Kuga Natsuki thought this is what she really wanted. She had told Fujino Shizuru about her feelings but never about how Shizuru's love for her scared her beyond anything she could ever know. But Natsuki will soon find out that there are worst things in life than Shizuru's love... And that's loosing her love.


I do not own Mai Hime or the characters they are owned by Sunrise and various Companies, Productions and Corporations. I am only a fan who is writing for leisure. So please get your lawyers out of my house before I sick my dogs at them.. I am simply an insomniac anime amateur writer who can't find any decent sleep.

I also do not own the song or the song's lyrics. It is owned by various music companies, productions and records. I only used this song to inspire me to create the setting of the story and there was no profit gained from making this story. So please don't sue for I am broke. The song Loosing the Love is performed by the music artist known as Joy Enriquez and has no connection to me what so ever.

Author's Pre-notes:

This story is inspired by the Joy Enriquez's song "Loosing the Love". I kept having this picture in my head and decided to write it. This story is slightly AU and may contain some OOC. This is my first time writing a Mai Hime fic so please be kind.

This story is beta-ed by Hoppy-Chan. Thank you very much.

For those who doesn't like reading the song lyrics, you can simply skip the italics since it doesn't really affect the story as much. I just included it to help me write and create a sort of atmosphere. (",)

Also I've only seen the Anime Subbed Mai Hime so my knowledge of Mai Hime is limited so please be kind with the criticisms.

The Setting: This story takes place six months after the Hime Carnival but before the graduation. So AU and OOC is to be expected. You have been dutifully warned.

Italics means Song Lyrics

Bold Underline means referring to mystery person

Bold means thoughts

Loosing the Love


Joy Enriquez

Kuga Natsuki, Fujino Shizuru & Mystery Person

(Can you guess who the mystery person is?)

Natsuki sat alone in her reconstructed apartment room. She was sitting by the window ledge as she watched the ground below. The horizon itself felt melancholy to her, matching her mood very well. She wasn't really the pensive type. She usually wasn't plagued with her thoughts in regards to her personal life, but today just felt so cold.

She felt so alone and the thoughts she tried to put at the back of her mind came crashing forth. Most of the time she would be too preoccupied with other types of thoughts. Thoughts about rage and revenge for the people that have wronged her. That ruined her life. The people of the First District.

She felt her nails dig into the palm of her hands at the very thought of people that were responsible for her mother's untimely death. To the many hardships she had dealt with, growing up alone and not trusting anybody. Yet while these thoughts dominated her mind, another thought kept trying to insinuate itself within. That no matter how tragic her life seemed to have turned out or how unbearable it seemed to get, it had brought her to encounter one of the most precious person who graced this harsh and unforgiving world.

It brought Fujino Shizuru.

There are days when I regret it
The things I said to you

Natsuki smiled thinking about their very first encounter. She was distant and harsh to Shizuru but that didn't hinder the Kyoto woman. Instead, she gave Natsuki an honest smile and spoke to her as if she wasn't even rude to her. Spoke to her as though she really cared and was honestly sincere. No pretentious bullshit nor did she want anything from her. Why would she?

She was Fujino Shizuru, the student council president. The most popular girl in the whole academy. The woman that walked with such grace and refinery that she had her own set of devoted fan girls following her every wish and followed her everywhere she goes. Yet there she was trying to socialize with her. The rebel. The outcast and troublemaker.

She was sure that if the Kyoto woman wanted someone to fawn over or talk to, there would be no shortage of volunteers who would give their limbs just for the opportunity. So why was she wasting her time trying to make friends with someone like her? Someone who is completely different from her.

I put my trust in no one
It broke my heart and I blamed it on you

Natsuki tried to keep her distance, kept Shizuru at arms length. Even going so far as avoiding the other woman, but no matter where she turned, she was there. Eager to listen to her inane rudeness or perhaps sharing her silence when she wanted her company. She even helped, supported and aided her with her studies and even unwittingly helped her "secret" research on the First division everytime Natsuki borrowed her laptop. Before she knew it, Shizuru had managed to worm her presence around the invisible icy façade she had created for herself.

Natsuki didn't want to admit it then, but she was happy Shizuru had put up with her. She never could explain how the other woman had brightened her day every time Shizuru showed concern for her well-being. Her companionship made the cold loneliness she felt simply vanish.

Natsuki also didn't like that over time, she had become more dependant on her presence. How she missed the other woman whenever Shizuru was too busy with the student council. She blamed Shizuru for making her rely on her. For making her miss her. How she made her unconsciously seek her out, enough to even stay with her at the council room while Shizuru did her work after class. Just to be able to have her company. She didn't dare admit it, since it would only make the Kyoto woman have the ammunition to tease her.

