Sanity is a fleeting thing, and yet we cling to it so desperately, going to great lengths to safe guard it from anything we perceive as a threat. The problem with that, though, is that there are times that the threat is possibly the best thing for us and sanity the worst.
I'm sure you wondering what I mean, aren't you? Or maybe, you're wondering where I'm speaking from, what experience allowed me to tell you anything about sanity. I suppose it's only fair I tell you if I expect you to continue to listen to anything I have to say.
I have had many names in the course of my life. The one I've gone by most, though, would be Kurama. Some know me as Youko, some as Minamino Shuichi, but those that know me best know me as Kurama. Though, to say they know me better may be inaccurate. They know part of me better, that's it really. Though, I think 'know me' may be accurate for at least one of them, perhaps two. Yes, two of them know me.
Now, for why I can speak to you about sanity, since I'm sure you're wondering. I was born, or maybe created, a kitsune, a spirit fox bound to serve Inari. Inari is both master and mistress. We kitsune serve as messengers when needed and are free to pursue our own goals when not needed. We are very sensual creatures so many of our pursuits are those of pleasure. I became bored with such simple conquests. It is quite easy to seduce any partner when you're as beautiful and as strong as I was. So, I learned to open locks, crack seals and the like. I became a thief, and because of a mildly perfectionistic and egotistical streak, I became the best. I had partners from time to time, some I cast off because they served my purposes no longer, some that I sought to punish, though that didn't always succeed, relying on others as it did. I've lost partners for foolish reasons on their part. I've even lost the strength to maintain my own body through folly of my own.
This last forced me to find a refuge in the Ningenkai, a place where we kitsune have had a poor reputation, though I did find that in the time I found myself, most people didn't believe we existed. But, I had to find a body that hadn't been firmly ensouled, an unborn body to recover in. I found an unborn male child whose soul was very weak at the time. He agreed to share his body with me if I would help him become stronger. I didn't know that agreement would bind us so closely.
I grew stronger and he grew less distinct, less separate from me. I should have been able to leave in his tenth year of life, and believe me, living as a child when you haven't been that young in over a millennium is quite difficult and taxing. As I was saying, I should have been able to leave, but unfortunately the time with him changed me more than time with any of my partners had. His mother had a lot to do with that. She is a very caring woman, who, despite the fact that she lost her husband, taught me the meaning of self-sacrifice and love. I stayed for her, and as I came to understand later, for the soul of the one who gave me his body. I learned later, after I could no longer feel the separation between us, his soul would not have survived, and without his soul, his body would have died, leaving his mother alone, bereft. When I fully understood this…I get ahead of myself. I should explain how I came to fully understand these things, shouldn't I?
I should tell you a little more before I start my tale, just so you know who it is I am talking about. Other than my mother, there are four that play a role and two of those are very important roles.
Koenma, child of Enma, ruler of the underworld. He is in charge of the gates of judgment and the Reikai Tantei, as well as parole for criminals. I was on parole. I willingly turned myself in for a crime I committed so that I could stay with my human mother and…well, I begin to get a head of myself again.
Kuwabara Kazuma, a human, one of the only fully humans that knows me as Kurama. He is one of the Reikai Tantei, though he came to it through another. He does have a remarkable amount of sensitivity to spiritual matters and a very strong honor code, which I admire. He is very loyal and willing to stand up for those he likes.
Hiei, a forbidden one, the child of a koorime and a hiyoukai. Koorime are supposed to reproduce only asexually and only produce female offspring. Hiei's mother defied these conventions and Hiei was punished for it, thrown out from the koorime society and forced to become a thief in the wilds of the Makai in order to survive. He cared about his sister, however, a great deal, and wanted to keep her safe, not only from those that roam the Makai, but also from those that threw him out, so he allowed himself to be implanted with a jagan, a third eye that would allow him to watch over her from a distance. It is through him that I became involved with the tantei, but I'll go into that in a moment.
Urameshi Yusuke, a puzzle even now. He died, but the manner of his death as well as the timing of it was unexpected. He was a punk, one who didn't care for anyone other than himself. He died trying to keep a kid from being run over. Since there was no room for him at the time in the afterlife, he was permitted to live, provided that he became the Reikai Tantei.
So, the stage is set, but I need to go back a moment and explain how I met Hiei before I can explain the rest.
