Title: Better Than Me
Category: TV Shows » Veronica Mars
Author: And The Moment's Gone
Language: English, Rating: Rated: K+
Originally Published: 09-18-06,
Warnings/Spoilers: Season 2 premiere folks, That's it! Nothing past "Normal is the Watchword."
Official Disclaimer: All Veronica Mars characters and plots belong to Rob Thomas and the CW. I do not hold stock either the man or the company. Veronica Mars, Logan Echolls, and any other character featured are NOT mine.
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this:
You deserve much better than me.
Better Than Me
"I'm gonna miss you."
You have no idea why you said that.
More over why you said it to her when she was attached at the hand to her boyfriend. Or is he your best friend? No - definitely not that. You two haven't really been close since he skipped town.
He's definitely her boyfriend.
Which hurts worse for some unimaginable reason.
You don't think about why you're not getting on the bus. After all, you did spend half an hour getting in touch with your sister's assistant to have her fax the permission slip in. The office took that as good enough. After all, when you're dad's being tried for the murder of your girlfriend, and you're mom threw herself off a bridge, you're older sister is allowed to sign as your legal guardian isn't she?
So instead of sitting between Dick and Beaver Casablancas as they joke about nailing the new girl, you're hitting the auto-unlock and yanking open the door to your car and wondering how long it would take you to cross the border considering you're the key witness in your father's murder trial.
Or would that be co-key witness? You're not sure who's considered more important on the stand against the great Aaron Echolls, you or your ex.
Whom your father still describes as a 'sweet girl' in every jailhouse interview he gives.
That only worries you slightly.
Your cell phone rings just before the key slides into the ignition, and before you check the caller i.d. you have a fleeting fantasy that it's her. It lasts half a second, seeing as though you really think you'll run over your own phone if Beyoncé's 'Naughty Girl' continues to play at that decibel. The things you do when you're drunk, huh?
When you don't answer, you get the text message.
"Care for a Nightcap?"
She's home alone, and you - well you ditched the chance to watch your former best friend make out on a rank bus with the love of your life - so you know where this is heading.
The song on the radio is one you've never heard before, and as you pull out of the parking lot with more speed than is necessary, you realize why.
This is a song that makes you think.
Your mind hits Lilly first, just like it always does when you're being self depreciating on your way to another man's house; To see his trophy wife. You're still not sure when screwing Kendall Casablancas had become a good idea.
Shaking your head, you concentrate on the things you shouldn't be concentrating on. Like the fact that Lilly would laugh her ass off if she was here to watch you pine over her best friend. She would remind you that you and her were kindred spirits, and that there was really no room in your twisted world for you current choice of soul mate. Besides, she would add with a smile, she's taken. And you both know that you would rather meet back up with your friendly neighborhood PCHers than steal another thing from your best friend - former as the case may be. It doesn't matter if you two aren't speaking. The one thing he wants is her, and you can't bring yourself to steal that away.
Even though you know you could.
You don't have to think too hard to discover what first attracted you to Veronica Mars.
It was Veronica.
It was really that simple.
Veronica and her inquisitive blue eyes and oddly infectious smile. Even at the tender age of twelve, in her green knee socks and slightly too large soccer shorts, you understood that there would never be another girl in Neptune quite like her. But then Lilly appeared, and like she always did, commanded all of the attention. She would afford Veronica her brother though, after all she couldn't have everyone, and Veronica seemed more than happy to settle with what she could get.
You've noticed that about her.
She doesn't admit that she wants more. Even when you have your hands on her hips and her tongue in your mouth -
But you digress.
You and Lilly started your whirlwind relationship less than a year later. Veronica and Lilly's brother actually had a scorecard to keep track of when you were on and off. Maybe if you ask nicely they'll hand that over sometime.
You had tried to tell yourself that she was all you needed.
It had been Lilly's fault.
Yes, you realize that you have yet again resorted to blaming your dead girlfriend for your problems, but seriously. If only Lilly hadn't pushed you. If only Lilly hadn't decided that her best friend and her boyfriend should become 'great friends.' If only she hadn't… Well as long as you're handing out blame, her brother should be rotting in hell as well. Hadn't he decided the same thing? The Kane siblings shared brainwaves sometimes.
It was their fault that you got close to her. It was their fault that you started to care.
But is it their fault that after Lilly died you couldn't look at another pretty blonde that you had feelings for the same way?
Is it their fault that you started to harass her after her father was fired?
Is it hers?
Did she ask you to start rumors of her and almost every guy in school? Did she tell you that those drunken pictures of her were better off handed out in a leaflet to all of your 09er buddies? Was there any particular reason why your form of payback involved a crowbar and Veronica's headlights?
You still wonder why it is that she hadn't let Weevil beat the hell out of you that day.
Maybe she just couldn't stand the sight of blood.
You hear Lilly cackling from you backseat again, and as you make the turn into the gated community so close to your own you start to wonder what would have happened if you had just done as she asked. When she told you that she was afraid over the summer, what would have happened if you had just let it go? Would you two still have been together? Would it be you that she's trying not to kiss on that school bus? You could probably 'what if' until you're blue in the face but it won't change anything. Your longest relationship since Lilly just went on a fieldtrip with someone else, and you have to blink back tears when your mind replays how it's not supposed to matter.
But it does.
There's a difference between you and Duncan.
As odd as it sounds that you actually put it like that, it's true. Duncan's charming and compassionate, and yeah, there's the slight thing about how you thought he had murdered his sister last school year, but since the truth of that one came out you're back to seeing nothing but good in him.
You can't help but to see what he has that you don't.
How he's better.
He's just like Veronica, only with a duller tongue.
And in that lies the problem.
She's better than you.
Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever seeing as though she's lower middle class and you're the son of the one and only Aaron Echolls. She's been the one made fun of at all the parties, and you've been the one holding them.
Your head slams against the headrest when you force yourself to see that that wasn't what you meant. It has nothing to do with social standing.
She's everything you can no longer kid yourself that you are.
No matter how many bodies she's seen, she still has this innocence around her. Granted she's far less impressionable than it used to be, but it's still there. Her eyes have to take everything in; her fingertips twitch before touching something new. Its the way you would think a child would see the world.
But then again, that's only when she lets people see it.
You saw it once. You held it.
The Xterra stops itself in the U-shaped driveway and you flick off the engine without realizing that you've made it to your destination.
It's probably safe to say that you're never going to hold it again.
Your door opens, and you force a skip as your keys fling themselves around your finger. It's something that you've seen your father do plenty of times; for some reason that comforts now rather than creeps. You'll figure that one out later.
You knock on the door and wait.
"Can Dick and Beaver come out to play?"
Well, if you're going down, you might as well make the most of it.