A/N: Most writers have done it one time or another, I know I have – a summary so bad that people laugh at it. When you read this, don't be offended if one happens to be yours, but there are mostly three years old or so, and I'm not trying to make fun of anybody. So yes, the badfic summary page for LJ was amazing, I admit. Most people drew illustrations for the summaries, but seeing as I can't draw, I did this instead. Let me explain a little first…
The stuff in italics with the numbers are the summaries themselves. The first one is actually just a part of a rather long and boring summary, but the rest are the whole summary. Anyway, the second part of the title, also in italics, is also one of the summaries (my favorite one). So enjoy!
By the way, my favorite one is number 4. Or 11.
Disclaimer: Still not Jo.
Badfic Summary Tribute - (THE SUPENUSE!0.0 IT'S MIND BOOGLEING!)
1. She has no name, but his...is Señor Draco.
She had no name, in all actuality. She didn't mind at all, though, because she always got to make up her own nicknames. She liked nicknames, really, because they made her feel kind of poetic in a sense. But no nickname, however poetic, could make her feel the way he did.
She's first met him in the streets of Hogsmeade. Loaded down with bags and books, her Slytherin tie blown over her shoulder by the breeze, she'd stubbed her toe on a rock.
All her books crashed to the ground and, cursing, she got to her knees to pick them up. She noticed, however, that someone else had bent over to help her. She couldn't see his face at first, due to the blinding shadow cast by his sombrero, but when he stood up she was amazed.
He stood there, holding her Potions book in his hand, his full mustache rippling in the cool breeze and a smug smile complimenting the taco he held in his other hand. He handed her her book and she took it with a shaking hand.
"Hello," he said charmingly, pulling out a maraca and giving it a shake. "I'm… Señor Draco."
2. A young Muggle girl finds her way into Hogwarts and also into the infamous Potions Master.
Snape struggled against the bonds holding him fast to the surgical table that had been dragged from the Room of Requirement. Above him stood a young Muggle girl from who knows where, and she was pulling a set of scrubs on over her jeans and t-shirt.
"Let me go, you little brat," he spat angrily, trying to wandlessly summon his wand so that he could blow the little Muggle to bits. How she had gotten inside the castle, he really had no clue.
She smirked behind her mask and held up a large handsaw. Snape felt the color drain from his face.
"Don't worry, Snapikins, it's just a little labotomy." She paused for dramatic effect, then lowered the saw to rest on his forehead. "You won't feel a thing."
3. Albus runs away from his heart to Paris but his heart follows him.
"Just keep running, just keep running…" Albus hummed to himself as he continued sprinting down the streets of Paris, leaving a trail of blood behind him as he went. His robes were splattered with blood, a beautiful shade of lilac blue now stained with red.
He had to escape, he just had to. The only way to get away was to just keep running… just keep running.
Albus ducked behind an alley wall and rested against it, looking down at the hole in his chest and panting. Just then, a floating heart, arteries hovering weirdly around it, sped by in the air, dripping blood as it went.
"Wait, Albus!" It shouted in a high pitch voice, waving one of the tube-like veins that protruded from it. "You need me to pump blood!"
Albus winced and looked down again at the gaping hole in his chest. He raised his eyebrows and looked back up, attmepting to catch his breath and feeling slightly dizzy. His heart had had a point, after all.
4. Draco and Hermione have just graduated and are acting like rabbits.
Still dressed in her formal dress clothes for graduation, Hermione let herself fall back onto the kitchen table. She adjusted the fake bunny ears she'd gotten from the party store to fit better on her head and blew an ear off her face in exhaustion.
"Hey Draco?" she said in a tired voice.
Draco looked up from his concentrated hopping session and at Hermione.
"What is it?" he asked, casually picking a piece of lettuce out from between his teeth.
Hermione, who was almost too exhausted to speak, as she had just hopped an entire lap around the castle and dug a whole burrow, held out a hand.
"Pass the carrots."
5. Draco, for no discernible reason, has decided to walk to San Francisco.
A slightly grumpy Draco trudged out from under the water and onto the San Francisco beach. He spat out a steam of salty water and grimaced. The walk from London to San Francisco had not been an easy one – he had almost drowned several times.
"What a walk," he muttered darkly, reaching his hands back and wringing the water out of his hair. Suddenly, then, he realized something and swore loudly.
"Agh, I've forgotten my dry trainers!"
6. Five years after the final battle, Harry is the star cellist of the London Philharmonic.
"I always knew it was going to happen," Ginny said matter-of-factly as she and Hermione took their seats next to Ron in the theater.
Hermione nodded vigorously and smiled. "Yes," she said, "I always had my suspicion, of course. I never thought he'd manage to get out of it unscathed, though."
