GOD vs. GOD

            The setting sun cast red streaks across the sky. A flock of birds lazily flew over the green island below. The villagers went about their evening routines, calmly gathering their work tools, collecting the caught fish, preparing dinner for the young ones.

            A single sheep plodded along its way, occasionally lowering its head to munch a blade of grass off the ground.

            CRASH.

            Its ear flicked. One or two neurons fired up in the murkiness of its sheep mind.

            STOMP.

            Its eyelids slowly rose high enough for its eyes to peer out at the source of the noise.

            It boggled.

            Its brain gradually ceased control again. New things went through its mind, particularly regret that it didn't listen to its mother's stories of gigantic cows on two legs.

            "Moo."

            Adrenalin surged through its wooly body as its four legs powered as fast as they could. It got as far as three meters before the huge cow bent down and tipped the poor sheep over.

            "Moo," said the giant cow again, apparently taking great delight in this accomplishment.

            DAMMIT BORIS! ARE YOU TERRORIZING HELPLESS ANIMALS AGAIN?

            The cow looked up. A swirling green symbol hung suspended in the air, a hand hovering a few feet away from it.

            "Moo!" said the cow cheerfully, enjoying the attention it was getting from its master.

            QUIET! SHUSH! HE'LL HEAR US, HIM AND HIS BLASTED-

            BAGEROH!

            A silence passed. The panicky sheep dared to open its eyes to check if they were still there, only to be greeted by yet another unpleasant sight. A leopard, slightly larger than the cow, had stepped into view, a red symbol floating just above it.

            BAGEROH, I BELIEVE I WAS EXPLICITLY CLEAR ON THIS. YOUR SIDE IS THERE AND MINE IS HERE.

            The green symbol fluttered from left to right in erratic movements, which somehow conveyed irritation.

            PAGIGI. I SEE YOUR LEOPARD HAS GROWN QUITE A BIT, YES?

            AS HAS YOUR COW. WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS IN MY BLOODY TERRITORY, TORMENTING MY BLOODY SHEEP!

            YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT SHEEP BELONGS TO THE VILLAGERS, NOT YOU… said Bageroh sulkily. The cow was overjoyed at the amount of attention it was receiving. The sheep never wanted to be so invisible its whole life.

            IRRELEVANT! spat Pagigi. YOU COME HERE WITH YOUR DAMN ITALICS AND YOUR TROUBLESOME COW… I OUGHT TO MAKE PARDUS TAKE HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!

            THAT MEASLY LEOPARD? HAH! MY COW WILL WHOOP HIM ON THE SPOT.

            "Moo?" inquired the cow, facing the leopard in front of him.

            "Purrr…" rumbled the leopard.

            YOUR VOICE BETRAYS YOUR NERVOUSNESS, BAGEROH. I SENSE THAT YOUR COW HAS YET TO LEARN THE FIREBALL MIRACLE, SOMETHING PARDUS IS A PROFESSIONAL AT!

            HE'S JUST HAVING LEARNING PROBLEMS, THAT'S ALL! declared Bageroh defensively. AT LEAST HE KNOWS THE FOREST MIRACLE OFF BY HEART, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOURS…

            The cow walked closer to the leopard, keeping eye contact.

            "Purrr," said the leopard, bending over and picking up a small rock.

            HAH! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE FLOCK OF BIRDS MIRACLE REAPS THE MOST BELIEF! AND PARDUS CAN PERFORM THAT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED!

            NO HE CAN'T!

            ALRIGHT, MAYBE WITH HIS NOT EYES CLOSED… BUT HE CAN STILL DO IT!

                The leopard grinned at the cow, still holding the rock in its hands.

            "Moo ooo oo?" asked the cow.

            "Hrrr… rowl!" said the leopard. He came closer, still cradling the small rock, and offered it to the cow.

            YOU TIRE ME WITH THIS POINTLESS DRIVEL… I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A WEAKLING, PAGIGI.

            SHUT YOUR MOUTH! YOUR TEMPLE IS FAR SMALLER THAN MINE, SO I HEAR! AND WE ALL KNOW, SIZE DOES MATTER!

            I DENY THAT! yelled Bageroh. …IT'S JUST THE COLD WEATHER, THAT'S ALL… he continued, quietly.

            Boris the Cow examined the rock given to him, looked up and smiled at the leopard.

            He turned around, surveying the landscape, spotted a growing tree and uprooted it. He quickly waddled back and presented it, grinning from ear to ear.

            COLD WEATHER INDEED! YOU ARE ONE SAD, SAD GOD, BAGEROH. IT WOULD BE JUSTIFIABLE DIETY-CIDE TO WIPE YOU OUT!

            THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!

            IT IS NOW! DIETY-CIDE, DIETY-CIDE, DIETY-CIDE!

            YOU'RE STUPID!

            YOU'RE UGLY!

            YOU SMELL OF DUNG!

            YOU REEK OF FOUL, FESTERING FUNGUS, RECENTLY DIGESTED AND REGURGITATED BY AN ARTHRITIC SKUNK!

            I… WELL… YOU… DAMN! YOU GOT ME THERE.

            The two titans glanced up and decided the chaos going on above their heads was not interesting enough.

            "Moo," said Boris, beckoning Pardus to follow him.

            "Hrrr?" inquired Pardus.

            "Moo," repeated Boris and put his arm around the leopard's shoulder. The two walked off, leaving the quibbling gods behind.