Weapons of Old and New

Or, Not Another Super Naruto Story

(Really. It's Not.)

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Oh, yeah. I SO own Naruto. That's why I have to bust my ass working at minimum wage to pay for college. Psh. Sure.

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Naruto was only a partial believer in God (a small church set up by people from the West had been the only religious place he could go without being chased out), but he found himself cursing the deity for turning his life into a comedy of errors.

"Naruto! Exactly how did you get into this situation?" Ayame asked, warm breath tickling his ear as her bosom pushed into his back. Naruto managed not to blush too much at this. I mean, it was Ayame-nee-chan! She was practically his big sister!

"It's a long story… Let's just say I need to make Ero-Sennin very dead when this is over," Naruto replied, hopping from telephone pole to telephone pole so smoothly Ayame barely felt any shock.

"NARU-CHAN! GET BACK HERE DAMN YOU!" Anko shrieked again, swiftly catching up to them on the ground. Naruto gulped… And smirked.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Naruto bellowed, and two dozen of his clones appeared like a halo around his head. They fell back to Earth and assumed a fighting formation as the sex-crazed kunoichi approached.

"GOOD LUCK GUYS!" The original yelled. Among the Kage Bunshins, one's eyes flared red very briefly. He smirked.

"Oi, fellas-Since we're going to go 'poof' anyway, I don't think I want to die a virgin, do you?" The other Shadow Clones looked at eachother… Before shrugging and turning back to Anko with smiles.

"Oooh! A gangbang? Naru-chan, you shouldn't have!" The red-eyed clone smirked.

"I know," he purred confidently.

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"I don't hear a lot of fighting going on behind us," Ayame commented five minutes later. She frowned as Naruto landed on a telephone pole awkwardly, his face turning bright red as he wobbled.

"Naruto-kun? Are you allright? Naruto?" The ramen girl pressed. Naruto took deep breaths, willing himself to calm down.

"I'm… Fine… Um… One of my… Clones just dispelled." Naruto shivered, and Ayame blinked.

"Eh? What do you mean? How do you know?"

"I have a chakra link to them at all times. Kind of like a telephone line. When one of them is destroyed, their memories are transferred back to me," Naruto said matter of factly. Ayame giggled as Naruto raised an eyebrow at her.

"Hey! What's so funny?"

"You! You're talking so formally and intelligently! It's quite a change from the last time I saw you," Ayame smiled. "Tell me, when was the last time you said 'dattebayo'?" Naruto frowned thoughtfully, and shrugged.

"I say it in my head now," Naruto quipped, to which Ayame giggled again. The blond nin smiled back. Ayame frowned.

"So, what was it that your bunshin was doing that made you blush?" She asked, a small smirk on her face. Naruto sighed, before opening a chakra link to the Kyuubi. He had to figure out how to shut it off entirely or he'd never get any peace!

Bastard fox… Just what the hell are you hoping to accomplish by having women lust after me like this?!

IT GOT YOU LAID, DIDN'T IT? Thrown a bit by the Kyuubi's usage of that particular colloquialism, Naruto managed to find his anger again in an instant.



You keep this up and our deal's off! The Kyuubi laughed mockingly through the link.


"Naruto? Are you allright?" The blond coughed and blushed… And blushed even more when another kage bunshin was… Dispelled.

"Um… Oh look! There's the ramen stand, Ayame-nee-chan! Man, am I hungry!" Ayame smirked. She could guess what his clones were up to. It was very perverted, but then this was Naruto. His determination to keep her out of the path of that Anko woman was so like him.

So why was she feeling a twinge of jealousy when she thought of what that Anko woman was doing, and with whose clones?

"Naruto!" She chided, as the blond ninja's nose nearly exploded in blood as they landed. He fell to his knees, shivering as she held his nose. Ayame sighed and knelt down, holding out a handkerchief to try and stem the flow.

"Gah… 'Big finish' she said," Naruto muttered, mortified. Ayame smirked.

"C'mon, I'll get you a miso ramen. On the house," she said comfortingly, as she led the blond away.

Elsewhere, an extremely satisfied Anko had curled up under a henge to rest a while in the sun. Appropriately enough as a cat with snake-like eyes.

"Mmmm… Not bad… But needs more experience," she purred.

