Disclaimer: I own nothing. I even dismiss any claim to things in this story I technically do own. The song that's reproduced is public domain. (At least that's my story.)
Real A/N: One day, I was suffering from writer's block and just started typing. It was freeing not to worry about plot, consistency, grammar, or spelling. This is the result of that. I forgot about it for a few months, until one day I was reading a diatribe about sues and sue-thors, and it all came back to me. I'm posting it now because I think it's kinda funny. I'm not going to lie; it's really bad, but in a deliberate way. If the typos make it illegible, I'm sorry, but some of them improve the humor quotient so I left in most of them.
This is a parody of poorly written stories and the people who write them. If you get nothing else from this author's note, please remember: PARODY.
The greatest love story ever told (Alternate title: Flogging a Dead Dog)
Ravianne Lotus-Flower Delruba Smith walk up to Draco Malfoy's door, with every intention of killing that murderous Death Eater. He opened the door crying and she looked at him and realized that she loved him with her whole heart. That's why they fight and call each other mean names. Love. "My dog died." He said.
"Voldemort made me kill it."
"oh, you poor baby!" She started to cry with him, then it occur to her. "But on the other hand, if you killed, how can you be sad? You choosed this life." She slapped him "I hate you! How could you kill that poor dog?"
"Don't you think it's killing me! You couldn't possibly understand you don't know about my terrible secret."
"I don't know anything about any secret, but I have come to make love to you."
"Get out of here, witchy woman.
"But I love you Draco." A single tear ran down her cheek and Draoc heart melted. "Okay, I'll shag you."
"Oh, Draco! That is athe most romantic thing you have ever said. Let us now consummate our love."
Then they had the most torrid love3 afair this city had ever to see. Three minutes and eighteen seconds later she cried out, "Ow, you bit me!"
"Yeah, I know."
"It's okay, Draky-Wakey, I forgive you."
"I wasn't asking for forgiveness."
"Let the torrid love affair continue." Five more seconds passed before the affair was over. Ravianne slapped him, "I hate you. You stole my innocentness"
"Yes, because I am evil. Mwah, ha ha." And Draco was indeed evil. He had killed his own dog earlier that day. Evil.
"I will tell the world and all the world will know of your evil ness and you're dog." "No, you will never leave here."
"You won't get away with this." Then he threw her in the dungeon and… yeah, okay, that's when she said "You won't get away with this." She started screaming and bawling. It broke Draco's heart to hear that sound. He thought about re-thinking everything, but then something happened. Lucius Malfoy showed up in Draco's apartment. Lucius was the most evil man in Britan. He had a penchant for raping people and hitting his family with his pimpcane, but despite growing up in constant fear of his father draco was surprisingly defiant. "So what have you been up to, son?"
"Shut up, father, you're no longer the boss of me." Draco yelled.
"Oh, I see you are in one of your… moods. Maybe I should come back later."
"I love her, father. And I don't care if she's a mudblood. I won't let you hurt her the way you used to rape me and bash mother's head in."
"Draco," said Lucius firmly. "I didn't rape you or hit your mother. I understand that I was strict and not the most supportive father, but I. Didn't. Rape. You. I don't know where you got that idea, but it didn't happen. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I hate you!"
Lucius nodded. "On the other hand, I do intend to kill your mudblood girlfriend. Where is she?"
"In the dugeon, but I won't let you hurt her."
"It's called a 'dungeon.'"
"Never mind. Where is the dungeon?"
"It's hidden behind the washing room, you'll never find it."
Lucius nodded again. "Yes, you're quite clever. Incidentally, you can use magic to wash your clothes." Lucius moved behind the washing machine and found that Ravianne was not there, nor was there a dungeon or a dugeon, whatever that is. There was however a dead dog. As Lucius bid Draco goodbye, he hoped that Draco was faking this idiocy to protect his girlfriend. That would be much better than the alternative.
(A/N: Ignore that part with Lucius. I don't think he was very realistic in it.)
