Talk Sordid to Me

Notes: Star Trek belongs only to its owners, who are not me.

This is mostly a parody ficlet, so don't take it too seriously. It basically sums up everything that I find wrong with most K/S fiction out there, which is this: you can't write those two like a normal couple. Especially sexually. It just doesn't work. Kirk isn't an ordinary human, and Spock's not a human at all. Writing these two as a couple is exceptionally difficult, and most people get it wrong. (I do not claim to have gotten it right myself, although I have attempted, and more seriously as well in another fic.) :cough: Anyway, sorry for the rant.

Final note: consider yourself lucky you got the last line you did. I was going to put in something a lot more horrible and squicky, but thinking about Spock in conjuction with these things tends to make my brain explode, and I couldn't bring myself to put anything worse than what I did. Hope you enjoy the ficlet.

"Oh yes, place it inside me Captain."

Even in the throes of passion, even half-crazy with lust and lost in the physicality of the moment, even utterly distracted by the wants of his body, this still made Jim Kirk pause and back off.

"Uh… Spock?"

Spock looked mildly surprised at the interruption and sat up on the bed. "Yes Captain?"

Jim paused. His hormones had been raging at full speed when Spock made his little comment, and he was distracted by the flaming wreckage of his own thoughts. A small, forlorn flaming wheel of sanity bounced away from the crash. "What did you say?" he managed.

"I said, 'oh ye-'"

"You don't need to repeat it!" Jim interrupted frantically. He wasn't sure his brain could survive the repetition. "Just… uh… why did you say that?"

"I have been researching human sexual practices using the ship's computers," Spock replied calmly. Jim marveled at how he seemed to be taking the sudden interruption to their love-making completely in stride. "In doing so, I came across a strange custom in which a human will describe the sexual acts being performed, often in lurid detail, in order to arouse his or her partner. I believe the custom is called "talking dirty."

Jim closed his eyes and took deep breaths. This is Spock, he reminded himself. He's trying his best. It would not be appropriate to laugh at him. Or yell at him. But especially not laugh at him.

"Erm, Spock," he said with a very suspicious choke, "I appreciate the effort, but I really don't think you should try to do it again."

"You do not find it arousing, Captain?"

Quite the opposite. "Umm, well, it's just that, well, talking dirty isn't usually so… so…"

"Ah, then I am doing it incorrectly?"

In a way, this was true. Again, Jim had to pause to think over his wording carefully. "Let's just say that it requires a certain attitude."

"Attitude, Captain?"

"Yeah. And without the proper, um, attitude, it's more disturbing than arousing."

"I see." Spock nodded. "If it disturbs you Captain, then I shall refrain from doing it."

"That's probably best," Jim confirmed, and moved forward to push his first officer back against the bed once more.

"In the future," he said, "if you have any questions or curiosity about human sexual practices, you should probably come to me first." He leered. "I am, after all, an expert."

"Indeed Captain. If that is the case, then would you mind explaining to me the logic behind the human practice of 'S and M'?"