And far to the east, a pair of green-clad nin were racing as fast as they could for home. Their trek had taken two days already, but they swore if it took them one more day they'd run from Konoha to Suna right back to where they started from in half the time…

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The cavern was one of dozens, perhaps hundreds, within the Akatsuki base. Wide and vented well, it was perfect as a training field. Deidara himself had always preferred it when practicing his art. Even now, the blond smirked nastily across the dirt floor at his opponent.

"Well, well… You didn't turn out so bad for an old geezer, yeah?" Deidara crooned mockingly. His opponent was clad in a black T-shirt, black pants, and traditional nin sandals over leg wrappings. Hanging from a simple belt was a leather sheath for a short straight sword. Clearly a man in gender, he was more solidly built that Deidara but taller, a body profile one might expect to find on a dedicated athlete. His face was rough and unshaven, a square jaw underneath and sharp, beak-like nose and narrowed brown eyes. His hair was silvery gray and almost fur-like, short and ruffled.

The grey-haired nin sighed, pulling out his blade. It was short, barely two-thirds of a meter long, with a single edge and slight curve at the tip. Deidara smirked and forced chakra into his palms, bending down before sucking dirt into his palm-mouths and quickly molding the resulting clay into weapons.

"Nothing to say?" His opponent rolled his eyes, one hand behind his back. Deidara unleashed a flock of clay insects from his hands, the chakra-explosives buzzing and humming like the real thing and swarming for the nin.

"Doton: Doroku Gaeshi!" Was heard as the grey-haired man slammed his hands down, a wall of earth blasting up. Deidara smirked.

"KATSU!" The swarm exploded all around the barrier, kicking up dust and debris. Deidara quickly fashioned several clay exploding birds before cautiously approaching. He frowned, chakra pulling lightly on his senses. However, where from he wasn't sure…

"Die," said a small voice behind him, and Deidara had two birds fly behind him.

"Katsu!" The explosions were focused but Deidara leapt away anyway, surveying the area carefully while in mid-air. His opponent was hiding…

Deidara landed near one of the walls, carefully reaching out with his chakra senses. He could sense the other members of Akatsuki nearby, watching the "training session". He could pick up what seemed to be another source, very close…

A strong arm was suddenly around his throat and he choked as the tip of a blade was put between his shoulder blades.

"Meisaigakure no Jutsu," his assailant whispered, just before he drove the sword through the blond's chest. Deidara gasped, blood dripping out of his mouth as he felt his heart abruptly stop beating. His vision grew dark, as the dirt floor approached.

Stupid Sasori's going to gloat about his art now… Was his last thought.

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"Meisaigakure no Jutsu, huh?" Kisame commented blandly, as the grey-haired nin finished his masterful performance by slicing Deidara's head off. The blond head rolled in the dirt only a foot, an expression of shock frozen onto the "artist's" face.

"Impressive. He used Shadow clones to herd Deidara right into his trap," the Akatsuki leader observed. "He has regained his abilities very quickly."

"Hm… Looks like I'll be needing a new partner then," Sasori added coldly. He had not particularly cared for the blond, and the fact that he'd been so easily defeated only reinforced his disdain for a "fellow artist".

"Tusume. Return to your cell." The grey-haired nin deathglared the Akatsuki leader, right where he was observing from the one-way, genjutsu-disguised glass… Before turning away and stalking to a door that opened up on the far side of the cavern.

"You are certain the seal has rendered him our slave, leader?" Itachi posed quietly. The Akatsuki leader smirked.

"The Dog may be the weakest of the Tailed Beasts, but its will is far beyond any mortal's. Redirected through the seal, he will never act against any of us… Unless I order it first." The Akatsuki leader held in a smirk as he perceived Itachi's heartbeat change, only a little. "Now then… Let us begin preparations for finding a new member."

"Can I eat the remains?" Zetsu asked, the black side of his face licking it's lips. The leader sighed.

"Leave the ring. The rest you may have."

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Tenten bit her lower lip as the somewhat familiar form of Tusume reappeared in their cell. As far as prisons went, this one at least had a clean stone floor and bunks, as well as a toilet. Clearly they intended for them to stay a while. Just her and her…

"What happened to you?" Tenten asked, sitting on one of the bunks in question. Tusume sighed, tossing his ninjaken onto the floor and sitting on the bunk across from her.

"I killed the transvestite." Tenten raised a single, elegant eyebrow.

"Which one?"

