Author's Note: I am really REALLY sorry for the long wait. For a more about my absensce, please see my News on my profile. This chapter is dedicated to everyone of you who has reveiwed my stories, faved them, or faved me as an author. You are awsome. I seriously would not be able to keep these stories up without you. Thankyou so much. I hope you enjoy this. I'll try to get part 2 of this chapter up soon, and expect an update on my slumber party fic as well. Thankyou for your patience!!

Chapter 5 – Snow White and the Seven Dysfunctional Dwarves

Part 1

"BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA! MWHAHAHAHAHAAA!! VHWAHAHAHAHA!! And all those other evil cackes," Rosalie cried. Her laughter rang out across the kingdom, which was the first thing that tipped Bella off to the fact she might be in trouble. The other thing was Laurent stalking her through the woods with a giant ax.

"Laurent!" Bella called.

Laurent leaped dramatically out of the bushes, ax raised. When Bella didn't scream, he lowered it with a scowl.

"….Interesting seeing you here," Bella said, eyeing the ax wearily.

"Yeah," Laurent agreed, looking over his weapon, seemingly not satisfied with it's sharpness.

"Do you know what chaotic fairy tale we're in now?" Bella asked, walking ahead, trying to ignore the laughs she could still hear echoing from the castle not too far away. "All I know is that suddenly I was here, walking away from the castle."

"Snow White," Laurent told her.

"Really?" Bella raised an eyebrow. "This should be interesting."

"Uh huh," Laurent said, lifting the ax. "Remember, the queen gave me a job."

"Oh yeah. To off me," Bella said nervously, "But remember! The axe-man let her get away!"

"Yeah… but this isn't really the actual fairy tale," He said in a scary kind of way. "It can go a different way."

"I see…," Bella mused on this, "HEY! LOOK! IT'S JAMES!"

And, sure enough, suddenly James shot right past them, being chased by none other than Aro.

A stunned silence followed, broken by a long low whistle from Laurent.

"Holy tree frogs," He said, conveying both their shock.

"I don't understand how that fits in with the story," Bella said skeptically.

Laurent sighed. "Neither do I, but I better go help him."

"You do that," Bella agreed.

"Dangit," Laurent swore. His grip tightened on the blade, but instead of cutting open up his hand, he crushed the blade. "Oh, BLAST!"

Bella chuckled.

Laurent shot her a dirty glance and looked ready to shove the axe in his mouth when James and Aro shot past again.

Laurent sighed and started to leave but then whirled around. "I'll be back!"

"I have no doubt about it," Bella said boredly, rolling her eyes.

Laurent made a frustrated noise and ran after Aro and James.

"That was very strange. What role do Aro and James have?" Bella pondered.

Laurent's head suddenly popped in to view once more. "This is the part where you start freakin' out and screaming and running all over the place," He whispered in a hushed conspiratorial tone, making Bella wondering how many times Laurent had seen the movie. Hey, you never know, maybe ol' Walt Disney really stole the story from Laurent. Stranger things had happened… Well, okay, maybe not so much, but you had to admit there was possibility.

"Uh, right," Bella said to Laurent, pushing aside her thoughts that he might possibly be the writer behind Disney's stories to concentrate on getting through this story alive.

"Ahh," Bella said flatly, almost monotone. "The terror. Oh, please. Is there not some charming prince to save me. The horror, the horror. Ahhhhh."

Laurent sighed. "It lacks something, and the prince doesn't come till later."

But duty called Laurent away (James: "Laurent! Get your butt OVER HERE NOW!), so Bella was left alone to improve her acting skills. She continued her 'screaming' every few steps, but opted out of running, as she was sure she would end up tripping. Alas, with so many tree roots popping out of the ground so randomly, it was inevitable that she would trip anyway, and trip she did, right into a conveniently placed clearing.

"Now start singing to coax out the little forest animals." Laurent's head appeared, then vanished once more.

"La la la?" Bella sang, almost questioningly.

It worked. Too well. Squirrels with beady little red eyes swarmed out of the trees, all staring pointedly at her. They began to bare their teeth evilly.

"Um… help?" Bella squeaked, more convincingly than before.

Laurent returned once more. "They like singing!" Then he yelped as one squirrel leapt high in the air in an attempt to take off his nose. He decided helping James would be safer and left.

"lalalalalala," Bella sang. The squirrels visibly calmed. "Do you like singing?" She spoke this too as if it had a tune.

Then, as a great wave, bowed to her, accepting her as their leader.

"Can you help me?" She sang.

The squirrels nodded. In unison. If you're not thinking that totally creepy, you have not seen a herd (pack? Flock? Cult?) of rabid vampire squirrels nodding in unison.

"I need you to take me to a safe place!" Bella continued to sing, doubting very much that this could possibly even have a chance of working. But as usually happens in weird and random tales, it did.

The squirrels started chattering excitedly and began to lead her somewhere.

