"Let's see if I got this right," Sano frowned.
Kenshin nodded vehemently. "Sessha would never live it down if anyone learns about it. Can you imagine Saitoh's reaction if he ever knew? Or even Aoshi's?" Kenshin shuddered in horror.
Sano stared at him, "I'd never dream of the day you would ever ask me to solve a problem you can't handle, much less about such matter. Are you the Hitokiri Battousai or not? Just tell her that no man would ever wear a woman's clothes! This is too much! How can she insult your masculinity this way!"
Getting angrier by the minute, Sano stood up and went looking for Kaoru, intent on letting her know that it is the worst insult to any man to ever suggest they wear women's clothes.
Opening the door to Kaoru's room, Sano was prepared to battle Kaoru to the death to protect his friend's reputation. What he saw stunned him momentarily, for Kaoru had laid all her formal kimonos, hair accessories, make-ups, etc on the floor and was engaged in a deep discussion with Tae and Megumi on which items best suited Kenshin's complexion, coloring etc.
"…I still think Kenshin would look great in the red kimono," frowned Kaoru, obviously continuing with a previous argument.
"That's not saying much. Ken-san would look fabulous in anything, but the purple kimono with pink flowers would really make Ken-san's eyes stand out," argued Megumi.
"But it's so hard to find matching accessories to go with that kimono!" protested Kaoru.
"Don't worry about that, Kaoru-chan, I've brought some of my accessories here. We can go through them and pick those that would complement Himura," consoled Tae. "Look at this one for example." Tae picked one up for inspection.
As the girls examined the chosen hairpiece, Sano felt it was time to speak up before things went too far. Pink? Flowers? And hairpins?!? This is getting out of hand.
"Look here, gals. You can't be serious. Kenshin is a 28 year old MAN. You can't seriously expect him to doll up in women's clothes, hairpins, make-up and what-nots. He's the legendary Hitokiri Battousai for goodness sake! He's the man among the men. How can you even joke about such matters?!? This is an insult to all the men in Japan!"
The girls, having not noticed him, gave a startled jump before Kaoru turned to admonish him.
"Really Sano, the least you could do is to give us warning before startling us like that! We girls are very sensitive, you know."
"Not sensitive enough." replied Sano grimly. "How can you expect Kenshin to wear women's clothes? Have you ever spared a thought for his feelings? He won't be able to face anyone after that! And you Kitsune! How can you go along with this ridiculous idea?"
"Well really, Roosterhead, you are making too much out of it. I don't hear Ken-san making any objections, do you?" Megumi tossed her hair back with an indifferent air.
"Yes I did, which is why I'm here. Look here Jou-chan, Kenshin does NOT want to wear women's clothes. Get that? He does NOT want to wear the kimonos, so I suggest you'd better worry about dolling yourself up first and leave him out of your plans." Sano told them.
"Well, he can tell us himself if he doesn't wear them, and we can talk from there," Megumi answered.
"Alright. Kenshin, YOU tell THEM." Sano pushed Kenshin, who was cowering behind him, into the room.
Caught between Sano and the girls, Kenshin was about to stammer an explanation when his eyes fell on all the make-ups and accessories on the floor for the first time (Sano's tall form, enhanced so by his gravity defying hair, had obstructed Kenshin's view, hence he was blissfully unaware of it). He was stunned into shocked silence at the sight. Make-up? Earrings? Does Kaoru-dono really expect him to go through all that?!? This is beyond Kenshin's limit, and with a soft "oro" he went into a dead faint of blissful oblivion brought upon by shocked horror.
"There! See? Kenshin does not mind! Now bring him out of here so that we can make our selections in peace. We'll tell you when we are ready." Kaoru turned back to examining the accessories with no further thought.
Sano could only look on in helpless fury as the girls ignored him and continued their selection. Picking Kenshin up, he left the room in disgust.
"Oh, one other thing. You'd better not hide him away when we are ready, or else…." Kaoru threatened Sano menacingly.
"Or else what? What can you do to me?" Sano shot back in disdain.
"I can refuse to feed you for the rest of your entire life! That's what!" Kaoru yelled back.
Defeated, Sano could only snort, but he dumped Kenshin unceremoniously in his own room, where the girls can find him.
