Summary: Kero, coffee and how Fujitaka finally found out. No pairings.


Kero was bored, Kero was starving, Kero was alone, and that was a recipe for disaster.

It was evening. Sakura was snoring gently in her room, recovering from a math test. It was raining, and that made the star-ruled sorceress more tired than usual. His only other targets, Touya and Yukito, were both at soccer practice, which ruled out Yue as well. Even Spinel wasn't in town, and bugging the anal-retentive Suppi-chan over the phone just wasn't fun. Even Tomoyo wasn't in town. And Fujitaka was working, which meant that he had the run of the house.

There was a lot to do around the Kinomoto household. The kitchen needed tidying. Specifically, there was the chocolate jar, and the shelf of biscuits that was kept well stocked. Sure, Sakura insisted that that was for Yukito, but what was a biscuit or two – or fifty – between Guardians, right? Or so Kero told himself. Besides, everyone spoiled the snow bunny rotten anyway.

Once he had tidied the shelf – by the simple expedient of eating everything in it and tossing the covers into the bin – he moved on to the snack shelf, the fruit juice, the pie that Touya had made yesterday for Yukito, the sweetened milk, the ice cream, the cheese.

When he was done with the cheese, he was a little thirsty, so he drank all the hot chocolate mix straight from the container and polished it off with a little strawberry-flavoured topping. A bottle wasn't much, was it?

This wasn't too out of the ordinary. Every so often, even Sakura's threats, Yue's glares and Touya's talent for locking him in the dryer when he was asleep weren't enough to make him keep off the food, and they all enjoyed Fujitaka's puzzled reaction even if keeping a straight face was difficult.

This was normal.

What wasn't was the can of powdered coffee that Kero ate out of sheer curiosity, just to see if he could handle it better now after last month's episode.

All hell broke loose.

Touya and Yukito were walking home when the snow rabbit froze about ten metres from the house.

'Yuki? What is it?'

'Kero,' Yukito said tersely, his eyes glinting blue for a second. 'He's been at the coffee.'

A flash of dismay crossed Touya's normally impassive face. 'Oh shit,' he said.

'Eloquent,' agreed the other as they broke into a run.

The inside of the house looked like a train had hit it. One of the curtains was smoking, the furniture was everywhere, there were chocolate stains on the wall at just the right height for a certain magical lion to have rubbed it there. There were more dark stains around it as if that same lion had later tried to lick them off. On the floor was an incredible mess of wrappers, plastic, paper and crumbs, cocooned around Keroberos, who was licking meditatively at the cover of the coffee mix. He was in his true form.

'Nobody likes me,' he sobbed gently to a picture of a coffee bean with a large smile on its face. He was clearly past Bouncy and Belligerent and well into Moody and Melancholic. Touya groaned and sat down. This was going to take a long time. Still, watching the two Guardians go at it was fun too. He noticed them walk in, and repeated himself more loudly.

'That's not true,' Yukito protested, gamely trying to soothe the utterly trashed Kero. He could feel Yue snickering in the back of his mind and shot you are not helping at him. The Guardian smirked even wider. 'Sakura likes you. Tomoyo likes you. I like you.'

'You like me, but Yue doesn't,' the lion persisted obstinately. 'Touya doesn't like me,' Keroberos added, laying his great head in Yukito's lap as huge tears fell down his face, wetting his fur. 'H-h-he thinks I'm just a stuffed toy. I have feelings too, you know. He does-zzzn't apprec-ap-care for me!'

A sudden thought occurred to him, and he peered blearily up at Yukito. 'Are you you or are you Yue?'

'Yue's not here right now,' Yukito lied fluently.

'So you're the Moon Snow?' Keroberos shook his head, rubbing it against the boy's lap. Yukito was now sporting several coffee and chocolate stains on his trousers.

'Or are you the Guardian Bunny?'

'Urk,' Yukito said intelligently. The Moon Guardian was helpless with laughter inside his head. Touya was hiding a huge grin behind his hand. He trotted up the stairs to find Sakura still (miraculously) asleep. He shook her awake.

