Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII is property of Square-Enix.

The Greatest Story Ever Told: A Sephiroth Fanfic

Sephiroth: Oh, hello and good evening puppets… Excuse me. I meant to say "fellow readers". Hello and good evening. Join me as we embark on a journey of total disregard for plot continuity, exposition, flow and progression. Along the way, you'll run across a great deal of absurdity, ridiculousness, total inanity and a slew of retards. From here on forth, you have been warned and will most likely lose several thousand brain cells in the process. We will first start with that crazed Lockheart girl and her unhealthy obsession with the blonde haired idiot who cannot seem to manage to keep his dangerous locks down. Without further ado, I present to you-

Marlene: Uncle Sephiroth, you promised me that you'd tell me a story.

Sephiroth: Child, I am telling a story. How convenient. You may sit down and listen as well but keep in mind, if you annoy me, I will not hesitate to slit your tiny, frail throat and skewer you on a hook.

Marlene: What's "skewer" mean?

Sephiroth: It means to grace many disgusting dandelions around your pathetic, worthless body.

Marlene: Sounds neat!

Sephiroth: Indeed. Now first, I have to make sure you are mature enough for this. How old are you? Eighteen?

Marlene: Seven.

Sephiroth: Close enough. Go be a sweetie and get dear old uncle Sephiroth some Vodka. Hurry, the story is beginning! As I was saying… I present to you:

"Tifa's Story"

She wanted him and she would get him.

Peering through a pair of high tech binoculars atop the branch she was perched on, hidden behind the foliage of leaves, Tifa's sights landed on the object of her affections as she spotted him walking through the park at peace and talking to the birds.


Every time she glanced at him (or obsessively studied him, depending on how one would wish to look at it), she felt free as the wind. Her heart raced and she felt as if she was flying.

In fact, she was flying as she momentarily forget where she was and leaned back, only to experience a short fall onto a muddy patch below.

Standing up in anger, she brushed herself off and cursed at her fortune. Here was Cloud fast approaching and she was covered in mud. Praying for as much stalled time as possible, Tifa rushed over to a pond as she began wiping away traces of mud off her body and face.

Luckily for her, Cloud gave her all the time she needed as he began to get into a heated argument with a pigeon after the bird coldly turned its back on Cloud and his requests for it to eat the 'damn bread' he'd just thoughtfully bought and cut up for the stupid birds.

An ensuing fight with the pigeon and a short fine from a park ranger later allowed Cloud to continue on with his trek once more.

"Hi Cloud!" Tifa practically squealed as she jumped in front of the stricken blonde male.

Nearly having a heart attack, Cloud calmed down upon recognition of the attractive, but dangerously obsessive female. He also took notice of various traces of brown smears all across her face and white shirt.

"Tifa. Hello." He nodded in reply.

"So…" she began, clasping her hands behind her back as she giddily looked at him, her eyes turning as wide as saucers. "What're you doing?"

"Oh. Well, I was trying to feed this pigeon and he told me to piss off so we got into a heated scuffle. I almost won but the park ranger interfered. I would've won if he hadn't. Don't worry. I'll get the pigeon next time."

Tifa clutched her hands to her chest. "Oh Cloud! That's amazing! I wish I could've been there." Batting her lashes, she closed the distance between the two, her breasts colliding with his chest far before the rest of her body could. "Oops. I'm sorry," she stated innocently, putting her hand to her mouth in exaggerated manner. In the back of her mind, she smirked evilly.

Cloud was confused. He didn't understand what she wanted and why her chest had been so unbelievably soft. He just wanted to feed the pigeon. He didn't want to be here. He turned for a moment, away from Tifa, his eyes coming in contact with the pigeon's cold, hard, beady little orbs from a distance away.

Cloud frowned and the pigeon was eager to return the icy glare. They would continue this at another time. This, he was sure of.

"Cloud!" Tifa shouted, drawing his attention back to her. "How about… we go out for dinner? I know this great, great place."

"Oh…" Cloud stated, realization dawning upon him. "I really appreciate the offer but I'm really not interested at the moment. Thanks though." He stepped to the side and continued on ahead.

Tifa was furious. She was absolutely furious. She had spent weeks, and months practicing and getting up the courage to ask the man of her dreams out and he had rejected her. Aside from a few brown patches now staining her, everything had been rehearsed to an art and he had still refused.

She ran up to him, blocking his way again. "Wait! How about, anywhere you want? We can eat wherever. Forget the restaurant."

Cloud was tired. And he just wanted to kill the pigeon. That was it, nothing more. "I'm sorry; I'm not really looking to get into a relationship at the moment." With that, he walked away again.

