My Dwindling Sanity

Rating: HIGH.

Pairings: LOTS.

Warnings: BAD STUFF.


Word Count: 1, 145

Disclaimer: NO.

A/N: GUH.*Brain breaks at the amount of awesomeness she has endured from her amazing readers.*

NUH. *Thanks for everything, guys!*


Two lines stood opposite to each other, with a great expanse of field between them. The grass waved ominously in the breeze.

To the one side: the Neji Haters. Hinata, who had cleaned herself up and stood in the front, wearing nothing but a blood red bikini and more weapons than you could possibly imagine, each stained with blood. Black coal marked intricate patterns on her body and face, and she stood with her teeth bared. The Akatsuki leader stood to her right, along with Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu. To her left stood Naruto, Sasuke, and the Light Bulb of DOOM™.

To the other side: the Neji Haters HATERS (who had (almost) completely recovered). Neji and Itachi stood at the front, looking … like they always looked. Neji was bug-shit crazy, with his eyes slightly twitching from his encounter with Voldemort and Orochimaru. Itachi had his arms around Neji's waist, goosing him every couple moments and sending winks and air-kisses to Hinata. To their right stood Hunny and Mori, both looking very cold and efficient. To his left was Gaara, who was still half-Shukaku-ized. Voldemort and Orochimaru were off to the side, chillin' like villains.

The stage was set. The players assembled.

But suddenly (flipping through the air screaming "THE SPRINGTIME OF YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTH!") ROCK LEE APPEARED!

"Friends!" He shouted, his smile like a beacon of hope in a lonely world of shadows, his body perfectly placed in the good-guy pose.

"Friends," he said again, "please, stop this madness! Rival-fights are healthy and natural, but no serious blood needs to be shed! We can coexist in peace and happiness, and-"

But just as suddenly, he was carried off by a horde of screaming fangirls, and did not return.

(You should know that I was among them, but I will continue to scribe this chapter through psychokinetic powers.)

Itachi shook his head. "Anyways."

The stage was set. The players assembled.

The time was now.

Just as the sun burst over the horizon, coating the scene with dazzling light, Hinata rushed forward, screaming incoherently. Hundreds of Naruto's burst into existence and followed at her back, as did the rest of her soldiers.

Itachi snarled and abandoned Neji to tackle her to the ground, their rolling bodies and curses lost to the dust of the crowd. Neji was suddenly facing Sasuke. Ignoring the chaos around them, they locked eyes.

"It's you."

"Yeah it's me. Bitch."

"You're a bitch."

"Your mom's a bitch."


They stepped forward, closed their eyes, and ineffectually began slapping at each other, squealing.

Hunny and Mori were efficiently fighting ten gazillion Naruto's each, almost obscured by the smoke of their dispersion. Gaara was happily playing jump rope with Tobi and the Light Bulb of DOOM™, purpose forgotten.

As for the rest of the villains …


Voldemort and Orochimaru, a good distance away from the battle, stopped sucking face at a discrete cough. Deidara and Zetsu stood a couple of meters away, shifting uncomfortably.

"Hey, um, yeah, I know we're supposed to be fighting and all, yeah, but do you think we can just sort of hang out over here, yeah?" Deidara asked, his hands coming up placating, mouths tasting their emotions. "'Cause yeah, this is all a little disturbing, personally, yeah, and I don't really care if Leader gets that crazy kid, yeah, but if he sees us over here, yeah, he'll think we're fighting – "

Voldemort interrupted in true evil villian fashion – with a rant.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD WILL YOU STOP TALKING! Even Wormtail doesn't talk as much! God, just bend over, why don't you? Minions are so fucking annoying! And why do you keep saying yeah? It's more annoying than a valley girl saying like every five seconds!"

Orochimaru soothed his lover, cooing and petting him as he panted heavily.

But Deidara, as much as he was an ass-kissing minion, was also a kick-ass missing nin.

"Hey, yeah, don't talk to me like that!"

"What are you going to do about it, butt-suck?" Voldemort stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry, feeling safe within his lover's arms.

An explosion took out several meters of trees. Voldemort and Orochimaru apparated the hell out of there, done with this shit, while Deidara screamed in frustration and tried to follow. Zetsu shook his head and burrowed deep underground to wait for the aftermath.

As hundreds of Naruto's became smoke, Hinata and Itachi suddenly became visible, blind to everything but their battle. Hinata actually had Itachi pinned; his face ground into the dirt, his arms held in a chokehold while she straddled him.

Neji gasped and stopped his slap fight with Sasuke, who managed to get one more blow to his face before he was also distracted. The fighting slowed and stopped, a ring forming around the two struggling leaders.

Concession!Naruto's began setting up shop, walking around handing out "Popcorn, get your popcorn here! Peanuts, popcorn, hotdogs, soft drinks! Nothing under $59.99!"

Even though Naruto was traumatized, he never wasted a chance to make money. Besides, he was a sucker for the WWE Raw.

A bell rang, and referee!Naruto pulled the two apart, pushing them to their respective corners. Both were bloody and scratched, bleeding and panting heavily.


"Girfriend, you keep this up!" the Akatsuki leader said encouragingly, thoroughly enjoying himself (he watched WWE Raw, too), while minon!Naruto wiped blood out of her eyes and squirted water into her gaping mouth. "You've almost got him! A couple more rounds and that bitch will never touch Neji again!"

Hinata slowed her breathing and nodded, her eyes going to a trussed up Neji who was wearing nothing but gold bikini bottoms that spelled "CHAMPION" in red letters over his ass. The sight filled her with fire and she nodded, raring to go.


Hunny slapped the side of his face gently. "Ya gotta snap out of it! You're not just fighting for yourself, but Usa-chan and Bear-Bear too! You're fighting for all of us! You're getting your butt flattened like a pancake out there! Ya gotta come back! Think of what you're fighting for! Honor! Glory! The rights of stuffed animals everywhere!"

Itachi shook Mori's hands out of the way and spit blood out onto the grass. His eyes lifted and locked with Hunny's, a predatory smirk gracing his features. On the sidelines, medic!Naruto shoved tissue up Neji's nose to stop the gush of blood at the sight of that grin.

"Hot sex," he purred.

Hunny looked distinctly uncomfortable as he hauled Itachi to his feet. "Yeah … right … whatever float's your boat, kid."

The bell dinged again, and both champions staggered to the center of the ring.

Over the roar of the crowd, announcer!Naruto, in a classic deep voice, shouted, " Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … ROUND TWO!"


BUH. *One chapter to go, amazing people!*

(Insert standard demand/plea/bribe/threat for reviews)