I was fourteen at the time. Or, rather, my body was fourteen since we've established that I myself am much older than my body. Things were going as they should. I went to school, did my homework. There was a girl who had a crush on me, but I was beginning to feel vague stirrings of something and didn't want her involved, so I ignored her hesitant advances, trying not to hurt her feelings if things changed later. Fourteen, almost fifteen years is a very long time for a sensual creature to go without contact, but in an odd way, sharing the body with the other's soul, oh, how shall I refer to him? I supposed I could call him Shuichi. Yes, I'll go with that. Sharing a body with Shuichi was very sensual. I was amazed at the feeling. And it grew deeper as we spent longer together. That should have been a clue, but I only knew our contact became deeper and more satisfying.
As I was saying, I saw no need to pursue anything and a very large reason not to. Something was stirring, and I could feel it coming for me. I didn't want anyone to get involved, but somehow, the creature that was after me found out about her. He took her and forced me to face him. In the process, I met and fought Hiei. He thought I was working for the demon that had come after me. I aided his recovery from the wounds I was forced to inflict on him and made a discovery that shocked me. He was a koorime. Koorime were only female. I knew this. I'd stolen some of their tear gems. He was also a hiyoukai. To say I was surprised was an understatement. We joined forces and defeated the other demon and I was forced to modify the girl's memory. I made her forget her crush on me because I didn't need to foster prospects any more. Another demon would be a better distraction than a human, after all.
Almost two years later, Hiei approached me to help him steal some items from Enma's vaults. His idea was to take the dark objects and take over the Ningenkai. At the time, my mother was very ill and one of the objects would help me cure her. Shuichi agreed with this idea, though I'm not sure if he completely realized that succeeding in making her well would remove us from her life. Or if he did, he knew he was a lot closer to the ending of his life. I should have realized it, but then, at the time, I was focused on our mother.
We succeeded, though I detested the third that Hiei brought in. Yusuke found us as we were parting our ways. In him, I saw a way out of the certainty of my…our death. He was compassionate. I saw that when he looked at me. So, the next time I saw him, I told him I'd turn myself in if he gave me three days. It was three days to the full moon, and the mirror, the item I wanted, would only work on the night of the full moon. He agreed. He trusted me. This I don't understand, even to this day. He trusted me even though he didn't know me.
I still wanted to foster his trust so I invited him with me to visit my mother. I knew it would make him uncomfortable, but he needed to understand, I needed him to feel compassion. I needed him to feel sorry for me and make a move to help me.
He did, he offered some of his life. My mother recovered. I turned myself in as I said I would. It really was the least I could do since I'd so blatantly used him. It was only right. I may be a thief, but as a kitsune, I am bound to my word.
When he fought Hiei, I was there. I did what I could to help him, which ended up being a sword through the gut. It hurt, but I am a demon, so it would heal, I knew that. By a fluke, he won. Fortune seems to favor him ridiculously. It really is quite amazing.
So, when is it I realized that we were no longer two distinct personalities? It came in the Ankoku Bujutsukai.
Let me explain a little more before I go into that or things may not make sense. Because I didn't leave when he was ten, my powers became limited to what he could deal with going through his body and spirit. That was quiet sufficient since his spirit was so open to mine, but I still could not focus all my power through him. He was still human, you see, and not able to channel through the power of a kitsune. During the tournament, we had to face a demon by the name of Karasu. Karasu was quite a powerful demon. We both knew that it would be quite a stretch for us to defeat him with just the power I could use with him. He became very quiet, and had I not been so worried, I probably would have questioned him.
During one of our matches, one with a demon by the name of Uraurashima, my true form was brought out by a newly found plant of the Makai, the fruit of past life. Here, we saw a way to defeat Karasu and we eagerly accepted it. He was still subdued, I realize as I look back on the situation now. I was distracted, though. I was watching Karasu, trying to understand how his power worked. Through his eyes, I couldn't see it. I knew it had something to do with focusing energy, but I thought it was through his hands, through his touch. I think he may have known I was wrong, but he never told me. Either way, I believed that we could win if I took my form during my fight with Karasu and he did nothing to dissuade me.
The night before our fight with Karasu, he was a most fervent lover, if that word can be used for those that share a body. The things he did still leave me reeling when I think of them too deeply. I should have seen it for what it was. I should have known what was coming, but I merely allowed myself to enjoy the pleasure he gave me. I never dreamed it would be the last or we wouldn't have slept at all that night. I planned on reciprocating the next night. I was so confident. So very confident.
