Disclaimer: I won't insult your intelligence, you know the score.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mild use of foul Language.

Notes: Mostly an warm up exercise in writing, I rarely write with just two characters in a room. Also, to see if I could write Duo as anything other than the Braided Baka. I think Duo to be very intelligent, he must be to be a Gundam Pilot. He must have spent incredible amounts of time with Doctor G, who strikes me as a very argumentative person. Duo is always presented as an arguer in GW, very rarely taking 'no' for an answer. I wanted to see what I could do with that. Set comfortably after the Mariemaia wars.

Synopsis: Quatre is afraid of doing something.

Category: Mild shounen-ai (boy's love) at the most. Vague humour.

Definitions:

Do Him/Her. Emphasis on "do". Doooo hi'm/h'er

The encouragement of obeying apparent sexual desire. To skip over senseless/over elaborate romantic gestures/setting and head straight into HAWT sexual relations. Often used by yaoi/yuri fangirls, annoyed by elaborate angst riddled plots, when the obvious answer to all characters' problems would be a good session engaged in sexual activity. 1. Just DO him. 2. Will you get over yourself, and DO her! 3. You should tie him up and DO him!


A Subtle Way of "Doing Him"

By Doctor Megalomania

"Just tie him up and DO HIM!"

His face flamed as Duo leant over the table, slapping his palms against the old wood and yelled at him. Quatre swallowed and shook his head, his cheeks bright red. "It's not that simple, Duo!"

"It's incredibly simple, Quatre, you get some rope, you lure him in, maybe a bit of a wine and dine, then you tie him up…" Duo enunciated clearly as if he was speaking to a surprisingly slow relative, "And then you DO HIM INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT FUCKING WEEK!" Duo span before collapsing into a chair and heaved a massive sigh, "How is it possible that you can take over multi-billion corporations without blinking an eye, and yet you can't catch a clown and screw him?"

"Duo, please!" Quatre's eyes widened as he pleaded, "Please stop it! You're blowing this way out of context; I just wanted to ask him to dinner!"

"Why? It's so painfully obvious that you want his body, you want to ruffle your fingers through that thing he calls hair, and then you want to stick your--"

"DUO!" Quatre stood suddenly, knocking his chair over. He clapped his hands over his ears and closed his eyes, "I'm not having this conversation with you!"

"You started this conversation." In a matter-of-fact tone, Duo wagged a finger at him, raising an eyebrow. "You're the one who decided to pour your heart out to me. You're the one who's too scared to ask Trowa out for a mere dinner date!"

"Yes, well-obviously!" Quatre blustered, righting his chair before he shook his head violently, "Well! I'm going to be the one who ends it right here." He span and started toward the door, "I can't believe--"

He was stopped when Duo grabbed at his arm and pulled him back abruptly. As Quatre hung his head, he reflected that nothing Duo ever seemed to do was subtle. He began to question why he had thought to come to Duo - of all people! – for a subtle way to approach Trowa for a date.

"Why did I think…?" Trailing off, he shook his head and looked around for something to distract Duo with. Behind him, there was a soft chuckle. "You're a puzzle, Quatre Winner. So confident and insecure at the same time. I really need to find a way to get past your defences."

"A bit like you then." Quatre snapped at him, mildly irked. "A constant contrast between – what is it, Heero calls you? – a braided baka, the antics of a court jester and the righteous fury of…"

It was hard to carry on when Duo stared at him patiently. Quatre mumbled before sighing and dipping his head, "I'm sorry. It's just you're not taking me seriously…"

He squared his shoulders as Duo spoke again, "Look, you came to me because you know I never sugar coat things, because I always tell the truth, right?"

Quatre's shoulders slumped, and he nodded.

"Well, then," Duo continued reasonably, "Obviously you thought I could help. You thought that my advice would be worth taking, right?"

Quatre tilted his head away from him, opening his eyes to stare at the fridge. Heaving a sigh, Quatre nodded once again. He winced as he heard Duo chuckle quietly, "Well. In that case, you must hear my advice even if it's not quite what you want to hear. Even if it's a little more blunt than you were expecting."

Duo tugged at his arm, until Quatre followed him back to the kitchen table. The remnants of their light lunch were still present and as Duo sat down, he plucked at the last few crumbs. Quatre smiled half heartedly as the other sipped from his lemonade. The blonde slipped into his chair and waited as Duo drew a deep breath and sighed, folding his arms and leaning back, rocking on his chair to stare at the ceiling.

