Disclaimer: I do not own PotC. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, and I am most certainly not her.
Now it's Murtogg, Mullroy, Pintel, Ragetti, Jack the monkey, Cotton's parrot, and the dog's turn!
Jack: I think we've covered enough of the "He-I-Shall-Not-Name", and such. Would anyone else like to complain?
Will: Wait…you mean that Voldemort just voiced his complaint? When? How come I didn't hear it? Where is he? (looks around edgily)
Jack: (shakes his head) No, Will. Voldemort is "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". I said "He-I-Shall-Not-Name", so they are different people, savvy?
Gibbs: It's bad luck to mention the Dark Lord's name! It might bring him here!
Will: See, see, Gibbs also refers to Voldemort!
James: (rolls eyes) Oh, please. Who Jack meant by "He-I-Shall-Not-Name" was Beckett. And Gibbs, you are not a Death Eater, only a pirate, so do not need to call Voldemort the Dark Lord. He's only a fictitious villain. Besides, we need to move on now before non-Harry Potter readers start to abandon reading the rest of this chapter.
(The author has to thank James for that.)
Jack: Wow, Norry, you do understand me a lot.
Mullroy: But we thought the Black Pearl and the undead pirates were fictitious, but they weren't, were they? Were they? I'm so confused…
Murtogg: Of course, they were fictitious! They weren't undead! Otherwise, how could we manage to shoot and catch them? We don't see the Black Pearl at the moment, do we?
James: My god, if this is going to be another long day of hearing them arguing, I want some aspirin…except that it hasn't been invented yet. Damn.
Jack: Hey, Mullroy and Murtogg are like the nice twins of Pintel and Ragetti, doppelgängers.
Will: Er, what do you mean by nice twins? Doesn't that usually involve evil twins? And what's a doppelgänger?
Jack: Well, a nice twin is the opposite of an evil twin; there are two of them on each side, so I call them twins. Doppelgänger is like the body double, or look-alike of a person.
Will: You're carrying your literary dictionary today, aren't you, Jack?
Jack: (grins) No, I just read the Word of the Day from Google this morning, and just learned about doppelgänger.
Ragetti: Do you mean that Pintel and I look like those two there, except we're the evil ones? How come we're the evil ones? Why not them?
Pintel: Yes, they don't have any wooden eyes or beard, so they can't be our doubles! How come they get to be the nice ones?
James: Hey, that's because they're in the Navy, so they are supposed to be the nice ones, savvy? Oops, did I just say savvy? (James covers his face with his hands; Jack grins more widely) I think the right term would be the nice 'quadruplets'; I'm not too sure if quadruplet is with or without an "s", though.
Elizabeth: Yes, I can see your point now, Jack. Pintel and Ragetti on one side, and Murtogg and Mullroy on the other side keeps pointless arguing balanced, so they're like two sides of the same coin!
Jack: Good, now that everyone agrees, could we actually move on to the discussion about the woes, please? Hey, nice twins or quadruplets, do you have any complaints? How about the evil twins or quadruplets? Norry, can I just use twins, instead? Having to keep saying quadruplets makes my tongue twist, and I have just had four bottles of rum, so I'm not in the best shape for tongue twisters at the moment…
James: Why do I even care? I've hung around you so much I've started speaking like you. Yes, you can use whatever terms you want, while I try to remove my new pirate vocabulary from my head….
Jack: It can't be that bad, mate. I mean, hanging around pirates is not that bad—hanging pirates is very, very bad, though.
Beckett: No, it's not bad. I mean the latter one; hanging pirates, is in fact very good; I don't care much about the former one, the "hanging around pirates" part.
(All pirates or pirate wannabes stare at Beckett. If only staring could kill, the job of the author would be done.)
Jack: Shut up, You-I-Shall-Not-Name…ah, using Becky is shorter, actually, back to Becky, then. I was just experimenting with different ways of expressing myself. Becky, I didn't ask for your opinions, savvy? Okay, nice or evil twins? Any complaints?
Ragetti: I never get my new glass eye. It's just my luck I got caught after we weren't cursed no more. Why didn't I buy a glass eye before DMC started? Oh, wait, we were on the run and we did not have money. I knew it. I shouldn't spend my last hard earned doubloon on that Bible. How come I suffered the same fate in the first and the second movie?
Jack: Well, at least you didn't suffer a worse fate, like Norry. You should be happy. Count your blessings, and all that stuff. You weren't eaten or drowned by the Kraken like the rest of my crew, because you appeared in the first movie, so the filmmakers decided to keep you as the comic relief!
(James doesn't comment on being called Norry, as he's still trying to remove the pirate vocabulary from his head. Poor him, does he not know it's easy to pick up bad habits, but harder to remove them?)
Pintel: How about me? How come I'm still stuck with Ragetti? Can't I have a better sidekick? Well, that is pretty much what I needed to say.
Jack: Hey, you were not the main protagonist like me, so you can't have a new sidekick. Well, the audience can't imagine Ragetti without Pintel, and vice versa, so you have to be together anyway. I was, in fact, surprised to see that both of you appeared in DMC at all. As for addressing your complaint, same reply as Ragetti's: see the above. I can't keep repeating the same things over and over again, savvy?
