A/N- There are spoilers for New Moon. So if you haven't read it, and don't want to be spoiled, do NOT read this. You've been warned :)
I know I shouldn't be doing this. If he wanted to be my friend, he would have called.
And the fact that he told me he didn't want to be should be enough to stop me. But I just can't allow this to continue.
I stared at the box on the table anticipating his reaction if I were to just show up.
Screaming, shaking… I cringed at the thought.
I just can't let this end so horribly. I don't want it to end at all. That's why I need to see him. He needs to understand. The thought that he could hate me for something I wanted so desperately brought back that familiar sinking feeling.
"Just do it! Just get in the damn truck and drive over." I took a deep breath and grabbed the box, my bag, and rushed out the door. I threw myself into my truck and jumped slightly as it roared to life. I'd realized it'd been a while since I'd driven myself anywhere. Since Edward's come back, I've been spending most of my free time being chauffeured around.
I sighed as I pulled out of the driveway and turned onto the road.
I can't make myself think he wouldn't approve. He wanted me to be happy, and despite the fact that I was constantly blissful whenever I even thought of Edward, there was still a nagging little voice in the back of my head that told me I needed Jacob Black in my life.
I groaned inwardly. Even if Edward didn't say it, I knew my constant muttering bothered him to no end.
'Why can't he just accept it? Why is he being so…so… obnoxious! Ugh! Why should my wanting to be a vampire piss him off so much! Why can't he just accept me like I accepted him!'
I'm horrible. I know. I should be able to control my mouth, and keep my thoughts in my head, where they would be safe, and unheard.
After every single conversation (if you can call me rambling angrily while Edward idly flipped through the radio stations a conversation.) I'd hear him heave a sigh, bringing me back to reality feeling utterly awful.
Yet I'd continue doing it, time after time.
I don't know why that is.
It's probably because I'm a terrible person. But I figure that it's at least a good thing that I could admit it, right? That had to mean something in someway, didn't it?
No. No it didn't.
It was a brief relief when I'd pulled up in front of the Black's small, boxy house. That relief melted into anxiety when I saw Jacob bend through the doorway.
The boy had grown yet again, and I knew if I were to take a single step out of the shelter of my truck, I'd feel like a pale smurf standing before Gargamel.
Only a more handsome Gargamel… with darker skin, and no bald spot.
Nevermind, forget the entire comparison.
I took a deep breath and stared at him, waiting for him to make the first move. He didn't, unless you count folding his arms and glaring a move.
"Why does he have to be so obnoxious?" I clucked my tongue angrily, muttering to myself.
There I go again. At least Edward doesn't have to hear it this time.
I grabbed the box from the passenger seat, leaving my bag, and slipped out of the safety of my cab to the cold, damp outside world. I landed with a squish in a soggy puddle of mud. Cursing silently I shook my feet and glared back at Jacob who was looking away casually, though I saw him struggling against the smile tugging at his lips.
I scowled and trudged over to him. "It's not funny." I grumbled, but he said nothing, though he'd turned his attention back to me.
His eyes flickered down to the box under my arms before returning once again to my face.
"Oh, right." I cleared my throat and shoved the box at him. "I hope I got the right size…" I murmured slightly awkwardly, as he was just staring at me, his angry stance melting into confusion.
"Well I figure the last pair was my fault, and Jared said Billy couldn't afford another pair and well I don't want you walking around barefoot because of me." It all came out in a rushed slur. I opened my mouth to say it once more, slowly.
"You think you can just bribe me into changing my mind about the Cullens?" He narrowed his eyes.
I sighed, though I noted his use of their proper name.
Of course he'd have understood what I said. After spending so much time apart, I'd almost forgotten how connected we are. I could be speaking gibberish and he would have got it in a snap.
"Yes, Jacob, I'm bribing you with shoes." I rolled my eyes. "Come on, you know that's not it." I paused and looked up at him, making my eyes as desperate as I could. "I just want to talk. Please." I allowed a hint of whine into my voice.
His dark eyes seemed to melt, and he looked away trying to hide them. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, and stepped to the side, clearing the doorway, silently allowing me inside.
As I stumbled up the stairs, I noticed his arms twitch slightly. Not the normal trembling of when he lost his temper and was about to explode into the wolf, but more like he was going to steady me, so I wouldn't kill myself on my trip up the long set of three stairs, but changed his mind.
I sighed and sat myself on the ratty couch. He closed the door and stood in the corner, staring down at the shoebox.
I watched him intently, noting his normally bright face seemed pale and tired looking. It appeared like he hadn't slept in days from the look of the dark rings under his eyes, similar to those of Edward's.
It seemed ironic to me that the Quileute werewolves and the Cullens were such enemies, being that they had so many similarities.
"You look tired." I stated in a soft voice. He shifted uneasily and continued to avoid my gaze. I sighed. "You know, you two are more alike than you know. Both stubborn as mules."
