"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"
By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III
Writer: Max Payne is finally getting somewhere. Thanks to Vladimir and Vladimir's non-union Mexican equivalent, Didi, Max now knows that the Holy Grail is located in the mansion of the unknown mob boss who took over after Punchinello's death. As we open this final scene…
Writer: Shut up.
Max shuts up.
Writer: ahem As we open this final scene Max, Vladimir, and Didi have arrived at their adversary's mansion.
Max: Who's saying that?
Vladimir: I thought that was you going into one of your monologues again. You know you think louder then you speak.
Max: Then change your damn audio properties.
Vladimir looks away and starts whistling to himself nervously.
Max looks out the window.
Max: This must be the place. How do we get in?
Vladimir: Don't ask me, I'm Russian. You know that Russians are pacifists.
Didi looks at Vlad funny.
Max: Have we got bows?
Max: Have we got swords?
Didi: Wrong mod.
Max: Have we got anything useful?
Vladimir: We have the Holy Small Nuclear Device! angelic choir chimes
Didi: Of course! The Holy Small Nuclear Device! angelic choir chimes again
Max: Wait a second, where did you get a nuclear device and how do you know its Holy?
Didi: Well we found it in a dumpster when a light was pointing to it. The inscription on it was written in Hebrew and whenever we read the inscription, "Holy Small Nuclear Device" angelic choir chimes again, aren't you getting board of reading that? you hear that?
Didi: We think its some ancient relic.
Max: What happen to your Australian accent?
Didi: Talking with an American accent saves time.
Max: So how does it work?
Vladimir: The instructions must be in the bible somewhere. (Vladimir pulls out a copy of Das Capital by Karl Marx)
Max: I don't think that's the bible we need.
Vladimir: What other bible is there? (flips through pages) Ahh here it is. (Vladimir shows the pages to Max)
Max looks at the pages in stun.
Max: Yep here it is. (Reads) Nuclear Armaments, chapter five…
Didi: Three sir.
Max: …Three, verses ten through eleven. And St. Stalin raised the nuclear device in front of the Americans and said "Oh Lenin, bless this nuclear device so that it might destroy the capitalists into tiny bits, in thy mercy."
Vladimir: That's beautiful. Keep reading.
Max: And Lenin appeared to Stalin, and Lenin said "This weapon may only be used to destroy capitalists." Will we have a problem with that?
Vladimir: Probably not, there's nobody more capitalist then the Italian mob. Keep reading.
Max: (Continues reading) "Push the button, hurl the nuclear device towards thy foe, who being a believer in democracy, shall become very dead."
Max pushes the button and hurls it towards the gate. Vladimir's limo sped away to get away from the blast radius. Suddenly a blinding flash accompanied by harp music filled the sky and the gate as well as half the mansion blew to hell (or heaven).
Max: Storm the mansion Vladimir, we're getting the grail!
Writer: As the limo sped into the mansion grounds the tiny limo was tossed, with Vladimir and Didi too, Max and…oops, wrong franchise.
Vladimir: Ready to do some damage Max?
Max: Yeah, my finger's been itchy on the Bullet Time™ button.
Max and Vladimir stormed the mansion with their guns in hand. There were many charred corpses of capitalists but no sign of the grail.
Vladimir: Max I'm not seeing the grail here. Could it have been destroyed by the blast?
Max: If it is then this was all for nothing.
Suddenly the two hear a clap right behind them. They turn around to see the new mob boss and the master of the house.
Boss: (In a German accent) You think you can fool me? I know you're here for the kilos of dope I stored under the house!
Boss: Then you vant my mellions of dollars!
Vladimir: Uh, no I have enough money. Do you really want to know why we're here?
Boss: Non, I'm happy guessing.
Max: (points his gun at the boss) We're here for the Holy Grail. Give it to us and you'll live.
Boss: The what?
Vladimir: That cup you think is a promotional item for a videogame?
Boss: Ah yes, the Bikini Beach Volleyball trinket I got at last year's E3.
Max: How did you go to E3?
Boss: I started my own videogame company for a few days.
Max: Damn, I went to E3 but nobody saw me. (Max frowns)
Boss: Here's the stupid cup I don't know what you would possibly want to do with it. (Tosses it at Max, it fumbles out of Max's hands and falls to the ground, then Max picks it back up)
Max: (Examining it) This is it.
Vladimir: How can you be sure?
Max: It looks exactly like it did in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Max: Vlad, lets return this to its rightful place.
After driving for several hours across the country to California (They could've flown but neither one of them wanted to get a random baggage search at the airport) they arrived at the Grail's rightful spot, the Richard Nixon Presidential Library.
Didi: So where are we supposed to put it?
Max: I don't know, God just told me to bring it here.
Vladimir: Well we're here, so what now?
Max: I don't know.
Vladimir: Want to get a pizza?
Writer: Oops, I forgot the ending. Well it's pretty bad…I don't think I should tell you. thinks Okay it's your funeral.
Max and Vladimir go to get pizza. Max orders a large meatball pizza. (Oh c'mon everyone wanted to know what Max's favorite pizza is!) While Max, Vladimir, and Didi are each on their second slice the ceiling to the pizza parlor opened up!
Owner: Hey! Who's going to pay for this ceiling!
Max: You're looking upon the almighty and all you can think about is the ceiling?
Owner: I'm a communist from Cuba!
Vladimir: Rock on brother!
And a powerful wind tore through the parlor as the face of God appeared!
God: You found the grail!
Max: Yes, we found it. Now what do you want us to do?
God: Bring it to me!
Max: I can't you're too high up!
Vladimir: This is against my beliefs!
Didi just kept eating his pizza.
God: Fine I'll take it myself.
With a flash of light the Grail disappeared from the table and the whole room disappeared. Suddenly Max, Vladimir, and Didi found themselves in a room full of white with no doors and no walls.
Max: Where are we?
Didi: It's the Matrix, Neo.
Max: Aw, shit not again.
Writer's Note: Special thanks to Radiation Hazard for the idea of the Holy Small Nuclear Device. Now if anyone else had given me ideas (he was the only person who sent in an idea, and it was a good one too) I probably would've used it.