Mullroy: At least they appeared at DMC, unlike Murtogg and me. I still can't confirm the existence of Black Pearl, undead pirates, or if Jack Sparrow really had been to Singapore! Now, there's the myth of the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones, and the Kraken as well! My poor brain can't cope with so many legends in one story! Not to mention the earlier discussion about Harry Potter, who I can't confirm the existence of, either…
Jack: That's Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you very much. For the record, I have been to Singapore. How come nobody believed me when I told the truth?
(Will and the rest, except James, snigger.)
Murtogg: About the Harry Potter world: of course it exists, otherwise how come so many people believe in it, or buy the books? The wizards just want us Muggles to think that magic doesn't exist!
Jack: Mr. Murtogg, back to the discussion about the PotC movies, please.
Murtogg: Well, my complaint is that I don't appear in DMC at all, and possibly drowned in the hurricane, thanks to the ex-commodore, who's frowning and shaking his head, there. (James is still tuned out from the conversation, so doesn't comment.) How come I'm stuck with Mullroy, and always argue these pointless things with him? I might be in purgatory with him at the moment!
Jack: I don't think you're dead, because you are here.
Will: That was opposite to what you said in the first chapter, about how you might be dead but could be present, so I need to work on my suspension of disbelief a little more. (The author is amazed with Will's good memory.) In that case, Murtogg and Mullroy might be dead, and could still be here.
Mullroy: Oh god, on top of this confusion, I can also be dead. I can never be sure if I'm alive or not!
Jack: Hey, Norry didn't mention who was in the ship with him during the hurricane, so Murtogg and Mullroy could be alive. Besides, anything is possible for a fantasy movie. Mullroy, all the legends you mentioned earlier do exist, have you not watched the freaking PotC movies? I can't say about Harry Potter's existence because that's not my place. As to why Mullroy and Murtogg are always together, same reason as why Pintel and Ragetti are always together: comic relief. To prove my point about the existence of undead pirates, let me demonstrate this! (shoots the monkey)
Jack the monkey: (screeches and jumps up and down in monkey fashion) This is what I want to complain about: inhumane treatments done to me during DMC! What does Captain Jack think I am? Moving target practice for shooting? I shall lodge my complaints to PETAm and then we shall see what they have to say about it!
Jack (the pirate, in case it isn't clear): Hey, you are not a human, so it's okay to be inhumane! It is all your fault that Barbossa got the medallion during the Interceptor and Black Pearl showdown, anyway. Besides, you are undead, so what's wrong with being shot multiple times?
Barbossa: Hey, is that the way to treat my pet? You'll pay for this, Jack Sparrow!
Jack (the pirate): That's Captain Sparrow for you, Hector. Let's see what you're going to do. Are you going to eat more apples in front of me? Or mutiny against me? I don't even have a ship to be mutinied on upon at the moment, thanks to a certain lady and the Kraken.
(Elizabeth still has the grace to blush.)
The dog with the key: Can I lodge my complaint, as well? I haven't got the damn bones that the pirates in the jail tried to bait me with! The bone that Pintel and Ragetti offered me to get the key was too dry and old, so it wasn't even juicy. I don't know why they carried me on their boat to the cannibal island. I might get killed after being made their god! This movie is really against animal rights, I won't fall for using 'inhumane' like Jack the monkey…
James: (who has finally recovered from trying to remove the pirate vocabulary from his head) Before anyone continues, who's the idiot that always puts the keys in the dog's mouth in the first place? If I find out who's responsible, he or she will be fired! Okay, go on, now.
Jack (the pirate—scratch it, the author won't keep using 'the pirate'; if it doesn't end with 'the monkey', it's Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?): Well, that was because of the tradition in the PotC ride, to have the dog with the key. At least you get your juicy bones in the cannibal island, although you might be killed for that. I won't assume that you'll definitely die, though, as most characters that appear in the first movie don't die in the second movie, and I guess might be in the third, as well. What will the theme part be without the dog with the key, if the dog was eaten by the cannibals?
Cotton's Parrot: I'd like to complain, as well. I don't really want to be Cotton's parrot anymore, because Gibbs just interpreted what I said whatever way he liked, which he might be doing at this very moment, since he's interpreting for me right now. Could I get another job, like being a post-bird (1)?
Gibbs: Hey, give me a break! I don't get paid to do this interpretation thing, anyway.
Jack: Cotton's parrot, your complaint is not valid. It's your job, anyway, to talk for Cotton. You didn't do any hard labour work, or get shot like Jack the monkey, or possibly get eaten like the dog with the keys. You didn't even get captured by the cannibals, unlike the rest of us, so you must be a one smart bird, or at least smarter than a certain eunuch who said 'I can fight all of you like this for the whole day'. You can work as a post-bird if you want, but that will be your second job, without extra pay; you know people, or animals, need to work not only for the pay, but also for job satisfaction.
Beckett: I disagree. Every person or animal has their own price. Money/power/Davy Jones' heart is the currency of this realm!
Jack: Shut up, Becky.
(1) To see more references about the post-bird, feel free to read Dear Captain Sparrow, chapter two
Note: No animal was harmed in the making of this parody. However, several mugs of rum were. So? What are you going to do about it?