"Ravianne, Ravianne!" Draco called "My horrible father is gone. You can come out now." But Ravianne was gone. She had flown out the window because she had wings. Draco liked to call her his fallen angel, but she wasn't actually an angel or anything. It was just a birth defect. But a beuatifula nd usefull one nonetheless. Most people who were born with that particular birth defect weren't able to fly, but Ravianne was really smart and had learned to teach herself how to fly. Draco sighed and sat down. There was nothing he could do but sit and wait for her to come back. It was to be his greatest act of loyalty to the evil regime. He would take her and turn her over to the Dark Lord. Voldemort was obsessed with finding Ravianne because she could fly and that made her special and a threat to the Dark Lord. His only thought for months was to kill Ravianne. Maybe he would try to rape her first because she was very beautiful as well and Azkaban had ravaged Bellatrix's looks.
Ravianne had long black hair like a raven. She was actually born with a full head of raven black hair and that's why her mother named her Ravianne, which is a better name than Ravan. She was even in Ravenclaw, until they realized that she had to be a Griffindor so that there would be a Romeo and Juliet-esque quality to her relationship with Draco. Everything about her screamed Raven, including her wings which were covered in black feathers. Anyway, back to her hair. It was the softest most beautiful hair in the world. Everyone loved her for her hair. She had added streaks of dark purple to her hair. This matched her eyes. Her eyes were a deep purple. Her body was slender, yet voluptuous at the same time. She was stick thin, but also had large, perfect breasts.
Everyone thought that Ravianne was a muggleborn, but she was secretly a pureblood. Her mother had been Marlene McKinnon, who was a tireless and heroic member of the Order of the Pheonix, the first one. Her father had been Antonin Dolohov, a Death Eater. They had a magical one-night stand. Then Dolohov had found out that Marlene was pregnant and had vowed to kill her and her baby. It took him too long though and she had the baby and named her and hid her where he could never find her. With muggles. In America. Ravianne half wished that she could go to Voldemort and tell him who she really was and that they're history is actually the exact same. Because even though Voldy's history was not well known, Ravianne knew all about it. But Ravianne could tell anyone because even if Voldy did spare her life, Dolohov would still be determined to kill her. It was too bad though, becasue she just knew that she would have been able to melt Voldy's heart.
Draco sat and waited for his beloved to return to him. He knew she would come back because she always did in the end. He decided to call out her name and play on the amazing psychic connection they shared. Draco only thougtht that they shared a pschic connection, but in reality it was just that she was always on his mind so everytime she showed up it seemed that he'd just been wishing she would. Fortunately or at least convienently coincidentally she did return as he started to call out her name to the harsh wind. "Return my sexy Ravianne to me." He had begged. And the cruel wind did.
"Hey Draco, how's it going."
"Glad to here it. I trust your father is well?"
"Why, yes, yes he is. Physically at least. Emotionally he's a sick freak."
"Oh, poor Draco, Tell me about your rape again."
"It was horrible. Do you want to cut yourself with me?"
"Um, no, Drano I'm not going to mar my beautiful perfect skin because you have some daddy issues. Get a life loser."
Draco spat in her face for dramatic affect. "Don't you dare talk to me like that mudblood scum. When the dark lord takes over you're will be my whore and I will do whatever I please with you. Didi I mention that my dog died? Doesn't that make you want to love me?"
"Well, yes, actually it does. I love you Draco. I do. I love you. I love you for the man that you want to be and I love you for the man that you almost are. I love you."
"Wow, how heartfelt and original." Draco said with no hint of sarcasm because he had never seen that movie. Raivianne waited for two seconds after he stopped, then she yelled, "Aren't you going to say it back?"
"Oh, right, let's see. Ravianne, I… I lo…" He turned away form her dramically. "I can't say. Ravianne, there's something you need to know. I was going to turn you over to Voldemort. Please don't hate me."
"I could never hate you, Draco. Let me heal you're broken soul."
"No," he said his head still turned so that his eyes were dramically avoiding her face. "It's too late for me. Save your self. Run, no fly, to a place where you will be safe and uncorruptable."
"Tell me your secret now."
"You're horrible and tramatizing secret that will make it okay that you killed your dog. You never told me what that was."
"I'm dying, my pretty little mudblood whore and fallen angel. I will be dead by the end of the week without the antidote that only Voldemort has. That's why I had to turn you over to him. It was the only way to save myself, but that's selfish, right?"
