A Girl Named Arsenic

Chapter One: Getting To Know The Family

Wednesday, January 15 was a cloudy day and the skies were as gray as your great-grandmother's wool vest that you hate so much. On this day a child was born, but not just any child, a girl child. Her parents loved her very much but were profoundly illiterate and so they searched the dictionary for her name. Her father, Augustus Clive James Grayson the third, who dropped out of high school and became a career newspaper deliverer, wanted to name her Emulate. But since the child was just born and had no reason to feel the need to strive to excel in anything, other than refusing to cry, she was not named Emulate. Also, her mother, Antoinette Christine Marie Grayson, who had a severe case of ADHD that prevented her from having a job that'd hold her attention for more than ten seconds, didn't particularly fancy the name and divorced her father on the spot, only to re-marry him five minutes later. But back to the child's name. Her mother, in her profound wisdom (or lack there of) decided that the best name for the child was Arsenic. So the baby was thusly named.

As a child, growing up in modern day Needles, California; Arsenic enjoyed many things. Some of her likes included, but were far from limited to, small fluffy ducks, trees during autumn, the smell of freshly baked bread, the sky when it threatened to rain cats and dogs, and cookies. God how the girl loved cookies. Her dislikes included rainbows, sunshine, fluffy kittens and puppies, boys, and penguins. Satan how the girl hated boys.

Her parents' likes and dislikes are irrelevant, but I'll tell you anyway. Her mother was a fearful kind of person who didn't enjoy going out of the house, but rather enjoyed making up games and friends, and doing crafts. If Arsenic were to bring even a single leaf in from the outdoors, her mother would go ballistic and rampage, like your great Aunt Gertrude did when you spilled that coca syrup on her white couch, it was horrible.

Her father was the exact opposite of her mother, preferring to sleep out doors under the stars, rather than set foot inside a house. He didn't enjoy games, invisible friends or crafts, but instead found joy in educating little Arsenic in the subject of newspaper selling. It's still a mystery as to how the two of them ever managed to conceive little Arsenic; it probably has something to do with the back doorway and a really good privacy fence.