Earth to Elisabeth

by planet p



I don't own 'Stargate: Atlantis' or any of its characters. Goodness be praised. Neither do I own the song 'Baby, are you putting me on?' (Gentry, Harp; Randazzo), sung by Jackie Trent.


Chapter One

McKay stopped in the centre of the hall. He rolled his eyes. Trust Elisabeth to forget the meeting she had arranged. He turned the corner and called out her name. "Elisabeth!"

She didn't look up, didn't notice him. Instead she seemed to be playing hopscotch. He shook his head. That woman was just too weird sometimes. "Elisabeth?"

Weir stopped and looked up. "Oh, pfff," she snorted, rolling her overlarge eyes in a childish manner, "Elisabeth is booooooring! Bethy. Bethy is so way radder. I don't want to be boring old Elisabeth anymore. I'm Bethy now! Yeah?"

McKay frowned. "Elisabeth-"

Weir stuck her tongue out and stared in the opposite direction as though fascinated, turning from side to side slightly, her head on her shoulder. "Elisabeth isn't here now. You might want to take a rain-check." She giggled mischievously and stared at her shoes. "Gawd, this garb is so ugly!" She made an ill expression. "It's grossing me out. Elisabeth is so going on a long holiday. I'm over her so-not-at-all fashion sense, totally over it – cured!"

McKay grabbed her shoulders. "Earth to Elisabeth!"

Weir pushed him away. "Dumb boy! This isn't Earth… This is Atlantis. Pegasus."

McKay shook his head. She was mad! She had been fine earlier. He couldn't figure it out. Was she ill? Yes! That was it! She had to be ill. "Erm… Bethy?"

Weir spun around and stared at him disapprovingly. "What?" she snapped impatiently.

Yes, what exactly are you planning on telling her? "D… Wanna come see what the doctor's up to?"

She frowned, scrunching up her nose, her eyes narrowed. "Why? What's so special about this doc? He torturing someone or something?"

This was so not like Elisabeth. "Could be. So you'll come?"

She twisted from side to side, gazing at the floor as though she had never seen anything quite so fascinating in all her life. "Nahhh. Sounds 'b' for boring."

McKay wanted to rip on his hair. Without thinking he dashed forward and kissed her on the cheek. "You're It!" he shouted and ran off up the hall towards the medical quarters.

Weir stood there for a moment, stunned. McKay almost stopped, but then she shouted, "OI! Get back here! I am so gunna get you for that!" She took chase.

Rounding the corner, he saw the hall was full of people. "Meep!" he screamed. People backed out of his way, looking frightened. Weir came hurtling round the corner. "Gotcha!" she screamed.

McKay tried not to look behind him, but she was gaining on him. He ran past Sheppard who gave him an inquisitive frown. McKay shook his head but didn't stop to explain. Sheppard noticed Weir running and stepped out into the hall to ask her what was going on. Smack! She ran right into him. She screamed. "Whatcha do that for! Crazy boy!" She made to push past him.

Sheppard seized her by the shoulders. "What do you mean 'crazy boy'?"

She frowned, trying to wriggle free of his hold. "Ewww, boy germs. Let me go! Let me go! I've got to get the pipsqueak! Got to give his arse a right good kicking! Let me go, damn you!" She shoved him away viscously and made to run.

Sheppard caught her arm. "McKay you mean?"

"McKay, Mschmay! He's so in for it!" She brushed his hand away savagely. Sheppard wasn't letting up.

"Why? What did he do?"

Weir stopped struggling, turned to look Sheppard in the eye, conspiracy shining from her own eyes. "Not telling." She put on a tragic expression, stared down at her shoes. "No, no, I won't tell…" she mumbled, shaking her head.

Quite suddenly Sheppard's expression changed. "Tell me what he did to you?" he whispered softly.

"No, no…" Weir was still mumbling to her shoes. She started to sob.

Sheppard stepped forward and lifted her chin. Tears ran down her face onto her top. "Did he hurt you?"