Tifa scowled as she watched her prey walk away from her. "Oh we'll see about that Cloud Strife. You're not getting away from me at all. I WILL have you." She let out an evil and clichéd cackle, rolling her head back as her chest shook, much to the joy of numerous men strolling through the park. Realizing the attention, she crossed her arms over her chest and huffed an angry "perverts."

Tifa studied herself in the mirror as she examined her bra. Should she set them free? Perhaps Cloud liked women who preferred to not be constrained by the confines of undergarments. Maybe Cloud himself went commando.

Tifa giggled and squealed at the thought. She began to jump and down hysterically, her twins producing a hypnotic jiggle effect.

Eventually, she got bored and decided to go check on the monitors in the living room. There was Cloud, on the numerous dozens of screens scattered around the room, sleeping peacefully in his bed inside his apartment. The apartment that was only away from Tifa's grasp physically, but not visually.

Tifa sighed as she stroked the part of the screen containing his face tenderly. Her only regret was that she had been unable to somehow find a way to sneak and install miniature cameras inside Cloud's bathroom.

That's where the real money would be, Tifa thought.

She held her breath in anticipation as the love of her life got up and out of bed, in only his boxers. Oh how she wished he slept nude, at least even once. She watched him a while further as he went on about his daily routine and ate his breakfast cereal.

The second he had finished everything and had decided to leave his apartment, Tifa was out the door as well, already resuming another typical day of stalking her desired target.

Cloud was sitting alone on the bus when Tifa approached him.

"Oh, hello Cloud! I didn't know you were here!" she stated in delight, feigning surprise. "Do you mind if I sit down next to you?"

"Well, I-"

Without even waiting for an invitation, Tifa glued herself to the seat and pressed the right side of her body up against him. "Hmmm… so where are you off to today?" Flashing him a brilliant smile, she began to play with his hair.

Cloud was uncomfortable and wanted to get away from this unstable psychotic. He noticed that he was being pressed against the window further and further as she slowly advanced her body on him.

Gulping, he offered a weak smile before signaling for the next stop. "That's where I get off."

Playing with a lock of her hair as she studied his face intently, she shot him a sweet smile. "Hey, what a surprise, that's where I get off too!"

"Actually, I forgot, sorry. My stop's the next one after this one."

Completely unfazed and mesmerized by his face, she spoke again. "Oh, well mine too!"

Cloud wanted to cry. Really. Grown men don't often sob but this current scenario warranted a breakdown. "Okay, I really have to go."

Using all the force he could muster, Cloud attempted to push Tifa out of the way so he could make his way out of the section and the bus. Tifa wouldn't budge however, planting both arms around the seats to her side, effectively blocking the way. There was a fire in her eyes. "Where are you going?" she asked penetratingly.

"Um… I have to get off."

"Okay." She nodded, but still refused to let go of the seats to make way for him.

Cloud waited for a moment. Another. Nothing happened. "Um, could you move and let me move out then?"

Tifa smiled as if he'd just proposed marriage and nodded happily but still refused to actually move or let go.

"All right then…" Cloud muttered, realizing this was going nowhere fast, before literally hopping up and jumping over the seats, as ridiculous as it appeared. He quickly strode over to the front as the bus came to a halt near an intersection. "Let me out please," he asked the driver.

"No can do. Gotta wait until we reach a bus stop like everyone else."

Cloud turned to look back and saw a determined Tifa quickly making her way up front as well. "Cloud, wait! Where you going? I'll get off with you!"

Panicking, he turned back to the driver. "Let me go. Please open the doors!" He was becoming more hysterical. "I'll pay you I promise!" He quickly fished out several hundred Gil and threw it at the driver, who faced him in shock. "Just open the damn door!" he screamed.

The driver shrugged and opened the door as Cloud leapt out to freedom, striking wonderful concrete with his feet. He turned back just in time to see Tifa in the way, ready to jump out as well. "Close the door! Close the door!" he shrieked.

Thankfully, the driver listened as Tifa slammed into the closing doors while the green lights signaled for the bus to move on ahead.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Cloud peered at the bus as it slowly disappeared. Tifa, wanting to catch as much of Cloud as possible, ran all the way to the back of the bus, pressing her face and palms up against the rear window as her man slowly disappeared out of sight.

She opened the rear slit and called out before completely fading, "Don't worry Cloud, I'll get off at the next stop! Just stay there!"

Wasting no time and taking no chance, he was already taking off in the opposite direction at full speed.