"No, I'll do it. I want to sacrifice my life for yours."
"Oh, awesome, do you want to go now?"
"Dra-co," she whined. "You're supposed to try to stop me, or at least shed a few tears and have incredible goodbye sex with me."
"Yeah, whatever, as long as you do it."
Ravianne launched herself into his arms. "Oh, Draco this is so romantic. It's like Romeo and Juliet."
As he had his love in his arms, Draco did not feel the need to point out that this was in fact nothing like Romeo and Juliet. She suddenly pulled away. "Wait, I have a better idea. Instead of dying for you, I can round up the old gang, go to Voldy's and steal the antidote."
"I dunno. That sounds risky. Maybe we should just go with the tried and true method. I only have a week you know."
"No, it'll be great. Trust me. I have it all plan out. It's an ingenious plan and it only took me ten seconds to come up with it. Give it a chance. Please Draco." She made puppy dog eyes which usually Draco couldn't resist but today it made him think of his recently departed puppy-dog. He sat on the couch, sobbing too hard to form words. Ravianne figure he was finally crying at the thought of losing her and sat down next to him. "No, no, in this plan I won't have to die and neither will you."
"What does that have to do with my dog?"
"Oh, you must be racked with sorrow. You're not even making sense anymore. Let's get married. That will make you feel better."
"Well,… how old are we?"
"You're twenty-five and I'm seventeen. It's the perfect time to get married."
"I don't know."
Romeo and Juliet were married. Secretly. Let's get married in secret!"
"Oh, Ravianne, while you are very sexy and limber, I don't think marriage is going to work out for us."
"That's the grief talking Draco."
"No, no it's really not."
"Okay, so it's all set. I'll marry you, have the next Malfoy heir and then your father will have to love me."
"You're really not thinking this out. My father would kill you before he'd let the next heir be a halfblood."
"Dra-co!" Her bottom lip started to quiver. "Don't you want to marry me?"
Draco, feeling surprisingly lucid and in character at the moment, said, "No, I really don't."
"I think it's time for me to reveal my own horrible and life-changing secret. I'm not really muggle-born. I'm a pureblood!"
Ravianne didn't get the reaction she had hoped for. She had expected him to gasp and maybe cry out, but Draco just stared at her. "Yeah, uh, Ravianne, I still don't want to marry you."
Ravianne had no choice. She took a hammer, which was behind her back buried in the couch cushons, and hit him over the head with it. She did this every couple weeks. It keep there relationship fresh.
"Ow! Ravianne, love of my life, how could you do this to me?"
Ravianne smiled. "It was for your own good, dear." She cleared her throat. ""I think it's time for me to reveal my own horrible and life-changing secret. I'm not really muggle-born. I'm a pureblood!"
Draco gasped and cried out. "This is wonderfull now we can be married."
"Secretly. It's a secret."
"Man, my dad is totally going to have a cow whrn he finds out."
"No, no, we can't tell him."
Draco nodded "because he'll wanto to rape you."
"Well, Darling it's time for me to bid you Ado. I must go find the other… people so that we can save you're life. It won't be much of a wedding if your dead.
"No, I do not want o save that ferrets life." Said Harry.
"Harry, I know that you're bitter about losing me to Draco, but…"
It was two years earlier and Raviane had just turn fifteen. Harry was in love and now that her form had started to fill out he was no longer embarassed to be seen with her. They were at a, um,… Ministry Ball. Harry worked for the ministry. So they were out at a Ministry ball and suddenly they're song started to play.
"Harry, listen! It's our song."
They used to tell me I was building a dream
And so I followed them on
Where there was earth to plow or guns to bear
I was always there, right out on the job
They used to tell me I was building a dream
With peace and glory ahead
Why should I be standing in line
Just waiting for bread?
Once I built a railroad
Made it run, made it—
Harry and Ravianne swayed along until she said "Wait, no I was wrong. That's not our song."
Harry was sad to be pulled away from such close dancing with his love. "Oh, well, let's go sit down." Harry lead the way back to their table but when he got there he realized that Ravianne was not longer behind him. He looked across the dance floor and saw that she was dancing with his sworn enemy Draco, Malfoy. Harry marched back across the floor and said, "what are you doing with her, Draco?"