Shizuru made her aware of the presence of loneliness whenever she wasn't around and Natsuki hated her for it.

You are kind and oh so gentle
But I refused to see
That someone like you existed

Shizuru was always patient with her. Always made time for her and had always been there for her, but Natsuki took all those things for granted. Natsuki was too engrossed on her own vengeance to ever appreciate the little things Shizuru had done for her. So unwittingly, she became selfish. She took whatever Shizuru gave and not once did she ever voice her appreciation.

I was somewhere in denial
While you were loving me

Natsuki should have known about Shizuru's feelings. All the signs where there. But she denied all these because she was too busy with her past to deal with the present. She put Shizuru aside and focused her sights on her quest. Ignored the growing tension between them, for acknowledging her feelings would only bring heartache and awkwardness. She didn't want to loose what they have. So she turned her blind eye on all of Shizuru's gestures. Ignored and remained oblivious to her subtle hints.

I cried myself to sleep last night
When I woke up
There were tear stains on my pillow

Natsuki felt tears on her cheeks. She remembered the Carnival. What she had forced Shizuru to do. What she drove her to do. If only she was brave enough to confront her then, perhaps the whole incident wouldn't have had to happen.

The First District was gone. Her revenge had been fulfilled. Shizuru took it upon herself to not let Natsuki's hands be sullied with blood. Not to stain her soul. She avenged Natsuki from the people that hurt her by decimating the organization and seeking vengeance on the people that even dared to threaten her. Shizuru was driven to madness all because of her.

It hurt so much to sacrifice what I gave up
Without you in my life
I will always feel lonely
Loosing the love
From someone like you

The extent of Shizuru's love frightened her. Knowing it was her that caused her most precious person to commit the most horrendous crime. She knew she needed to act. To stop her and she did.

At the church ruins , in her final moments when she was sure Shizuru was going to finish her off when her naginata's blade wrapped itself around her body, she was surprised to feel Shizuru's warm embrace replace the deadly weapon. She had spun around and landed in her arms.

She could see all the regret, love and madness as she looked into her crimson eyes.

The sheer honesty and love that were mixed in the madness that danced in her eyes, but at the same time pleading for her to forgive her for loving her too much. The shame that briefly sparked in those very same eyes strengthened Natsuki's resolve as to why she came after Shizuru in the first place. Natsuki couldn't help but feel guilty at the sight of her most precious person, knowing it was she that did this to her. At that very moment she knew she had to pay for her own sins. Make it up to her somehow. So without another second thought, she kissed Shizuru.

She felt cruel when she saw the surprise and pure happiness in Shizuru's eyes. She owed Shizuru the truth. That was when Natsuki admitted to Shizuru how she felt. That even though she was happy that Shizuru loved her, she cannot love her the way Shizuru wanted to. She couldn't tell her how much Shizuru's love frightened her for the fear of inflicting more pain on Shizuru's already fragile state.

But she knew she had to pay for the crimes they had done. So while Shizuru contemplated her words she ordered Duran to destroy Shizuru's Kiyohime. She will repent for the crimes she had forced on to Shizuru, with Shizuru in her arms they will repent together. As they began to vanish she couldn't help but feel happy that even at the brink of death, she wasn't alone. She felt Shizuru's warm embrace on her own body and for the first time she felt at peace.

But Natsuki should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. As they were revived, both she and Shizuru were confronted by the harsh reality of what they had done. To where their relationship stands.

It seemed Shizuru was able to read Natsuki's mind without the briefest words exchanged between them like she always had. She knew Natsuki would feel awkward and would feel burdened if they tried to continue on as though nothing has happened, when they both knew differently. Shizuru knew the truth and the answer they must make. Rather than question her about it or confront her, she did what she did best.

Shizuru followed her wishes. Shizuru knew it would be hard on Natsuki for them to continue on whatever relationship they may have. It will only bring them grief, pain and suffering. So rather than burdening and troubling her any further, Shizuru began to distance herself away. She softened the blow for Natsuki slowly as she distanced herself so she wouldn't feel guilty or worry about her anymore. Shizuru began to make excuses. Soon she was no longer by Natsuki's side. It was as if she was never there to begin with.

More tears began to fall from Natsuki's eyes. She was back at the beginning. She was alone again.

The cold and emptiness she felt before didn't compare to what she felt right now. Back then she wasn't aware of her loneliness. she had always had Shizuru and now that she was no longer by her side, it seemed the loneliness she felt was amplified five times over. But Natsuki knew she shouldn't feel this way. She had friends now. She had Mai, Mikoto, Aoi and Chie as well as the other ex-himes and Kaiji Sakomizu, so why does she feel this way?

