By My Side (Connor pov)

By My Side
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer I don't own any of the characters or the show ... or the song, 'By My Side', by INXS.
Spoilers: Some of season 4
Summary: Connor thinks about Angel, while out dusting. A songfic (INXS 'By My Side), exploring what Connor might possibly be thinking and the angst it causes ... of course.

A/N: Wrote this an absolute age ago (back in 2004)… set in season 4.

'In the dark of night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you'

I lay on my crumpled bed, one arm outstretched laying on the cold covers, while my other arm was bent and cupped behind, my head resting there. I closed my eyes, sighing, trying not to think of him, the thing that calls himself my father. Pushing myself up from the dirty mattress I made my way into the small, cold bathroom, stopping in front of the sink. I stare into the mirror, hating what I see.

I should be out there, in the dark of the night, but I'm reluctant to leave. Maybe I should head over to the hotel, and check up on things, but again reluctance tugs at my sleeve. I bend letting water out of the rusty taps, and splash the cold water over my face.

'Rooms full of strangers
Some call me friend
But I wish you were so close to me'

I try and shake the feeling that is growing in me, heading back out into the empty room. Pausing at the door, I wonder if I should go or call ... or do something. Will anyone notice if I just faded away? It would make things so much easier; these feelings were pulling me apart.

I step out into the night ... into the dark of night and make my way through the illuminated streets. I keep my eyes open, awareness and caution, within me. The tingly, hairs-on-the- back-of-your-neck feeling only a second away. My thoughts drift back to those nights when we'd been out here together...

'In the dark of night
Those small hours
I drift away
When I'm with you'

Were these feelings wrong? How could I want this? It felt like I was betraying the memory of Holtz ... for wanting this, but I can't help this increasing feeling that when I'm out here, on my own, there's something missing. How can something be so wrong and yet be so right?

'In the dark of night
By my side
In the dark of night
By my side
By my Side
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were'

I wander along, in and out of alleys, under the glowing, creepy lights that enable creatures to hide in the shadows. Along the way I see creatures with masks, and dust a few vamps ... my mind is there ... nature taking over, but my thoughts, in their jumbled state, are not.

'Here comes the clown
His face is a wall
No window
No air at all

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
But I wish you were so close to me'

Just like him. A face with a mask ... how can I want this? Am I mad? Am I going crazy? How can something be so wrong and yet be so right?

I can't deny what he is ... I hate myself for even having his blood running through me. I don't want to be anything like that ... but I can't deny who he is, can I?

By my side
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were
By my side

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
I wish you were so close to me'

I face the demons in front of me. They come at with their hard ugly masks. They do not know what they are taking on ... I am my father's son.

I have all these unanswered questions and complicated feelings, but for now I think I can say 'Yes I wish you were by my side'.

The End

Song: By My side, INXS
It's quite a slow, steady song ... for the second half I kind of pictured it playing as Connor was going along, facing the demons, etc etc. Maybe a bit slow mo-ish.