Our fight with Karasu started badly. The fruit didn't work as quickly as it had and we began the fight in his body. It seems odd to say "his body" now since it is…I get ahead of myself. We started the match in his body even though we'd taken the fruit of past life. It should have been working and I was frantic, but he was calm. Karasu taunted us about arriving in his body, but we assured him we would win.
During the course of the fight, we came to understand, I came to understand that Karasu was a quest class demon, the same as I was, am. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out the proper tense, you know? But, the point is I had to manifest my body in order to channel enough energy to continue the fight. When his body became threatened, a gate opened and I managed to manifest. The fight seemed to turn in my favor, for a time, but just when I thought it was over, Karasu rallied. I realize now, looking back, that he had expected this. Our fight was prolonged and my life was in danger. He, by some miracle, managed to save us and to channel the last bit of his life's force into enacting a plan and summoning the plant needed to finish it, though he shouldn't have been able to. I remember still his last words, "I'm sorry." He was sorry he didn't manage to win. He fell silent, but I didn't worry about it too much. I was too wiped to worry about it at that time. Yusuke helped me out of the ring. It's just me now, not us. I should have known that then when Yusuke's touch affected me so deeply. Yusuke helped me out of the ring and gently set me to the side. I could feel Hiei reach out to me with his ki, unwilling to move physically in the presence of so many demons. I think maybe they knew. I've never actually asked them because it's still too painful.
We won, our team did, even though I lost. I was the only one to loose their fight, but no one said anything about that. No one mentioned it. That night, Hiei slept in the bed with me, holding me. I didn't understand just yet. I accepted his affection, rare in itself. He was a gentle lover, despite how cold and aloof he came across to others. He slowly drew me to heights of passion, gently pushing me higher than he had before. I think he was trying to distract me. I never questioned that he wanted to stay with me. My brain hadn't recovered before I fell asleep.
I woke to Yusuke gently stroking my face. Hiei had woken before me and they refused to leave me alone. I didn't question their affection. I just accepted it. It still hadn't…I still hadn't realized. But not for much longer. "What did I do to deserve this?" I asked playfully, caressing his arm.
His eyes were pained, "I don't know that deserve is the right word, Kurama."
"What do you mean?" I struggled to sit up. He helped me, keeping his arms around my body.
"Haven't you noticed? Even Kuwabara's said something."
"Noticed what?" I was confused.
"Can you still feel him?" he asked, looking over my shoulder.
I opened my mouth to say something, I don't know what any more, when I suddenly realized that I couldn't feel Shuichi anymore. My eyes went wide and breathing became suddenly more difficult than I ever remember it being, even when we'd first been born. The air was thick and my lungs were painfully inadequate. My heart was a burning knife that stabbed with each pulse, each beat. I think I cried. I'm sure I did. When I was aware of anything outside my pain, Yusuke's shoulder was wet and my face felt wet. He held me, Hiei held me. I hadn't meant for him to die. My presence wasn't supposed to kill Shuichi. What would that do to his mother? I cried again, tears for a woman who never really knew her son, though she thought she did. It was toward late afternoon before I was calm again. I felt empty, hollow. They led me down to the hotel lobby and we ate. I remember putting the food in my mouth, but not much more than that. I remember drinking tea, as well, but I don't know what it tasted like. It was just there. I was numb, my body hollow, echoing in ways it hadn't before. I missed him and I tried not to think about him. It's very difficult not to think about someone when you can see their body, their hands, their hair as it falls before their eyes. It's impossible to not think about someone when you are in their body.
I think Yusuke and Hiei were worried about me. Over the next couple of weeks, I was never left alone. One of them was with me if I wasn't at school. It was difficult to keep up the persona Shuichi and I had developed. But, as time went by, I became able to access parts of our memories he'd blocked from me. I didn't know he'd been able to do that. It was then, in my period of mourning, that I came to understand him better, and the lengths he went to to maintain sanity when I'd taken over his life, and the measures he'd taken to ensure mine.
