What No Money Can Buy

Okay, so we're back to the beginning. Me with no job, no friends, and now, no family. I sat on the couch of my torn apartment and ate a can of split pea soup. Hakudoshi was right, this shit is disgusting. I glanced over to the picture on the end table. He, Kagura, Kanna and I were all there, Kagura flipping the bird to a guy behind the photographer who was winking provocatively at her, Kanna was staring somewhere over the guy's shoulder, Hakudoshi had kicked me in my balls again, wearing that smile of great satisfaction, and I was bent over in pain. I gave a huge sigh. Those were the good times.

My phone rang. I didn't recognize the number on the caller ID, so I ignored it. After a moment, my voice came on. "Shh, shh, you two be quiet. Hey, you've reached Naraku's residence and Onigumo doesn't live here. If you have a message, make it quick, though I can't guarantee you that I'll check it. Also- Hakudoshi! Don't Rock Bottom your sister! Okay, now where was I? Oh, um...damn! Alright, let me start all over again. Hey, this is Naraku, Onigumo doesn't live here-"

In the background, I could hear Hakudoshi's voice. "Yeah, that broke ass spider Onigumo lives here! I bet no one knew that he's still a virgin! And he lived with his mom until he was thirty! And he wears scrotum-squeezers! And also-" My voice cut back in, yelling "Shut the fuck up! Go outside and play or something."

Hakudoshi's voice replied with, "Oh, you mean go play in the streets? We don't have a back yard anymore thanks to your broke ass!" I could hear the door opening and then being slammed shut.

"So, where were we again? Oh yeah, if you have a message, make it quick 'cause-"

Now Kanna interrupted me. "Naraku, I'm hungry."

My clothes could be heard rustling as I tried to shoo her away. "Go make a sandwich or something."

"There's nothing in the cabinets but spiders and roaches."

I gave a grunt, then said, "Fine, I'll go get something or whatever. Just leave me be!"

Kanna grew silent for a moment, then said, "Everything you do will fail until you do right by me."

I stopped my umpteenth attempt to record the voice message and stared at her. "I don't give a damn! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

The girl could be heard leaving. By this time, I was so exasperated that I just said, "Just leave a message after the beep," and ended my message.

That whole thing ended up being about five minutes. No one was going to wait that long. And yet, someone had! A red flashing told me that I had a message. I pressed the button to listen. "Mr. Onigumo, this is O'Brian Electric Company. I'm calling on behalf of your late bills. We have yet to have received a payment from you. You said that you needed to get some money wired to you from your mother, but that was over a month ago. Then you said your cousin in the U.S. had it, but we've checked your files and you don't have a cousin, only an uncle who escaped from a mental rehab and is now living in Ireland, fishing for boots in the sea and selling them for double the price it cost to buy them in the first place. We've come to the conclusion that you have no plans on paying us, therefore we will have to cut off your power. The next time we meet, Mr. Onigumo, we'd like you to have our money, cash preferably."

The beep sounded to announce the end of the message. "Fucking bill collectors! Worse than the IRS. Going to turn my power off? Please! Why the hell is it still on then?" Just then the lights flickered, then everything went dark. My phobia flared for just a minute, but I was able to think about the possibilities of going to something like Pudding Phobia Anonymous and that quelled it. Yeah, even though I'm not scared of banana pudding, I'd like to see those courageous men and women who are there because they know that they can overcome their fears. Though even I have to admit that being scared of pudding is a bit...off? I sighed and continued eating the worst soup ever invented. Campbell's needs to be slapped for even letting this hit the shelves.

~Meanwhile at Sesshomaru's castle~

Kagura and Sesshomaru were sitting on his living room couch, her hands in his. "Kagura, you mean more to me than you'll ever know. I've had people who've come into my life, but leave just as quickly to go...other places. But I want you to always be with me. That's why I got you this." He turned around and pulled a red gift-wrapped box out of his pocket.

"Oh, Sesshomaru! You couldn't! You really shouldn't have!"

"Oh, I know. That's why I didn't," he said and handed the box to her.

She opened it and her smile disappeared. "What the hell is this?"

"A calling card! I didn't ever want to lose contact with you so I got you one. Most people who enter my life leave so quickly. Well, then again, those people are usually dead by my hands, but that's beside the point. Now we can always talk to each other, no matter where we are. Isn't that great?"

Kagura put the box down on the coffee table. "Sesshomaru, I thought that you were going to give me a ring."

Sesshomaru looked completely confused. "Why would I do something stupid like that?"

"Because I thought that...that...that you loved me," Kagura finished lamely.

Sesshomaru gave a huge sigh and sat back. Damn, how do I get myself into these situations? First Sara, then Yura, now Kagura. What am I, the most eligible bachelor? "Look, Kagura, it's not that I don't care about you or anything, it's just that, well, there's others who want a taste of my love juice too. I can't just give it to one person 'cause that wouldn't be fair to the other women. You see what I'm saying?"