He tensed suddenly, flashing a look at me for the comparison, no doubt. That wouldn't stop me. I could be stubborn too. I'd sit here as long as it took for him to understand. But for now, I'll let that subject drop. Despite the tense mood in the room, I was so relieved to see him; I didn't want him to kick me out.
I cleared my throat. "So are they your size?" I asked casually looking down at the new pair of sneakers I'd bought him. He looked down at them, as if he'd forgotten they were there until this moment. He opened the box and looked at the white and gray pair of running shoes, a smile flashed across his face before he'd had a chance to conceal it.
"Yeah, they are!" He seemed to be excited over this, and I couldn't help but smile hugely. I'd missed his excitable personality so much.
His dark eyes met mine and he froze, as if he just noticed how happy he'd become. He looked away quickly, furrowing his brow, and tossing the box onto the small end table beside the couch.
I continued to watch him, my smile softening. "Jacob, I miss you." I looked down at my lap, twisting my hands as I felt a warm flush grow on my face. I wasn't sure if that was acceptable with us anymore.
There was silence. I peeked up, slightly nervous to see his reaction. He was just watching me intently as I had been watching him before.
I went on.
"I really do. I don't understand why it has to be this way." I noticed that I began to sound slightly frantic.
"How can you want to be like them!" He growled, trembling slightly. I tried to calm my voice before I spoke again.
"It's my choice! How can you hate me for something I need to do?" My voice was more high-pitched than I'd hoped for.
"Something you need to do." He scoffed. The trembling increased.
"Careful, Bella, don't push him." There was the velvet voice I'd become so use to over the past months. I was slightly surprised. I hadn't heard it since Edward had come back. I'd thought now that I had the real thing, the hallucinations would have ceased.
"Jacob, please calm down. I didn't come here to fight with you." I gently pleaded. I really didn't want to fight with him. Though maybe I deserved to be scolded. After everything I put him through, basically since the day I met him, I would hate me too. It was only logical that he should be angry with me. And I should be angry with him as well, but I simply couldn't be. And I didn't know why.
Simple as that.
Alright, so that's far from simple. I suppose nothing in my life has been logical since I've arrived at Forks. My life has been more like a horror movie, and I was the star, smack dab in the middle. Or maybe I was just an extra, not of any real importance, and only there to fill up space.
"What did you think would happen?" he snapped suddenly, folding his arms, attempting to hide the trembling.
"Bella, stop this right now."
I ignored my smooth voiced hallucination and went on.
"I want things to be like they were. When we were friends. Please, Jake, cant you just…" I didn't even know what I was asking of him, but I was becoming desperate.
"You wanted me to just forget the treaty and be friends with your bloodsuckers?" He spat incredulously.
No more proper names then. Alright…
"That's not what I meant! I just… I need you Jacob." I stared down at my hands, aware that my eyes were brimming with tears suddenly.
"You have him now." He tried to sound angry, but his voice was beginning to sound as desperate as mine. "What do you need me for?"
"Why do I have to choose?" I begged as I tried to subtly brush the tears from my cheeks.
"You can't have both of us. You have to decide, Bella. Who do you need more? Me, or him?" We locked eyes, his were pleading for an answer I couldn't give.
I stared up at him hoplessly. "Jacob, I…"
"Forget it." He growled and turned swiftly, almost gracefully for someone his size, and pulled the door open, storming outside.
I wiped at my tear-stained cheeks quickly, and jumped up to follow him into the rain that must have started while I was inside. Good, he wouldn't be able to see how hard I was crying.
"Don't you dare just walk away from me, Jacob!" I shouted before I really thought about it.
"It's over, Bella! Just give it up already!" He called back, still walking away at a quick pace.
I had to run to catch him, and risked slipping several times in the mud, but somehow managed to reach him. I grabbed his dark arm and yanked him back with all of my strength, which honestly wasn't much, but he turned suddenly, towering over me.
"You think just because you say it's over, it is? I should have a say in this too!" I shout over the loud rain that pelted against me, almost painfully. But it hid my tears, and for that I was grateful.
"You had your say! And you chose them!" He shot back, before turning his head away, possibly to hide the fact that his eyes seemed to be getting red.
Was he crying?
"So because I want to be with my boyfriend, that means we cant be friends?"
"To put it simply." His voice was lower now, and I had trouble hearing him over the rain.
I stared up at him for a moment, slightly breathless from the cold, and screaming so loudly. "It doesn't have to be like this. You're letting yourself be ruled by a treaty your ancestors made that said the Cullens were bad so they couldn't hunt on your land, and they couldn't bite or kill someone!" I paused briefly; I still wasn't use to that information myself. "Where does it say you have to hate each other?"
He still cast his eyes away, saying nothing.