The first things I began to remember were from the tournament. He knew that he was weakening. Not that he was that strong before, but his borrowed time was running out and he was very aware of it. He didn't want me to know how truly weak he'd become because he knew it would distract me. Strangely, it was his weakness that allowed him to channel my strength and save our life. My life, actually, since he sacrificed himself. He knew, going into the tournament, he was unlikely to survive. Hiei was sitting at my window while I sat at my desk. When I gasped in surprise, Hiei was by my side, his eyes full of concern, though they were the only part of his body to show it. "He knew he wouldn't survive and planned to do whatever he could." I actually felt awe more than sadness as I said this. Hiei's hand went to my cheek and slid into my hair. I brought my hand up to his, smiling, "He wanted our body to continue so that our mother wouldn't be sad."
He looked thoughtful a moment before he spoke, "Genkai told us that he wouldn't have survived had you not joined with him. He wouldn't have been born. You gave him the chance to know his mother."
I pulled his hand to my lips. "Thank you." I pulled him closer and he allowed me to pull him onto my lap and nuzzle my head into his neck. He wrapped his arms around me, his hands caressing my hair down my back. I sighed as my hands caressed his back. He held me and my eyes watered again, but the tears were slower, the pain less acute.
I was so tired that I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up again, I was in my bed between Yusuke and Hiei. They were both holding me, asleep. Hiei woke just after I did and looked into my eyes. "You okay?" he asked softly.
I remained silent for a moment. "I'm getting there. I'm glad you two are here." I felt Yusuke's arm tighten around me. I felt something in my mind shake, though. "I don't know what I'd do without you," my voice broke and they both tightened their arms around me. I could feel something in me start to crack, threaten to break. Desperately, I reached out for Hiei, pulling him into me, pressing his lips to mine. I only knew one way to stop the uncertain wavering. They both responded, giving me what I wanted, what I thought I needed. Hiei allowed me to try to find sanity in the depths of his mouth. Yusuke's lips touched my neck. Many times, we'd been in this position. They both were adept at making me forget my grief.
Unexpectedly, though, Hiei pulled back. Yusuke left my neck as well, as if they'd planned it. I tried to pull Hiei back to me, tried to lean far enough into Yusuke to have him restart his affections. Hiei took my shoulders and shook me. "No," he said.
I pulled at his arms, at his body. I tried to get him closer to me, feeling the cracks in my mind widening. I would be swallowed by it. I think I begged, pleaded for comfort, but they wouldn't give it to me. Yusuke left the bed and I turned, desperate to keep him near me. He wouldn't come back, though. I tried to leave the bed, to follow him, but Hiei's arms wrapped around me, holding me still, but not comforting me. I shook, I fought.
I need, I need! NOOOO! No, I don't want this!
My mind teetered on the brink. I struggled to stay to keep my sanity. Sanity was all I had left. I didn't have Shuichi any more. I didn't have my life in the Makai any more. What else could be left? Only my sanity. I needed it. They had to give it to me. I could feel my body shaking, trembling. I couldn't bear the thought of falling. I tried to turn to face Hiei and he wouldn't let me. He kept me on the bed, but he wouldn't do more than hold me.
I fell into the darkness. My mind was assaulted by memories, but they weren't my memories. They couldn't have been mine. I shook, unable to defend myself from the assault.
Nothing made sense even though I tried to make it make sense. Things came at me too quickly, flashes, gone before I could sort them out.
I saw our mother's face as she looked at us, not knowing it was us.
But, she did know it was us.
I heard her words, "Thank you for giving my baby strength."
I saw…I heard…more…my mind shuddered under each assault. Each surety I thought we had. Each lie I'd told myself…all of it attacked by his memories of our time together.
He didn't like my choice in companions. He would have preferred the girl that had a crush on us. He put up with Hiei and Yusuke because he knew I would have the body longer than he would. Guilt joined the assault. He had mastered his revulsion towards male flesh for me. He understood my reasons, but he still wished for female companionship. Had I but known…
He didn't approve of my choice of occupation, but he accepted it because I had been alive for so much longer than he had and would continue to live after he had.
He put up with so much for my sake. I never knew of his disapproval. Never tasted his disgust. I never paid attention to him.
I wept as guilt assaulted my already crumbling sanity. I though I had taken steps for him and it was really all for me. The one selfless thing I thought I had managed, sharing my life with him, sharing my strength, had truly been the most selfish thing I'd ever done. I was a greedy uncaring bastard, and he gave so much to me, even his own life.
