I have only four words to say: Brownies, meet my brain.
"Marik, I thought we agreed I wasn't gay."

Those were the first words out of my mouth when I opened the door to see him standing there with what seemed to be a five year old. Or a very tiny midget. We were yet to be introduced, so she could very well have been. I don't know. He just blinked at me. Yes, about my statement. See, about a year ago, I thought I was gay and the sexy Egyptian here dated me for a week. Then I dumped him and we agreed that I, the wonderful and Godly Seto, was not gay. I am a Narcisst though, I admit. Anyway, back to my predicament. The kid, or midget, had a 'dumb and happy' expression. I hate happy. Marik had a 'Oh Lord and Master of the Universe Seto! Please Help Me!' look. Unfortunately, with him, 'help me' normally translates to 'sleep with me!' And then I'm screwed over yet again. Literally and figuratively. I glared at the midget. I hate them. Because you have to take care of them and it's always 'I'm hungry' or 'I'm thirsty' and 'read me this' or 'buy me that' and you finally just snap and say 'no, I won't buy you the God damn pony because I already bought you the two wolfhounds, the golf course, the pure gold bicycle, and the bloody pigeon!' ...Ugh, she smiled at me. I turned to Marik again.

"Right. I'm here for help."

"I'm not a psychiatrist."

"...Legal help."

"I'm not saving you from jail. Or suing anybody for cash." I love this game. We can play it for hours.

"Custody of Reiyne." He pointed to the midget. Damn! He ended the game. Curses! Well, I'll just have to restart it.

"Who is she?"

"My daughter."

"How?"

"Long story."

"I have time."

"It involved alchohol."

"And a female?"

"No, a monkey," he answered flatly, rolling his eyes. He thinks he ended it, does he? I'll show him!

"I'm sure Honda's a lovely mother."

"Yes a female!"

"Do tell."

"Not with her around."

"Then let the midge-I mean kid- wander around. She's bound to get los-find something interesting eventually." People say I'm a mean person. I think they're all liars who need their tongues cut out. I'm crass and rude and bossy and I could use a breath mint in the morning, but I'm not mean. Bullies are mean. They take lunch money. I don't take lunch money. I take companies and livelihoods and make grown men cry and commit suicide, but it's all business. I'm a very nice person. Mokuba said so. And Marik, but he's a psychopathic idiot with schitzophrenia, so he can't count. Anyway, he gave me a flat look before turning to the midg-er, kid-daughter type... thing. He whispered something, what did he say, and she went off to play. In my yard.

... Bloody hell. Where's a viscious, bloodthirsty, man eating guard dog with rabies when you need one? If she ruins even one blade of grass in my perfectly manicured lawn, the world will learn why Seto Kaiba has no children. They'll also learn why most animal species eat their young. They taste like chicken, dammit! Except chicken. Chicken taste like macoroni. I'm not sure why...

I snapped back to attention as Marik sat on my perfect couch. Damn him, leaving butt prints on my furniture. He's going to tell me about how he had a kid now, though, so I guess he can be forgiven. Oh goody, story time! Erm, right.

"I got drunk five years ago. Stuff happened, mostly I don't remember what. About a week ago, Reiyne showed up on my doorstep with a note. Now some guy claiming to be her stepdad is trying to take me to court for her. I don't want to lose her. I like her. Can you help?" He glanced outside.

I frowned. Okay, I lied. I'm a mean person. Even to the tiny group of people I call my friends. That's because they don't know they're my friends. Marik's in that group. I finally shrugged.

"I suppose," I gave in. I always end up giving in to Marik. It's the eye thing he does. They get all big and round and tearful. He knows it makes me give in. He was doing it now. I patted his head. "I'll get you a lawyer."

I hit the floor when he tackled me.

"Thank you Seto!"

"You're welcome! Now let me breathe!"

When he got up, and let me sit up, I brushed my trenchcoat off. Ew, Marik germs. I got to my feet anf glanced outside. Damn, she's tiny... Was she really his? She's so small! A Kuriboh could have been twice her size! Well, no, that's a lie. Kuriboh's aren't that big. But still. And she wasn't even cute! I hate short kids, they can't ever reach things. Damn her, being short! And Marik's pretty tall.How did she get short genes? Was her mother a midget? I'll have to ask sometime.

"Helllloooo? Setooo? Stop spacing out."

I blinked ."Huh? Yeah, right. Sure." I shrugged. "You going to leave now? You're breathing my precious air."

Marik gave me an adorable pout, but he left. I watched him go.


Well, that's chapter one. It's a little odd, I know. But brownies will do that. And Seto's a bit... strange. Yeah, I did that on purpose. Trust me. Chapter two will come out soon. That one has more humor, including clams, forks and flamingoes.