"…and so the girls are now in his room dolling him up," Sano ended. Yahiko had came back late and had met Sano prowling the hallway in fury. Sano had then proceeded to explain the entire situation to the disbelieving Yahiko, who is now white with horrified fury at the thought of Kaoru dressing his idol in women's clothes.
"No way! Why are you still here?!? You should doing something about it!" accused Yahiko.
"I tried, but that baka fainted on me! What can I do?" shot back Sano.
"The most feared assassin in Japan who took on Shishio Makoto and Enshi without flinching fainted before a bunch of girls?!?" questioned Yahiko incredulously.
"You can't really blame him, Yahiko. I would faint too, if I had to face the kimonos, make-ups, hairpins, earrings, and whatever I failed to notice." Sano defended Kenshin grudgingly.
"Earrings?" repeated Yahiko faintly. Then he shook his head more firmly, "No way. We can't let this happen. Why, the entire half of the population in this world would protest against this indignity. We must do something."
"I have a plan, but it involves great sacrifice on our part." warned Sano.
"What sacrifice? What's your plan?" Yahiko questioned suspiciously. The Roosterhead's ideas always involve something ridiculous and for some reason never really work.
"Look. One reason why all the girls are so enthusiastic about this is because pretty boy over there would really look good in a kimono right? I can almost see their point. Kenshin is prettier than most women and, if dressed up, can outmatch almost all of them. If we insist on going along, dressed in women's clothes as well since we also don't have any decent clothes, I can guarantee they will drop the idea immediately." Sano explained.
There was a loud 'thud' as Yahiko's jaws hit the floor. What? Him, Tokyo Samurai dressed in kimono? And Sano?!? Real bad idea. And he proceeded to tell Sano so eloquently in all the insults and curses he knows.
"Look, that's precisely my point. We'd be a real terror dressed in kimonos, right? But if we deliver this as an ultimatum, that the only way they can drag Kenshin to that party dressed in kimono is if we do the same, then they will drop the idea before you can open that big mouth of yours. No one would want to be caught dead with us dressed in kimonos." Sano interrupted Yahiko before he can run through his entire dictionary of insults and curses.
Yahiko paused in his tirade, and had to admit that Sano has a point there. Heck, even he would rather die than be seen with Sano dressed in kimono. But to dress up in a kimono… Yahiko shuddered.
Sensing Yahiko's dilemma, Sano immediately picked him up and started running out of the dojo without giving Yahiko a chance to object. "We'd better hurry up. You can borrow a kimono from Tsubame, and I have a friend who will lend me her kimono. We'd have to be dressed and back within an hour, that's when they are leaving."
Returning with the borrowed kimonos in hand (they could not gather the courage to wear the kimonos, try as they might) they burst into Kenshin's room, and were greeted by a scream from Kenshin.
"No! Please! I promise to do anything but that! Help! Shisho!" Kenshin was struggling against Kaoru and Tae who held him down while Megumi was bent over him.
Fearing the worst, Yahiko and Sano forced their way over and stopped them by standing protectively in front of… a talking Japanese doll?!?
Life size, the doll was as big as Kaoru, in fact, slightly bigger. Its hair was piled up in a simple but beautiful manner, held in place by 2 combs with a hairpin sticking in. Its face was flawless and in fact, looked as if it had been coated with white paint. Which it probably was, considering it's a doll. The lips had been painted a flaming red which matched its hair. And the purple kimono was a match to the violet eyes.
Wait a minute. Red hair and purple eyes??? Kenshin?!? Sano's jaws met the floor in a rough fall and stayed there. He knew that Kenshin would look stunning but this beautiful delicate doll? No way!
At this moment the doll spoke up miserably, "Sessha think you better pick up your jaw, Sano. Your saliva is flowing onto the floor and forming a puddle, and no one will be cleaning that except yourself. Besides, it would give the room a stink and sessha will be sleeping here, so if you would please…"
"Arggh! Stop that! Please! Don't let that beautiful delicate doll talk like Kenshin!" screamed Sano in horror.
Kenshin flushed red in embarrassment. Beautiful delicate doll? Kenshin heaved an inward sigh before replying.
"Gomen ne, but sessha can't help this appearance. Although pleasing to the eye, you have no idea what hell sessha had to undergo…. and sessha would appreciate it greatly if you could ask Kaoru-dono not to pierce my ears."
"Honestly Kenshin! As if I'd listen to the Roosterhead. Besides, what's wrong with wearing the earrings? I think you'd look even more feminine with it!" persuaded Kaoru.
