Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
-Erica Jong

Chapter 10: Delicious Hot Dickings

Two figures watched silently from the shadows as the still twitching Tendo girls
were hauled off into a black armored van by silent men in dark suits. When they
were gone, the pair turned back to observe the smoldering remains of what had
once been one of the finest restaurants in all of Tokyo.

"Too too stupid girls get what coming to them, yes great grandmother?"


The little old woman's attention was entirely focused on the disaster zone as emergency personnel
did their best to treat the injured on the scene and removed those beyond medical attention
to neat rows on the side where somber people wearing gloves bagged and tagged them.

"But no look like husband would eat here. We at right place?"

Cologne watched as one of the last standing steel beams, still glowing red hot,
cracked in two and tumbled back into the smoking wreckage.

"Yes, I think it's safe to say that Son in Law was definitely here," she said dryly.

"Stupid Mousse! He make Shampoo waste too too much time. Duck be punished when Shampoo get back!"

"Oh I don't know, it was rather impressive of him to last that long.
He might have even beaten you if he'd faced you alone. I may have
to reassess my opinion of the boy."

"Great Grandmother?"

Shampoo goggled at the grinning elder. This was the first time she'd
*ever* heard the old woman say anything kind about the visually challenged
young man.

"Don't look so surprised, Granddaughter. Just because you're taking Son in Law
to the wedding bed doesn't mean you can't have another young stud eager and raring to go as well."

The purple haired amazon's jaw dropped as her mind drew a picture.
When it added color and sound effects, she blushed and clapped a hand
to her nose where a small trickle of blood oozed out.

"Yes, there's nothing like two well hung lovers at the same time to really fill you up completely,"
Cologne sighed happily as she wiped a little drool off with the sleeve of her robe. Those had been
the days, back when men had real stamina, not like most of the feeble males of this generation.
She'd enjoyed a vigorous sex life well into her eighties and still felt a tinge of regret that
the Love Pill had worn off of Shampoo's Groom before she'd been able to give him a real test drive.

"Great Grandmama!"

The old woman shot an amused glance at the young Amazon.

"Just remember that it's not gay as long as their balls don't touch."

Shampoo slipped and fell to the ground as the elder cackled from the perch on her knobby staff.


It was a small convenience store on the corner of the block.
The place looked no different from a thousand identical plastic
franchises that sold all those little things needed by single
people who had little time to make anything at home.

However tonight this particular place of business was receiving customers a bit outside of its normal clientele.

The oily faced clerk on duty could only gawk as a tall tanned soaking wet young woman in a ripped and torn black
evening dress stepped through the automatic doors. Her stunning features combined with how her wet clothes
literally clung to her every curve made the pictures in his porn magazine stash look absolutely worthless.

And then the young woman's arm yanked her companion in after her.


All higher brain functions ceased at the sight of large tits and perky pink nipples.

"Can we just get the hot water and go?"

The young man was still staring when a cup of hot water from the dispenser made the hynotizing boobs suddenly disappear.

"Yeouch! That stuff is hot!"

"What do you expect? They brew packet tea and chocolate with it."

The cashier blinked as the two of them left.

Had anyone asked him to describe the strange pair in detail he would have been at a loss since from the moment they'd
entered to the moment they'd departed he had not once been looking anywhere near the level of their faces.


Ranma Saotome studiously kept his attention on the empty street in front of him
as he blocked the entrance of the small side alley with his body.

Behind him he could hear the slap of wet cloth hitting the ground as his wife slipped out of her soaked dress
and into some dry clothes. The young martial artist said nothing and completely blanked his mind from any mental
pictures of what kind of scene was taking place behind him. He knew he shouldn't have been so surprised that Mana
kept supply caches in the city, she and her partner had done much the same thing in the wilds of Afghanistan as well.
But still, just how many guns did his third wife actually have stashed away?

"It's safe to look now."

Ranma didn't turn around. He was not a complete idiot.


In response to his question, two arms the color of warm bronze wrapped themselves tightly around him from behind.

He went stiff as a most bountiful softness pressed against his naked shoulders.

"Yes," breathed Mana Tatsumiya into his shivering ear.


It wasn't that the pigtailed boy lacked the spirit of romance in his soul. There was just something incredibly awkward
about being the one bent over backwards as his taller spouse leaned over to lock lips with a level of passion that
would have gotten a rise out of a week old corpse.