"I just…" Quatre looked down at his plate, "I was just hoping, seeing as you… you know people, you'd be able to at least give me some insight…"

"Yes, but being able to read body language is much like your empathy." Duo tilted his head to look at him frankly, "If you can't read his heart, how can I be expected to read his body?"

"I was afraid you'd say that."

Duo smirked and leant forward, bringing his chair down with a snap. "You knew him best during the wars, right?" He tilted his head and observed Quatre thoughtfully, "Surely you would've picked up something?" The former Deathscythe pilot stroked his chin, "Very well, I'll tell you what I know. I know you; you're a look-before-you-leap type. You never do anything without considering the variables first, without knowing that there's at least a percentage of a favourable outcome, you're so much like Heero! It's almost scary!"

Quatre snorted lightly at the comparison, "Me and Heero?"

"Sure, sure. It's like…" Duo paused before leaning on the table, his hands out to gesture, "There's a darkened room, right? You are told to go inside and touch the first thing in there. Now, say, you were…" he shook his head and shrugged, "I dunno, someone like Wufei. You'd walk in, pause, weighing all the information around you but you would have still walked right on in."

Duo paused to add, "He'll just go for it, see? Me too, I'd just keep walking with a hand out in front of me. Heero? Heero will stop just before entering the room, just trying to ascertain he's got the right room, if there is anything he can pick up before entering, then if he's positive he's got all he can get, he'll go for the kill." Duo rocked back on his chair, "He's not as single minded, mission driven as people think. It's just because he doesn't say anything when he's working, people think the mission is all that's going on…"

Duo trailed off and smiled fondly, "But that's going off on a tangent." He fell forward again, landing his chair with a loud snap. Quatre raised his eyebrows, trying to fathom where Duo was going with this all.

"You are the same, but you feed the information on to others. Which is why you make such a good leader, you feed on the information you gain, turning it into orders, strategy and adaptation. Heero doesn't do that, because he wasn't trained to work with others."

Duo lent forward on his elbows, and stared intently at Quatre.

"Unfortunately, you've entered into a situation where the information has reached a block." Duo's fingers moved gracefully as he spoke, "You have information you desire to share, so that you may turn it into action. You also have information that you require but are unable to gain as it would cause an unexpected action to take place. The problem is your target is also your …" his fingers twirled as he searched for the right word, "Team-mate. It's difficult to maintain a working relationship with a team-mate when they are also a target of a mission."

Quatre rose from his seat and moved toward the kettle. Filling it and clicking it on, he turned to lean against the counter to continue listening.

"You want to inform Trowa of your feelings, and therefore start a relationship which would be the greatest benefit; a big, golden tick in the 'pro' column. Your problem is: you don't know how Trowa is going to respond to this information and therefore it is risking your friendship which is too valuable to lose; it's waaaaay too big of a 'con'."

"Exactly." Quatre nodded as he moved to prepare the tea. "Maybe I should--"

"Keep listening to me." Duo interrupted distractedly, he laced his fingers behind his head, leaning back again thoughtfully. "Before you can act, before you can really go for it… you need some sort of sign that he would be receptive to your attentions and therefore willing to act and become part of a relationship will still maintaining your status as a team-mate."

"I suppose."

"You also require enough information to tilt the balance of gaining the relationship away from the loss of destroying your friendship with him. A part of this information you require, is the confidence to get past the preliminaries and set a direct course of action which will enable Trowa to act in two ways: favourably or to deny you." Duo balanced precariously on the chair's hind legs, "You need to get past all the bullshit, and find out if he wants you or not."

"I think there's a little more to relationship than that, Duo." Quatre said sceptically, "You know, like love?"

"What is love, but an emotional response and a biological explanation for being loyal to a single mate?" Duo waved an arm out blithely, "Anyway, the point is I'm telling you straight, either he wants you, and therefore is willing to risk the friendship for the double prize, friends with special benefits inclusive of a life long companion, sex and a person inclined to accept every nook and cranny of his personality, or he doesn't want noogie from you, and therefore is unwilling to compromise your friendship by indulging in the dark sexual arts…"

"Dark sexual arts?" Quatre opened a cupboard and pulled out the teabags, "What have you been reading recently?"