"The blond one."

"Oh yeah… Fast?" Tusume nodded.

"Too bad," the weapons specialist sighed. Tusume frowned.

"I'm sorry, I've only gotten a demon shoved into my body which caused me to regress in age by at least three decades, in the last two days. Oh yeah, and they've had me fighting constantly to get back into some kind of shape. Next time I'll draw it out so my unstable chakra will fry me." Tenten glared back.

"If you're so strong, why don't you kill them all?" Tusume sighed.

"I got the blond because he underestimated me. The others won't." Tenten glowered, before looking at the far wall in a huff. Tusume sighed, leaning back against his wall with his eyes closed. Even now, he could feel the seal working it's so-called magic on him. His chakra was back, his stamina too-The design of the seal, however, only let the most passive elements of the demon affect him. He had to give the Akatsuki leader credit-He wasn't a seal master, but this one was top-notch.

And if I try to mess with it, it kills me instantly. Or if I try to attack someone he hasn't given me permission to, he thought darkly. He opened his eyes and looked at Tenten again. The bunned girl looked back, and resumed glaring at him.

"What?" The girl gritted her teeth. Tusume nodded mentally. God, does this bring back memories…

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU MY FATHER?! I mean, HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?! And WHAT the hell do they need you for? OR ME?!" Tenten raged, standing up and shaking her fists at him. Tusume grimaced.

"Well, looks like you got your mom's temper-HEY!" The smaller girl had grabbed Tusume by the collar and was snarling in his face. He gulped.

"You. Have skirted. The issue. FOR TWO DAYS! Now you're going to tell me EVERYTHING, or so help me I'll MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE KIDS! UNDERSTAND?!"

Tusume nodded, and she slowly backed off. She sat on the cot and glared, tapping one foot while crossing her arms under her chest.

"Well?" She hissed. Tusume groaned.

"Okay, okay, fine… First off… I'm sure you're aware of the birds and the bees-"

"Would you like me to perform the Castration Jutsu right now?" Tenten asked. Tusume sighed.

"Right, fine… Look. I'm sure you heard that blowhard's speech about the Beast of Holding. Ever hear of Yukigakure?" Tenten nodded.

"'The Village Hidden in the Snow'?Yeah, Naruto and his team went on a mission there a few years back." Tusume frowned.


"Er, Uzumaki Naruto. He's a... friend of mine," Tenten explained, though she had a slight blush on her face.

Irony, thy name is Tusume, the older nin mentally sighed.

"Anyway, I was sent on an assassination mission there, about sixteen years ago. I was supposed to find the leader of the rogue nin who'd conquered the place from the inside and kill him, because he'd begun making deals with some missing nin within the Land of Fire to start terrorist bombings against Konoha."


"The guy (name was Seto, by the way) was fucked in the head, that's why. Thought he could terrorize Konoha into backing off from it's current holdings after the war against Cloud. Anyway, I posed as a weapons dealer and was soon admitted to Seto's base. Basically, I would arrange for massive amounts of illegal weaponry to filter into Snow in exchange for a hefty payout after his plan succeeded." Tenten leaned forward.

"And… That's where you met my mother, right?" Tusume nodded.

"She was… Look. Sure you want to hear this?" Tenten ground her teeth momentarily… Before nodding.

"Yes… I do." Tusume sighed.

"Your mother's name was Junko, and she was of a group of women Seto's group had gathered up from the local villagers as whores. She was sent to me for the night… And if we didn't… You know… She'd have been killed. It was their way of breaking their women." Tenten's grip on the edge of her bed tightened, but she stayed otherwise outwardly calm.

"… I see."

"Don't be that way. She used to be the village librarian," Tusume tried to smile comfortingly. "Hell, it was her who helped me get in to kill the bastard." Tenten blinked.

"She did?" Tusume nodded. Hell, the mission was barely classified anyway, why not spill everything?

"She did. Turns out Seto was keeping her around for more than one reason… Sorry."

"I've heard worse."

"Right. That reason was a device, a powerful and ancient one, that was thought of only as a legend. Seto thought he could get his hands on it if he had her research through the libraries, as she was one of the few who could read the old language the texts referring to the machine were in." Tusume sighed. "So anyway… She made up a story about me having some knowledge of old technology like what was mentioned in the texts. This got me to a meeting with him, in private, as the paranoid bastard didn't want his subordinates knowing about it."