She tasted of heat and rich spices. The velvet of her tongue slipped into his mouth and demanded a response from his own.
He gave it willingly in a duel that flashed from his mouth to her own as the adrenaline rush from the life or death battle
had changed from the need to bash somebody else's head in to a more primeval urge that was as old as man and woman.

Mana slammed his back roughly against the brick wall as she held the kiss. Her hands were all over his form, touching
and claiming all that belonged to her, savoring the small sounds he made against her lips as her palms ran over his
nipples and caressed the tough layers of muscle around his ribcage.

Ranma was touching her too. His fingers slid along the lines of her shirt, eliciting a muffled moan of approval as they
slid further down to cup the bottom of her tan kahki shorts. Then back up again around the interlocking web harness of
gun holsters and under the thin cotton to feel up the smooth skin of her back until they reached the black band
under her shoulders where his fingers hesitated as they felt around further.

"Chuuu-what's wrong," Mana asked him as their lips briefly seperated.

"Is that a bowie knife in your bra strap?"

"Yes. Watch out for the caltrops too."

"Oh, nice booby traps."

"You really do talk too much-Mmmmm."

Ranma would have complained about this unfair characterization except that this would have required both a free tongue
and a brain not completely saturated with a cocktail of testosterone and pheromones able to think above gutter level.

"Mmmph-wait, what about the others?"

Mana sucked hungrily on the skin of his throat before answering.

"I won the jan-ken-pon for tonight."

"Ooh. that's good."

This time it was her turn to purr as he nipped her ear lobe before finally taking the offensive in their oral duel.

His wife gasped softly with delight as his rough hands finally cupped the undersides of her breasts after briefly
detouring ticklishly around her taut belly. His calloused fingers probed around delicately like a bomb disposal squad
dealing with live explosives. Their hips met as the shorter boy was forced to wrap his legs around her to keep from falling.
The additional stimulation pleased her. And then to the young woman's complete astonishment, he stopped.

"Mmmph-wait, we can't do this," Ranma gasped.

"Why not," Mana hissed in frustration as she squeezed firmly on the hard hot rod pressing against her.

"Ooo-a hotel," her husband whimpered.

This actually made sense and Tatsumiya calmed down slightly. There was something to be said for a soft bed after all.


Ranma's feet touched the ground.



"Could you please let go now?"


"Confess Confess! We know you did it! Everyone saw you do it! Just admit it!"

"I didn't do anything!"

This angry outburst seemed to momentarily puzzle the looming giant of a man. He decided to try again.

"Fess up! It was you that did it!"


Agent Humus stared at the red faced short haired girl. This suspect seemed to require interrogation above his pay grade.

"I want to see a lawyer!"

The large man shrugged helplessly at the large mirrored glass behind her.

Behind the one way glass, Senior Agent Smith rubbed his throbbing temples. Why did this have to happen on his watch?

"Someone please tell me that there's some good news."

It was not a request.

"We've got the violent one in heavy restraints and ready to load on the plane, sir."

This got the speaker a cold glare. There was an uncomfortable silence until an excited junior agent
shoved the door to the observation room open.

"Agent Smith, the CIA claims that they have the assassins in custody!"

"What? We've already got them here. What the hell are they talking about?"


"Yes! I did it," proudly proclaimed the man in the white kimono and green striped hakama.

"What have we got so far?"

"Well sir, he's confessed to assassinating the President, the Vice President, hiding Iraq's WMD,
planning 9/11, both of the Kennedy assassinations, bombing Pearl Harbor and the assassination
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand."

"But we haven't even waterboarded him yet!"

"At this point sir, I'm regretfully forced to conclude that he might actually be an innocent man."

"No! I did it all! Now lock me up away someplace safe!"

"Sensei, you shouldn't worry us like this."

"How long have you been here?"


"My inability to be taken away from my deranged class by the authorities has left me in DESPAIR!"


"Sousuke Sagara! What kind of place is this?"

A man more familiar with the nuances of feminine communication would have realized that the question
was merely rhetorical and that the furiously blushing girls knew the exact nature of their current location.
And any person blessed with ordinary common sense would have fled for their life the moment they realized
Kaname's hands were no longer in plain sight.

"This is merely a temporary tactical fallback point to regroup and reassess the current status of the mission, Chidori.
I have previously inspected the premises and have found them suitable for short term occupancy as the frequent turnover
of guests inhibit monitoring and detection by outside forces."

Never let it be said that Sousuke was ordinary in any shape or manner.



Sagara lifted his head up from where he was lying in a smoking heap on the lobby floor.