Kagura stared at him for a moment, then slapped him hard across the face. "Do you know what the fuck you're saying? That doesn't even make sense! 'My love juice'! Is that supposed to be another way of saying Pimp Juice?"

"Of course not," Sesshomaru said, taking her hands in his again. "But you're the first person that I've ever cared about enough to get them a calling card. Isn't that saying something?"

Yeah, that you're extremely cheap, Kagura thought.

"So," Sesshomaru said, giving her a smirk. "Want to have a turn with the Silver Arrow? It bends easily and is adjustable to any handler." Kagura looked at him and smirked too. In a flash, she had grabbed him by his hand and was pulling him toward his room.

Slamming the door behind them, Sesshomaru commenced to trying to undress her, but her obi was stopping him. He was just about to cut through it when Kanna burst from the closet.

"You two are gonna fuck, aren't ya?" She screamed for just about everyone to hear, while she jumped on the bed. "Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!"

"Kanna, get the hell out!" Kagura snapped. She left, but not without throwing a knowing smile over her shoulder before she disappeared around the corner.

"Now where were we?" Sesshomaru asked sexily, but stopped again. Looking around the room, he called out, "Is there anyone else who would like to leave?" No answer. Clearing his throat, his voice became deeper, more menacing. "I said, is there anyone who would like to leave?"

A rustle under the bed led to a disgruntled Jaken crawling out, muttering and mumbling something that sounded like "Can't ever catch a good flick."

Sesshomaru surveyed the room one more time before finally turning back to Kagura. "The room is completely empty this time. So, how about we hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, baby?" Kagura just pushed him on the bed...

Down in the living room, Hakudoshi was trying to hit on Rin again. "Say, lil momma, why don't you let me hit up them digits?"

"We live in the same house now, idiot," she said impassively, looking at a JC Penny's catalog.

Hakudoshi picked it up from her and flipped to the jewelry section. "Baby, you know I can treat you right. I can get you this..." He looked closer at the page. "Comm-emor-ative pat-e-num, I mean, platinum memory bracelet..." He trailed off noticing all of the charms on the bracelet. This girl wants to remember ice skaing, some movie, a kiss, a dog, sunglasses?...being in Girl Scouts, and a piece of candy. What the fuck?! And all of this for...$200!

"Um, you know what Rin? You don't need a tacky bracelet. How about I give you..." He noticed the red box on the table and handed it to her.

She opened it, looking genuinely surprised. However, when she noticed what it was, her expression went back to being unimpressed.. "Hakudoshi, this is tacky."

"Maybe it is and that's why Kagura left it here. Or maybe she liked it too much and that's why she and Sesshomaru are up there doing the do now."

Rin came to an abrupt halt in her reading. "What?!"

"Yeah, Kanna said that they're about to do that grown-up wrestling."

Rin threw the catalog aside and raced up the stairs, Hakudoshi right behind her. Without even waiting to be told to come in, she burst through the door. "Noooooo, Lord Sesshomaru! You can't make babies with her! You just can't!" But neither was naked. Both sat fully clothed, a Scrabble game between them.

Kagura looked thoughtfully at the board for a moment before laying down all of her letters. Afterward, she sat back with a satisfactory smile on her face. "Cosmography. It's worth 39 points which gives me 110 points, making me the winner five games straight."

Sesshomaru screamed and flung the board through the window, not caring about breaking it. Then he started to chew on the letters like a mad man. Everyone stood back, not wanting to become the object of his wrath. After five minutes, and after a moment in which Sesshomaru had transformed into his dog state, he calmed down and turned back. As though nothing had happened, he turned to Rin and asked, "Now what was it you wanted? Something about making babies?"

"Um, nothing," Rin said and backed slowly out of the room, then made a dash downstairs.

Kanna was now sitting on the sofa, reading the magazine. "I want to go back to Naraku's," she said in her normal whispery voice.

"Yeah, me too," Hakudoshi said. "This place just has too much drama for me. I'll go get Entei." A moment later, they both were on their way.

~Back at Naraku's slum~

I had just finished eating that disgusting ass split pea soup when a loud pounding came from the door. "Who's there?" I called out.

"Me, now answer the door, he-bitch! I'm freezing my chestnuts off out here!"

Hakudoshi. I opened the door a crack, keeping the chain lock in place. Not for long. He kicked the door open, making it crash into my face. The little bastard and his sister walked by me and threw their stuff on the living room couch. So much for finally having some peace and quiet. Just as I was about to shut the door again, Kagura walked in. "What happened to you and Sesshomaru? I thought you just adored that damn hippie."

"He wasn't all cracked up as I had hoped. The guy has some serious issues that he needs to work on, especially with spelling."

As they all started rummaging the house for food that wasn't there, I noticed something. Sure, Sesshomaru had taken my company. He even took away my money, my job, and for a moment, my incarnations. But them coming back proves that they care more than they'll ever let on. In fact, I'd like to think of them as my family.

Final comments are always much appreciated! :)