"He was a tough one, wasn't he?" Ron interjected loudly, "But Harry managed to get through to him alright. And now look where we are!"
Suddenly the lights dimmed and the crowd grew very silent. The curtains opened and there sat Harry, a hand-crafted cello between his legs and a bow in his hand. The conducter came out next and the audience burst into applause for the two of them.
"There he is," whispered Ginny to Hermione, "Harry had such a hard time with that conductor, but they managed alright."
Hermione nodded and pressed a finger to her lips, for the conductor picked up his microphone.
"Welcome to the London Philharmonic!" The Conductor said happily into the microphone. "I would like to begin tonight's show with our star cellist, Harry Potter, playing Concierto Grosso in G Minor."
The audience cheered and clapped as Harry set the bow on the strings and struck up a tune.
7. Harry goes to prostitute college to train to become a pimp.
Harry snatched up the snake cane he had stolen from Lucius Malfoy and headed towards the door. He was stopped, however, by Ron Weasley.
"You're kidding, right?" Ron said with a smirk. "Prostitute College? I can't believe it."
Harry shrugged and strode past his friend.
"How do I look?" Harry asked, turning around suddenly.
Ron eyed Harry's pinstriped suit and polished black shoes dolefully.
"Like some kind of player," he replied hopelessly. He ran to catch up with Harry, who had already opened the front door. "Are you really going to go to get training?" Ron asked.
Harry reached out the snakey cane and hit the brim of his pinstriped tophat. He caught it in his outstretched hand and pulled it fashionably down over his eyes. He adjusted it and ran his fingers slickly over the brim of the tophat and winked at Ron.
"Pimpin' aint easy, Ron."
8. Hermione turns vampire yadda yadda yadda. Got bored of summary.
Hermione's pleading cries were never heard as the vampire bit into the flesh of her neck, piercing the skin and contaminating her blood. Surely now, she would be one of them – a vampire.
"No, please!" Hermione cried, trying to block out the pain as she reached for her wand, which was lying uselessly on the ground.
The vampire looked up, blood dripping from its vile fangs and sweat pouring down its pale face. Above them the crescent moon sent a reflection of pearly white off the fangs, giving Hermione the chills and making her cry even harder. Tears poured down her face as she knew that she was now a –
Suddenly everything disappeared. Hermione looked around wildly and wiped the tears from her eyes as she stared out at the blank white nothingness that surrounded her.
"Hey, what gives?" she shouted into the air.
The author shrugged and replied, "Sorry, I got bored of the summary."
9. Ron is visciously attakced by a wereflamingoe, aka Severus Snape.
"Weasley, get back here!" Shouted Snape as Ron made to sneak out of the detention in which he was trapped.
Ron groaned and turned to run, but the Potions-Master was far too quick for him, and snatched him around the collar.
"Weasley, listen here," Snape snarled menacingly as he spun Ron around in the corridor. "You can't just –"
Snape's words ended abruptly in a gasp as he looked out the window. Outside the clouds were parting to reveal a full, round moon. Snape dropped to his knees and ron watched on, horrified, as snape went rigid. He began to shake and groan, his limbs shrinking and growing pinker. Feathers sprouted on his face and his hooked nose transformed into a beak.
"P-professor?" Ron asked in horror, watching as Snape's knees bent backwards and became too thin to be real. "Professor, I – agh!"
Ron gave a frightened scream and backed away a step as Snape, the wereflamingo, straightened up and eyed him with beady black eyes. Snape ruffled his featheres and eyed Ron with what could only be one thing – hunger.
"What?" Ron said hurriedly, backing away more as Snape began forward. "Nooo!"
Ron's anguished cry was never heard as Snape pounced and proceeded to peck the redhead's eyes out.
10. What can a young Harry Potter do, when his family bathes in the light while he showers in darkness?
"God, I am so depressed," Harry murmured to himself as he walked quickly down the hallway of Number Four, a towel in his hand. The Dursleys really did seem to hate him more than usual, and he couldn't blame them. He was a long-haired goth with black nail polish, after all. Hell, they wouldn't even let him shower in the daytime any more.
He closed the door to the loo with a smirk that showed off his black eyeliner even in the dark.
"At least I can use all the hot water."
11. Will Ginny accept Draco's preposition!
"Okay Draco, try again," Ginny said patiently from where she sat at her desk.
Draco, who stood at the front of the classroom, took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as if forcing himself to do something rather difficult.
"About above across after around at before behind below by down during –"
"No, no, it's all wrong!" Ginny exclaimed, standing up and smacking her hand down on the desk in frustration. She shook her head and took a calming breath. "You forgot 'beside' again!"
Draco growled and kicked the wall next to him in frustration.
"Damn it, I'm never going to get this right," he said moodily.
A/N: If you like it, tell me your favorite. If you didn't like it, then tell me why.