I growled and took his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. "They haven't done anything wrong! So why do you feel the need to hate them?"
"It doesn't matter!" He tried to pull his face away, but I clung on desperately.
"It doesn't matter?" I shout incredulously. "If it doesn't matter then why can't you just give them a chance?" My face melted into pain. "Because it matters to me, more than anything. Please, just do this… for me."
He stared down at me. From the way I held his face, he was forced into a bent position that slightly sheltered me, but caused the rain to roll off his face like tears.
Perhaps they were tears. My insides sank slightly as I freed his face. I never wanted to make him cry. I didn't want to ever cause him to feel the pain that I felt.
"I can't." He finally spoke, in a low, defeated voice. "I'm sorry. Maybe you're right, maybe the Cullens are fine." He looked away. "But I just can't deal with the fact that that… leech," he spat the word as if it were poison. "The same leech who hurt you so badly, is rewarded for what he did! That he gets to touch you, to hold you… to kiss you. All while I was the one who helped you! Who pieced you back together after he left, only so I could be cast aside the minute he got himself in trouble!" He looked down at me with a tormented face. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, I really am. But I can't."
I stared up at him with blurry, tear filled eyes. "Jake—"
"I imagine this must be how you felt when he was gone. I never thought I would really know how much you hurt then, but I do. It really sucks." He tried to smile but it turned into a grimace instead. "But you're with the one you… love," he struggled at the word. "You can be happy now. And I'd go through endless pain if it meant you could be happy."
It was useless to try to hold back tears. I broke into heavy sobs as I was brought back to the memory of those months without Edward. It was worse than pain, it was emptiness. Death would have been a blessing, just to be relieved from such a feeling of nothingness. And then there was Jacob. He made me feel like living wasn't such a horrible thought. That I could survive, despite Edward's absence.
And now I was making him feel that very same emptiness, and I couldn't be the one to make him whole again. I was useless, and I probably only made things worse for him by coming here today.
Would walking out of his life make anything better? Wasn't that what Edward believed when he left me?
It was hard to believe that I could have the same effect on anyone that Edward had on me.
I wasn't that important. I shouldn't have that much power over someone. Especially someone like Jacob.
He turned away abruptly and gave a false laugh. "I'm sorry, I'm making you feel worse. I should have just let you stay angry with me." His voice was drained.
Though being angry was so much easier, I didn't voice that thought. But I didn't think disagreeing would be any better. Telling him I could never be angry with him, and that he would always be my best friend whom I would always love, would only make things harder for him.
I didn't want that.
So I remained silent.
"I should go. The pack was expecting me a while ago…" He broke the silence, without turning back to face me.
I wiped at my eyes, a useless gesture, for the tears were still pouring out like the rain falling from the sky, endlessly.
"Goodbye, Bella." His voice was final as he walked swiftly towards the woods without a glance behind. He soon disappeared in the trees.
I ran to my truck, climbing inside. My body shook dangerously from the cold and my violent sobs.
I didn't attempt to drive home just yet. Doing so would guarantee a crash. So I sat outside his house, weeping like a child, until I cried out all of my tears.
When I did reach home, I was relieved to see that Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the driveway.
Instead there sat a yellow Porsche 911 in his spot. I managed to park before Alice was at the side of my truck, opening my door. I collapsed into her arms weakly. Dry sobs started up again as she shushed and stroked my hair reassuringly.
Nothing was going to be the same now. I'd effected all these lives so greatly without wanting, or meaning to.
If I'd never come to this town, if I just stayed in Phoenix like my mother begged, everyone's life would never had taken such a horrible turn. Edward and his family would never have had to risk their lives to save me numerous times. Jacob could still be the happy kid he'd been before I met him. And Charlie could have been saved from ever having been hurt by me and my thoughtless, reckless actions.
But the selfish part of me couldn't regret coming here. Edward, Alice, all the Cullens are like my family, and I love each and every one of them. And despite my tactless actions, Edward would constantly inform me just how happy Charlie would be whenever I simply smiled.
And Jacob helped me understand that, even in hopeless times, there will always be a reason to keep going, to never stop trying, and that even when it felt like I was completely alone in the world, there was always someone who understood, and who could give me light, when I felt like I was drowning in endless darkness.
How I needed that light right now.
Disclaimer- Bella, Jacob, Edward, and Alice all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
A/N- For anyone wondering, Alice had a vision of Bella sitting in her truck crying, that's why she came over, 'cause she's a great friend who wanted to be there for Bella in her time of need.
I know this is so full of angst but I was in an angsty mood. I had the idea of Bella coming over with a pair of shoes for Jake in my mind, because she felt bad about the night she left for Italy how the last thing she saw was Jacob's shredded shoe.
I thought "Screaming Desperation" would be a good title, being that I wayyyy overused the word "desperate" and well, you know the rest ;)