Draco sneered. "We're just dancing. There's nothing to be worried about. Yet. You shouldn't realy get worried until later when I take her up to my hotel room."
Ravianne giggled in a fawning way. Harry felt sick to his stomach. "No, she's my underage nymphette. Ravi, tell him that you're not going upstairs with him."
"Yeah, um… about that, Harry…" She said it like from Office Space. (A/N: OMG that is the best movie ever, after Hilary Duff's entire catalog. Of course.) "I'm going to have to go ahead and go with Draco. He promised to show me the O-phase."
Harry literally felt like he was fading into the background and Draco and Ravianne twirled around to the dulcet sounds of "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia."
"I'm not jealous of that poncey jerk, I just do want to save his life." Harry turned to his two best friends, Ron and Hermione. "Back me up here."
"Draco's dreamy," said Hermione breathlessly. Harry sighed. Ever since Hermione had gone to visit her American cousin and had thousands of American dollars worth of plastic surgery, she hadn't been the same. Actually she'd been a bit of a slut, but Harry didn't have the heart to tell Ron that, as Ron was quite happy thinking that Hermione's suddenly brazen behavior only applied to him.
"Yeah, I think we should let him die." Ron said eyein Hermione suspiciously.
"No! If you guys were really my friends you would risk your lives to save my boyfriend." Said Ravianne.
"Oh, I guess you're right."
"Good! Here's my plan. We sneak in to Voldemort's hiding place and, here's where it gets tricky, we steal the antidote without anyone knowing."
Ron cleared his throat. "I hate to be a party pooper, but that's not really much of a plan."
"It's a perfect plan. Shut up, Ron. Obvioulsy she was taking for granted that we would use my fathers's invisibity cloak."
"Um, yeah right. I totally remembered that." Lied Ravianne convincingly.
"Okay, then. Whatr are we waiting for?"
They all went off to Voldemorte's castle. Since ther wasn't room for him in the invisibilty cloak, ron was sent ahead as the lookout. And he tragicly dies. Hermione kept chewing her gum and shrugged. "Why did we need a lookout anywasy."
"Good point said Harry. "Let's go home, it's obviously not safe here."
"Hay Harry, when I'm done whoring around London do you want to hook up?"
"Why wait?" Harry through off the cloak and started to mall Hermy.
They narrowly escaped as jets of green and pretty purple light whizzed past them.
They all rondevoo-ed at Draco's apartment. Normally Drfaco wouldn't be so gracious, but they were all tryingto save his life. Plus, Ron had gotten killed and Draaco thought that was kewl.
Hermione looked Draco up and down. "Wow, Ravianne, do you mind if I hit that?"
"Yeah, I kinda would, Hermione."
Draco mouthed. "We'll talk later." And winked at Hermione. She was sorta attractive now that she didn't look like herself anymore. Draco went off to make his guests tea with visions of threesomes dancing in his head.
"Oh, hey Harry, I hope you don't mind. I did make it clear that I'm still a total skank, right?"
"Y'know Hermione, it's fine. I forgot athat I'm still in love with Ravianne. I don't want to hook up right now."
Then Hermione had visions of threesomes dancing in her own head, because though she wasn't normally into that. (That being other girls) Ravianne was super hot. In fact, as she looked around she thought that she wouldn't mind having sex with any combination of the three people in that apartment. She was just that sluty.
"so, anyway, let me get this straight. You didn't get the anecdote. So I'm still going to die. I think we should just let him have you, Ravianne."
"Draco, an anecdote is a cute little story. You need a—" Hermione started to giggle. "Whoa, where did that come from?"
"Draco," Harry turned around wildly, "why do you have a dead dog on your couch?"
"Well, it's a long story…"
Does Draco die? Why is there a dead dog on the couch? These questions and more might be answered in the next chapter.
OMG, I know evil cliffie… YOu just have to wait to hear about it though.
PS- DjfoeSnape, were you at the football game? I didn't see you there.
Real A/N: That's it. There won't really be another chapter. This makes my brain hurt.