Last chapter at last. Yeesh, bout time I got back to this... Took me long enough, eh? And yep, you heard me right, since I can't remember if I mentioned it in last chapter's author's note or not, this is the last chapter of Clown Wars. Will Swift finally make peace with his longtime phobia of clowns? ...Eh. Unlikely.
IMPORTANT: Old readers might need a recap due to the immense gap between updates. Lesse... Swift, after facing an encounter with a clown doll set on him by Rebel, confronts his fear of clowns armed with many different weapons on Clown appreciation day. Raiding Celadon, the Pikachu soon heads out to a worn down and foreboding funhouse Valerie had supposedly made up to take out the clowns once and for all....
That should do it. Okay?... Okay then, good, very good... Read on, people! (Star Wars Theme plays. I get sued.) Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or Pokemon... but some other person does.
Chapter 3: Fall of A Not-so-great Empire
After walking for nearly a mile to get to the lower part of Celadon City since his stolen motorcycle had imploded, Swift's jovial whistle version song of 'She'll Be Comin' Around The Mountain When She Come's' ended as he approached a decrepit, run down mirror house. The sky was gray and dark with clouds, and the sign that was meant to read 'Fun World' was broken and was covered in dust and cob-webs that creaked in the wind. Swift spun around. Celadon was still sunny. "Strange..."
The door to the supposedly enjoyable house was long gone; there was junk all around it, and the place looked downright abandoned, hated, and despised by normal members of society. Then cackling came from inside the building.
From where he had obtained from Mew know's where, Swift spun a keyblade 'round in one paw, which happened to be Oblivion, and examined the house curiously. He tapped the black paint red spot on his cheek with his free paw. "Hmm... typical carnival-style location.... desolate environment that no one really cares about.... well... their selection of real-estate wasn't very good... but this is definitely an evil clown base if I ever saw one." Swift decided. And with all of the mouse's sanity temporarily lost, all thoughts of fleeing the deathtrap were so very far away...
"Well," He hoisted the blade onto his shoulder. "Let's do this." As he approached the house, the sound of wings fluttering in the air stopped him, and he saw the Spearow from Viridian forest, holding his signature cam-corder, stop in front of him.
Swift pointed Oblivion towards the bird. "Twenty-five seconds to explain yourself before you die."
"Dude... something tells me this will be epic." said Spearow as he put on a pair of shades. "What would you say if I taped your venture here, and sell it of to mass markets for a quick profit?"
"Eighteen... seventeen.... " Swift looked impatient and the seconds were falling fast.
"Split the profits sixty - forty?"
"Fifty - fifty," Swift haggled.
"Seventy - thirty," Spearow countered.
They shook, and the Spearow flew behind Swift with the cam-corder in a wing. "Cool. Remember to make it look good, and don't die. People don't like it when their heros or antiheros die."
Swift finally approached the entrance. He cracked his neck both ways, griped and released his paws, before kicking the air. He ignored the fact there was no door.
He burst in the room. Broken mirrors and some still intact were everywhere in a dusty, creepy room. "Where are you damn clowns hiding!? I know you're here!" he shouted.
The cackling from earlier became louder. "Welcome, Swift... we've been expecting you...." A deep voice sounded. Swift's head spun back and forth.
"Clown Number 256734 has reported your approach... after you blew off his arm! We don't take to kindly to that sort of behavior. So the penalty must be..."
Swift awaited the answer tensely; the keyblade gripped tightly and at his side. Spearow zoomed in on Swift for dramatic effect.
"...Forty smacks with a paddle!!" The voice thundered suddenly.
Swift raised an imaginary eyebrow.
"...No, not really–it's death. Seize him!!"
At the command, hundreds among hundreds of clowns fell from the sky and fell through the roof, burst through the unbroken until now mirrors, and dived in through the windows while falling on their faces. All loaded with pies, electric hand shakers, and acid squirting flowers.
