Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry.

This is a gift for Nicola-235, whose birthday is today. Happy birthday! She requested Dante and Trish, with kids. She's also done a fic with them and kids, go read it!

This fic has crack (which is internet slang for insane humor).

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Thank goodness for Nevan. He'd never gotten the talk from his parents, nor had Trish gotten it from Mundus, and it probably wouldn't have included obstetrics. And he didn't dare take either of them in to a human doctor, what if they drew blood or… something? Found something that showed they weren't human?

Sure, there were people who covered that sort of thing up and they owed him several (the world did) but with all the media around these days, it could be all over the internet in five minutes.

But Nevan knew all about pregnancies from when she'd been the head of Mundus' succubi, and he'd summoned her up in a hurry after Trish had chased him through the house and damn near killed him. She was a woman… thing, right? She'd know about this sort of thing?

He'd thought it was just PMS or something after Trish had snapped out of it and hugged him, begging forgiveness. Good thing he found out otherwise.

So Trish was put on a diet of raw meat, and Dante had to search all over the internet for the ingredients to a tonic Nevan assured him guaranteed children would be born healthy. He thought it tasted gross but Trish liked it like he liked tomato juice or ice cream and would drink it all if he didn't watch her, then he'd have to order more ingredients quick so Nevan could make another batch.

This wasn't the underworld, though, which was a big problem. The underworld was filled with demonic energy that Trish should have been feeding on to supplement whatever she caught and ate. Sort of like swimming in stew. Earth was like a very thin broth. Or American beer. Practically water.

So she needed to get more energy. One part of this he liked: she was damn horny, jumping his bones at the weirdest times.

The other part made him pout. She needed a lot of pain and death too, the energy he used to devil trigger, so she needed to kill as many demons as possible. Which meant he didn't get to kill them. Before, they'd split fifty-fifty, being partners, but now he just stood there and kept a paranoid eye on her while she got to kill them all. She made a big show of how she was having a ton of fun doing so too, the bitch.

She was also decorating the nursery. Black, with red, purple, and blue.

Three of them, Nevan had assured him. He'd been all, three! But demons had litters: the underworld was a hard place to live to grow up, so the more kids you had the more likely enough would survive. It was only his human blood, and the fact they were both devils, not regular demons, keeping it to three strong ones instead of three hundred weak ones that would take centuries to mature into adults (like Nevan and her bats).

The birth had been quick but not exactly painless: Nevan had given her the right potion and they'd all, to escape being poisoned, clawed their way out of her. Trish had clawed at Dante. At least it hadn't taken a day and a half, Trish had remarked wryly later, having read up on human pregnancy and decided firmly she was going with this method.

A boy who, according to Nevan, was one devil sex (the one Dante was) and a girl who was the opposite one (the one Trish was, that worked out well): the second girl was a neuter demon and her children would only inherit human blood from her.

Vergil (blue), Eva (red), and he couldn't exactly name her Sparda, she'd be teased, so he named her Kate, which sounded like Katana, which was a sword and Sparda also sounded like the Latin word for sword. She got purple. Trish said it was a bad pun, hit him, and said that now he'd memorialized his family she was going to get to pick the next set of names.

That was going to be a while, according to Nevan: her and Trish's breed of demon went into heat every five hundred seventeen years or so. Trish had thanked the God of Time.

He assigned Agni to Eva, Rudra to Vergil, and Nevan to Kate, since they were running a business here and couldn't exactly bring the kids along with them while they were saving the world. Nannies he didn't have to pay, who thought it was cute when the kids electrified them, bit them… thank goodness. Between the three of them the property damage didn't bankrupt him.

When they were four he decided they had damn well learn how to get along with normal people. Kids their own age. Having a nightmare vision of a room full of kids with their hair standing on end and right arms ripped off by handshakes, he put a spell on them to limit them to human strength and block their electric powers.

This made them refuse to speak to him for as long as it took them to make friends at the park.

Kate came home crying once because someone had teased her that purple was the gay color and after that wore only black. He wanted to strangle that kid!

They'd all been born with blue eyes and straw-pale hair and it was practically impossible to tell them apart. When they started going to school, they switched places constantly. Dante wished he and Vergil had the chance to do that, they'd been home schooled. He'd considered that, but, well… after Vergil, the more they learned to like normal humans the better. They stopped switching around in high school: first Kate refused to share her ceramics class, then next semester Eva discovered auto shop and she and Dante built a motorcycle together.

They all got along great, which was a relief after Vergil. Sure, they shot, electrocuted and impaled each other but it was just for fun, training.

The first big fight was over Eva and Vergil having a crush on the same girl.

The first big fight was when Mundus couldn't stand Sparda's line growing any longer, and sent Nelo Angelo to ambush Kate at a goth club.

Having two Vergils was confusing for a while.