"That's what's wrong. Looking feminine. Sessha will promise you ANYTHING if you'd promise to let me off the hook." Kenshin sniffed, obviously very close to tears. In fact, upon closer inspection, the tears are already forming and it was only the legendary iron-will and self-discipline of the Hitokiri Battousdai that's stopping them from flowing.
Kaoru frowned, "Anything?"
"Yes! Anything! Just name it!" seeing a chance, Kenshin reassured Kaoru fervently.
"But you really look beautiful like this…" Kaoru was obviously torn.
"Please! Kaoru-dono! Sessha has never begged anyone besides Shisho, but I'm begging now! Please!" Kenshin knelt on the floor and begged Kaoru.
"This is absolutely a crime. A beautiful delicate doll on its knees begging a busu for mercy…if Saitoh is here, he'd surely Aku. Soku. Zan. this image" whispered Yahiko weakly.
Once again Kenshin flushed, "Sessha would appreciate it greatly if everyone would stop referring to me as a doll, beautiful, delicate or otherwise. And for anyone who can't hear that, hopefully they'll be able to hear me reminding them that this beautiful delicate doll happens to be the Hitokiri Battousai."
With this threat, Sano and Yahiko fell silent. Not for long though. Finally remembering why they're here, they urgently showed the kimonos and delivered the ultimatum.
"Either you leave Kenshin alone or we'll dress up in these kimonos and follow you as well." threatened Sano, echoed weakly by Yahiko.
The image of Sano and Yahiko dressed in kimonos appeared in the girls' mind.
*Author's note: Please wait while author tries to imagine as well.*
*Author's note: Please wait while author tries to control her hysterical laughter, and for anyone who doesn't find it funny, try to imagine it harder*
Collapsing in helpless giggles, the girls clutched one another and laughed till tears came and joined Sano's puddle of saliva on the floor. Even Kenshin could not control his laughter. Legendary iron-will and self-discipline conceding defeat to ridicule.
"Yahiko, why are we subjecting ourselves to this?" Sano asked.
"Because we wanted to spare a baka from a fate worse than death, but that baka is definitely not appreciating it," replied Yahiko in an injured tone.
Kenshin immediately stopped
laughing, ridicule in turn conceding defeat to remorse. Sitting up to
apologize, he came to the conclusion:
If we say:
(Legendary iron-will + self-discipline) = A
Ridicule = B
Remorse = C
C B A = C A = I should not be laughing.
Then he caught sight of the flowery kimonos in their hand and came up with the following conclusion:
Further to Hypothesis 1, if we also say that:
(Image if flowery kimonos + 2 ruffians with gravity-defying hair) = D
D C B A = D C
Hence conclusion is: I have to laugh.
And Kenshin promptly collapsed in helpless gales of laughter.
Watching Kenshin and the girls rolling about in laughter, Sano and Yahiko came to the following conclusion:
If we say:
Legendary Battousai = A
Friendship = B
And since we are friends with Battousai despite him being Battousai, then:
And since friendship means helping one another, then:
Helping friends = B
And if we say that:
Friend not appreciating help = C
And since friend who do not appreciate help results in anger which results in beating friend, then:
Anger = Beating friend = C
And we have:
C B A = C A
Hence they came to the conclusion: Beat him, anger being greater than Battousai.
As they fell upon the still-laughing Kenshin, raising their arms to punch him, the image of Kenshin in his present stage stopped him. Dressed in kimono with make-up, accessories etc, and with tears coursing down his cheek (from laughing too hard) the image he projected was one of a beautiful fragile lady. Sano and Yahiko, despite knowing him for who he is and despite anger, found that they could not bear to raise their hands against this perfect image of beauty. Sighing they lowered their arms and came to the final conclusion:
Further to hypothesis 3, if we also say that:
Beauty = D
And since the beautiful image render them incapable of beating Kenshin, then
And so we have:
D C B A = D A
And the final conclusion is: Beauty is stronger than Legendary Battousai.
Author's note: yah, I was
indefinitely bored. My boss is away and I have nothing to do, hence this piece
of ridiculous fanfic. It's ok, you can flame me at email@example.com if you really
find it that bad. Would normally ask for R&R, but seeing this ridiculous
and silly piece…. Oh well, I'm prepared to accept flames anyway, so please