Rumor Has It
Rating: T for profanity, sexual references
Characters: Scott, Jubilee
Summary: Always get your news from a credible source. Ask Scott why.
All standard disclaimers apply. Don't own 'em, am making no money off 'em, and I refuse to acknowledge X3. Thanks to the members of the LJ community "Little Details," who gave me tips on teenspeak. This one's for Rachel martin64, for a) being the world's best beta; b) getting me interested in Jubilee; and c) telling me about Little Details, then contacting them for me.
Rumor Has It
"Mr. Summers," Jubilee said, "I am, like, so totally the victim here."
"Right," Mr. Summers said, settling into his chair behind his desk.
"I know why I'm here," she continued, popping her gum. "It's the same old stuff, dude: You call me in here, give me that look that makes me totally understand why people, like, confess to crimes they didn't commit – yeah, you're doing it now, that's totally the one – and then I crack. But this time, I'm tellin' you, it's not my fault. I'm totally the wronged party here."
"OK, OK, just for the record – I did NOT tell everyone you worked your way through college as a stripper, all right?" Jubilee said virtuously. "That, like, got totally taken out of context. In English class we're always talking about context, and how, like, it's totally important, and it totally is! You should be proud of me! Here I am, taking something utterly useless from a class I hate – but, like, don't tell the prof, OK? I mean, he's a telepath and all so he probably knows, but – "
"Miss Lee – "
"OK, right," Jubilee said. "Where was I? Context. Right. So I totally did not tell those girls you were a stripper. All I said is that you COULD be one. Which is totally different, you know? So I, like, tell these girls at the mall that, because it's totally true – here at school, all the girls think you're hot, even if Wolvie says you're a dick and everyone thinks Dr. Grey's a total MILF – "
"You know, like Stiffler's mom."
"When did we enroll a student named Stiffler?"
Jubilee rolled her eyes. " 'AMERICAN PIE,' Mr. Summers! C'mon! Where was I? Oh, right. And I don't know why that pisses Logan off so much because everyone knows it's totally cool now, Ashton and Demi have been together like, forever – and those girls go and take it TOTALLY wrong and tell all THEIR friends at THEIR school, and that's why everyone at Mary Immaculate, including the nuns, think you moonlight as a stripper, and if you ask me they're all snobs, and who cares if they don't want you to coach the girls soccer team anymore, anyway."
"Oh," Mr. Summers said woodenly. "That."
"And, like, it's totally not something you should be ashamed of!" Jubilee cried. "Really, it makes you look good."
"Sure," Mr. Summers said, pressing the heel of one hand to his forehead.
"Because people wouldn't believe it if you weren't hot, you know?" Jubilee said earnestly. "So really, you should be HAPPY about all this."
"Oh, I'm ecstatic."
"Right!" Jubilee said. "And y'know, when me and Kitty and Rogue saw those girls at the mall, we were totally gonna show them your picture to prove you're hot, but Wolvie decides to get all prissy on us – who woulda seen that coming, right? – and he absolutely refused to use my camera phone to take your picture in the locker room when you weren't looking."
"A camera phone," Mr. Summers said numbly.
"Right," Jubilee said. "And I know Wolvie's not exactly Mr.Techno, but we were gonna show him how to use it and everything. But he starts making those sputtering noises and carrying on – dude has major drama queen issues, if you ask me – so we didn't get to do that. So instead we just pointed you out to them in the mall, and they used THEIR camera phones to take pictures, even if they weren't as good as the pictures WE wanted to take, because you've got all your clothes on, and that's why you're on Facebook as a dude they'd do."
"Uh-huh," Mr. Summers said. He opened a desk drawer and took out a bottle of aspirin.
"So you can totally see I'm the victim here," Jubliee said. "Stuff gets totally taken out of context, and who gets the blame? ME! It's always me! It's just like that S&M thing."
"That S&M thing," Mr. Summers said faintly. H popped the cap off the bottle and swallowed a couple of pills dry.
"You know, Wolvie's always saying you're whipped," Jubilee said, "which I think is really kind of sweet, y'know. Not that he says it, y'know, but that you are. Everyone knows how much you love Dr. Grey and all, and I don't think it makes you any less a man, even if Wolvie says you're a wuss. But SOMEONE heard someone else talking about you being whipped, and y'know, between that and the leather suits, which I think are hot, by the way, and somehow someone with a really, really warped mind started the rumor that you and Dr. Grey are into S&M."
"S&M," Mr. Summers repeated, rubbing his temples fiercely.
"Right," Jubilee said. "And that you guys do some show in the Village. Which is totally cool with me, y'know, since you're consenting adults and all." She leaned across the desk and studied her teacher worriedly. "But you have to be CONSENTING, you know. Mr. Summers, just because you love her doesn't mean you have to let her – "
"Miss Lee," Mr. Summers said in a strangled tone.
"OK, right," Jubilee said. "Totally none of my business. I understand. It's just that you seem to like pain. Why else would you eat Dr. Grey's cooking? Especially after that time she tried to kill you with the chicken? Everyone said it was food poisoning, but y'know, SHE ate it and she was just fine. Even the DOG won't eat her food, and he eats everything. You don't have to – "
"That's enough, Jubilation," Mr. Summers snapped.