I don't remember what else happened. I don't remember how much was torn from me. Yusuke and Hiei had scratches on them, some fairly deep, when I came back to myself. There was a lot of blood on the bed. Hiei's hands were cut, to the bone in some places. If he hadn't been a demon, he probably would have lost the use of his hands. Yusuke's face bore signs of being cut by a blade. I started to cry and they both said "No."
"What do you mean no? Look at you two. I did that. Everything I touch becomes corrupt and dies."
Yusuke shook me, "No, that's not true, Kurama. You gave him a life he wouldn't have had."
"But it wasn't a life he would have chosen!" I wailed.
Hiei backhanded me and I glared at him. Our gazed remained locked, him unmovable, me angry, until my eyes dropped. It was then I saw the cuts on my wrists and up my arms. Their depth was uneven and I realized that Hiei and Yusuke received their cuts stopping me from hurting myself. "I'm sorry," I whispered. My arms began to throb in time to my heartbeat. They were mostly scabbed over, but a couple of the deeper ones still oozed a little. I could feel tears wanting to form at my eyes, but my body felt so dried out, I wasn't sure I could cry anymore. I struggled to push myself up, "Let me tend your cuts."
Hiei helped me sit up but said, "No, you will let us tend to you."
I couldn't muster much to put behind the words, but I managed to say, "I wounded you, I should tend to them."
Yusuke caressed my face gently from where he knelt on the floor, "You need to let us take care of you for a little bit." He looked tired, so very tired.
"How long have you two been watching over me?" I asked, my voice sounding hollow to my own ears.
Yusuke shrugged, "Doesn't matter."
"It does," I insisted, though I couldn't rouse the passion to make it more than a flat statement.
There was a moment of silence where I watched the wounds on my arm ooze. It had to have been some time. But, how long?
"Three days since you were last lucid," Hiei finally answered. "I was about to send him to Master Genkai if you hadn't come around."
"Why?" my voice sounded dead in my ears.
Yusuke reached up and rubbed my arm. I looked at him and he looked down and then at me again, "You weren't healing, Kurama. You were running away from your memories…his memories…everything. We helped you run away because we thought maybe that would really help you."
Hiei continued, "But, all we did was prolong your recovery. We should have let you go through this before we left Hangneck Island, though I don't think you were ready just then."
We sat silently a long time, Yusuke's hand on my arm, Hiei sitting next to me. Yusuke's eyes begged for understanding and forgiveness while they held a world of compassion. I looked over at Hiei and he met my gaze, no apology in his eyes, only compassion. "Will you allow us to continue caring for you?" he asked softly.
I was so tired, too tired to say no, so I nodded my head, leaning into his shoulder. Yusuke stood and gently lifted me off the bed. Hiei went and opened the doors for him. They took me into the bathroom, Hiei drawing a bath while Yusuke carefully washed my body. When the water was running, Hiei came over and washed my hair, massaging my scalp tenderly. There were places that hurt when his fingers went over them. The water that ran off my body and hair when they rinsed me was tinged pink, even the shampoo was tinged pink. I couldn't rouse myself enough to care if I tried, so I didn't try.
Yusuke gently lifted me into the tub when Hiei turned off the water. My body was so heavy it would have been so easy to slip under the water. So very easy, but they wouldn't let me. "Why won't you let me go?" I ask, my voice whiny.
Hiei growled, "That question is so out of character, I'm going to ignore it."
"Why are you still here? I've hurt you, I've tried to kill myself, buy the looks of it," I lifted my arms out of the water. "Why do you stay? It's out of character for a demon to stop another demon from killing themselves."
Hiei's eyes remained on the water, "He asked me to make sure you live."
This pulled me up short from starting on a tirade. "He…he asked you…?"
Hiei looked toward my feet, "When I first met you, after we fought and you helped me, I used the jagan on you. He asked that I make sure you live, no matter what happened to him. I agreed, mostly because I didn't think it would matter. Your will to live was too strong for you to need me. Just before your fight with Karasu, he reminded me of my promise."
"The sneak," I managed.
"He had a good teacher," Yusuke grinned at me, though the expression looked more like it hoped to be a grin than was actually there. I felt my lips quirk in response and his grin became a little more real.