"Okay, clown 3435, you're entrance was completely off," Spearow remarked disgustedly. Clown 3435 looked ashamed.
"DiiiiIIIIEEeeeeEEEE!!!" Swift charged the clown horde.
"Okay....and action!!" Spearow charged in mid-air, taping the war from a somewhat safer distance. Even though he was only a couple feet behind Swift and a little way above him.
The first clown prepared to toss his pie at the yellow mouse, but Swift side-stepped the airborne treat and slashed the clown's chest with the keyblade. For one brief spilt-second Swift wondered if this was wrong, but then simply decided it wasn't because he thought so. However, instead of blood, the clown instantly burst into jelly-beans. Expecting this, Swift ignored the dead clown, leapt to avoid a stream of acid from a clown using an acid flower, and brought the keyblade down upon it's back heavily. Again, more jellybeans. Swift grabbed a red one.
Five more clown's approached him, all looking slightly more angry than the last, now brandishing chains.
Swift cut down a few more, these clowns actually bleeding, and they shouted. "Help! Tomato sauce from my arm!! TOMATO SAUCE FROM MY ARM!!!"
When the clowns got numerous, Swift changed tactics, tossed away the keyblade (which was Oblivion— tsk tsk), and tossed a few grenades before quickly hiding under a cardboard box as they went off. (Metal Gear Solid, anyone?)
Once the explosions cleared, Swift slipped from the inexplicably unharmed box and ran off. The electric homicidal mouse proceeded to run off deeper into the house with Spearow behind him as more enraged clowns whom had exchanged electric hand shakers for knives and chainsaws followed in hot pursuit.
Once he stopped, Swift began hurriedly tinkered with a flamethrower next.
"Okay, that was good," Spearow began with all the air of a director whom had just got a showstopping bit of footage. "You definitely looked vicious, and the artificial clown blood looked convincing. The media will love this!" said the bird enthusiastically.
Swift wondered if he should tell Spearow the blood that stained his fur was warm, and smelled very much real, but simply shrugged and proceeded to standing with the flamethrower in his paws.
He waited and once the horde of clowns approached Swift activated the weapon and a massive stream of fire filled the halls, stopping the horde of clowns in their tracks. After it had stopped, the clowns ran about frantically in all directions; rear-ends on fire, of course.
Swift switched the flamethrower for a missile launcher next, acquired from Mew know's where along with all the weapons before it, and ran for the stairs that were further in the room he had entered. He briefly wondered why a fun house contained so many rooms and strangely resembled the interior of an abandoned evil mansion, but simply declared it as extreme renovation from an Extreme Make-over home addition gone inexplicably wrong.
As he approached the staircase, Swift leapt upon the rails and began grinding down a set on his feet as he had done in so many Sonic gamecube games before this. Clowns were on the stairs as well, so he launched missiles at them while grinding, bombing the clowns as he passed by and turned from time to time to furiously blast at all who dared stay within a fifty-foot radius on the floor below.
He leapt off the railing at the end of the stairs, and suddenly all was quiet. Glancing around, Swift saw noting but dark, dust, cobwebs, and clown corpses scattered among the ground.
Spearow glanced around as well, taping the environment. Then he spotted something Swift didn't.
"Mouse, lookie there," He pointed with a wing. Looking in that direction, they Swift saw a massive bright red door that was at the end of the room.
"Hmm.... strange, that wasn't there before..." Swift commented, shrugged, then ran over to it.
He knocked gently.
"Yes, yes, come in."
Swift nodded and proceeded to blast down the door with his bazooka; followed by callously tossing aside his missile launcher like yesterdays stale, moldy, and burnt popcorn.
After the dust cleared, he and Spearow dashed into the room. A chandelier hung from the ceiling and a red carpet ran through the huge, bright room and up a few stairs to what looked like a throne. The walls were covered in gold wallpaper with elegant pictures hanging from them, and there were two fountains at both sides of the room. A soft opera song played from some unidentifiable place.
