dopiest grin she had ever seen on his face in her whole life.
"Her-Minnie-Me!" he cried out with delight, "Where have you been? You missed my coronation. They coroneted me the king of beer!"
Hermione couldn't help but laugh as she perched herself on the armrest of her boyfriend's throne with a sigh of resignation.
Ron looked down into his lap at a small bowl nestled there and pointed down into it.
"I have a selection of nuts. Would you like to taste my nuts?"
Hermione heard Fred and George's dirty laughter over her shoulder and chose to ignore it. She leaned over and picked through the various nuts with an airy dignity. After a moment of trying and failing to find an almond Ron grabbed her arm and pulled her onto his lap, squishing the nuts, thankfully in a cardboard bowl, between them.
Ron sighed and stroked her hair before resting his head on her shoulder.
"Has it been a nice birthday Minnie-Mee?"
She looked into his glazed unfocused eyes and smiled.
"It's been perfect Ron, thank you."
She kissed him as briefly as Ron's vile nut and booze breath would permit her without passing out from the fumes and nestled herself into his body.
"I got you a present," Ron said before burping into the top of head.
"The party is present enough. You didn't have to get me anything." She sighed, knowing that Ron was as strapped for cash as ever.
"Well I got it but I don't think I can give it to you tonight. I'll mess it up. But I jus' wanted you to know I got ya somethin' okay?"
Hermione wriggled her body up a fraction and pulled the flattened bowl of nuts out from between them.
"You mean the offer to eat your nuts was just an extra treat for me?"
Ron sniggered and kissed her again. Hermione decided to relax a bit and have a drink herself. None of her guests were particularly unpleasant drunks and the Muggles were mingling with the witches and wizards with no problems at all. Her parents had just waved at her and mimed that they were going. She hoped that didn't have anything to do with Seamus being close by and rubbing the side of his face as if he'd just been slapped.
"My parents are leaving," she said to Ron, "I just want to see them out and I'll be back soon okay?"
Ron opened his mouth to say something but Hermione was kissing him again and broke away, fanning herself from the hit of the booze on Ron's breath.
"Here," Ron said, lifting the crown off his head and setting it on Hermione's, "I abdicate. You're the queen and I am your crumble servant."
"My crumble servant?" Hermione giggled.
"Yeah," Ron nodded, "I'll serve you crumble whenever you want it."
Queen Hermione of beer got up from her crumble servant and made her way over to her mother and father to thank them for coming and give them a kiss and a hug goodbye.
It was another hour before Hermione found her way back to Ron again.
He was battling in vain as people set about his throne and pulled cans and bottles away like savages. It was like a recreation of the French Revolution and the overthrowing of the monarchy...only with beer.
"Not my throne, anything but my beer throne!" Ron was pleading and clinging to the diminishing stack of beer crates and cans around him, "Guards, seize them!"
"Oh my God," Hermione exclaimed at the sight of Ron trying to deploy imaginary men into battle.
"Pershannally," Harry slurred, "I think he's been playin' too much chesh."
"I think he's been drinking too much beer!" Hermione snapped and Harry staggered backwards and fell over the back of the sofa.
Fred and George were sitting on the floor, arms slung around each other, howling with laughter at Harry's flailing legs struggling to find some purchase to right himself again. Ginny was trying to stuff a piece of birthday cake the size of her head into her mouth. Shelly had chocolate and cream from the demolished éclairs all down her front, her obsessiveness over fat content seemingly gone for the time being. Then she saw Neville in a heated clinch with the stunningly pretty witch Seamus had been trying to flirt with all night, most unsuccessfully. She looked for Seamus and saw him approaching her with tears of laughter in his eyes as he swung his arm around Hermione and gave her an unsteady one-armed hug.
"Great party Herminnie." He nodded over to Ron in his beer wasteland, "Did ya see yer man's tyrannical regime is over?"
"Yes I saw," Hermione nodded as she saw Ron pull a bottle out from under him and try to get the cap of with his teeth.
"Ron's been dethroned, your snotty cousin is eating whipped cream straight from the can and Neville's copping off with the fittest woman here," Seamus surmised, "The world's gone mad!"
Hermione laughed and realised she had spent yet another party not actually involved in the night's events.
Gradually people either left or passed out in the living room. She clambered over the debris of a typical Ron Weasley planned party and stood over him where he lay, sprawled on his back on the floor.
"Hello my Minnie-Mee," he smiled lazily.
She held out her hand and he took it, missing a couple of times first, and she hauled him up to his feet unsteadily. Ron cuddled her and sighed noisily into her shoulder.
"I luff you."
"I love you too handsome," she said, rubbing his back and kissing the side of his head.
"I've not seen ya all night, 'cept for you squashing my nuts tha' is."
Hermione leaned back and lifted his heavy head. Even drunk he was charming in that Ron way of his. She kissed his cheek.
"Let's go to bed and snuggle okay?" she said warmly.
Ron nodded and started to strip right then and there.
"In the bedroom Ron!" Hermione said, glancing around to make sure those who remained were definitely asleep, before pushing him towards their bedroom door.
She closed it behind them and began to get undressed herself. Ron seemed to have his head stuck in his t-shirt and she tried not to laugh as he spun around on the spot before pulling it back down and deciding that it was fine to sleep in.
"What d'you want us to do for your birthday then Ron?" she said thoughtfully as she folded her clothes and placed them neatly in the laundry basket by the door.
"Gettin' married on mine," Ron mumbled as he crawled into bed sleepily.
Hermione blinked and stared at him.
"What did you just say?"
Ron waved his arm at a small gift-wrapped box on her dressing table and spoke the answer to her question half into his pillow.
"I'll give you your engagement ring tomorrow and then we can do it in March. Sposeda do it tonight but I don't wanna propose drunk, s'not right is it?"
Hermione put her hand to her face and felt tears welling in her eyes.
Ron's head suddenly lifted up from the pillow and he looked completely alert and focused.
"Promise you'll look surprised when I do it!"
He saw the stunned expression of Hermione's face and his lazy smile came back, eyes falling closed and head dropping back down onto the pillow again.
"Yeah, exactly like that."
It was the best birthday ever.