Weir choked loudly and looked away obstinately, not willing to meet his eyes. Sheppard pulled her into a hug. "Yes," Weir whispered.

Sheppard pulled out of the embrace and held her at arm's length. "He hurt you?"

Weir stared at her shoes, ashamed. She sniffed loudly. "Yes."


Weir gave a tiny cry and tried to pull away. Sheppard held fast to her shoulders. "I don't want to tell…" she began, her voice shaking.

"Elisabeth, listen to me! You have to tell me."

Weir sniffed, wiping her tears on one sleeve and her nose on the other. "I didn't want to," she started to rant, "I didn't, but he made me. I told him 'no', but he wouldn't listen. I told him I would scream, but he didn't care. He wouldn't stop!" She managed to pull away now and threw herself to the floor, beating the floor with her fists. "He wouldn't!"

Sheppard's expression set. He knelt down beside her. "It's alright now. I'll make sure he can't hurt you ever again, but you've got to come with me."

Weir tried to scramble away, but he took her hand. She shrieked and trembled. "No! No, I won't go anywhere near him! I don't want-"

"You have to! You want him to get away with this!"


"Then you have to come with me."

Weir threw herself on Sheppard. She looked up into his face, her own face tear-stained, her eyes red and puffy, her head rested on his chest. Her bottom lip trembled. "You won't let him hurt me again?"

"NO! I'll make sure he doesn't come an inch near you!"

She sobbed into his shoulder and they stood.


McKay reached the medical quarters, badly out of breath. He thumped himself down on one of the tables. Beckett stared at him, frowning. McKay rolled his eyes, a hand on either side of his legs grasping the edge of the table top. "Don't look at me like that! She's the crazy one!"

"C- Who's the crazy one?"

McKay glared up at him as though it was terribly obvious who the mad one was, as though Beckett must be crazy or stupid to ask. "Elisabeth!" He shook his head.

Beckett froze. "You can't-"

"I can say whatever I damn well please! You'll see! She's crazy! She'll come running in here any moment, wanting to throttle the life outta me. Then we'll see who the crazy one is!" He rubbed his hands across his cheeks and stared down at his shoes once more, kicking his legs about nervously.

Beckett shook his head. McKay had lost it!


Beckett was checking one of his analytical instruments when a sudden shriek made him turn. Sheppard stood in the doorway with Weir. He was holding her in his arms as though he thought she might die if he let go and she was fighting for dear life to escape. McKay had looked up also. He stopped kicking his legs and slid of the desk. Beckett frowned. McKay smirked smugly as if to say 'told you so, but you wouldn't believe me… ha!' He started for the door.

Sheppard looked up and shouted. "You keep away from her!"

McKay stopped dead, shocked, and then he smiled. "Oh, so this is how it is now, is it, Bethy, darling?"

Weir nearly knocked Sheppard to the floor trying to get away. "I said: KEEP AWAY FROM HER!" Sheppard shouted.

McKay rolled his eyes. "Not talkin' to me then!" He laughed savagely and looked away from the pair, staring up at the ceiling instead.

Beckett strolled over. "Will someone care to explain what's going on here?"

"Why don't you ask McKay?" Sheppard shot at him venomously.

McKay looked back to Sheppard and Weir. "Oh! Oh! Ask me, huh? Why don't you ask her – she's the crazy one!"

Sheppard snapped. He seized McKay by the front of his clothes and threw him against the wall. "You little bastard!"

"Hey!" Beckett shouted and ran to stop a fight. McKay looked genuinely frightened, Sheppard murderous. "Don't make me sedate you both!"

McKay shook his head. "She's crazy! Prob'ly been telling him all kind of fairytales in that oh-so-sweet voice of hers!" He started to laugh.

Sheppard hit his head into the wall. Beckett flinched. That must've hurt.

