The Woes of PotC Characters

Part One: (Paternity Issues, a DNA Test, and slapping)

This is my first attempt to post in here and also, in fact, the first fanfiction I ever wrote. It's supposed to be humorous, and not to be taken seriously. These are about what I think of the repeated issues/jokes in Dead Man's Chest, as discussed by the actual PotC characters. This first chapter includes Will questioning whether or not Bootstrap is really his father, and Will gets to slap Jack!

Disclaimer: If the PotC franchise belonged to me, I would be extremely rich. However, I'm not rich, so go figure.

Summary: All major PotC characters, such as Jack, Will, Barbossa, Elizabeth, Norrington, Beckett, Tia Dalma, etc., sit down together to compare their fates in CotBP and DMC. Definite spoilers for both movies. First time fic, so don't be too harsh. R&R.


1. I'm not a native English speaker, so I apologize in advance for any language mistakes. However, this story has been beta-ed by Jinxeh. All mistakes are mine, all credits are hers.

2. I've seen CotBP only 2.5 times, and DMC only once, so I may make some mistakes in accuracy and canon. Sorry about that. It is a parody, so please don't take it too seriously.

3. If some opinions sound eerily like your own, they probably are. I make no profit in it, so please don't sue.

4. Since this is a parody, the characters are likely to seem OOC. It's also hard to get the manner of speech correct for each of them, especially for Jack and Tia Dalma. (See note 1).

5. I realize the actual characters aren't very unlikely to just sit down together like this, so please work on your suspension of disbelief. This fic is more likely to occur than skeleton pirates, however, or a crew consisting of dead men with sea creatures growing on their faces. Even though those were pretty cool…

Sorry for the long-winded notes!

In The Faithful Bride, there existed a rather large, odd crowd of different varieties of people, including mostly pirates, a blacksmith, two females (or three, if you consider a female pirate as simply a female, rather than just as a pirate), in addition to some rather important-looking people—judging by the different degrees of their wigs and pompousness—some Navy men without wigs, some cannibals, a dog, a parrot, and a monkey. As if this wasn't weird enough already, there also existed some strange people with seaweed and varying sea creatures growing on their pale, sometimes green faces.

They all sat together around a large table, all drinking different things (though mostly rum), but there was also some brandy, vodka, wine, orange juice, water, and even milk present in their tin and wooden mugs. How some of the people had managed to smuggle the last three drinks into the tavern is not part of this tale, as implausible as it is—and for that matter, who was drinking what isn't important either, though it doesn't really matter anyway, as the author honestly doesn't know the specific drink preferences for everyone there, except for two people's addiction to rum.

One of the two people with the rum addiction, Captain Jack Sparrow, went ahead and started the small talk.

Jack: I, Captain Jack Sparrow, the best pirate in the Caribbean, the most charming pirate that ever graced this planet, the ladies' man, the …

James (Norrington): All right, could we just cut through the small talk and get to the point, please? After all, I have some pirates to catch.

(All of the people who consider themselves pirates unconsciously inch further from

James, even though they'd kept a longer-than-ten-swords-away distance from him in the first place.)

Jack: Norry, my mate, why the rush? I thought we had some understandings about all this!

James: I am not your mate, and do not call me "Norry". And what understanding? I understand that you are a pirate, and you understand that I am a commodo-… common pirate-hater, and possibly hanger, if that is what you meant…

Will: Could you two stop bickering, please? Why did you call us here, Jack?

Jack: Ah, my eunuchy Will. What I want to say is …

Will: I am not a eunuch! How many times do I have to tell you? Eunuchy is not even a word!

Jack: Yes, it is.

Beckett: Please, you are all so childish.

Jack: And you're so mature, Becky? Whatever. Anyway, what I want to say here has to do with the success of DMC. A lot of the audience have compared the stories between the two movies, some are happy…and some are disappointed. But I want to know what you think about your characters; were you were happy about them? By the way, I'm asking this so I can send this input to the movie-makers, so they can improve the third one. Gettin' paid a hefty sum too, heh…

Elizabeth: What are you talking about? What's DMC? What audience? What's a movie? I didn't even know that you could form such long sentences without using any piratical terms, Jack!

(The rest of them are also wondering about the same things, but they don't want to make themselves look like idiots, so they keep their mouths shut.)

Jack: My darling Liz, I cannot answer your questions, as that would mean I'd have to kill you afterwards. I don't want to do that, as I know at least three people here won't be happy if I kill you. Then again, more might be happier if I did. However, two out of three who would care are good swordsmen and I would rather not experience the waterwheel scene again. Banging my head on the wheel was rather painful, after all.

Elizabeth: (pouts) Who'd be happy if I die?

(A few of the people snigger. Elizabeth glares at them.)

Elizabeth: Who is the third person?

Gov. Swann: Elizabeth, darling, how could you forget about me?

Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry father, I just left you with Mercer and rather forgot that you care about me despite the fact that you rescued me from the jail, and everything.

Barbossa: Could we continue, please?

