A/N: Nice day! Don't you think so? And now that you've opened this, I just hope you'd read until the end. And drop a review too if you're a very nice person. puppy eyes
I know, don't tell me that I've been gone for so long. I'm totally aware of that. And I'm just sorry to say that... sheepish smile ...that I wouldn't be able to update Cruel Fate yet.. But I will! I promise. winks
Now, let's get on with this one! And no, this isn't a fuuko-yanagi fic or something, I swear.
Please read and review!
Disclaimer: The characters of Flame of Recca are not mine. (And will never be. sigh)
Just Like That
This is easy. No sweat. I'm quite amazed that no big emotions are stirring inside me strongly enough to distract me from what I've decided to do.
Just a little annoyance, maybe.
But now as I stride across the school corridors swiftly with an air of pride, I feel more smug than annoyed, probably because I've assured myself a couple of times beforehand that I will have the biggest advantage of what will happen, whatever it is that might transpire.
Maybe you're asking: what the fucking hell are you rambling about?
Okay, sorry for leaving you wondering there.
So, how shall I describe the situation? Okay, let's start with this one. I have this boyfriend who really isn't my boyfriend. Got that? Oh, what a very clear explanation! You see, we've been through some instances that contain what some other people call chemistry, a word of which I was never a fan.
It's a weird term to use when speaking of relationships, eh? The first thing that it reminds me of is school. That is why I really don't like using the word to explain what has been going on between the two of us, and I believe that there should be a more fitting word somewhere in the midst of all the romantic people's minds to describe such weird sensations that transpires between two different species. Don't you agree?
Enough said; back to the story.
So, like I said, we had this chemistry thing, but we never really admitted liking each other, or even did the sort of things that make the girls in my class giggle or sigh dreamily when one of them narrates how those stuff are done (with her and her boyfriend or some guy-of-her-dreams as the main cast), and how those instances make her feel like she's in heaven. Like duh.
I actually rolled my eyes unconsciously just now, and a small girl who has been strutting happily towards my direction is now heading back to where she came from with tensed steps. Tell me, do I really look that scary?
Anyway, going back to what I was saying before the girl dislodged my train of thoughts, I and my boy did nothing much that might have made us appear like we're close to being a couple or something. But oh, before you start calling me a dreamer for saying that we had chemistry despite the fact that we never really did mushy stuff together, listen to this first. We did have special moments, though just quite a few, I may say. They're just not as overly romantic as what I overhear from most of the giggly girls, such that if I share those stories to class they will seem too plain and just give everyone the impression that I'm just trying to give meaning to the guy's unclear actions. Well, whatever. It's not as if I plan on detailing those pieces of my life to class anyway.
Oh, for heaven's sake! Now that I think about what happened between us, everything's more like a series of cruelly unexplainable events than snapshots of a love story. I can feel my brows furrowing, but whether in frustration or in a sort of confusion, I can't quite put my finger.
Ouch. That hurts. I've been gripping too hard on this thing that is enclosed within my fist, such that my frown is now deeper than it has been just seconds go. Anyway, look here, I'll try to slow my pace down so you can have a look at this thing. That is, if I haven't crushed it in my hand yet.
Here you go.
It's a silver bracelet, a rather simple one I used to comment, compared to the other bracelets that I've received. Not that I received a lot though. But the design of this one fascinates me, and sometimes when I feel too bored in class or just so dead tired of life, I look at this bracelet with its confusing links of silver rings and spheres of different sizes, and in a little time I get consumed on following its pattern with my eyes that the next thing I know, my weariness is gone. Yeah, it might seem exhausting, but I find it amusing so it often turns out to be relaxing.
Quite unbelievable, huh?
It's just like magic.
Yet, in a few moments, this sparkling trail of circles will be out of my reach, and it will just be foolish of me to hope that I'd be able to wear it around my wrist again. I hear a sigh escape from my lips. Maybe this is harder than I expect, after all.
I'm just starting to wonder about the possibility of just going back and doing things the simpler way - or according to how he wanted things to be settled - but soon enough I lift my gaze to see that I have arrived at my destination.
There's someone standing by the door, or at least, he was there a moment ago before he disappeared with a grin split on his face. He's calling him for me, shouting a name that everybody is undoubtedly familiar with: Mikagami Tokiya.
What is taking Mi-chan so long anyway? The guy from before continues on bugging him to meet me, and just as I decided to count from one and so on until he comes out, he's suddenly standing in front of me, with his eyes averted like I've never seen him do before, in such a manner which says I won't even try to steal a glance so stop waiting for my eyes to find you.
Okay. I just need to take a deep breath, and then I shall get on to business. I have come here to see what his reaction will be upon seeing me. And now I'm seeing it clearly. You see, things between us had not been so good these past few days. I admit that majority of the faults are mine; I have this really close friend of mine named Raiha, and just recently things started getting better between the two of us. It feels wonderful to be with him, because he never played safe regarding our relationship and I can understand what is happening between us more than I ever understood what had been going on between me and this man standing in front of me, even if a clear romantic relationship has not yet been established between me and Raiha. I need time to sort things out, and he is so willing to provide me with it. There are times when I just fight the urge to ask him about what he really sees in me, or whether he likes me.
That must have sounded weird, but I'm a girl, as you may very well know, and though more than half of the school's population might say that I'm not someone who has the time or will ever have the time for boys, I have to admit that I do want a boy too, just like other girls. There may be a scientific explanation on why I share that aspect with other girls, but I don't give a damn whatever it is.