"If it is your concern about being seen entering then do not worry Chidori. If anyone were to ask later
I would of course immediately deny that you and your friends accompanied me inside. And should they have
any physical evidence of such an event I would of course extract such material from them with maximum efficiency
and ensure that they are never able to speak of it again. So you see-"


Sometimes he just didn't know when to quit while he was ahead either.

"Oh wow!"

Kyoko stared with wide eyes at the couple that had just walked in. Well, technically walked since one of the woman's
legs seemed to be locked around the man's back and they seemed to have achieved fusion above the waist.
It was the man's hands that she noticed first, she had always wondered what certain literature had meant
by the term "large horny hands" and now she had the answer. They were indeed very big hands and they certainly
looked tough enough to crush rocks without the aid of equipment. But they were also living up to the other meaning
of the word as they clamped onto that woman's buttocks like limpets against the tide. If raw passion were a measurable output,
these two would have ranked on an emission level somewhere around nuclear fission.

The freckled girl absent-mindly wiped the fog from her glasses. She almost felt like she should
be taking notes here. Surely it wasn't possible to do that with a human tongue!

"Oh Genma!"

"Oh Nodoka!"

"Oh dear," said Ren in a hushed voice. There was something perversely mesmerizing about the spectacle,
rather like witnessing a huge traffic accident. One couldn't help but watch even though you knew you
probably shouldn't.

The girls watched in stunned silence as the interlocked duo somehow managed to pay for and grab the keys
that came out of the automatic dispenser without ever once seperating or seeming to come up for breath
before wandering down the hall towards whichever room they'd purchased. A few minutes after the pair
had disappeared from sight they all heard a door slamming decisively shut.

"Is it just me or is this building actually starting to shake a little?"

"I hope it's just you, Kyoko," Kaname said woodenly.

It was at this point that the other couple entered the building and suddenly things got very noisy.


"I'm back!"

"Welcome home, Mistress!"

Orihime bounced with delight as Yoruichi rubbed the top of her quivering orange blonde head fondly.

"I see you've been waiting like a good girl."

Soi-fon could only glare with raw envy at the sight of her beloved Yoruichi touching
that simple looking girl with those wonderful hands.

"Oh, Mistress! Is this Master Ranma come to play with us like you promised?"

The slender Shinigami Captain looked around in puzzlement before realization dawned and she exploded in fury.


"No dear. He won't be joining us tonight."

The busty Inoue's features turned slightly less cheerful. She had been looking forward to showing off the results of her dedicated training.

"But don't worry, it won't be much longer now. Isn't that right, Soi-fon."

The smaller woman suddenly gasped as Yoruichi's warm wet tongue rasped softly against the nape of her neck.

"My lady! I can't! Not with him!"

She started to shiver uncontrollably as Yoruichi produced a small black hand-held remote that had its knob
slowly rotated before her eyes up to its highest setting. Her legs seemed to turn to boiled spagetti as
she sagged weakly against the dark skinned woman.

"You can. You will."

Yoruichi's eyes gleamed like smoky topazes.

"But first, we need to take care of some unfinished business."


The door to the bedroom swung open and Sakaki cautiously stuck her head out. The tall school girl had experienced
one of the strangest days of her life and knew her mother must be worried about her disappearing from school
and her home for so long. With any luck she hoped to explain that she really couldn't stay her any longer and-
she stared at the sight of the beautiful woman who had originally brought her here standing there in the middle
of the living room wearing only a pair of high cut gold bikini panties and casually flexing what looked like
a black riding crop between her hands as two unblemished naked rears were presented for her inspection.

All that she could think of to say as all three heads turned to look at her was, "Ah."


Ranma Saotome knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that hot marital action was going to happen in the immediate future.
Of course there would be all kinds of repercussions and fallout tomorrow, but that would be later.
Saotomes as a rule were always good at putting off problems that weren't happening right at that particular moment.

Here and now he had his youngest wife is his arms and she wasn't mad at him.

He wanted to keep this happy state of affairs as long as possible.

Therefore the sex she wanted was going to happen.

And absolutely nothing was going to stop-


The interlocked pair froze for a moment and then abruptly broke lip contact as they seperated to give each other room to move.


Mana's hands blurred as they went for her weapons. Then they stopped right over the handles as her husband suddenly stabbed
an angry finger in the direction of the young mercenary and roared, "SOUSUKE SAGARA! BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE SEEN SEEN HELL!"

Sagara blinked before recognition seemed to dawn in his eyes.

"Oh. Saotome, so you survived after all."