Swift ran inside the room, then stopped.
Slow, sarcastic applauding came from the throne chair at the back of the room.
A Darth Vader styled clown, though a little shorter and fatter than previous clowns, and with brown paws— and a long thunderbolt styled, whip-like tail—stood at the pinnacle before he began walking down the stairs slowly. Candles atop of highly elevated platforms to their sides ignited as the figure passed them. Spearow taped Swift and the clown with indecent interest.
"Well done, Swift... " the clown congratulated. "You've invaded and destroyed most of my empire... As expected..." He stopped many feet away from the Pikachu.
"Who are you?" Swift asked, confused. He thought, as he asked this, I should order a pizza later...
"I am the Clown Emperor. King of all pie-faced imbeciles; leader of mediocre entertainment specialists; ruler of all things not-so-funny and just plain stupid..."
"Ruler of blowhard speeches, perhaps?" Spearow commented, half-disgusted, half-impatient.
"Pff! Oh, yeah, sure...chicken..." Spearow nodded sarcastically, and folded his wings. Still somehow remaining in mid-air.
The clown ignored him. "I was indeed the one whom had greeted you from when you first entered my dominion," The clown explained dramatically. "For we were destined to meet... face to face, once again..."
"I've never seen you before in my life!" Swift stated in annoyance.
"Oh, really...?" the clown inquired. "Think back. We met when you were still a Pichu..."
Swift's eyes went wide. "No... it can't be...! You mean you're the—"
"Precisely! I am the very same clown from your fourth birthday party!" The voice bellowed loudly with triumph in his voice.
Swift stood rigid with utter fear and shock, and couldn't take his widened eyes off the figure.
The clown emperor pulled out a small device which was the handle to a red lightsaber and the glowing beam shot up, humming. "Who has the force now, eh...?" He tossed one over to Swift, which the handle simply hit him on the head. The mouse hardly flinched.
"Come, we shall do battle. Prepare yourself!" The clown began slowly walking forward with the lightsaber in hand.
Swift was still frozen. After a moment of tense filming, Spearow hastily said, "Whoa, hey... Mouse? Remember that thing about people not liking their antihero dying? Snap out of it...!!"
No use. Darthclown drew closer.
"Uh...hmm... Oh! Look! Ketchup!!" Spearow exclaimed suddenly as soon as the idea hit, he remember Swift coming to strangle him early mornings in Viridian Forest with a bottle of it in his paws.
Swift finally snapped back to reality. Glancing around frantically, he saw the lightsaber on the ground in front of him, but no ketchup. Growling, he grabbed it before activating the weapon in a sudden blue beam of light, also humming. "Wrong, non-funny-one. It is I who has the force."
With a sudden shout, the clown emperor charged forward and swung his saber down. Swift blocked quickly as the classic loud buzzing and sparks with each clash erupted. Swift quickly spun around, and made a swing from his left, but the emperor easily blocked it. Swift ducked a counter swing, and rolled a short way off, before jumping and striking the clown's saber as his opponent lifted it just in time.
Spearow watched with the camera rolling and chowing down on some popcorn. Then he realized the horror of that moment. "Hey... no soda!"
3 Hours later...
Swift and the Clown Emperor both panted heavily, Swift leaning against his lightsaber which was planted in the ground, and the clown emperor sagged against a wall. Spearow had fallen asleep, his head in the popcorn bag. "No... don't take my blanky...no, not the whip, mommy..."
"There has to be a better way to do this..." Swift remarked as he attempted to catch his breath, wondering where his missile rocket had vanished to.
The emperor panted as well. "Yes, where is your missile launcher...? I need to use it."
"What?" Swift said in clear shock. Some of it was at his mind being read, some of it. "I need to use it first! I have to kill you!"
"Fine." The Clown emperor rubbed his mask in the fashion of rubbing off sweat. "Enough of this silly nonsense!" He kicked a Barbie doll head over at Swift, and it silly-ish-ly, hit the mouse's head and he, with an over dramatic cry of anguish, fell over in a nonsense-ish way.
