Rene, Edith, Yvette, Mimi, Colonel Von Strom, Helga Geerhart, Hubert Gruber and Alberto Bertorelli were sitting in Café Rene drinking Cognacs when


They opened their eyes to dazzling sunlight to find themselves in a strange country near a beach. People were looking at them in very odd clothes.

"Where are we?" Said Helga asking the obvious

"I dunno" said Gruber

"I'll ask someone" said the colonel

"Ahh Colonel Von Strom" Said the Generals voice "I was sitting in my office when suddenly I was here, luckily I know some English and I know that this is the year 2006 and we are the Gold Coast Australia."

"Australia?" Said Yvette

"Yes Yvette Australia it's a country in the Southern Hemisphere, it's very hot." Replied Mimi in a very patronizing tone

"Oh you little squirt" Snarled Yvette

"Ladies please calm down" pleaded Gruber

"Hmm if you are here General then where are Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen" Helga asked

"Oh they have gone to book us into a hotel, here follow me" Said the General

At the hotel

"Right who's going with who for rooms?" asked Rene

"I'll go with the Colonel" Said Gruber

"No Lt I am" said the General

"Mimi-Yvette, I'll go with Rene" Said Edith

"But Mimi and Yvette will fight shouldn't I go with Yvette?" Said Rene hopefully

"No" Replied a grumpy looking Edith

"What about me? I'll go by myself" said Helga

"Well the lt and the captain need to sleep somewhere" Said the General

"Please I don't want to sleep with the Captain, He snores" Groaned Gruber

"Well Bertorelli can have his room, you can go with Helga" Said the colonel giving Gruber a evil grin

"Is that okay with you Helga?" Said Gruber

"I guess will we have our own rooms?" said Helga

"No sorry" said the general

"Oh please Herr Flick won't like it" said Helga quickly

"No you silly girl you won't be sharing a bed its single beds." Said the General

Half and hour later

Helga and Gruber are sitting in their room deciding what to do

"I'll go shopping, what size are you?" Asked Helga

"Huh, why do you ask?" asked Gruber puzzled

"Well we look out of place in German uniforms don't we" said Helga

"Oh in that case" replied Gruber

Then there is a knock at the door

"I'll get it" said Helga "Who's there?"

"Edith, Yvette and Mimi, we were wondering if you want to go shopping with us Private Geerhart."

"Yes I was about to go myself" said Helga smiling

4 hours later

"Where have you been?" said Gruber" I am boiling"

"Sorry got carried away" said Helga happily

"How much stuff did you get?" Gasped Gruber

"Oh enough" smiled Helga" C'mon do you want to go down to the pool, I just saw Herr Flick at the pool he says it's lovely want to try"

"Sure where are my togs?" Said Gruber

20 minutes later

Gruber is sitting in a pool chair with Rene and Edith waiting for Helga, Herr Flick approaches him

"Gruber where is Helga?" said Herr Flick taking a seat

"Choosing which togs she wants to wear" replied Gruber" Women are so fussy!"

"Ahh Herr Flick and Gruber may the colonel and I come and sit with you?" Said the general

"Sure" Said Rene

"Generalissimo and Colonel and the beautiful lady Edith" Said the familiar voice of the captain

"Hmm people are looking at us" Said Rene" Maybe we should talk to each other using our first names?"

"Good Idea, Right Gruber's is Hubert, the Generals is Erick, Herr Flicks is Otto, the Captains is Alberto, Von Smallhausen is Englebert and mine is Kurt" Said the Colonel or Kurt

"What did I miss?" Said Helga coming down in a pair of huge sunglasses and a tiny black bikini and was holding a lilo and a beach bag

All the men except Gruber's eyes started coming out of their heads

Then Yvette and Mimi came down, Yvette sporting a blue strapless bikini and Mimi a pink tankini and they were almost drooling

"Right come and get some sunscreen on" Said Helga in a mother like tone

Helga was lying on her lilo snoozing in the cold pool Gruber came and jumped in making her jump and fall in.

"Hubert you son of a….." she snarled

"Temper temper" Said Hubert laughing

Later on that evening Edith was making dinner, Rene was taking to Gruber, Erick and Kurt were sitting reading the paper, Bertorelli was flirting with Yvette and Mimi failing miserably and Helga and Herr Flick were having a snogathon in the spa. Gruber and Rene not realising what Helga and Herr Flick were up to came round to the spa to find Herr Flick attempting to undo Helga's bikini top.

"Ahem" Said Gruber

Helga turned around looking embarrassed "Sorry I didn't realize….."

"Hubert, Rene leave Helga and me alone in peace" Said Herr Flick

"No really Otto we shouldn't be doing this in the spa with people around we should carry on later maybe in your room in wouldn't like to kick Hubert our of his bed and I heard from Edith that you have a double bed so maybe hat would be bed than my single" She said

"No that would not be fair on Von Smallhausen" Herr Flick "Why did you think of the Lt and not Von Smallhausen? ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?" He roared before storming off

"What the hell happened then?" Helga said meekly

Next day

Helga went to Umundi market when she saw a love potion for sale. "The perfect way to get back with Herr Flick" She thought before buying it. "Now what do I have to do?" It said to spit in the potion before putting it in the drink of the one you fancy. Yuk she thought. But I'll give it a go."

