I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

He couldn't sleep. Not that insomnia didn't frequently visit him. Usually it was because of the Dark Lord. But tonight…tonight it was because of her. Memories swarmed him. Playing in his mind like an old muggle movie. He hadn't seen her in…twenty years? But that was his fault. He wanted her to be free. Wanted her to be happy. So he pushed her away.

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

She had to hate him. She had to. After everything he had said that day…but it was in her best interest. She didn't know what was good for her. But she needed to see it before it was too late.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted in my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Realizing he wouldn't get any sleep, he got up from his bed and made his way to the kitchen. As he did, he passed the liquor cabinet. The liquor cabinet which had not been opened in twenty years. That was one thing she had helped him with. His drinking. Before, he had consumed bottles and bottles of Ogden's Best Firewhisky. Until she had beaten, literally, some sense into him. She had hated when he drank.

He remembered when…when he had tried to kill himself. She never tried to stop him, but only reminded him that she would be left alone and heart broken if he did it. Not that she was a pushover. Oh, no. Once, she had tried to make him write down ten things he liked about himself. He thought about it, but never finished the task. The parchment was still in his desk. He had put it away the day he ran away from Hogwarts.


Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

There was no doubt in his mind that she'd hated him after that. But she had moved on. She'd gotten married, set up house, and had a baby boy. A baby boy who had turned into a seventeen year old. A seventeen year old he now had to teach. The constant reminder of what he threw away.


And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

But two weeks after he had run away, Dumbledore had brought him back. That night, she had confronted him. A huge row had happened which ended in him saying he didn't love her and bolting. That had been the first and last lie he had told her. Later, in the dungeons, he had encountered a boggart. The boggart had promptly transformed into her. She was crying. And then without warning, she pulled a blade from her pocket and slit her wrists. His mind, now functioning on autopilot, could no longer grasp the concept that it was a boggart, not her.

He had held the imitation and looked into her eyes as she wept. Then he dropped it to the floor, and backed himself against the wall. "Make it stop…make it go away…" he whispered. Then the demon from hell sent to torture him looked at him and whispered "Severus…how could you do this to me?" He had nearly lost his mind that night.


Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the memories, he sat down at he table with a hot cup of tea. He knew…he hoped she'd been happy with her decision. Gods knew he wasn't happy with his. And into the darkness of his home, he whispered : "Hate me, my love. Because if you love me, you'll never be happy…if you love me…I'll never get over you."