"And then?"

"Then, well… I tried to kill him, but the bastard was strong. I managed to keep him from alerting his goons but even trapping him in the office with a special jutsu didn't last long. But, one of Seto's men, Doto, turned on him. He'd been hiding in the office the whole time-Heard Junko and my plan. Creepy bastard had this fixation on her… He stabbed his leader in the back, and let me go." Tenten frowned.

"Didn't you offer my mother the chance to come with you?" Tusume sighed heavily.

"Kid… Tenten… I'm sorry, but…" The girl's frown deepened as her bangs fell over her eyes.

"You didn't love her, did you."

Tusume felt a heavy weight in his chest that had nothing to do with the demon sealed inside. He sighed.

"No. I didn't. She didn't love me either, for that matter. She wanted to stay with Doto, be at his side and rule the country together… She sent a message a year later, telling me that she'd given birth to a child. It wasn't Doto's, which made him furious, but instead of killing it-You-he offered to let me come and pick you up. And I did so. I brought you to Konoha." Tenten drooped even further.

"… You weren't authorized to go, huh?" Tusume sighed yet again. He seemed to be doing that a lot.

"No. I couldn't claim you as my kid legally, either, since you were born outside the country. It's kind of fortunate that, in the mess following the Kyuubi attack, I was able to put you in an orphanage, claiming that I'd found you bawling in the ruins of the hospital. Nobody asked me any more questions, and any support I gave you on the sly was just seen as, well, sympathy. But I couldn't go any further than that because, well… Doto wanted no hint of your origins found. None." Tenten nodded slowly, numbly.

"So… You're the one who… Looked out for me financially all those years?" Tusume nodded and smirked, a hint of paternal pride in his eyes.

"Yeah… You're probably the finest weapons mistress I've seen in a while." Tenten flushed a bit and smiled timidly back.

"Thanks… Um…"

"Look. Don't call me Dad. It's-"

"Really awkward," Tenten finished. "At least, you know… Right now."

"Believe me… I'd have done-"

"It's okay… I understand," Tenten spoke, quietly but honestly to Tusume's senses. "It's part of The Life." Tusume nodded.


"One thing I don't get though… Why did you look so… Old, anyway?" Tenten asked. Tusume shrugged.

"Well, you heard how the Beast of Holding is the only thing that can hold a Bijuu?" Tenten nodded.


"Well, it can only hold a Bijuu if it's physical body is stripped away first. I tried to use it on the Kyuubi… And lost thirty years of my life, while it continued to rampage." Tusume shrugged. "I at least bought some more time for the Fourth to figure out how to defeat the damn thing…" Tenten nodded.

"And now… They're going to have you summon it, to seal away the Biju, so they can… Rule the world?" Tenten fidgeted awkwardly. "For… me?"

"No offense, but I'm not sacrificing the world for anything… Not even you," Tusume stated bluntly. Tenten nodded.

"I wouldn't either. So… I'm guessing you have a plan then?" Tusume shrugged.

"… Sort of." Tenten raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'm working on it…"

"Oh yeah, that's so encouraging," Tenten growled. "God, you remind me of Naruto!" Tusume smirked.

"Oh ho, I do, do I? You seem to talk about him a lot." Tenten blushed slightly.

"S-So what if I do?! He's my friend! … Sort of… Um…"

"Look, if you want to pursue him, I'm good with it. I've heard good things about him," Tusume offered. Tenten narrowed her eyes.

"You read Icha Icha Paradise?" Tusume coughed.

"Um… For the articles… Really."

"There are no articles!"

"Oh, so you read it then?"

"… Um… Er. Shouldn't we be trying to escape?"

"While they're overhearing? Screw it. Let's catch up. Maybe they'll have a heart attack if we get particularly mushy."

"I hate being mushy!"

"Well, that makes two of us…"

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Thank God for hyperactive plot bunnies! With which I write REALLY fast! Hope this plot development arc isn't boring you guys too badly. And I hope Tenten's backstory I made up isn't making you cringe. Yes, there are refs to the first Naruto movie. I hoped it would make it more authentic. Like it, hate it, I'd appreciate a review telling me about it.

NEXT TIME: Gai and Lee relate Tenten's fate, leading Danzo to order Team 7 out to… Sunagakure? And who is waiting for them in the Land of Winds?