For a long time. And as they walked, the squirrels put garlands of flowers around her neck and in her hair.

But anyway, she kept walking until suddenly (and totally shockingly, I know) she saw a cabin.

"Oh great," Bella said sarcastically. "Now I get to meet a bunch of dwarves."

The squirrels looked at her questioningly.

"Thank you, squirrels," She sang.

They continued to stare expectantly.

"Err, that will be all." They dispersed.

With a long suffering sigh, she entered the cabin, which was actually mansion size. The interior looked like it belonged to someone very wealthy and was spotless.

"Huh. That's interesting." Bella surveyed the area before calling out. "Hello! ANYONE HOME! HELLLLLLOOOOooO!"

"Quiet down, no need to yell," A very familiar voice said.

"Carlisle!?" Bella gasped as Carlisle walked into the light of the giant chandelier.

"Yes, it's me," Carlisle agreed.

"You're a dwarf?" Bella choked.

"Uh…," Carlisle looked down at himself. "Though I don't appear to take on the appearance of one, I believe I am filling the role of 'Doc', which, I may add, is a rather uncouth abbreviation of the word doctor."

Bella tried to keep from laughing at the idea of Carlisle being Doc, since he apparently wasn't very keen on the idea himself.

"I'm very sorry," She said politely.

"It's quite all right," he sighed. "I assume your Snow White?"

She was about to reply with an affirmative when another voice interrupted.

"You know what assuming does!" The new voice called cheerfully from somewhere upstairs.

"No way," Bella gasped.

"Yes way!" Jessica slid down the long stair rail, landing at the bottom with a flourish. "Isn't this just awesome, Bella? Can you believe we're acting out fairy tales? This makes absolutely no sense at all, but it is so fun! And check out these far out costumes! Wow, yours is pretty awesome too! This is so cool we get to be in a fairy tale together. You must be Snow White! You couldn't be a dwarf too, cause all the positions are already-"

"This is Chatty," Carlisle introduced Jessica with a polite but tired smile, that indicated this had been going on for a while.

"Ah, I see," Bella agreed. Jessica smiled, not bothered by her name.

"So who is everyone else? Do they all have nontraditional names or is that just Jessica?" Bella asked.

"Uh, no actually," Carlisle said, before Jessica, who had started to open her mouth, could. "The only different ones are Sorry and Snarky. I don't know how we knew about the changes actually… we just knew."

"Hmm, strange," Bella commented. "So who are Sorry and Snarky?" Bella asked, though she had a ominous feeling.

"Sorry! Snarky! Bella- I mean Snow White is here!" Jessica, err, Chatty, called up the stairs.

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Someone ran towards the stairs, in their haste, tripping down them. Luckily, a vampire/doctor was present, and was able to prevent him from breaking his neck at the bottom.

Jessica snorted impatiently. "No, not Bella. She's Snow White now."

"Snow White! I'm sorry!"

Bella gaped. How could this get any weirder. "Tyler?"

"Hahahaha!" A laugh boomed. Suddenly Emmett was standing next to Bella. "Does it really surprise you?"

"And who are you?" Bella asked, sounding not sure she really wanted to know.

"Why, I'm Happy, of course," Emmett answered, sounding indeed very happy.

"Ah. Now that one doesn't surprise me," Bella said, and Emmett beamed.

Emmett surveyed the mini crowd surrounding them, pointing as he counted. "Rawr. We're missing Grumpy, Snarky and Bashful. How can this be THE PERFECT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY without them?!"

Carlisle coughed, which Bella found suspicious, since what reason had a vampire to cough, unless Carlisle had been a little over eager with all the apples in the story.

"Why don't you go and get them?" Carlisle suggested, trying to keep his face straight.

Emmett disappeared, reappearing moments later with none other than Eric being prodded along in front of him and Jasper and Lauren being tugged along (gently, of course) by the ears. "Come on, all! Time to meet the princess."

"I wanted to be the bloody princess," Lauren said, looking venomously at Bella.

"Snarky?" Bella guessed.

Emmett grinned. "Spot on."

Eric said nothing but blushed. Bella didn't even have to ask to identify him as Bashful.

Jasper broke free of Emmett at last with a snarl. Emmett grinned and pointed at Jasper. "See? It's Grumpy!"

"What the hell?!" Jasper exclaimed. "I keep telling you: I AM NOT GRUMPY!!"

"Are you talking about your mood or the character?" Emmett asked, innocently curious.


Emmett's eyes became saucer wide with Bambi like innocence. "But you're wrong on both accounts."

Jasper then made a sound that come out somewhat like: "ARRRRGGGGGSSSSRRRCCCHHHHHHTTTTHEMMMMETTT!" And proceed to chase Emmett from the room.

"Riiiiiiight," Bella slapped her palm against her forehead and whispered, "Prince Charming, please save me from the dwarves!"

Carlisle patted her shoulder.