Title: Dignity Is For Idiots
Author: Cella
Characters: The Wonderful Sand Siblings
Summary: Death would be too pleasant for Kankuro. GAARA. TEMARI. KANKURO. Morale of the day: never make a bet with a guy who paints his face.
Spoilers: Current Arc, but vaguely AU. Really just crackfic. Honest.
Dedications: To sharingank, because dude, she invented Chipmunk!Gaara! And because her Sandsibs fics are love.
A/N: This was inspired by a very cool drawing. The woman who drew it was pure genius, and of course, the woman who pimped it has been terrorizing me with brilliant Sand-sibs fics. I couldn't resist. Not meant to be serious.

Dignity Is For Idiots

The insides of the suit were itchy.

It annoyed the hell out of him. His hand was twitching, full with intent to direct itself to his rear and just…scratch. That would be bad. That would be embarrassing. That would be horrible. Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage and badass extraordinaire, scratching his arse in public. At his own party. At his own costume party. Especially wearing that costume.

Oh, he was going to kill Kankuro. No, not kill. Death would be too pleasant for him. First he'd tie him to a chair, and force him to watch as he ripped off the arms, legs and head of his precious doll-guy, and throw them into a blazing, glorious fire of doll death. Then, he would replace all his face-paint with pink lipstick. The sticky kind. Then he would rip Kankuro's arm out and hit him on the head with it until he created a dent in there. And THEN, he would probably kill him. Maybe. If creativity didn't expand. But anyway. Yes. Kankuro. And DEATH. Soon. Very soon. As soon as his stupid, his fucking stupid costume ball was over.

Thinking about it, he might as well murder Temari as well. She actually had the guts to enjoy his predicament. And aside from that, the whole costume ball had been her idea. 'Host a ball here,' she said, 'Make new friends. Live a little, before you die…again,' she said. 'It'll be fun,' she said. Well it's not fun. Thank a lot, Temari. It was all her fault. She made the two brothers have that bet, and that bet was lost by Gaara, and that loss caused Kankuro to give him his punishment, and that punishment was the blasted itchy costume.

A chipmunk.

Damn. Damn his family, damn his guests, and damn whoever had the guts to fucking laugh at him! Temari giggled beside him when another of the elders complimented his disguise. His adorably cute disguise. Gaara glared at his sister. Kankuro, next to her and further away from Gaara's menacing clutches, snickered.

"This party is a fucking piece of shit," Gaara growled.

"Now, now, brother," Temari scolded him, amused, "mind that language." She even wagged a finger in his direction for good measure.

Gaara wanted to bite it. "Fine," he gritted out. "This party is a fucking piece of poo."

Kankuro was practically cackling now. Gaara still wanted to kill him. He still wanted to scratch his arse, also. "You could've at least found me a better costume," he growled.

"Why?" Kankuro asked, cheekily. "I think it suits you. Goes well with your cheeks."

Gaara turned towards him with a snap, his hands already going for the kill. Fortunately, Temari was there to hold him back. Sort of. He still managed to get his hands around Kankuro's neck and squeeze.

"Let him go," Temari hissed. "Please act nicely, Kazekage-sama. This behaviour will only scare them more."

"Good," Gaara growled. "Then maybe the party will end sooner." He released his out-of-breath-brother anyway.

"Dude," Kankuro huffed, looking mildly affected.

Gaara glowered at him, and then directed his gaze on the room. Several ladies shrunk under his glare.

"Hey," Temari whispered. "Relax. You're scaring the oldies." He jabbed his sides with an elbow, "This isn't a night for killing, this is a night for good fun."


"Come on," Temari cooed. "Give us a smile, wittle chipmunk."

Gaara produced his most off-putting, scary smile yet, and replied through his gritted teeth, "Bite my furry ass, porcupine."

Temari's eye twitched. Kankuro muttered 'uh-oh'. Gaara smirked smugly.

Seconds later the party was spontaneously over as the Kazekage was chased around by his murderous sister. Also, she was a danger, waving her giant fan around like that. Kankuro watched from the sidelines as the room was evacuated. No other ball would be held in Sunagakure, ever again.

Somewhere in the middle of all the chasing, Gaara found an opening, and scratched the itchy parts.

Much better.