My eyes returned to the water and my face felt heavy, my whole body felt heavy. It'd be so easy to let my face fall into the water and not pull it back out. That thought startled me a little and I straighten a little, still looking at the water. Why, when I fought so hard against it, would I welcome death now? If I followed through with that line of thought, I would make his life, his death worthless. He died for me. He sacrificed every aspect of himself for me. Is this how I repaid him? My eyes came up to the faucet. I couldn't let…I couldn't do that to him. I felt the apathy draining from me, slowly. My head felt a little lighter, my heart had room to beat.
I managed a half laugh, which drew a hum of question from Yusuke. I began speaking, my eyes still on the faucet, "I have been acting stupidly. I've not been facing anything since …since Shuichi killed Karasu." I looked up and met Yusuke's brown eyes, bringing my hand out of the water to touch his cheek. "Thank you," I whispered softly, leaning in to brush his lips with mine, just gratitude and appreciation in the touch. I looked at Hiei and reached for him. He took my hand in his and I tugged him lightly. He came to me and let me kiss him.
I suddenly felt so tired. I leaned back against the tub and had trouble keeping my eyes open. I yawned widely, feeling it down to my toes and Yusuke caressed my hair at my temple, "Let's get you to bed, you need some rest." He lifted me ever so gently out of the tub and held me against his body while Hiei dried me. I was vaguely aware that Yusuke didn't have a shirt on, though he did have pants. I was too tired to look and see what kind, but they were softer than jeans. He picked me up and carried me to my room and Hiei continued to work on my hair, his hands warm, drying it as he massaged my scalp. I don't remember being put into bed. I remember being held and comforted.
I woke in Yusuke's arms. He was still asleep and the sun streamed through my window. His back was to the wall and I was facing the room. I didn't see Hiei, but the room looked like it'd been cleaned. There wasn't blood on the sheets any more. Yusuke remained sleeping soundly as I slowly slid out of the bed. Yusuke muttered in his sleep and settled on the bed. I smiled at him fondly before I turned to go to the door. I looked down and realized they'd dressed me in sleeping pants so I didn't bother with a robe.
When I opened the door, the smell of cooking reached my nose, making my stomach remind me it needed attention. I made my way downstairs, clinging to the rail since my legs were unsteady. Hiei's expression softened when he turned and saw me in the doorway. "Where's the detective?" he asked, turning back to tend the food on the stove.
"I'm awake," Yusuke's voice came from behind me as he wrapped his arms around me and leaned into my shoulder. "How you doin'?" he yawned out, nuzzling me.
I overlapped his arms with mine and leaned into him slightly, "Better, thanks to you both." I turned in Yusuke's arms, "Why don't you sleep some more, you still look exhausted?"
He yawned again, burying it in my shoulder, "Hungry, then we'll go back to sleep, kay?"
I hugged him, "Okay." I didn't feel tired anymore. I felt more like myself than I had…in a long time. I felt whole, like my body did indeed belong to me. As I held Yusuke, as Hiei cooked, I understood that the sanity I'd been clinging to, even to the separation between Shuichi and I, was what limited me, was what kept me from saving Shuichi, from defeating Karasu without loosing the battle to him. It was then, I realized I'd been lying to myself and the two with me supported me while I learned that lesson. I tightened my arms around Yusuke. No reward would ever be enough. "Thank you," I whispered.
"If I ever need it, return the favor," he murmured, nuzzling again into my shoulder. I think he was asleep on his feet.
I looked over at Hiei. His eyes were on me, "I ask the same."
I nodded, understanding what he asked.
So, now you understand a little. I admit to skipping a lot of details because they are still painful to think about. As time has progressed, I have remembered more of what happened during those three days, but at that time, I didn't know. While I don't flinch away from the memories when they come, I don't want to linger on them. Both Yusuke and Hiei have called in their favors, though I really wish they hadn't had to. But, I was there for them as they were there for me. One thing I have learned, though. Clinging to what I want things to be only hurts myself and those I hold dear. Yes, hold dear. I, Youko Kurama, thief, libertine, kitsune, have come to cherish those two beyond any measure I would have thought possible. That, truly, is Shuichi's gift to me.
A/N: This is from a while ago. I decided to share it here. I noticed a big change in Kurama's character between the Ankoku Bujutsukai and the Sensui arc...I thought there had to be a reason. This is what fell out of my head when I was questioning my own sanity at being denied an opportunity to write when I first woke up. I am truly addicted to the written word. It's almost sad.
I don't own 'em