Tapestry

So I was wrong. I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I don't have to be, because nothing
matters. I lie here, wondering to myself. Does any of it matter, any of it at all? I was wrong.
I do need a knight in shining armor. A hero to come and vanquish all of my enemies. I need one,
damn it! I need someone to save me!

It's funny, I swore I would never let this happen to me. No matter what, I wouldn't hit
rock bottom. But here I am, falling apart, crying for my mother. Alone. I am alone. But that's
what I wanted, wasn't it? To be left alone. And that's what I am. Maybe this is my own personal
hell. To lie here, alone, with the knowledge that I had every opportunity to be happier.

It doesn't scare me, the emptiness and the loneliness. I'm not scared of it at all. I
don't like it, but I don't fear it either. How can I? It's what I've always wanted. I've come
to accept it. The part that I can't take is the limbo. I'm hovering between the world of life
and death, unable to pass completely into either one. I lack the strength and will to return to
life. The doctor's have me plugged into machines so that I can't die. So I just lie here on
this bed. No one has come to visit me. Why should they? I'm useless. Used up. I don't have
anything left to offer anyone. I don't deserve to live. I can't sync with Unit-02 anymore. I
can't be the Second Child. And I don't care. I don't care because I hate it. I hate Eva. I hate
everything about it. It never was capable of bringing meaning into my life, just capable of
taking my soul away. And now after seven years, I've become yet another of Eva's victims.

I hope that Shinji can conquer Eva. He's suffered enough because of it. I don't want him
to end up like I have. I see, but I don't see. I hear, but I don't hear. I don't want to be
here! Why won't someone save me? Because I'm not worth saving. Because they're looking for the
enemy in all the wrong places.

The Angels are not my enemy. NERV is not my enemy. Shinji and Misato and Wondergirl
aren't my enemies. I am my enemy. I cannot save me from myself. I am alone. I am my only
family, my only enemy. I'm the one who has been the idiot all along, I know.

I lie here, dying inside. Misato? Shinji? Where are you? Why don't you come? I don't
want to stay here anymore! Please help me, I promise things will be different. I'll make up for
it all if you will only help me! But you won't help me. I wouldn't help me if I were you
either. I've used up all my credit. I'm not viable to anyone. I'm not worth anything. Damn
these machines! Keeping my unwilling body alive, inflating my lungs, forcing my heart to beat!
I want to die. Why can't you let me go? Am I so worthless you won't even let me die in peace?


Someone is crying. Someone came to visit me. Shinji. He's still alive. I underestimated
him. No, Shinji, let me go. I can't help you anymore. I want to, for once, but I can't. You
have to be strong.

Is this what I have been reduced to? I don't care. This is all I can do for you now,
isn't it? Then use it. But it's not going to help. It's not going to make you feel any better.
But I guess that doesn't matter to you right now.

I'm being violated and I don't care. I don't care because it means I'm worth something.
Shinji asked me to help him. Worthless Asuka Langley Sohryu. He wants me to help him. How can I
turn him down? Farewell, Shinji. Please be careful. Don't end up like I have. Learn from my
mistakes. Don't let your father or Misato or anyone else dictate how to live your life. Find
your own happiness.

Why am I being nice to him? Because he deserves better. Because no one should have to
live like I am.


I hear something. No. NOOO! I don't want to go back. Somebody please save me from
myself! I don't want to go out there again. I don't want to be that person again. That's not
who I really am! Please somebody listen to me! PLEASE! PLEASE!!!!!!







But the screams were drowned out by the reassurances of her conqueror. The protector who
betrayed her, who assumed control of her life. Her tormentor, the person who had enslaved her.
The personality she had created to protect herself had become her adversary. She had become her
own worst enemy once more.

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Hey, guess who's back! I'm going to be getting back to "Round Perdition's Flames" in the
near future everyone, so please just sit tight a little bit longer. I would like to thank all
of my fans for being so patient with all the difficult changes in my life that have been
hindering my writing this past 5 months or so. I promise that I'll be back real soon, and get
to the stuff you've all been waiting for!


Lord Malachite
6/14/01