There was a sudden scream from behind them. "Sheppard!" Weir came running over and separated the pair. She was staring back at Sheppard angrily. She turned to McKay and frowned. "Rodney… I am disappointed. I thought you were better than this, getting into stupid schoolboy fights! Ppp!" She turned on her heel and strode from the room.

"Bethy – wait!" McKay ran to catch her up, took her arm and spun her around to face him. Weir didn't look at him, stared determinately at her boots instead.

"What?" she shot, grinding her teeth impatiently.

"I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes. "If you say so," she began dismissively.

McKay lifted her chin up, staring deep into her eyes. "I do say so!"

She shrugged and pulled away from him. She stopped at the door. "Oh… and Rodney, it's Elisabeth."

"Yes ma'am."

She smiled briefly and swept from the room.


"What-" Sheppard began.

McKay didn't bother to explain, didn't even look away from the door. Then he turned and strode over to the two men, his hands in his pockets. He stared at the floor for a moment before he knelt down and snatched something up and strode off, casual as ever. He began to hum. "Baby, are you putting me on? Tell me if your love is gone? Baby, baby, baby, baby, are ya putting me oooooo-ooo-ooo-nnn? Baby, are ya putting me on? Come on, baby, are ya putting me ooo-ooon? Tell me if your love is gone. If your love is gone. Well are you putting me on?"

Both Sheppard and Beckett were looking as though they had had a bucket of water thrown over them. McKay strode out into the hall and disappeared. Beckett turned to Sheppard. "What was that about?"

Sheppard shrugged. "You tell me! I'm lost!"

"Well what did Weir tell you?"

Sheppard looked up. "I just don't get it?"

"I'll make us coffee."

Sheppard nodded and they headed for the door also. Sheppard began to explain all that Weir had told him.


The room was now completely devoid of life. A sudden movement came from under a table. A small girl crawled out of the shadows and stood up, brushing her red hooded dress down. She looked up from the floor and smiled.


McKay sat in his lab working on some complex mathematical formulae. He frowned slightly and turned to his computer, staring at the screen. Jackie Trent was playing from somewhere within the room.

There was a sudden knock on the door. McKay spun around in his chair. "Door's open," he said, turning back to his computer screen. He smiled suddenly and snatched up his pen, but before he could turn back to his calculations he noticed a flicker of red to his right. He turned around in his chair once more. A little girl stared back at him. He rolled his eyes and stood up, shaking his head. "I suppose you're too young to understand the concept of alone time. I was working on something. I'll tell you what, I can't play now but you can take a rain-check," he turned back to the little girl and offered her a chocolate bar, "yeah?"

The girl smiled and took the chocolate bar from him. She stowed it away in one if her pockets and looked up at him again. "I'm Yolly." She held out her hand.

McKay took her hand and shook it. "Rodney."

The little girl's smile widened. With an almost unnatural strength she pulled McKay forward. He shouted and fell forward. But he did not squash the girl, instead the girl seemed to pass right through him. When he stood she was gone. He smiled. His eyes flashed red. The song changed. "You Baby" started.


Weir stood in the tiny white room pouring her self a coffee. She stirred in three sugars. The door was pulled open and Sheppard and Beckett walked in discussing something or other. They stopped as soon as they saw her. "Hi, guys." They looked away from her awkwardly. She frowned and shrugged, before turning back to her hot coffee. All of a sudden she felt quite unsettled. Beckett started rummaging in one of the cupboards and pulled out a jar of biscuits and offered one to Sheppard. Weir walked over. She widened her eyes slightly. "May I?"

Beckett nearly dropped the plastic jar. "I… Sure." He grabbed a handful of biscuits and hurriedly passed her the jar, careful not to touch her hand as he did so. He and Sheppard passed her cautiously and huddled by the electric urn. Weir snatched up a biscuit as started crunching on it slowly, not particularly hungry. She frowned, troubled by her friends' odd behaviour.

A moment later the door was pushed open again. McKay looked around the room and spotted her. Weir hurried over to him, her eyes wide, keen to break the awkward atmosphere of the room. "Rodney! Wanna biscuit?"