"Please do not attempt anything rash. The circumstances of combat at the time dictated that you and your father
were expendable assets traveling at your own peril in the middle of a war zone."


Ranma kept his head low as he charged with glowing red eyes at the unperturbed armed MITHRIL operative.

Sousuke aimed the hold-out shotgun in his hands and fired.

Mana Tatsumiya Saotome had seen many strange things in her life. But she had to admit that the brief look of complete surprise
on Sousuke Sagara's face in the instant between her husband suddenly not being where the muzzle was pointed at as it went off
and the balled up fist that impacted him in the face hard enough to send him sliding back along the smooth marble floor
was going to be one that she would always treasure.


"Yes. It was SHEVAC, Teacher."

Xia Yu Fan held the small cellphone close to her ear as her naked younger twin toweled off her nude body
in the middle of the small room they had checked into. Steam from the hot shower they had both taken still
rose silently from their smooth white skin.

"Yes, her companion had a pigtail."

The expression on her face didn't change as she listened to the sudden bout of laughter coming from the speaker.

Xia Yu Lan continued to work her way upwards from the hips as her older sister continued to listen, every now
and then answering with a simple yes or no every now and then in response to the other caller. Although she
was curious as to what their Teacher intended, she had been well trained in the art of patience. When the time
was right her sister would tell her what she needed to know. As she finished drying off her sister she began
to towel herself off, letting her twin's faint scent mix with her own. Lan's entire world consisted of only her twin Fan
and Teacher. Soon the two of them would only have each other as they both knew that their care for Teacher was just
prolonging the inevitable.


The older Chinese girl clicked the phone off and closed it. Instinctively her other hand sought Xia Yu Lan's out
and grasped it firmly. Their fingers closed around each other as they savored the warmth of each other's touch.

"Teacher has new orders for us?"

"Yes. SHEVAC and her companion are to be eliminated."

Xia Yu Lan's eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she remembered the irritating young man she had unsuccessfully tried to kill.

"I'm glad."

Fan dropped the phone on the floor and titled her younger sister's head back so that they faced each other.

"He upsets you?"

"Not for long."


"Is something wrong?"

Ren smiled at the sulking Ranma who was slouching against one of the walls in the hotel's lobby.

He shot her a withering glance.

"I can't believe you did that."

Her smile didn't falter a millimeter under his glare.

"It seemed the most obvious solution."

She gestured to where Sousuke and Mana were standing together, apparently talking shop as they compared
various firearms and other instruments of their trade that made Ranma's stomach queasy just looking at them.
What made the scene so disturbingly unnatural was the distinct lack of explosions, bullets and horribly
mutilated corpses that he normally associated with any interaction between them. He found the very concept
of them not trying to kill each other completely alien to his point of view. Worse, the way it had come
about was one that had made a kind of terrifyingly logical sense once he'd thought about it a little bit.
But was all of his suffering and the years of nightmares really worth only 500,000 yen?

"She did mention a discount for having previously provided other assets to her."

Ranma's head sunk lower.

"That's not helping."

So much for therapeutic violence. He'd only gotten one good punch in before negotiations had been opened up
with his wife and he'd been forced to observe a tense cease-fire as Mana had haggled with Ren over the conditions
of their new contract.

Ranma shook his head. Mercenaries. Give him a good ongoing antagonistic dispute involving baked goods
any day of the week over this whole "Screw the Feud, I've got Money!" attitude.

He watched as the two seasoned veterans finished their discussion and nodded curtly to the other
in a way that was neither friendly or hostile. Just two professionals who were no longer on opposite
sides for the moment and had no reason to try to kill each other.

Saotome was pleased to see when Sagara turned towards him that the hardened young man was developing a wicked looking
shiner around his right eye. If nothing else, that had made this disaster of an evening completely worth it.

Sousuke surprised him by giving him a quick salute.

"Your tactical approach was most effective. I will remember not to use mercy loads next time."

Ranma barely suppressed the childish urge to flip him the bird. All things considered
it just wasn't worth the risk of getting a finger shot off.

"If there is a next time I'll just drop a building on you."

To his credit, the Mithril agent seemed to consider this a serious possibility.

Sousuke turned and followed the three girls as they left the lobby, leaving Ranma and Mana alone in the suddenly quiet space.

He wondered what they were going to do now. Once the subject of a contract had come up, she'd suddenly become all
business again and there wasn't any visible sign of the passionate women who'd been in his arms only a short while ago.

"Um, should we call it a night?"