Jack: Thanks, my treacherous ex-first mate! Ignore all Elizabeth's questions, everyone, and please focus on what you think of your characters in both movies.

Beckett, Tia Dalma, Anamaria, Davy Jones and his crew, some Navy guys: But…we weren't in both movies….

Elizabeth: How do you guys know about this movie thingy, anyway?

Lt. Groves (representing all the characters above): We just know. It's sort of embedded in our subconsciousness. We still don't know what a movie is, but we sort of know our answers instinctively.

Elizabeth: That is a lot of big words from you, Lieutenant Groves. I'm not sure I understood half of them.

Sao Feng: I haven't even appeared in any movie yet. I don't even know my role! Why am I here?

Jack: Well, you will be in the third movie. Mates, forget what I said about both movies. As long as you were, or will be, in any PotC movies, you were invited.

Beckett: Thank you, Jack, for gathering most of my enemies here. Can I kill most of you after this meeting?

Barbossa: Hey, that's my job!

Davy Jones: No, it's mine!

(Some people start to withdraw their swords, pistols, or any other weapons, and aim them at Beckett, Barbossa, and Davy Jones.)

Jack: Guys, guys…there's no killing here! Especially killing of me! I'll start first, then. I don't have many complaints. I got to kiss the girl, after all. (grins)

(Will and James glare at him.)

Jack: Why are you two glaring at me? She kissed me first!

James: Oh, were you just an innocent bystander again? You never flirted and encouraged her, she just did that at of her own accord, did she? (rolls eyes)

Jack: Why Norry understand me so well! I'm honoured.

Will: Hey, I'm the official fiancé here! I demand an explanation!

Elizabeth: It was just a trap, Will. So that the Kraken wouldn't kill us all.

Will: I still don't understand…

Elizabeth: Well…truthfully, I kissed him so that I could chain him into the mast of the Black Pearl. I still love you…I think. (scratches head)

James: Thank God you never thought of kissing me. If you ever consider it, let me know in advance. I'll need to make sure there aren't any dangerous objects in which to chain me to within the vicinity.

(Elizabeth smiles sheepishly, and Will glares at James.)

Jack: Hey, I was the one being endangered by the kiss, here! Oh, wait, I remember now…I have some grievances after all! I might be dead now, thanks to your "girl", Will, (smiles ruefully at Liz) and I lost me Black Pearl. (sighs) There's also no rum. Oh, wait…never mind! (grins)

Will: Wait, you can't be dead if you're right here now…can you?

Jack: Hey, work on your suspension of disbelief. Who's next?

Will: Next for what?

Jack: (sighs) For the next invoice of what you all think of your characters. Bloody eunuch…

Will: Oh, that. We sort of got off-track here, with so many diversions. Anyway…I'll say mine then, shall I? (clears throat) Thanks to certain people, I am not married yet… and my fiancée has even kissed another man!

Elizabeth: Will, how many times do I have to say it was a trap?

Will: Sorry, Elizabeth, but I win the angst game. I thought my father was dead, but then he was alive, though creepy-looking, and he whipped me!

Bootstrap Bill: But son, that was for your own good!

Will: I know, Dad, but I still have to say it - we're comparing notes now. Not to mention the shock when I discovered the state he was in when I first saw him. People said I look like him, but I sure don't see any resemblance. Where's the proof he's my real father, anyway? We may need some DNA tests…

Elizabeth: I think I'm getting a migraine. What's a DNA test?

Jack: What did I say about asking questions, Liz? Anyway, Bootstrap Bill is your father; Barbossa will confirm it. I don't know why I said previously that you looked like him, but Barbossa also thought so. Perhaps I was drunk at that time. Well, more than likely, I was. (grins)

Barbossa: Hey, don't bring me into this paternity issue! He really is your father though, despite the lack of resemblance.

Bootstrap Bill: Will…I am your father (author grins- couldn't help it, mate).

Will: Okay…since three people say so, I'll just accept it. It's easier that way. Oh, since it's still my turn, there's also the matter of me wanting to release my father, but some people just wanted the heart for their own selfish purposes. (glares pointedly at Jack and James)

(Jack suddenly looks deeply into his bottle of rum as if he's found some deep inspiration there. James appears suddenly concerned about his slightly crumpled sleeves.)

Will: Okay, I'm done for now. Oh no, wait, one more thing…Jack, instead of you, I got slapped by a few wenches in your place.

Elizabeth: (narrowing her eyes suspiciously at Will) Why? What did you do to them, Will? And here's me feeling guilty for kissing Jack

Will: There's nothing in it, Miss Swa- Elizabeth. I merely asked them for Jack's whereabouts, and was suddenly slapped! They asked me to send this message right along to Jack, which I will do now.

(Will comes over to Jack.)

Will: (slaps Jack) This is from Scarlett. This is from Giselle, (slaps him again) and this is from me! (punches him).

Jack: Oi, I did not deserve that…except perhaps the last one.

(Everyone, except Jack, sniggers.)