"Anyone like a bottle of beer?" she asked that evening

"Yes thanks, Here would you like me to give one to the others" Said Gruber

"Okay thanks you're a sweetie" She said

Quickly she gave a open bottle with the potion here's one for Herr Flick" she said but then to her horror he swigged it down, OMG she thought this is not good. But she kept a brave face and carried on

"Helga you look so damn sexy in that bikini!" Said Gruber "Bet what's underneath is even better!"

"Hubert look…" She tried to speak but he started to kiss her. He must be a good kisser because soon they were soon hard out pashing on a pool chair. Herr Flick who walked past was horrified to see his beloved all over the queer Lt Gruber from the tanks corp

"Helga what are you doing!" He said shocked

"Otto you ditched her, surely you must know that when a gorgeous girl like Helga is single again she is snapped up" Said Gruber taking a break from their kissing

Herr Flick stormed off in a temper and Gruber and Helga got back to their snogging.

That night they did all kinds of stuff in every surface of their hotel room and he proposed to her. Helga surprisingly accepted.

Next Day Gruber woke up to find himself and Helga wrapped together in his bed.

"Helga did we really do everything that I remember" He said Disgusted untangling himself "If so are we still getting married."

"Yes we did" said Helga "Well I'm still up for a marriage as everybody thinks that we are a couple"

"But I am gay so why would I make love with you and propose to you" said Gruber puzzled

She explained and he listened and surprisingly he found it hilarious.

"You are a strange girl Miss Helga Geerhart" He said

"Are we going to carry on like last night" She said hopefully

"Only kissing he said and not as hard out" He replied looking shocked at that fact that she enjoyed it.

That day they decided to all go horse riding except for the general and the colonel and the captain and Yvette and Mimi.

Herr Flick was still rather shocked about last evening and on the way to the horse trekking place he asked her about it. She just said we're getting married and he kept quite. When they arrived it was obvious who was the better riders Gruber was a great rider as well as Helga and surprisingly Edith, Rene was okay but the two Gestapo officers were terrible riders and when they got to a hill to gallop up Von Smallhausen's pony promptly started honing up the hill and he was clinging on for dear life, Helga starting galloping up and slowed his pony down whereas down at the bottom of the hill Gruber and Herr Flick were having a massive fight over a certain blond, German girl, Rene and Edith slowly cantered up the hill. When Herr Flick and Gruber began the ascent Herr Flick fell off and Gruber's horse reared but he stayed on. Helga dismounted her horse and ran down to where her ex was lying.

"Herr Flick are you alright?" She said worried

"Yes but I am sore." Came the reply a bit icily

"Here let me help me you up" She said and began to help him up

"No, Get off me!" He snapped

Helga stalked up the hill and mounted and made sure everyone was alright. Gruber couldn't stop laughing at Herr Flick and Rene was holding it back. Herr Flick limped up the hill in a choice and snatched the reins off a smug looking Helga.

"Be careful that is attached to a horse's mouth" She said warningly

Herr Flick just mounted and they headed back.

That evening everyone was sitting in the spa. Herr Flick was looking daggers at everyone. Von Smallhausen was talking to the captain. The General and the Colonel were having the girls sit on their knees, Rene was sitting and Edith was massaging his feet much to his disdain and Gruber was playing with Helga's hair while she sat on his knee and put her arms around his neck.

"Looka here whya don't wea playa game" said the captain

"Like what?" Said Edith

"I know!" cried Helga excitedly "let's play truth,dare kiss promise!"

"How do you play that" said the colonel looking eager

"Well someone goes in the middle and spins with his/her eyes closed and whoever he points at has do whatever the person in the middle says to do"

"What do you do if you don't do what they set you?" said the Captain

"Oh you have to French kiss the person of the middle person's choice"

"Okay seems straight forward" said Yvette

"If Yvette gets it then we all must" said Mimi smugly

"Now lets play, Herr Flick can be in the middle" Said Rene just before the girls had a fight

Herr Flick spun and it landed on the colonel

"Have you had sex with anyone since you left your wife to go to war?"

"I won't answer that" said the colonel going red

"Fine kiss Edith" came Herr Flick's reply

Both looked disgusted as they had to French kiss

The Colonel spun and it pointed to Gruber

"Who is the first person you kissed?" said a smug looking colonel

"That's easy my mother" said Gruber

"No I meant proper not just pecks" said the colonel

"But you didn't say that"

Gruber went in the middle and pointed to Von Smallhausen

"Jump in the cold pool"

He did that and came back and spun it and it landed on Helga

"Go and kiss Herr Flick"

Do you have to or you have to French kiss me"

She went kissed Herr Flick softly on the cheek

They carried on for a while longer and then the general had a brainwave

"I think I know how to get back!"

He told them and they decided to get back tomorrow

The Next day they put their clothes in a op shop and got back in their uniforms and went back to the ally in which they came and suddenly they were all back in the colonels office and Gruber and Helga got married.

Suddenly Helga woke up and realised it was only a dream. Oh what a shame she thought that was great fun.

The End