He frowned, looking down at the jar of biscuits clutched in her hand and the cup of coffee in the other. He tossed his head. "Not terribly."

She frowned, cleaning her back teeth with her tongue. Rodney declining food was not normal. "Did I do something earlier?"

McKay tilted his head to one side and shook his head. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on! Why else is everyone else acting so odd around me then?" she stormed hotly, blushing. McKay was staring at her with wide eyes. She frowned. "What?"

All of a sudden she found herself backed against the wall, being almost suffocated by McKay kissing her. She was too shocked at first and so she did nothing, then she realised she had no hands to push him away. She dropped the mug and biscuit jar in her hands. The mug smashed loudly. The plastic jar bounced across the floor, biscuits spilling here and there as it rolled to a stop against Beckett's shoe. Beckett and Sheppard stared, lost for words. They made to break the pair apart, then stopped and looked at each other. Beckett shook his head. They stormed across the room but Weir got there first. She pushed McKay back with such force he fell to the floor. His hands flew out behind him to break his fall. "Oww!" He stared down at his hand, rubbing one of his wrists painfully. He gazed up at Weir as though he thought she was cracked. "What did you do that for?" he demanded childishly.

"What…! What…! Are you kidding me! You're out of your mind, Rodney!"

McKay opened his mouth, outraged. "Me! Out of my mind! Hah! What about you before!" He stood up now.

Weir slid sideways along the wall, her eyes wide and wary in her face. "You really are crazy! I did nothing wrong! It was YOU and that Sheppard arguing! It had nothing to do with me!"

Beckett and Sheppard froze. Beckett looked as if he would like nothing more than to disappear. "Not again," Sheppard breathed.

"NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Oh, this is so typical of you, Elisabeth!"

Weir flinched. "DON'T YOU SHOUT AT ME!" she roared back.

McKay laughed, grabbing her arms and shaking. "I'LL BLOODY WELL SHOUT AT YOU AS MUCH AS I LIKE!"

Weir started to struggle. "LET ME GO! YOU'RE CRAZY!" She turned to the other two now. "Get him off me!" she pleaded. Beckett and Sheppard frowned. "I'M ORDERING YOU, GOD DAMN IT!" The two men nodded, guilty looks on their faces, and hurried forward to release her. McKay released her before they could make it. He stared at her a moment longer before storming angrily from the room. He slammed the door on his way out. Weir stood huddled in the corner, her arms across her chest, shaking. "Thanks a lot, guys!" she shot and bent down to pick up her broken mug.


Weir stood outside the door of McKay's lab. Music was blaring loudly from within. McKay seemed to be in a bad mood. She paced up and down in front of his door, wondering whether to knock or not. Finally she rushed over to the door and wrenched it open without knocking.

McKay looked up from his desk as she entered then he stood up and stormed over. He took her arm and without even speaking escorted her from the room. "Rodney!"

"I will not be alone in any room with you!" he told her, "And don't you dare 'Rodney' me! I refuse to speak to you."

Weir scowled. "I can order you too, Rodney!"

"Pff! Don't give a toss!" He let go of her arm and left her standing out in the hall. He slammed the door loudly.

"Rodney!" She wrenched the door open once more. "Look, those other guys aren't gonna talk to me. Before you go chucking me out again, listen will you! All I want is some answers!" McKay ignored her. She walked over to his desk. "Rodney!" He was scribbling down his mathematics; acting, for all the world, as if she simply did not exist. She placed a hand on his arm. "Please?" she whispered. He brushed her hand away instantly. He didn't look up. She sighed and planted herself down on the desk in front of him.

He took a deep breath. "Leave me alone!"

"Not before you talk to me!"

"I told you – I will not talk to you!"

"You're talking to me now, aren't you?"

McKay stood up now. "Get! Off! My! Desk!" he shouted.

