The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead

Chapter the Third: Double Entendre

Author: Artemis Rae

Rating: T. Adult Themes.

A/N: Chapter Three, which I got the idea for a while ago, was inspired (…in the shower again. Weirdness) sat down and wrote.

I just realized that all three chapters so far have taken place in the Fire Nation. I'm not sure why this is, other than JoJoDancer and I get insane joy from making Zuko uncomfortable.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Avatar. Am very disappointed. Must write fanfiction instead.


"Pardon me, Lord Zuko." Zuko looked up from his desk to see one of his wife's servants standing at the door. "The Fire Lady asked me to tell you that lunch is ready and is being served in the private dining hall."

Zuko smiled at her. "Thank you." Then, looking with a frown back down at the document that had crossed his desk, added, "You haven't seen Toph Bei Fong recently, have you? Or Sokka?"

"Actually, my lord, I was on my way to deliver the lunch message to them next."

Zuko rose, rolling the parchment and putting it in his pocket. "Then you can go back to the kitchens and help serve. I'll track them down and pass on the message, and we'll arrive together."

The servant bowed and left the room, and Zuko took off in the opposite direction, heading towards Toph's bedroom where she and Sokka were sure to be slipping in a nap. Judging by their hung-over whining at breakfast and the contents of the document in his pocket, they'd certainly had an eventful evening the night before.

He strode purposefully up to their door, placed one hand on the doorknob and raised a hand to knock-

"Come on Sokka! Harder!"

Sokka merely grunted in response.

Zuko froze.

The first thing that went through his head was, "I almost let that servant girl come here."

The second thing that went through his head was, "Spirits, I once let the king of Ba Sing Se sleep in that room."

It was an interesting predicament he found himself in. On one hand, two of his close friends were obviously very busy and probably wanted privacy. They would be very angry if he interrupted them. On the other hand, he had orders from his wife to retrieve them for lunch. She would be furious if he showed up without them.

Unable to decide on a course of action, Zuko chose inaction. He stood in front of the door, hand still on the knob, other hand still balled and prepared to knock, his mouth hanging slightly open.

"To the left…right there!"

"Like that?"

"Yeah…"

There were several loud bangs and scraping noises. Zuko's eyes widened.

Toph yelped. "Ow!"

"Sorry!"

"Stop it! Move – I'm done. Forget this."

"Toph!" Sokka whined, sounding strained. "Don't leave! What am I supposed to do with this thing? It's huge!"

"Take care of it yourself," Toph snapped.

Sokka groaned.

Sweet Agni, Zuko thought. His friends were just having sex – they were having bad sex. And he had heard them!

His brain suddenly made the connection that if Toph had gotten up she would probably be angrily exiting the room, but before he could jump back there was a loud cracking noise and suddenly the door was falling in. Zuko, his hand still attached to the doorknob, fell with it.

"Zuko!" Sokka was startled.

"What were you doing?" Toph, of course, did not sound surprised to see him.

Zuko did the most logical thing. He clapped his hands over his eyes and swore loudly. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry for the love of Agni please put your clothes on I didn't mean to-"

"Open your eyes." Toph commanded.

Zuko peeked through two fingers. Toph and Sokka stood over him, rumpled, sweaty –

And completely clothed.

"Ungh," Zuko said. It was as articulate as he could be as his brain rushed to comprehend what his eyes were seeing.

Toph stood, hands fisted at her waist. Sokka was clutching a large beam of wood. Behind him lay the dismantled bed that was supposed to be the centerpiece of the room. The headboard and one of the beams lay on the floor, tilted at an awkward angle. The footboard lay flat on the ground, and the mattress has been thrown to the other side of the room. The canopy and the metal rods that held it up where twisted, still attached to the headboard but disconnected from the footboard.

"What happened?" he blurted out. "I thought – I came – I heard…" he stumbled over his words, unable to explain what he thought he had heard.

Sokka blinked at him. "I was helping Toph fix her bed. It kinda fell apart. We couldn't get the beam connected to the footboard."

Zuko tried to process this. "But – but – it sounded like-"

"You thought we were having sex!" Toph burst in accusingly. Sokka's jaw dropped.

At this point, Zuko gave up on any hope of recovering his pride. He stood up, straightened his robes, and gave the two of them his most dignified look. "I came to inform you that lunch is ready in the private dining hall. The Fire Lady is expecting you as soon as you two are decent."

Sokka gave him a vicious grin. Toph giggled. Zuko felt his face flush and fled the room.


Sokka watched curiously as the Fire Lord fled the room so fast that he kicked up dust clouds.

Toph crossed her arms and turned back to him.

Sokka dropped the heavy wooden beam on his foot.

They contemplated each other, then the now empty hallway.

"Well," said Sokka, trying to keep weight off his foot. "I guess we shouldn't tell him how we broke the bed in the first place."


…I really have no excuse, other than, seriously, making Zuko squirm just seems to make me happy. There is a very vague reference to Chapter One (Public Disturbance) in here, if you see it.

Expect another update late tonight – a one shot, taking place in Ba Sing Se.