He was eating lunch peacefully as Tifa watched from a table in the corner, well concealed with her thick clothes, sunhat and shades. She intently watched every move he made, from the chewing, to the swallowing, to the occasional choking from taking large bites. There were some stains of mustard and ketchup all around the sides of his mouth.

On anyone else, it would have looked disgusting and ridiculous, but on Cloud, it made him appear incredibly sexy as he innocently ate his lunch as if he were still a child.

He finished his meal and made his way outside. Tifa immediately took off after him, but not before confiscating some of the utensils and napkin's he'd used and stuffed them inside her pocket.

Outside, she immediately ran on ahead and cut Cloud off. "Hey Cloud!" she greeted cheerfully.

Cloud gulped. "Hey… Tifa."

"So…" she began playfully. "I didn't see you when you got off the bus the other day. I went back and you were gone."

Cloud seemed to be searching his thoughts nervously. "Oh… I guess I forgot."

"That's okay Cloud. I could never get mad at a cutie like you!" She pinched his cheek playfully before caressing the side of his face with one hand, the other running smoothly down his chest. She was getting carried away and she knew it but she didn't care.

"Um…" Cloud began hesitantly, backing away slightly. Tifa took another step forward, closing the distance once more. "I have to go."

"Aw… why do you always have to go?" Tifa pouted. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to avoid me."

Chuckling nervously, Cloud tugged on the collar of his shirt. "W- what gave you that idea?" he stammered.

She shrugged and completely closed the space between them, wrapping her arms around his back and pulling his face in towards the evil but delicious twins.

Cloud found himself in a very soft, warm and nice place and as much as he wanted to stay, he had to get out. He pushed himself away. "Tifa, I told you, I'm not interested."

Stomping her foot on the ground angrily, Tifa seethed. "Why are you making this so difficult? I like you. I want you. Isn't that obvious? Can't you see we'd be perfect together?"

Cloud digressed. "Look, I'm sure you're a lovely lady and all but I'm not really looking for anyone at the moment."

Tifa's eyes narrowed into slits as her voice dropped to a dangerous level. "Oh you're not looking at anyone all right because the only girl you'll ever be looking at is me." She began to approach him once more, now in deadly fashion.

Cloud was scared. Really, really scared. So he did what any sane man would do in such a similar situation: he ran. He ran like the dickens.

He was off, in a full fledged sprint as he made his way down the street. Turning around, he caught sight of a menacing Tifa as she took off after him with unreal speed and agility. She was like that robot from Terminator.

Cloud ran for the safety of his life while Tifa chased after her prey, ignoring all bystanders across the way as she smashed through them relentlessly, bringing them all down to the floor.

She was closing in and a crack of a smile formed on her lips. She was within striking range as Cloud rounded a corner. He slipped for a moment over a newspaper and stumbled, allowing Tifa more time to catch up.

'Yes, that's right. You'll be mine soon Cloud Strife.' she thought evilly, millions of explicit thoughts dancing around in her head as she contemplated possible scenarios that could take place between the two of them behind closed doors.

Cloud heaved and panted as he frantically made his way through the crowd. How was she so fast? He didn't understand. She was gaining in on him and he was doomed. Doomed.

There was no way out. He wasn't going to make it and soon she would be all over him. The horror!

It seemed as if someone up above loved him at the moment for he spotted public bathrooms inside a small shopping outlet behind the large glass windows. It was all the way across the street however and that would mean dodging incoming traffic.

The move was risky and it would either be highly probable death or fall prey to Tifa.

The answer was obvious and a no-brainer at that as he carelessly jumped into the street, half praying he would get hit in the process. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for him, his little stunt eventually ended up evading traffic at all costs. He successfully crossed the street, allowing himself a moment to catch his breath as a triumphant look accompanied his features. There were more cars now as the lights turned green. Surely Tifa wouldn't think of crossing now.

Standing across on the other side of the street as the numerous cars whizzed by, Tifa's narrowed eyes bore into Cloud's. Without another pause and without taking her eyes off of him, like a mad cheetah, she bolted forward, expertly dodging and avoiding all cars as her feline agility and grace allowed her to close in on her target.

Cloud gasped in horror and took off into the shopping outlet. She was some kind of… crazy… acrobatic… stalker… woman… thing!

The men's bathroom! Sweet, sweet sanctuary! Surely, even a woman as deranged as Tifa wouldn't break the universal code barring anyone of the opposite sex entering a specific gender assigned bathroom.

He was safe… for now.

Tifa stopped and watched disdainfully as Cloud calmly entered the men's bathroom, giving her a final satisfied glance before disappearing inside.

Tifa Lockheart knew she had lost this battle. She had lost the battle but not the war.

