Ad Nauseam

By: firefly

Note: Just a silly ficlet inspired by chapter 325 of the manga. XD Rated T for cursing.

Ad Nauseam

Kakuzu scanned the balance sheet in front of him, staring critically at the liabilities portion. He tapped the end of his pencil against the clipboard.


Ignoring the moan of pain, Kakuzu pulled a calculator from the folds of his cloak and began punching in numbers.


He tapped the pencil a bit harder, hoping the sound would drown out the noise behind him.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap—


He tapped the pencil harder.


"OWW—son of a bitch!"


Kakuzu froze, staring at the hole he'd just torn through the middle of his carefully-drawn balance sheet. A vein began twitching in his temple violently, and he slowly turned around to glare at the man lying on the bed across the room.

"Hidan," he said in a voice of forced calm. "Shut the fuck up."

"Bastard," the religious man said weakly from his bed, glaring balefully at him through squinting eyes. "This is all your goddamn fault."

He was curled up on his bed clutching his stomach, writhing in agony.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.

"What do you mean my fault?"

"Cheap asshole…had to get…fucking Chinese shit…for dinner," he groaned, curling into a tighter ball.


"So my stomach is tearing itself apart trying to digest that crap!" Hidan cried, rolling onto his back and tangling his fingers into his hair. "Ow! Ow, ow, ow"—

Kakuzu sneered.

"Women in labour don't make as much of a fuss as you do," he said.

"Oh, oh God," Hidan gasped, grabbing fistfuls of his hair and closing his eyes, breathing in short, quick breaths. "I'm dying. I'm gonna die. I'm—ow, ow, oww…"

Kakuzu stared in disbelief as Hidan's 'ow's' gradually morphed into something resembling a cross between weak laughter and sobbing, the soft, keening noises the most pitiful thing he'd ever heard in his life.

"Hidan…are you crying?"

"Kill me," he moaned, in between his sobbing-laughing noises. "For God's sake…"

"You're pathetic," Kakuzu said scornfully. "I thought you liked pain."

"Not this kind of pain!"

"So there's a difference?"


Kakuzu shrugged and went back to work. Pulling a fresh sheet of paper from his clipboard, he cast aside his old one, doing his best to tune out the sounds of his partner's agony.

For a few minutes, he was actually able to ignore Hidan's squalling, his mind blissfully devoid of all thought save for his silent, beautiful numbers. He tapped away at his calculator, content as he filled in the columns of the balance sheet. All was well for at least five minutes.

Then Hidan rolled off the bed.

Kakuzu lifted his head at the sudden, loud thump, turning to see Hidan sprawled on the floor facedown, still clutching his stomach.

"Make it stop…!" he wailed into the carpet. "God, I swear I'll pray more often, and kill more people, and, and—oh-I'll-do-anything-just-make-it-go-away-please...!"

Kakuzu sighed.

"If it hurts so much, just go to the hospital."

"Can't move," Hidan groaned through gritted teeth. "Stomach…melting."

Kakuzu stared down at him, expressionless as he tapped his pencil.

"Seriously," Hidan said weakly. "Kakuzu. Help me."

"I'm not dragging your sorry ass to the hospital," Kakuzu said shortly.

"No…just, cut off my head or something…sever the connection between pain receptors," Hidan said in a rush, a note of desperation entering his voice. "Do it!"


"Why the hell not?" he practically shrieked.

"I just invested $2500 to get wall-to-wall carpeting. I don't want you bleeding all over it, you fool."

"Carpet?" Hidan hissed venomously. "You're hanging me out to dry over fucking carpet?"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"Bastard," Hidan groaned, rolling onto his side and curling into a tighter ball. "I hope you rot in hell."

Kakuzu said nothing, settling for observing the interesting colour his partner's face was turning. Hidan had gone even paler, his sweating face acquiring a green tinge. His normally well-kept hair was strewn about and in utter disarray, strands of it sticking to his sweating forehead. Upon rolling onto his back with a moan of agony, Kakuzu noticed him shaking uncontrollably, eyes screwed shut and gasping as though he'd run a marathon.

His face became greener.

Kakuzu suddenly shot to his feet, eyes widening when he realized what the symptoms were amounting to.


"I'm dying," Hidan whispered, completely in shock. "I can see heaven…"

"That's the light bulb you're looking at, jackass," Kakuzu retorted, bending down and hooking his arms beneath Hidan's, lifting him into a sitting position. Hidan slumped back against Kakuzu's knees, head lolling listlessly onto his shoulder as his hands moved to clutch at his stomach again.

"Hell," Hidan moaned, as Kakuzu stooped and grabbed his wrists, dragging him backwards into the adjoining bathroom. "Rot in hell, Kakuzu…you and your fucking Chinese food."

Kakuzu shouldered the door open and dragged Hidan over the blue bathroom tiles, past the sink, tub, and linen closet. He stopped before the toilet.

He stooped again and lifted Hidan to his feet.

"Kakuzu," Hidan said weakly, blinking blearily at him in confusion. "What the hell are you—oof!"

Hidan fell to his knees, doubling over as Kakuzu lowered his fist back to his side, looking satisfied.

Then, as soon as Hidan slapped his hand to his mouth, Kakuzu forced him to turn around and leaned him over the white basin.

A moment's silence, and then the washroom echoed with the sounds of Hidan retching violently into the toilet.

Kakuzu stood there complacently, relieved that he'd moved Hidan from the room just in time. He didn't know what he would have done if his partner had thrown up on the beautiful cream-coloured carpet.

The retching continued for about a minute and a half or so, and then stopped abruptly. Hidan slumped over, clutching the white basin and panting heavily. Kakuzu wet a hand towel and threw it at him, flushing the toilet as Hidan peeled the wet cloth off the back of his head, somehow managing to wipe his mouth.

Then he collapsed.

Rolling his eyes, Kakuzu reached down once more and grabbed his wrists, dragging him back out of the bathroom and into their room. Hidan blinked blearily up at his partner, looking both miserable and relieved as Kakuzu picked him up and dumped him unceremoniously on the bed.

Hidan lay there, saying nothing as Kakuzu walked back to his own bed, picking up his pencil and clipboard as he sat down.

"Feeling better?" Kakuzu asked sarcastically.

Hidan said nothing, nodding listlessly instead.

The room was blissfully silent for nearly five minutes, until Hidan finally spoke, sounding unusually calm.



"If you ever buy fucking Chinese again, I'll personally make sure to eviscerate you and leave your digestive entrails in the middle of a vulture-infested desert, you miserable asshole."

"Hm. Better write that down, then," Kakuzu replied nonchalantly, tossing him a scrunched up piece of paper.

It bounced off his chest and rolled over onto the bed.

Hidan reached for it, weakly unfurling it and raising it to his eyes.

Come to Johnny Wu's new Chinese restaurant! Low, low prices and excellent Chinese cuisine! Cash only. Buffets on Tuesday—

Hidan slowly lowered the paper, turning his head to stare at Kakuzu in utter loathing.

"…I hate you."