"The Great Cosmos...A world of mystery both tantalizing and terrifying...Not a
very well publicized world, you understand, but a glamerous and influential
"Bold, yet sensitive, and rugged to boot. Tolerant and compassionate with a
heart deeper than the oceans. Such is the Great Cosmos, and the King that rules
over it is marvelous to behold. Except for that one time that he destroyed all
the stars in the Universe. narrator laughs No big deal, really."
"Having come to and realized the folly of his ways, the wisest of Kings sent to
the planet Earth his beloved son, the Prince, and commanded him to make a
katamari of ample proportions."
"Tossed unceremoniously to Earth, the valiant Prince rolled the katamari
entrusted to him by the King, rolling up more things than you can count:
vaulting boxes, pencils, erasers, postcards, ramen, robots, cows, sheep, this
girl, that boy, moms and dads, bicycles, motorbikes, homes, buildings,
rainbows, clouds, islands, hopes and dreams."
"The Prince rolled them all up, rolled and rolled, until the katamari was big
enough to be lifted up to Space to replace the shiny stars that were so
grieviously lost. And that, my dear friends, was the plot and purpose of the
fabulous game called: Katamari Damacy!"
"Its popularity recognized no boundaries or borders and it rolled right out of
the game to bundle away the many and sundry ills that blight the modern world."
Yet the people became dependant on the almighty King of the Cosmos, demanding the aid of a katamari in even the most trivial affairs. Self conciousness, room cleaning, rose picking, rounding up cowbears for a farmer of cows and bears! This was hardly the work deemed worthy of the Prince of the Cosmos. He who had done all the footwork to put all the stars back in the sky! It was he, the prince, who had to clean some lazy boy's room for some stubborn mother? Indeed…
This story begins after one such chore for our beloved prince, as we find him sitting on a stool staring at his hands.
With a look of sheer horror and disgust, The Prince pulled a long coarse black hair off of his tiny arm. It had somehow gotten tangled onto him during his last roll up. Removing all the pubic hair from an aging prostitute in the Bronx. Vomit welled up inside of his stomach, but he swallowed it back when it came. Coughing his discontent, the poor prince began to rub his sore shoulders. So much work to always push the katamari…
Before even a moment's peace, he found himself in front of his father once more. "What's that?" the mighty king bellowed, "You want help to kill yourself?" Confused the prince looked towards the most recent begger for katamari intervention. He was a very typical looking teenage boy, maybe even extra typical. The most spectacularly different thing about him was that he seemed to have failed at dying his own hair with koolaid. "Yes!" he cried out, "I'm very depressed because I lost my iPod, and people don't like me." The King merely brushed him off, uninterested in the mortal's petty squabbles, until inevitably it came. Prince felt like screaming in agony as it came, as it always comes from these humans. "I bet you'd never lose anything!" the suicidal boy yelled out, "You could find anything!"
Once more our prince was helping some worthless individual do a simple task they could do themselves, taken to the obscene lengths of a katamari roll up. The boy's room was covered in LukewarmDiscussion posters of video games, faeries of the half naked sort, and of course bands. So many band posters that it looked like wall papering. As the king finally stopped rambling, the prince was off fighting the time limit. He let the king ramble to get a break from rolling, but he never missed his time limit. No one makes you feel like killing yourself for not overachieving quite like the king.
The sticky little ball of death came screaming down from the table, and began to roll over pills on the floor. Before he knew it, the prince's hands were covered in white residue from the dangerous little pills. As his suicide katamari grew, the prince began to pick up larger and more deadly instruments of manual removal from the genepool. Razorblades, bullets, hand guns, suicide cocktails, draino bottles, hundreds and hundreds of tear stained suicide notes. Finally the time ran out.
"And you see, that is how I used my magnificent right hand to please our Queen…Whats this?" he bellowed, "A katamari, from no where! We are so fabulous." After glancing it over he merely grunted. "Prince this is an okay death." He said meagerly, "So-so. If it were us, we would have done better. But we give it a B+ for the effort." The emo whimpered and said, "Well its okay, I kind of wanted my death to be a little more fantastic. I just need this one razor anyway. You can have this King!" With that the teenage boy slit down his wrists and died. "Really? We can have this? Score!" the king yelled in victory as he launched the death ball into the sky, "Oh look, a planet, isn't it scary? Human? Hmm…he stopped moving."
Yet the prince was already gone, back to his home for whatever rest he could manage. Well…rest wasn't truly on our prince's mind at all. He sat on his stool, staring in the mirror, with a razorblade to his wrists. Such an easy escape from father… a way to freedom… to be free of rolling these fucking katamari… The blade had made the first tiny cut when second-cousin Kinoko came wandering in. When the razor hit the floor, Kinoko was at the prince's side, holding a mushroom hand over the wound, sealing it with spores. If the prince is a silent one, Kinoko is the cousin with literally no lips.
Yet they embraced, comforting eachother in silence. Kinoko knew well of the Prince's troubles, but to take him to such extremes as suicide? From that moment on, the mushroom cousin always waited for Prince in the little house. Ready to calm him of his rage at his father, and listen to the horror stories of the moment's roll up. It was unsurprising that eventually they grew close, closer than cousins ought ever get.
It was of no surprise to the prince, that Kinoko's phallus was indeed a mushroom. Nor did it shock that it tasted of delightfully seasoned shitake mushrooms. Yet it was a complete shock that the semen was in fact, hallucinogenic. The Kinoko trips were things of beautiful half memories to the love ridden prince. He did some strange things indeed, never questioning the somewhat perverted tendancies of his cousin. None of it affected him, until he had to do a roll up.
"What is this!" the king bellowed, "An itsy bitsy 80,000m! How are we going to make the white man lose his shame in the presence of a black man with a mere 80,000m?" In the darkness the prince found himself battered with lasers. "We should of done it ourselves, we could only expect so much from you of all our relations." The king muttered, "Clearly a task better suited to cousin Itchigo, or maybe Kinoko, but oh not you!"
It was that moment that caused the prince to snap. With a broken spirit, and a homicidal streak, the prince began to roll. He rolled for days and days, kept awake by hatred and overdosing on NoSnore. Before he knew it he had a katamari of all the world, and with it he charged his father, overwhelming the king of the cosmos. His task completed, the king kicking his legs out of the side of the planet, the prince rolled them all straight into the white hole, a hole even the King knows nothing about.
Death was freedom.