"And some high tension rope, the kind you can grapple with. And some rope you can tie up others in." She paused to think for a second. "But nothing too rough. I want something that's strong but soft and easy on the skin. It's for someone special and I don't want to hurt him."

The store owner stared at her peculiarly and shrugged. "Sure ma'am, whatever you want."

"And some chloroform, some tranquilizer darts and a tranq gun to go with that. Also, a lock breaking kit. Umm…" Tifa paused for a moment, rubbing her chin in thought as she looked up. "And a sneak suit perhaps. Something really tight that accentuates my curves."

"Sure ma'am."

"Got any sex toys as well?"

"We're a weapons and tactics store ma'am. We don't sell sex toys."

"Sure, that's what they all say."

She stood over the ledge on the adjacent roof, peering down at the entrance to Cloud's building. Perched in a catlike position and with nightvision goggles equipped, Tifa awaited her prey.

Her eyes lit up as Cloud exit the apartment building on his way out to dinner. Little did he know that the only dinner Tifa planned on him having was her.

She immediately went to work as Cloud moved into the scarcely populated streets. Firing the cable with a spear attached to the end towards the lower part of the adjacent building, she grappled down and swung over Cloud before dropping into a perfectly executed somersault directly in front of him.

Her eyes narrowed as an evil smirk took her features. "Hello Cloud…"

Cloud's eyes widened and he immediately retreated, taking off like a frightened kitten back towards his apartment.

Tifa watched him retreat with amusement, not bothering to rush after him. She hummed a calm melody as she carefully loaded up the tranquilizer gun before eventually taking off after him.

"Oh where, oh where, could my Cloud be?" she called in a sing song voice.

Cloud screamed at the top of his lungs. "Help! I'm about to be raped!

He made it to his apartment complex as he frantically allowed himself inside, quickly running over to the elevator as he mashed the buttons for it to come down. He looked back for a second and to his horror, saw an old man walking out of the building, allowing Tifa to enter.

"No! No! Don't let her in!"

The old man looked at Tifa in confusion who smiled sweetly in return. "We're just having some relationship problems."

"Oh." He smiled. "You seem like such a sweet girl. I hope you two kids work it out."

"Oh don't worry, we will…" She smirked as she eyed Cloud before he ran inside the elevator that had descended.

Tifa let out a chuckle as she rubbed her hands together. Poor Cloud. Little did he know that he was falling perfectly into her little plan. Without another second's hesitation, she took off upwards through the stairs.

Cloud was nearly hyperventilating and was in for the surprise of his life when the elevator doors opened up on his floor.

"Surprise." Tifa greeted evilly.

"Ahhhhh!" Cloud screamed like a little girl and signaled for the elevator to close once more.

It was too late. Tifa shot the tranquilizer directly at Cloud's chest and she rushed in, wrestling him to the floor as the doors closed.

Several moments passed before the doors opened revealing a triumphant looking Tifa carrying an unconscious Cloud slung over her shoulder.

With the lock breaking kit, she had no trouble getting inside his residence without any suspicion.

Cloud woke up with his hands and feet tied to all the corners of the bed. He had to admit, that despite the tightness of the rope, it was pretty comfortable. His eyes widened as figure dressed in a revealing corset approached him.

"Hello darling…" Tifa purred.

He wanted to scream but found his sounds to be muffled as he noticed his mouth had been taped shut with duct tape. He shook his head frantically as Tifa straddled his hips.

"We're going to have so much fun tonight Cloud." Tifa whispered excitedly like a little school girl, pinching his cheek affectionately. "I told you, no one escapes Tifa Lockheart."

Sephiroth: And so, as we exit the closed doors of Cloud's room, we hear the pleasurable moaning noises of one female and the muffled screams of another as they engaged in a long and tiring night of dirty put protected, mind blowing sex. And thus, they both lived happily ever after in eac-

Marlene: But Uncle Sephiroth! Cloud wasn't happy at all! He didn't want to be with Tifa!

Sephiroth: Child, are you telling the story or am I?

Marlene: You are…

Sephiroth: Correct. Now, if I say he was happy then let us all agree that he was quite content with his predicament. Agreed?

Marlene: Yes Uncle Sephiroth…

Sephiroth: Good. Now go be a sweetie and fetch another bottle of Vodka for your beloved Uncle. And hurry up! The next story's set to begin soon.

Marlene: What story Uncle Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Next, we will be embarking on another mindless rampage with that crazed loner, emo Goth vampire, Vincent Valentine and God knows what else residing within his body.

Marlene: Yay for randomness and discontinuity!

Sephiroth: Go before I kill you.