GOD vs. GOD
The setting sun cast red streaks across the sky. A flock
of birds lazily flew over the green island below. The villagers went about
their evening routines, calmly gathering their work tools, collecting the
caught fish, preparing dinner for the young ones.
A single sheep plodded along its way, occasionally
lowering its head to munch a blade of grass off the ground.
Its ear flicked. One or two neurons fired up in the
murkiness of its sheep mind.
Its eyelids slowly rose high enough for its eyes to peer
out at the source of the noise.
Its brain gradually ceased control again. New things went
through its mind, particularly regret that it didn't listen to its mother's
stories of gigantic cows on two legs.
Adrenalin surged through its wooly body as its four legs
powered as fast as they could. It got as far as three meters before the huge
cow bent down and tipped the poor sheep over.
"Moo," said the giant cow again, apparently taking great
delight in this accomplishment.
DAMMIT BORIS! ARE YOU TERRORIZING HELPLESS ANIMALS
The cow looked up. A swirling green symbol hung suspended
in the air, a hand hovering a few feet away from it.
"Moo!" said the cow cheerfully, enjoying the attention it
was getting from its master.
QUIET! SHUSH! HE'LL HEAR US, HIM AND HIS BLASTED-
passed. The panicky sheep dared to open its eyes to check if they were still
there, only to be greeted by yet another unpleasant sight. A leopard, slightly
larger than the cow, had stepped into view, a red symbol floating just above
BAGEROH, I BELIEVE I WAS EXPLICITLY CLEAR ON THIS.
YOUR SIDE IS THERE AND MINE IS HERE.
symbol fluttered from left to right in erratic movements, which somehow
PAGIGI. I SEE YOUR LEOPARD HAS GROWN QUITE A BIT,
AS HAS YOUR COW. WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS IN MY BLOODY
TERRITORY, TORMENTING MY BLOODY SHEEP!
…YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT SHEEP BELONGS TO THE
VILLAGERS, NOT YOU… said Bageroh
sulkily. The cow was overjoyed at the amount of attention it was receiving. The
sheep never wanted to be so invisible its whole life.
IRRELEVANT! spat Pagigi. YOU COME HERE WITH
YOUR DAMN ITALICS AND YOUR TROUBLESOME COW… I OUGHT TO MAKE PARDUS TAKE HIM OUT
THAT MEASLY LEOPARD? HAH! MY COW WILL WHOOP HIM ON THE
"Moo?" inquired the cow, facing the leopard in front
"Purrr…" rumbled the leopard.
YOUR VOICE BETRAYS YOUR NERVOUSNESS, BAGEROH. I SENSE
THAT YOUR COW HAS YET TO LEARN THE FIREBALL MIRACLE, SOMETHING PARDUS IS A
HE'S JUST HAVING LEARNING PROBLEMS,
THAT'S ALL! declared Bageroh
defensively. AT LEAST HE KNOWS THE FOREST MIRACLE OFF BY HEART,
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOURS…
The cow walked closer to the leopard, keeping eye
"Purrr," said the leopard, bending over and picking up a
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FLOCK OF BIRDS MIRACLE REAPS THE MOST BELIEF! AND
PARDUS CAN PERFORM THAT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED!
NO HE CAN'T!
ALRIGHT, MAYBE WITH HIS NOT EYES CLOSED… BUT HE CAN
STILL DO IT!
The leopard grinned at the cow, still holding the rock
in its hands.
"Moo ooo oo?" asked the cow.
"Hrrr… rowl!" said the leopard. He came closer, still
cradling the small rock, and offered it to the cow.
YOU TIRE ME WITH THIS POINTLESS DRIVEL… I ALWAYS
KNEW YOU WERE A WEAKLING, PAGIGI.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH! YOUR TEMPLE IS FAR SMALLER THAN MINE,
SO I HEAR! AND WE ALL KNOW, SIZE DOES MATTER!
I DENY THAT! yelled Bageroh. …IT'S JUST THE COLD WEATHER, THAT'S ALL… he
Boris the Cow examined the rock given to him, looked up
and smiled at the leopard.
He turned around, surveying the landscape, spotted a
growing tree and uprooted it. He quickly waddled back and presented it,
grinning from ear to ear.
COLD WEATHER INDEED! YOU ARE ONE SAD, SAD GOD,
BAGEROH. IT WOULD BE JUSTIFIABLE DIETY-CIDE TO WIPE YOU OUT!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!
IT IS NOW! DIETY-CIDE, DIETY-CIDE, DIETY-CIDE!
YOU SMELL OF DUNG!
YOU REEK OF FOUL, FESTERING FUNGUS, RECENTLY DIGESTED
AND REGURGITATED BY AN ARTHRITIC SKUNK!
I… WELL… YOU… DAMN! YOU GOT ME THERE.
The two titans glanced up and decided the chaos going
on above their heads was not interesting enough.
"Moo," said Boris, beckoning Pardus to follow him.
"Hrrr?" inquired Pardus.
"Moo," repeated Boris and put his arm around the
leopard's shoulder. The two walked off, leaving the quibbling gods behind.