"Well, dude, OK," Jubilee said resentfully, slumping back into her seat and crossing her arms. "I'm just telling you to be careful, y'know? It's not like you don't have options, y'know? Rogue says the only reason she's taking trig is to watch your ass when you turn around to write on the board. That's why we all take trig, because let's face it, your subject is, like, totally useless. You'd have to be a total freak to care about it. No offense."
"Gee," Mr. Summers said, "I don't know why you'd think I'd be offended."
"And, y'know, if you're all hung up on that teacher-student thing, you still have options," Jubilee said earnestly. "I heard Dr. Grey say Wolvie's obsessed with your ass, which is totally true, he's like, always referring to it – 'Don't listen to that tightASS, he's got a stick up his ASS – ' "
"I've noticed, thank you," Mr. Summers snapped.
"Well, I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to experiment – "
"Jubilation Lee," Mr. Summers ground out from between his teeth, "first of all, none of this is any of your business whatsoever. Second, shame on you for concluding it is. Third, the day I 'experiment' with that walking carpet —"
"Chewbacca!" Jubilee crowed. "I get that! 'Star Wars!' Y'know, the really old ones, like, when you were a kid, with Luke and all, they were good, but anyone can tell you that the Ewoks were so totally about marketing, they were almost as annoying as that stupid Jar Jar, and I just think – "
"Off track, gotcha," Jubilee said, nodding wisely. "Well, listen, it's just as good you see it that way, because, y'know, anyone can see you and Wolvie wouldn't last, you know? A fling, sure, maybe, but long term? I say go with Mr. Worthington." Jubilee peered anxiously at her teacher. "Mr. Summers, you need some water? You're not gonna choke, right? Well, good, because I was totally not paying attention in that whole Heimlich maneuver thing Dr. Grey tried to teach us way back when. If you ask me, that whole thing was just an excuse for John to try to grope me, which is why I had to kick him so hard, and y'know, it's really amazing the sounds guys make when you kick them there, y'know? Like, louder than Siryn! But anyway. I'm just saying -- you and Mr. Worthington have been friends a long time, and I think you'd be, like, a really cute couple, you know? And if the two of you could have babies together, they'd be, like, just gorgeous. All us girls would baby-sit for you any time."
"How kind of you to offer," Mr. Summers said dryly.
"Well, I'm real good with babies," Jubilee said loftily. "I just don't show it that much. It's like Wolvie always being careful not to let anyone know he's a marshmallow, you know?"
"A marshmallow," Mr. Summers repeated in a wondering tone.
"Dude, he totally is. You know he is. You know how he makes like he can't stand Dr. Grey's beagle? He's all, 'Get that damn dog away from me'? But then he freaks out when we watch Animal Planet because he thinks it'll scare Darwin. We're all, 'Dude, this is the dog that eats rocks and runs into walls, and you think he's upset by 'Emergency Vets'?' We're like, 'You think he'll point out mistakes or what?' and Wolvie's all, 'You ain't showing him hurt dogs and dog getting needles, what the hell is the matter with you, blah blah blah.' And the dog's just sitting there eating popcorn – which gives him really bad gas, by the way, we had to air out the rec room good before you and Dr. Grey got back from wherever, y'know, that might have been the night the S&M thing got started, I'm not sure – and Wolvie's all growly, you know the way he gets, and he picks up Darwin and stomps out to make them both some bacon, and if you ask me, Wolvie should totally not be calling you whipped, because he's, like, totally whipped on that dog, even if he does have fits when Dr. Grey calls him 'Uncle Logan,' which I think is so cute and all." She paused for breath.
"And y'know, if you and Wolvie ever DID get together, he'd be, like, such a good stepfather for Darwin, and let's be real, you totally know Dr. Grey would rather see you with Logan than with Ms. Frost – I mean, really, she'd rather see you get with MAGNETO instead of Ms. Frost, and God, isn't that a totally gross thought, though, I mean, c'mon, it's INCEST, sorta – I mean if something happened to her. To Dr. Grey, that is. Not that it's GONNA, but if it DID, you know she hates Ms. Frost and Ms. Frost hates her, and Wolvie says it's disgusting that they'd fight over your stuck-up ass – and, like, there's another example of him being obsessed – and anyway, one of these days you just know Dr. Grey and Ms. Frost are gonna start – Mr. Summers? Mr. Summers? Y'know, I'm no expert, but won't your glasses, like, crack, if you keep doing that? Hitting your head on the desk like that can't be good for your glasses, you know? And if you, like, blow up the house with your eyebeams, I am so totally not getting in trouble over it, Mr. Summers, because, like I said, I'm the victim here. All, right, dude, fine, I'm going back to class, and if Ms. Munroe gives me a hard time for being late, I'm gonna tell her to talk to you, because I'm the victim here! So totally the victim!" She flounced out.
Scott's head was still on his desk 15 minutes later when Jean dropped by, though he had stopped whimpering.
"Honey?" Jean asked, concerned. "Something wrong? Did you talk to Jubilee? Did you find out who flooded the girls' bathroom?"
"Yes, I spoke to her, and no, I didn't find out about the bathroom," Scott said faintly. "I got a little distracted."
"You, distracted?" Jean said in disbelief. "What could possibly have happened?"
"Remember how I went to that statewide education conference in White Plains, and I told you a bunch of nuns were giving me funny looks? And you said I was being paranoid?" Scott raised his head and gave his fiancee a dark look. "Sit down, dear, and close the door. I have something to tell you. Several things."