And you thought that I was lying when I said that I would do a sequel.
Heeheehee, you're so silly. I bring you . . . . . .
Beware, Do Not Read These Replies
For those of you who are knew to this, what I did was make the cast of the 2004 ALW movie write letters of complaint to Andrew Llyod Webber. He's now writing back to defend himself against all of the constructive criticism. Let's just say that he has allot to amend for. If you didn't read the original, that's Okay. I'll post the original letter before the reply for easier reading.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera, and I do like the movie. Actually, I am fairly obsessed with it, but as with everything, I have to make fun of it. So stick around for the ride.
We're tormenting Raoul first, but don't worry. Every character is bashed unmercifully.
Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Weber
Um, well, I guess that I should thank-you for making me the star in your new movie. You know, the triumphant hero who spirits the beautiful, talented, diva away from the clutches of a cruel madman. Yet, I still have a few issues with your musical. Let me explain myself.
First of all, what is with the whole long hair thing? It totally took my manliness level down! What do people think when they see a wimp with long hair, blue eyes, starring in a musical /Pause/ I'll let you come up with your own conclusions on that one. If you can't, then feel free to ask any one of the numerous phan girls whom daily try to strangle me! I'm sure that they would love to clue you in.
Next complaint. I'm the hero, but I almost get strangled! Why! Good is supposed to triumph over evil. Not cry while their girlfriend begs the bad guy to spare them! It was hardly even a fight. I was so unbelievably pathetic. /Author agrees with him, yet keeps typing anyway./ Even the few Raoul fans out there cringed when they saw that part. "Keep your hand at the level of your eyes." Does that sound familiar? I was warned by Madame Giry and countless others throughout the course of the movie to keep my hand at the level of my eye. Yet, you couldn't even have me follow simple instructions. When I finally put my hand up, I keep it two feet away from where it would do me any good! (Blows out a frustrated breath as he prepares to continue.)
Next thing: Christine. You know, the beautiful, sweet, innocent girl whom I am engaged to. /She currently has me wearing a hot pink suit, and fuzzy bunny boots to our wedding. I don't know how I am going to get out of this one without her running straight back to Erik. Although I think even the Phantom would cringe at marrying Christine in that outfit/ -anyway- She is totally obsessed with the insane masked man! Why was I so crazy about her anyway? I'm rich, handsome, and rich, sweet, and rich, kind, and still very filthy rich! I could have had any girl that I wanted, and yet I settle for little miss fickle. Author thinks that Raoul is incredibly lucky to get any girl, but doesn't say anything Christine, who has the emotional stability of a psychopath. Christine, who fainted at the sight of herself in a wedding dress. Christine, who believed that a masked murderer was an angel! His voice isn't even that good. I can sing better than him. /Author stops writing as enraged phan girls sneak up behind Raoul with Punjab lassos ready. Author beats them away with a stick. You can't kill him until he finishes the letter/
/Author gives up fighting off phan girls, and instead goes to erase the last line./ In both Susan Kay's and Gaston Leroux"s version of "Phantom" I am described as being incredibly handsome. In the movie shudders I wasn't even close to looking as good as I was described to look. I have long hair. Long blonde hair, bulging eyes, and a receding hairline. /A/N If anyone has seen a picture of Patrick Wilson, then you will know what I am talking about./ A huge forehead, and a pointy nose! I'm like the wicked witch of the Opera House. Even the Phantom looks better than me. If you disagree with this statement, then once again, I'm sure the murderous phan girls would love to tell you otherwise. I'll refer you to them.
So please, in the interest of my characters pride, happiness, and safety. /Raoul looks at the stalking phan girls uneasily./ I beg you to reshoot the movie.
I remain truly yours,
The non-wimp, so-not-gay, unbelievably handsome, Vicomte Raoul De Changy
Um, where do I begin?
You may be expecting an apology, and yet I have no intention of giving one. Let me start by responding to the charges laid against me.
First of all, your appearance. My admittedly scant research revealed that the styles during 1870 to be fashionably long hair, tailored tuxedos, and top hats. (AN: Let me guess that he pulled that right off of the top of his head. The normal clothing in 1870 Paris would be war uniforms, and whatever rags that you could get your hands on, seeing as how the city was under siege and all. Augh! I am ranting again!)
Blonde hair and blue eyes seems to be a pleasing combination among the ladies. I was merely doing everything in my power to save your characters already doomed reputation. Although, in hind sight, the long hair thing might not have helped your predicament in the slightest.
Your next complaint Vicomte, the outcome of your battles with the Phantom. I have one major point to make, I could just go with he original outcome in Leroux, and just have you faint when you find yourself in "The very presence of Satan." (Phans stare at Webber in amazement.) What? Yes, I did read Leroux's book! The details are a bit fuzzy, but it is absolutely impossible to forget that part. Don't worry though, your heroics were appreciated by the audience, even though they managed to make you look slightly foppish.
As for you not "keeping your hand at the level of your eye." I recommend better listening skills.
Next, I was very surprised to see your complaints over Christine. She really is a sweet girl, and every hero has to have his unimaginative, indecisive, fair young maiden. You found this in her.
We also wouldn't call her too obsessed with the Phantom. She chose you after all. Don't you remember the end? I mean, the song is eight minutes long, and you rehearsed that part for weeks. Everything was going fine until that one little take where Gerry pulled the noose too tight. A unintentional accident, I assure you. Even though you were turning blue, and gasping for breathe . . . Anyway. You got the girl! So shut-up!
One last point, when wining about your appearance you mentioned yourself being compared to the 'Wicked Witch of the Opera House.'
Don't say that again. I've recently became a fan of the musical "Wicked" and it really isn't nice to insult Elphaba like that.
Sir Andrew Llyod Webber