Elisabeth shook her head stubbornly, a defiant air about the way she lifted her chin a little higher. She crossed her legs and stared up at him. He couldn't hold her gaze. He looked away, closing his eyes and laughing to himself. He turned back to her a moment later. "Do you want me?" she breathed.

"What?" He backed away. She jumped up off the desk and walked slowly towards him. "See, this is exactly the reason I did not want y-" He had come up against the wall. She threw herself at him and started kissing him. He tried to push her away without hurting her. She was making it very hard. She wrapped a hand around his shoulders. He started to feel very warm inside. He stopped trying to fight her off.


Sheppard and Beckett had decided to talk to McKay. They didn't quite feel comfortable around Weir and they quite imagined she might start yelling at them again if they got anywhere near her. Besides, Beckett had wanted to have a word with him about whether there was a history of mental illness in his family. ABBA was blaring from within the room that was McKay's lab. They smiled to each other, both thinking the same thing – geek! A song called "Bang-a-boomerang" was playing. In Beckett's opinion it was a very odd song. Sheppard hastily agreed. They decided they wouldn't give McKay time to barricade the door with anything to stop them getting in to talk to him. He could be like that sometimes. They pushed the door open… and froze. "Uh-oh…" Beckett turned to his friend embarrassed. Sheppard shook his head and they both backed out of the room.

"That is not normal!" Sheppard told him.

"You wanna tell them to cut it out!" Beckett was so red in the face now he could have been sun-burnt.

Sheppard shivered and shook his head fervently. "No!"

"Teyla," they both said at once. They ran off down the hall.


Teyla couldn't understand why these two men were dragging her out the door as though the room were about to explode or the planet might suddenly stop rotating if they failed. She pulled away from them. "What is wrong with you two?" She was surprised by the reaction this had in the two men. They both blushed as though they had just been smacked in the face, then they looked at each other.

"You tell her!" Sheppard told his friend.

"No, you."

Teyla was getting impatient by their childish antics. "Tell me what?" she demanded in a voice that clearly expressed authority.

Beckett blushed even more deeply. He took a deep breath… and let it out again. "We need your help."

Teyla nodded. They were getting somewhere at last. "On what matter?"

"Ermm…?" Beckett could not possibly turn any redder. He started to fidget with his hands, twisting one hand around his wrist.

"Weir and McKay aren't quite feeling themselves," Sheppard told her very fast.

"They aren't?"

"No," Beckett confirmed, staring at his shoes.

"Are you not the doctor?"

Beckett looked up suddenly. "Err… N- I mean, yes, but…"

Teyla tilted her head to one side and narrowed her eyes. "Tell me about this 'not acting themselves'?"

Sheppard took this as his cue. He seized her arm and dragged her off up the hall, Beckett their heels. "You'll see," he told her.

Teyla did not like this one bit.


They rounded the hall to McKay's lab and slowed down. Teyla pulled away from Sheppard indignantly. "Now what is it you want me to help you with?" she demanded in an angry tone, staring at the two men distastefully. Beckett nodded towards the door to McKay's lab. Teyla frowned.

"Just… Just…" Beckett fell short.

"Can't you hear?" Sheppard began, "They're arguing again. They won't listen to either me or Beckett. You have to sort them out!"

Teyla wasn't entirely convinced. "No, I cannot hear, not with that abhorrent sound-"

"Music," Beckett added helpfully.

"Not with that abhorrent… music...?"

Sheppard looked very worried. "We don't want anyone getting hurt. Please, Teyla?" He gave her that look. She rolled her eyes and scowled. She couldn't say no to that poor helpless schoolboy look.

"Oh, alright," she began.

Sheppard sighed. Beckett leant against the wall, relieved. His eyes suddenly turned wide in his face. "Oh, um, what if…" he fell short at the look from Sheppard.