Picking up his light saber, the clown emperor rushed over in a hurry, panting as jogged.
Swift groaned, but before he could get up, the red lightsaber buzzed less than an inch away from his face.
"Well, Swift, it seems I win... any last words?" The clown emperor offered, though his tone was emotionless.
"Well, yeah, sort of... could you get the rest of that barbie doll, over there?" the mouse asked, pointing.
"Hmm? Oh... well, I guess so..." The clown emperor turned and left over towards the doll. Swift reached into his pack in a hurry.
"This one?" The emperor picked up the body to the doll head he had kicked.
"Yeah, that's the one. Just toss it over."
He tossed the doll over and Swift caught it.
"Hmm... 2004 edition.... Miami, Florida model–oh, that's rare..." The mouse mused thoughtfully.
"Yeah, a little girl bought it over once on a visit here. And seeing as how she dropped it and her parents didn't want it back, I planned on selling it, but I never got around to it."
"Oh, well that's an interesting story... yeah... really—"
Swift shot the clown emperor's leg with a rifle.
"OW–MY TIBIA!!" He fell over.
Swift grabbed his lightsaber and rushed over. He held it to the emperor's face, making sure to heavily place a foot on his stomach.
"Picking up where we left off: No, it looks like I win." Swift gloated, smirking. "Any last words? And don't try to pull any of the crap I just pulled, I'll see it coming."
"Damn.... Well then... No, not really..."
"Okay... then–" Swift raised the lightsaber.
"Wait, Swift! Before you kill me... " The emperor began, his voice growing uncertain. "There's something you should know..."
"I don't want to learn anything from you!" Swift spat spitefully, his voice growing full of emotion. "You drove away my father!!"
"No, Swift... " He pulled off his Darth Vader helmet. Revealing the face of a Raichu. "I am your father."
At first he couldn't believe it. Though staring, Swift soon froze with overwhelming shock. His lip quivered with disbelief. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—Wait, seriously?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—you're not kidding?"
"So you're not–?"
"No, I am."
"Okay, stop that."
Swift looked utterly bewildered and his face was wrought with shock and indigestion. "But... how? Mom says you disappeared after my birthday... I always assumed the clowns drove you away in shame and dishonor, and with a blowtorch....I was young, after all." he added and the questioning look his father gave him.
The Raichu got to his feet, since Swift seemed to have lost the motivation to slice his head and mask off. "Well, Swift... this may shock and horrify you, but my occupation has always been clown entertainment."
The Raichu continued, "You see, before I left, I always used to rehearse acts and lines in front of you and your mother. She always said for me to find a real job and made me sleep on the couch, and you always cried..." he chuckled reminiscently. "Hence your phobia of clowns, son."
Swift did nothing but glare.
"So then, on the day of your forth birthday, I wanted nothing more but to make that day on you would always remember...."
"You kinda did."
"Well, yeah... but not like that. After I preformed a CPR act with a python, it was there your friends ran away and you cried so much you passed out..."
Swift stared blandly. An eye twitched.
"After that I left home, and never came back." the Raichu remembered, his paw tapping his cheek. "I've regretted it ever since. So, I'm sorry, son. Yes, the mascara was too much for one so young..." he seemed to have forgotten he had appeared to kiss a killer snake before his four year old son.
And all of Swift's fur turned bright red. "You.... YOU...!!! "
"YOU MEAN ALL THIS TIME, WHENEVER I SO MUCH AS HEAR THE WORD 'CLOWN', I FREEZE UP OR HAVE AN ACCIDENT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU?!?!?"
His dad chuckled. "Heh heh heh... yeah... well since you know I'm alive... from now on you can just call me Pops!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!" Swift shouted ever furiously, his fur still burning. "AND—AND YOU WALKED OUT ON US!"
"No I didn't, I ran."