Mana stepped up to him and grabbed the front of his shirt's collar.

"You. Me. Room. NOW."

"oh. okay."

Sometimes surrender to the inevitable was the only option.


Tsuruko Aoyama studied the letter she had penned on the desk in her hotel room. On her shoulder
her companion Shippu cocked its feathered head at the flowing lines of beautiful kanji.

"That should do it then."

She folded the white paper into an envelope, sealed it with the Aoyama crest and held it out to the bird.

It carefully plucked it from her hand with its beak and tucked it safely in its downy breast.

"Take this to my sister. She should be the first one to learn of this happy occasion."

Shippu clucked its beak almost reproachfully as it hopped off the woman's shoulder and glided to the half-open balcony window.

"Well yes, that too of course. If it inspires her to take more decisive action
with Mr. Manager, well that's merely a nice bonus. I would not mind calling him...Brother-in-law."

The pale bird's long neck curved as it glanced back at her and a rude sound erupted from its throat.

Tsuruko merely chuckled and waved it off on its flight.

Mana might have won tonight, but tomorrow there would be a reckoning with her husband.

Her smile took on a hungry aspect.

Oh yes, their time together would come around soon enough.


His skin scrubbed red and raw, Sasuke Sarugakure sat huddled in a corner of his tiny personal quarters.

The loyal ninja servant of the House of Kuno was only grateful that Mistress Kodachi was not feeling in the mood
for whips tonight as well. Death was a lighter then a feather compared to the mountains of duty that he performed
in the name of loyalty to the main household.

Off in the distance he could catch occasional echoes of Tatewaki's mad laughter as he plotted yet another scheme to deal
with the Foul Sorcerer Saotome and take back those beautiful flowers who were rightfully his. Sasuke sincerely hoped
the young master would not try hiring more assassins. The last one had been a nightmare to deal with and had insisted on cash up front.
The small ninja hadn't tried to argue with her at the time because frankly something about the look on her face had scared
the bejeezus out of him.

Sometimes the loyal manservant wished his master would just a hire a hooker lookalike and get this unhealthy obsession out of his system.

But surely even Tatewaki Kuno couldn't possibly get into any more trouble until tomorrow.

Sasuke fell asleep on the floor, his body shuddering occasionally as his dreams were disturbed
by floating fake rubber breasts and guns shooting demonic golden eyes at him.


"Load them up!"

Two heavily reinforced medical stretchers were wheeled up the ramp of the C-5 Galaxy as its jet engine turbines howled on the base's runway.

Akane and Nabiki Tendo struggled and sputtered impotently against the ball gags that had been roughly shoved in their mouths and crudely held
in place with plenty of duct tape. Solid steel restraints held Akane firmly in place and even her best efforts had failed to make any impression
on the unyielding metal. The sisters were united as one in who was responsible for their torment, this was all RANMA'S FAULT!

As their stretchers were secured into the modified passenger hold by stonefaced military personnel, Akane swore that her fiance would pay
for each and every humiliation she was suffering. They had even been put in adult diapers for the trip! The sheer indignity of it all
would have had her screaming were it not for the gag in her mouth. Once Nabiki managed to find a good lawyer these gaijins were all
going to pay for daring to treat her like some kind of criminal lunatic!

With the prisoners secured the men left and closed the doors behind them, leaving the two girls strapped side by side
under a row of small yellow lights that were just bright enough to see each other if they turned their heads.

Security cameras with blinking red laser sights monitored them from every corner of the dark room.

Nabiki rested her head back with a grunt of defeat as she felt the plane begin to move in preparation for takeoff.

There was nothing else she could do now except rest and save her strength for when they landed wherever they were going.

At least it was relatively quiet in here-


Both Tendo girls suddenly redoubled their frantic efforts to escape from their bonds, but to no avail.

'It's a small world after all, It's a small world after all...'

It was going to be a very long flight.

-End Chapter 10


-Sagara Sympathy Omake

"So Saotome, how did you manage to survive SHEVAC?"

"She married me."

"Oh, a slow death then. My condolences."

-Doomy Dooms of Doom Omake

Tsuruko Aoyama curled up in the hotel bed, studying the photobook in her hands with a smile on her face.

It was so good of little Setsuna to keep her Senpai informed about interesting developments.
And judging from these pictures, Negi Springfield looked to be developing very well indeed.

Perhaps there would be more then one wedding in the near future.

Far away in Mahora Campus, a boy mage and a bird tribe maiden shivered in their sleep.