There was a wicked chuckle from behind him, "You really want to know?"

Quatre looked over his shoulder and shook his head at his friend's manic gleaming eyes. "No, I suppose I don't."

"Your loss," Duo shrugged before folding his arms behind his head again, "Anyway, as I was saying, Trowa's a jumper. It's the way he grew up. With him, it's do or die. He had to train to be a mobile suit pilot because otherwise he wouldn't have been fed."

Duo picked up the plate in front of him, "You ask him if he'd prefer the white plate to the blue plate and he'll look at you as if you're insane." Duo smirked, "This is because it doesn't matter. It's a plate, as long as it performs its function; he really doesn't care if it's pink with green polka dots."

He paused thoughtfully, "Actually… that might be considered an advantage, considering his taste in Clown garb…"

Quatre blinked, thought, and agreed with a small nod.

Duo set the plate down carefully, "Trowa has a very stark understanding of what is important and where his priorities lie. This is what makes him good at being undercover, he can put his loyalties aside easily because getting the job done effectively will mean he survives, and therefore performs his mission correctly."

Quatre's expression turned thoughtful as he took this in, before nodding and motioning Duo onward, "Your point is?"

"Trowa will not respond to any approach that he will consider unimportant. You ask him if he likes men or women, he'll ask you what that has to do with whatever it is he's doing at the moment. You ask him if he would like to date you, he will wonder what advantage you'd gain over him. You would be seeking information; he would automatically seek to prevent information from leaking because you have no stated reason for needing this. It's one more bargaining chip for him, one more thing to use to survive." Duo chuckled again and closed his eyes, "Oh, I know that's a very crass assumption of his character, but we're talking basic subconscious motivations here."

"So, any approach I would take would be denied by him--"

"Unless, you attack. You show him clearly your intention, and leave him to decide if he will follow your action or defend against it." Duo fell forward on his chair, the legs making a decisive clack on the floor as they landed. "In other words, your best course of action is to tie him up and DO HIM!"

"That's not really a course of action, Duo." Quatre laughed in spite of himself, "It would be rape at the very least."

"It's only rape if he doesn't consent to it and/or is below the age of consent. We're twenty-four. Age of consent ceases to be an issue." Duo pushed back again on his chair to rock back and forth, "And if he willing allows you to tie him up and therefore to DO him, then it can't possibly be rape." He raised an eyebrow, "You do remember that Trowa's an escape artist like me? Right?"

"I suppose."

"And I'm fairly sure when you tie him up, you will both have to be pretty much naked because there's very little point in tying him up when you have to untie him to get his clothing off. So, obviously before you tie him up, he will have to consent to removing his clothing."

A helpless chuckle escaped Quatre. "I expect so yes."

"So, if you ask him to dinner, and then ask him if he wouldn't mind getting naked and being tied up, so you can do him, and he says, 'Oh, what a marvellous idea!' and proceeds to strip down… that would be consent."

"Oh, just over dessert, ask him if he wouldn't mind me tying him up for a while?" Quatre replied sarcastically as he brought the cups back to the table, and passed one to his friend. Duo grinned and nodded as he brought a hand up to hold an imaginary rope.

"Yeah, it'll be fine, just hold up the end of the rope, give him a wink and …" Duo winked and made a saucy double clicking noise.

"You're incorrigible!"

"You wouldn't have me any other way!" Duo countered, sipping his tea. Wincing, he added sugar before continuing. "So, it's decided. You are going to tie him up and do him. He's crashing with Heero for the month while Wufei's looking into some accommodation for him during his preventer training." Duo stroked his chin thoughtfully, his countenance turning decidedly dastardly as he began to plot, "I'm sure I've got some rope around here somewhere… we could go for a sneak attack, I distract Heero, you go straight for the kill."

"No, I'll ask him to dinner first and find out if he wouldn't mind." Quatre wrinkled his nose, before shaking his head. He thought for a long moment, before nodding to himself, "Really, I know this nice little restaurant; the chef's a friend of Rashid's. Trowa will love it; we could talk for ages and not be disturbed."

"Oh, you're all talk and no fun!" Duo goaded wickedly, "At least with MY way, I'd make sure you got there and did it!" He rose from his seat and paced over to the phone, dialling up a number.

"What are you doing?" Quatre rose to join him, eyes widening as he recognized the number. "Duo!"