"Hmm. You always did have a bad temper. The nastiest toddler if I ever saw one..."
"THAT DOES IT!! I'LL.... I'LL...!!" But suddenly feeling exhausted, what Swift would do we will never know. The Pikachu sighed, dropped the lightsaber, and threw the rifle and his other weapons, across the room. "Can't believe I used those... filthy things..." He glared at his father one last time with sheer despise, before turning around and walking off. "I'm going home and fixing my television so I can sit in front of it and drown my depression in ice cream and pizza!" he called over his shoulder.
"See ya later, son!" His Raichu father waved joyously. "Me and your Ma'll see you again on Christmas!"
Mumbling angry curses and swearwords to himself as he stomped on, an alerted Spearow flew in front of him, whom had only just awoke from his nap. "What happened?" he looked over at Swift's Father, who was smiling blissfully, and just looked downright confused. "Did I miss something?"
Swift glared venom at Spearow, then fried the cam-corder with a thunderbolt.
"Hey!! We had a deal!"
"We did, before I became pissed off enough to break it." Swift stomped on angrily without waiting for a response and left towards the exit then home.
"...Philistine!" Spearow shouted after him with hostility.
Meanwhile, Swift's Father folded his arms and watched his son leave with a fulfilled smile on his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a switch. "Well, since I don't have to convince him to love me by force, I guess I didn't need this after all." he tossed the device over his shoulder and the ground flipped the switch on contact.
"Well, you've gone and patched things up with your long lost son... not a bad way to start the weekend, Archy, not a bad way..." With that, he left the other way, hit a different switch, and the wall parted, revealing a very easy two minute route to Celadon. Too bad he didn't tell this to Swift who took the long way home on another stolen dirt bike.
Meanwhile, the first switch activated...
"Thanks for your help, Val." Said Nia as she and the Vulpix were pushing a large box through Viridian Forest. "This new television set... is heavy..." Valerie was atop of the box, reading her newly bought romance novel.
"No problem..." she replied distantly.
"You know, I could swear that delivery truck breaking down just outside of the forest was a hoax... I mean, it was a pretty huge coincidence that just so happened and the driver's back went out at the same time..."
But before Nia could question Valerie's choice of words, she was startled by a loud sound of something approaching. A few meters ahead of them, a huge missile was coming down towards her and Swift's house. Bright red lettering read as followed was written on it: Happy Clown Appreciation Day!
On Impact a loud explosion sounded and blew the back trees surrounding were the house had once been.
After the explosion calmed, nothing but charred ashes and splintered wood from the house remained. A smoky furred Nia blinked.
"Erm... Valerie? Mind if we leave this at your house...? For a few months..."
"No problem..." replied an equally smoky Valerie, just as distantly and book wrapped as before the explosion.
Just then, Rebel and Psy ran into the destroyed area of the forest. They were carrying the bandaged figure of the clown from Celadon who's arm was blown off by a grenade, courtesy of Swift. "This guy said he'd pay us 20 bucks to take him to the hospital!" Psy announced happily.
Rebel however glanced around the destruction and whistled lowly. Then he looked annoyed. "Hey... was there a party we weren't invited to here?"
"No, the clowns blew up our house." Ni answered, very much annoyed.
"That's my brethren! Sweet justice!" the clown Psy and Rebel carried cheered. Psy and Rebel immediately dropped him unceremoniously on his side with no arm.
Ignoring him, Psy began thinking of an idea and Rebel took a 50 dollar bill from the clowns wallet. The Psyduck pulled out two identical hula skirts. "In that case—"
"Whatever you're thinking, no." Nia cut across Psy.
Psy's head hung low and he dragged the hula outfits as he left slowly.
Cockamamie nonsense, I know, but that ends the Clown Wars chapter trilogy. Leave your comments in a review, and I'll update something else some time or other. Hope you enjoyed the first ever completed PV series fanfic!
(Star Wars Theme song plays. I get sued again...)