'Whasmatr,' she mumbled.

'Kero's drunk on coffee,' he said.

Sakura bolted upright. 'What's the damage?' she asked, pulling her shoes on.

'The curtain's gone, and the sofa's on fire,' Touya said over his shoulder as he headed back down to watch the imminent catastrophe.

Yukito was still trying to comfort the plushie-form Kero, who was sobbing loudly now.

'I just enjoy file,' he said piteously. 'It's not that I'm suferpicial, I just fove lood.'

Touya promptly lost it. He sat down weakly on a clean spot on the kitchen counter and laughed his guts out. Sakura came down behind him and wrung her hands in dismay, wondering which card to use. Erase? Windy? Silent? Sleep? After some thought, she decided on Watery to get rid of the fires. The rest could wait.

'I'm a lood gion, I am. But nobody wants me around,' he added, becoming suddenly coherent. The fuzz cleared, and he saw Touya making tea while watching them.

'He hates me!' the plushie roared suddenly, springing upright despite his mad wobbling. 'Ki-no-mo-to To-u-ya wants me to die! Don't deny it!'

Oh dear, Yukito sighed. Apparently Bouncy and Belligerent had just made a comeback.

'He tried to kill me on Wednesday night!'

'Come now, I don't think that an extra spoon of spice in the soup qualifies as an assassination attempt. I don't think it was even deliberate.'

Touya smirked around the mug of tea. Oh, if you only knew……

Unfortunately, Keroberos caught sight of the evil grin. 'You see?' he bellowed triumphantly. 'He wants me dead! He's going to kill me in my sleep, shot-bang!'

'……' said Yukito

'……' said Sakura.

'……(snicker),' said Touya.

That seemed to be the trigger. Keroberos transformed and sprang at Touya, who continued to sip his tea. Yukito transformed and Yue grabbed his brother in a death grip around the middle, grunting with the effort.

'Leggo me!' Kero roared, his paws batting the air a foot from Touya's calm face. His mistress' brother looked up from his tea and said 'Way to go, Yue,' before continuing. Keroberos produced an impressive ball of flame and Touya ducked just in time. Another curtain bit the dust. The drunken Guardian suddenly turned and pounced at Yue and they rolled over and over on the floor, bursts of flame igniting several pieces of furniture. Sakura summoned her star wand, and Watery flew around the house, putting out the various small fires. Touya took another sip of tea. If Sakura could keep an amusement park from going up in flames she was quite capable of dealing with a burning sofa.

'AARH!' Keroberos said as Yue dug a painful knee into his stomach before wriggling out from under him and rolling them over again.

It was at this moment that Fujitaka walked in.

They all went still, almost as if someone had used Freeze on them.

Fujitaka surveyed the scene with a sort of numb shock.

The house looked bombed. Several things were on fire, including his favourite sofa, and an ethereal beautiful……woman ……thing……was putting out the fires. His daughter was holding a long staff in her hand, with which she had presumably been directing it. A giant winged lion was lying on his carpet, pinned there by a young man in white robes and pants with flowing white hair, who also had wings. They were frozen in the act of wrestling each other, the man's hands wrapped around the lion's throat. Now that he saw him clearly, Fujitaka noted that he looked vaguely familiar.

Most surreal of all, his son was calmly drinking tea.

Keroberos hiccupped, and it sounded deafening. Then his eyes drooped and he fell asleep.

The sound broke the spell that had been cast on all five (human, Card, Cardmistress, ex-psychic and Guardian, to be precise).

Yue sprang away from the slumbering Keroberos, looking caught between transforming and not revealing Yukito's secret. He looked helplessly at Sakura.

The girl was staring at her father, jaw slightly open. Her star wand fell from nerveless fingers and thumped silently on the carpet.

Watery prudently retreated to Card form.

Fujitaka's briefcase fell to the floor as well, and the professor made a small squeak of surprise.

Touya finished his tea and set the cup down, ever unflappable.

'You'd better sit down, father,' he said. 'I think we have something to tell you.'

The End.

A/N: plotless, pointless, but oh-so-satisfying. Review, please!