Teyla frowned but continued towards the door. That music was certainly very different to what she believed music should sound like. Little wonder McKay is so odd, she thought to herself. She knocked twice before entering. The sight that greeted her nearly made her scream. Those… Sheppard was going to be very sorry indeed. She had never seen two people so blissfully unaware that another had just entered to room. Weir was in the process of unbuttoning her top and getting suffocated by McKay kissing her so much when Teyla shouted. "Beckett said you two were arguing or something," she screamed above the music, "It seems you are okay now. I may excuse myself now." She didn't wait for a reply. She stormed from the room and shut the door with a tiny snap.

Out in the hall Beckett and Sheppard were looking amused. Teyla stormed straight up to Sheppard and threw him against the wall, her face very close to his. Beckett screamed. "Oh my God! She's… She's… It's contagious! Run!" Teyla turned from Sheppard momentarily to glare hatefully at Beckett. He ran for it. It was only when he got to the corner that he stopped. He seemed to shrink, as though he wanted to melt into the floor. "Oh," he said in a tiny voice.

Teyla turned angrily back to Sheppard. "Ex-plain!"

Sheppard was no longer smiling. He nodded. He began to explain. Teyla smirked. Then she hic-cupped, shock staring out of her brown eyes.


Teyla knocked on the door. "I take it you are no longer arguing," she shouted cautiously.

"Oh – go away!" Weir shouted back miserably.

"I only want to help," Teyla answered her in a kind voice, a small smile across her lips.

There was the sound of scuffling. "You keep your mouth shut," Weir breathed. Teyla imagined this had been directed at McKay. Weir had probably placed a hand over his mouth in order to "shut" him up.

Teyla shrugged. She turned away from the door. "Well if there is anything I can do to help, you know where to find me," she called back to them casually. She strolled up the hall to where Beckett and Sheppard stood. "You two owe me!"

"Big time!" Sheppard assured her.

"Well it sounds as though their back to their normal selves now, at any rate" Teyla concluded.

"They're not gonna come outta there for a bit, I imagine," Beckett said.

Sheppard nodded. "Who's up for rugby?"

Beckett grinned excitedly. Teyla frowned, uncertain. "Will there be 'snacks'?"

Sheppard grinned too now. He placed a hand on Teyla's shoulder. "Sure, hon', anything for you!"

Teyla brushed his hand away and turned to him, scowling. He backed away, thoroughly sober now. "Wha'd'you think? You can't have rugby without snacks," he replied with a hint of caution in his voice.

Teyla smiled approvingly and nodded. "I am glad." She started off ahead. The guys fell back. Beckett rolled his eyes to Sheppard. Sheppard nodded, giving him a warning look incase Teyla turned again. Teyla smiled wickedly to herself secretly. She knew how to play the guys. In the words of Weir, guys were such suckers sometimes!


Weir turned to McKay. "You think they've gone?" she whispered.

"Go check the door."

"No, you, go and check the door!" She pushed him in the arm.

He rolled his eyes. "I don't know why I let girls push me around. Gawd, I'm going soft in my old age." He stood up and walked across the room quietly.

A little girl suddenly seemed to step right out of the door. McKay screamed and made to hide behind Weir. "They are no longer outside the door," the little girl with the red eyes informed them.

"You!" Weir breathed.

The girl's eyes widened. "Me!" she taunted. She gave a little wave. "Tuh-tah," and with that she was gone in a wisp of red smoke.

Weir turned to a stunned looking McKay and rested her head on his shoulder. "Oh no!" she whined.

"She-" McKay began.

"I know what she just did. I saw it too."

McKay frowned. "How-"

"Don't give a toss," Weir whined, holding her head. "Turn that music up won't you? And, oh, shove a desk or something in front of the door. I have had enough for one day!"

McKay did as he was told. He sat down on his desk miserably, kicking his legs about. Opening on of the drawers he pulled out a packet of biscuits. "Want some biscuits?" he asked. Weir came and sat down next to him.

"Might as well." She held her hand out. "Tah." She opened the biscuit packet and passed him a few. They sat eating their biscuits in silence, watching as the computer screen saver moved from one side of the screen to the other.