What? I'm surprised because he suddenly spoke, even though he just asked me what. Sounds like a senseless question but I understand it anyway. I put on a great smile as I stretch my hand out to him. All that I need to do is act like the bracelet never really mattered to me, even though the truth is, it sure as hell does.
Here. I try to make it sound as natural as I can manage. Recca said you wanted it, so I decided to bring it to you myself to save Recca from the extra work.
That's what has been annoying me. He asked Recca to take the bracelet from me and just be done with it. Just that; he obviously wants no conversation. I've known him long enough to be able to predict that he will prefer things that way, but I just can't bear the very idea for I know perfectly well what will follow once I ride the river on his boat. He will avoid me, and whatever I do, I may not be able to reach him again, lest forge even friendship. So before I let everything fall apart, I just want him to feel even the slightest pain, even if it will be just like the feeling of the wind tugging a little strongly at his silver locks. It might not even bother him, but what do I have at risk? Maybe with the little pain, he will also be persuaded to think about what he's losing – what we're losing – before it finally gets too late to redo the damage.
Okay, breathe, Fuuko. Breathe.
I look at him, and see that his hand is already stretched out in front of him, his palm up. I move my gaze to his face, but his eyes are looking elsewhere so determinedly that I am convinced that I will never have another look into those deep pools in case we never cross each other's paths again. Maybe he doesn't want me to see into his soul. Yes, that must be it. It gives me satisfaction to think that that is the reason why he isn't looking at me, because it just means that he believes I can see into his soul whenever our eyes meet.
Oh, Stop it Fuuko; youre just fooling yourself.
I want to tell him much more, but I don't know where to begin. I don't even know what I want to talk about. Maybe all that I want is to spend a little more time with him, until I find the assurance that we will still be friends after this.
But hes gone now. I had been a little too lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice him slip back into their classroom.
I have nothing else better to do here, so I had better go back to my own place.
My spirit seems to leave my body, and my mind is also elsewhere. My body? Walk, walk, walk.
Inside my mind is a big blankness, a darkness so consuming that I can't tell you what is happening right now, except that my body is dragging my feet towards somewhere.
And that somewhere turns out to be my classroom.
I walk in without taking in everything that my eyes are seeing inside. My knees are suddenly so weak; I slide down to the floor with a faint thud. I must have been still for minutes, but I don't know nor do I care. At first I see nothing, and then my eyes start working again, focusing on a girl with flowing brown hair, bending over her desk and seeming so busy while arranging her notes.
Too busy too be bothered, perhaps?
Selfish as I may seem, but I desperately need something to hold on to, someone to keep me from falling into pieces. Whether she's busy or not, I'll steal her for even just a second. She's a healer, isn't she? I wonder if she can also cure emotional damage.
I stand up and walk to where she is sitting. She looks up at me, first with a sweet smile like that one she always wore, but there must be something unpleasant about how I look that a frown immediately dominated the space where her smile has been just a moment ago.
No, she isn't someone who deserves to frown, so I impulsively try to think of something bright to say, but I guess everything's spoiled now that my lips are beginning to tremble.
I did it, I manage to form the words, and her eyes flicker to my wrist, on which no silver bracelet snaked around.
Oh Fuuko-chan! is all that I heard her say, and the next thing I know everything around us is suddenly white. I must have been blinded by my tears, or maybe it's because Yanagi has managed to pull me into the girls bathroom that I am, for some time, disoriented with the change of surroundings. Anyway, I don't care. I don't have much energy to care about anything else besides crying, not even to care about the weather and most especially about the other students who are coming in and out the comfort room – some to release their own tension, and some to witness my anguish. Tears spring freely from my eyes, and I am engaged in a confusing stupor, whispering and shouting curses randomly, but most of them at myself for being so stupid in the first place.
But there's still a gentle hum resonating within the four walls around us.
Yanagi is just patting gently on my back, listening to my outrage and at the same time making me believe that it was nobody's fault. I really don't know why, but I always believe her when she tells me that. I am always so positive that situations like this will not exist if it wasn't triggered by someone, but once Yanagi starts saying the magic words that it is in nobody's fault, I contradict my own idea.
Who am I to doubt her words anyway? I'm just a stupid girl who hasn't found a solid spot on the ground to steady my feet on. Right now, the best thing that I can feel is the assurance that someone believes it isn't my fault, yet not even Mi-chan's, and that that someone is sure to hang out with me until I look normal enough to enter a classroom again.
Believe me; Yanagi will be most willing to cut classes if my eyes are still a little sore when the bell rings.
So you see, even if I may feel like I'm leading the most miserable life there is at the moment, I can never be too thankful. What my relationship with Mi-chan will be like in the future is still a sketchy drawing, but I have one clear portrait that I can fawn over and admire fully right now until forever.
Yanagi. My best friend.
Really, boyfriends may grow tired of romance, but best friends won't ever get tired friendships.
Go ahead, contemplate, and you'd realize that reality is more or less similar to that.
Just like that.
- owari -
A/N: Okay, so it's finally over. You may be confused and say something like Huh? What in the world was that? or Are you serious that that was a fanfic, but I'd still feel happy and satisfied. I wrote this one with an added purpose, and I just hope it serves that purpose well. :D
To my best friend bea, happy birthday. I wrote this for you. sheepish grin Do leave a review if you're not busy. Thanks. Love you. hugs
And to you too, dear reader, please be kind and drop a review. Or a flame perhaps? Anyway, I'll be waiting. winks
yuki da yo :D