"Ah, ah!" Duo held up a hand and listened intently to the phone ringing. A moment passed before a grin brightened his features, "Ah, Heero, my man! How are you?" There was a pause as Duo listened, "Oh really? That's great, man. Listen, I've got Quatre here, he needs to speak to Trowa before we come over tonight. Yeah, I though we could get together, I mean, I've got some rope---"

Quatre squeaked and dashed forward to pull the phone away from Duo. On the other end, Heero's voice was bemused. "Rope? Why would we need rope?"

"Heero!" Quatre blushed deeply, and shoved at Duo's shoulder, glaring at the other. Duo paid no heed, trying hard not to laugh out loud. "Heero, I'm sorry, Duo's just being … well, Duo."

"Hn. What else is new?" Heero replied, a fond tone in his voice, "What are you doing in town? I thought you were colony bound for another week."

"I… I was just …" Duo ducked out of Quatre's reach and left the kitchen, "Something came up and I had some business meetings nearby and dropping in on everyone seemed like a good idea."

"So, you'll be coming over tonight then?" Heero's voice pulled away from the phone, becoming distant for a moment, "Trowa, wait! Phone!" Heero returned his attention to the conversation, "Tell Duo to bring some beer. Come around five, I'll order some take away. Has anyone phoned Wufei yet?"

"No, but Heero, I--"

"I'll do it now, here's Trowa." Heero handed the phone over, and in the background he could hear the man calling Wufei on a mobile.

"Hello?" Trowa's voice didn't help to make Quatre's blushing go away, nor did Duo as the man returned with a coil of rope. The blonde snapped his eyes away from the rope, and stared intently at the wall phone. "Trowa, uh, hi!"

"Quatre!" Trowa's deadpan lifted slightly, revealing a warm tone, "I haven't heard from you for ages, what's the occasion?"

"Well, I-I was thinking…" He looked over as Duo nudged him and waggled the coil of rope at him, "I was thinking about dinner."

'And rope' Duo mouthed at him.

"And if maybe you wanted to go out with me…" Quatre paused, suddenly nervous, "… to visit an old friend of mine, he's just opened up a new restaurant in town and …"

"Dinner sounds fine, Quatre."

Quatre blinked, "Really?"

"Really. I'd like the chance to catch up with you." Trowa chuckled quietly, "It always seems like you're tied up with something important…"

The blonde threw a sidelong look at Duo who was now idly leaning against the fridge, tying the rope loosely around his own wrists. "You could say it was something like that. Duo already chewed me out for being off planet for three weeks." He rolled his eyes as Duo threw him a winning grin and held up his bound wrists. "Let's decide something tonight."

"I'll follow your lead." Trowa said, pausing before adding with a hint of bemusement, "And tell Duo 'thanks'."

"For chewing me out? Trowa! You're meant to be on my side!"

"I am." Trowa replied quietly, "Duo helped me out earlier; I've just gained the results."

"Oh…" Quatre threw another look at Duo, "Trowa says 'thanks'."

"Tell him, no problem, I like puzzles." Duo replied distractedly as he twisted his hands out of the knots.

Quatre blinked, and returned his attention to the phone, "You hear that?"

"Yeah, see you tonight?" There was a muffled sound, Heero's voice indistinctive, before Trowa returned, "Wufei says he's bringing Trivial Pursuit and beer, he wants revenge. See you tonight then? I'll check when I'm free for dinner."

"Yeah," Quatre smiled warmly as they said their goodbyes and hung up. Taking a deep breath and stepping away from the wall phone, Quatre turned to glare at Duo.

Duo smirked.

Quatre blinked and stared at him, "What?"

The other chuckled quietly, "So asking Trowa out to dinner's easier than just tying him up and doing him, eh?"

"Of course!" Quatre replied, "I…" He blinked, trailing off as he remembered the reason he'd come to Duo in the first place. "You. I. Duo! You played me!"

"That's what I love about puzzles." The man in question held up his unbound hands and smiled smugly. "See, it's not so hard when you really think about it, is it?"

Quatre's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "You're not as stupid as everyone just assumes you are, are you?"

Duo just grinned brightly.

"Oh no, it's just nobody ever takes me seriously."

A good magician never reveals his tricks.


DrM: I'm back. Sorry, I was taking the long road home.