AN: I was idly wondering, in the last five minutes of my study hall… why are Shikamaru and Kiba the only ones with moms? Yeah, sure, ALL of them have moms, but we only ever see THEIR moms alive. So I thought, 'How can I make moms funny?' but then immediately hit myself in the head, 'cause, come on, YOUR MOM. Haha… your okaa-san! …I make myself laugh… I'm so pathetic…
Disclaimer:Naruto is copyright Kishimoto. I receive nothing from writing this but satisfaction and a few laughs. I made up all the "your mom" jokes in this. Any similarity to, uh… OTHER "your mom" jokes is purely coincidental.
This story is dedicated to Inuzuka Tsume and Nara Yoshino for raising two of the best ninjas EVER.
The Adventures of Kiba and Shikamaru
Chapter One: Your Mom
Kiba and Shikamaru were hanging out together in down town Konoha on their day off.
"Why are we hanging out together?" asked Shikamaru after a moment, eyebrow raised confusedly.
"Dunno," Kiba retorted. "I'm not a genius. Maybe we're friends, or something."
That made sense to Shikamaru. Kiba certainly wasn't a genius. He nodded and there was a moment of awkward silence.
"So…" ventured the lazy Nara, "are we just going to stand here? …'Cause that's kind of troublesome…" Shikamaru could think of four whole things he'd rather be doing instead of standing there: cloud watching, playing shougi, or sleeping. '…Dammit, that's only three'. Shikamaru sighed and finally deemed moving too troublesome, so decided to just stand there and hang out with Kiba.
Kiba, however, was a much more energetic person than his companion. If they were just going to stand around all day, he was leaving. He decided that, to properly "hang out" he and Shikamaru would have to… do something! He took it upon himself to instigate a game. He hoped Shikamaru would catch on since he was a genius and all.
"Hey Shikamaru," Kiba called.
"What?" was the unenthusiastic response.
It took a moment for the last sentence to click in Shikamaru's mind. When it did, the boy's eyebrows flew up and he actually turned to face the dog boy standing next to him.
"My mom? What about your mom?" Shikamaru couldn't be upset at someone insulting his mother. He insulted her all the time himself to her face. Still, he decided that making jokes about Kiba's mom was a good way to pass the time. "Your mom… is a shuriken." he finished, saying the first thing that came to mind.
Kiba snorted. 'Shikamaru isn't really good at this…' he thought. 'Well… I let him set the tone. If that's the way he wants to play…' Kiba composed himself.
"Shikamaru… your mom… drinks tea." Kiba smirked, pleased at his response. He was taken aback, however, at Shikamaru's highly offended look.
"Kiba! You know that's a sore subject for me!" the Nara bit out, turning away. When he looked back, his features were set in a dark scowl. "Your mom… is a palindrome." Shikamaru hid a grin. 'That one will stump Kiba for a while…'
And indeed it did.
"…What's a palindrome again?" Kiba asked reluctantly, feeling as if he should know. He couldn't act properly offended if he had no idea what was going on.
Shikamaru muffled a laugh and decided to see exactly how gullible his friend was. "Kiba… it means your butt looks like your face…" He was disappointed, though, because Kiba immediately gave him a 'Nu-uh!' look.
"I can't believe you, Shikamaru! Not only did you insult my mother, but you tried to lie about it, too!" he asserted, finally remember exactly what a palindrome was. "That's so low! I mean… your mom wakes up at 6:15 every morning. It's the only explanation for your behavior!" Kiba rolled his eyes and silently congratulated himself. He really had this whole 'pretend to be pissed at inoffensive insults' thing down.
Shikamaru snorted and crossed his arms, looking around haughtily. "Yeah, well, your mom goes to the grocery store…. regularly." He raised an eyebrow at his erstwhile companion, now 'enemy', as if to say, 'What now, fool!' He wasn't disappointed at the Inuzuka's reaction.
Kiba mouth dropped in disbelief before grit his teeth and clenched his fists. "Your mom…" he bit out, "yuh…y-your mom… ends all her sentences with 'guaranteed'!" He stumbled a moment, trying to come up with something good before going with the first totally random thing that came to him. Kiba would later recall it as a good move; he was one of the few people to see Nara Shikamaru completely bewildered, if only for half a second.
It was true. Shikamaru had no idea how Kiba had come to that conclusion. Still, he rallied his troops (ie: his insults) and let loose a curse so foul and tainted…, "Right Kiba. Everyone knows that. What they don't know is that your mom's favorite flavor of ice cream… is strawberry." He raised his head slightly in superiority.
In the whole five seconds it had taken for Shikamaru to reply, Kiba had come up with what, to him, was surely the best 'your mom' insult EVER. He immediately put it to good use.
"Haha! Shikamaru… Your mom wishes she were… Naruto!" he laughed, completely bypassing the obligatory 'fake being offended' stage. Shikamaru, too, let his adopted persona drop.
"Kiba!" he halfway whined (whining ALL the way was just too troublesome), "that's not funny…" he trailed off, because, really, Kiba's insult was totally hilarious.
"I dare you to call Naruto 'kaa-san' next time you see him and there are people around to see it," Kiba taunted, grinning devilishly. He watched Shikamaru's face morph into his 'I'm not doing anything THAT troublesome' look and continued. "What, too much of a pansy to do it, then, eh?" He smirked, showing fangs.
Shikamaru scowled and muttered a soft, "Your mom's a pansy," but didn't do anything else. Both boys knew that Shikamaru had lost the "Your Mom" challenge. Of course, Shikamaru hadn't really been given a chance to best the Naruto insult and when had it become a challenge where the loser had to do something embarrassing, anyway? Neither Shikamaru nor Kiba would EVER know, but it happened and no one EVER questions fate (at least, Neji didn't used to…).
Kiba pestered Shikamaru until he FINALLY agreed to call Naruto 'kaa-san' the next time he saw him when a few of their other friends were there to see it. "At least Naruto won't know what's going on," Shikamaru reassured himself. Truly, it would be more of a chance to laugh at Naruto's expense than his own, and that was a comforting thought.
The two friends stood in silence now that everything had been settled. A few minutes passed. Kiba looked at his watch and yawned.
"Well," he said matter-of-factly, "it's late. I'd better be going. See you around." He nodded good-bye and turned away, stretching his arms above his head.
Shikamaru watched him start to walk away before a final smirk crept across his face.
"Hey Kiba," he called out nonchalantly, leaning against the wall behind him casually. Kiba half-turned and regarded the Nara seriously.
"…Your mom, Kiba. Your mom."
Kiba smiled, his eyes hidden in shadow. He made no reply, but simply turned back around and continued on his way.
AN: Thus… Inuzuka Kiba and Nara Shikamaru parted ways… FOREVER! Even though I'm lying. They'll have many more future adventures. Heck, NEJI might even join in for a few of them. Then it will be The Adventures of Kiba, Shikamaru, and, Sometimes, Their Friend Neji. …Either way, I know I'm pumped for the next chapter!
Next time on TaoKaS: Shikamaru follows through with Kiba's demand and the consequences are dire! Naruto reacts in the most unexpected way! It's youth, it's power... oh, no, wait, that's only Lee… NEVERMIND!
And for everyone who is just SO confused… Okaa-san means "mother" in Japanese. Removing the 'o' for Kaa-san is like saying "mom".