Not a day goes by without something
Reminding me of you
The truth is that I miss you
I gets so hard not being with you

She walked through the newly rebuilt academy. But everywhere she went there was something that reminded her of Shizuru. Before she knew it, she was standing by the gardens where they first met.

She saw her standing there, admiring the flowers. It had been so long since they had last spoken to each other. It almost made her laugh at the bitter irony of their encounter.

But as she took a step to approach her something made her stop. She saw Shizuru turn around to acknowledge someone else's presence. The smile on her face, the smile Natsuki was so sure that was reserve for her alone was bestowed to someone else.

She felt her heart constrict and her heartache. A piercing pain sliced through her like a sharp blade. She stood there frozen as she watched Shizuru walk away with her, not even noticing her presence.

There are times when I go crazy
In the twilight of the night

Natsuki couldn't help but cry as she buried her head against her arms.

"How can you easily replace me Shizuru?" She questioned the Kyoto woman as though she was there. But another nagging voice in her mind voiced it self.

"This is what you wanted wasn't it? You didn't want her love. It's only proper that she found someone who deserved her love."

But despite these words she couldn't help but feel like she was betrayed. It had already been six months since the carnival. It was only natural that they had move on. She should have expected that they would drift apart especially because of what happened between them.

She really didn' t need Shizuru now. She had made friends. She wasn't alone anymore. She no longer needs her presence in her life.

So why does it hurt?

Why won't the pain go away?

Why does she feel as though she had been betrayed?

How I long to be your woman again
There's a pain that I hold
That will not let me go

She saw them again today. She wanted to march over to them and scream at both of them but she restrained herself. She remained silent in Mai and Mikoto's company. They were eating lunch together which had become a routine for them since the revival.

She didn't mean for eyes to wander off but when they did, she spotted them eating not so far away. Somewhere discrete so that Shizuru's fan club wouldn't be able to disturb them. Natsuki wanted so badly to boldly call out Shizuru's name. To scream out where Shizuru was so that Shizuru's fan club would disturbed them but stopped when she saw the look in Shizuru's features.

Shizuru looked like she was happy. Genuinely happy. As if it Natsuki herself she were having lunch with when it wasn't her. She saw how relaxed Shizuru was with her. Like the way she would be if Natsuki was the one at her place. She saw Shizuru laugh which brought a sharp pain through her. How long has it been since Natsuki had seen Shizuru laugh? Natsuki didn't know.

She had to admit though that when Shizuru wanted to be discrete, she was able to do so. Natsuki was sure that if she wasn't so familiar with Shizuru she wouldn't even be able to find them, but she did and now she regretted it. It wasn't really that hard to do considering who Shizuru was and who she was with. Seeing them would have raised people's eyebrows. Anyone's eyebrows to be in fact.

Natsuki saw Shizuru's companion caught her eyes and impudently gave her a smirk of triumph. She shifted closer to the Kyoto woman while keeping her gaze locked onto Natsuki's. She was being subtle not alert Shizuru that she had caught Natsuki staring at them.

Natsuki bristled. She knew she was doing it on purpose but what can she do?

"Natsuki, are you alright?" Mai asked her. Interrupting her cold glare. If looks could kill, she would have been turned into dust.

"I"m fine." Natsuki answered even though she really wasn't. She tried to avert her gaze so that Mai couldn't follow them. She tried to pry her eyes away from them but couldn't. It was as if she was a glutton for punishment.

She was glad that lunch finally finished as she packed up her unfinished lunch. She wasn't hungry anymore and had completely lost her appetite. She didn't even wait for Mai or Mikoto as she dashed off to be alone. She didn't show up for the rest of her classes that day.

I cried myself to sleep last night
When I woke up

There were tear stains on my pillow

It hurt so much to sacrifice what I gave up

Without you in my life
I will always feel lonely
Loosing the love
From someone like you

Out of all the people Shizuru could be with why did it have to be her? She was aware that in a couple of weeks time, Shizuru would leave for college. Was it wrong of her to want to spend that last couple of weeks with Shizuru instead of Shizuru being with her?

Natsuki yet again spent her nights depressed and thinking about them. Her eyes burned from the constant tears that kept falling from her emerald eyes. How many nights had she cried herself to sleep? She didn't know.

"What do you see in her Shizuru? Why are you with her? Do you still care for me at all? Do you even miss me? Have you replaced me with her?"

Natsuki buried her face into her arms once again as her thoughts tormented her. Why did it hurt so much to see Shizuru happy with someone else?

She didn't even notice her hands had formed into tight fists as she thought of Shizuru's companion. She was sure she was only using Shizuru but what can she do? Shizuru looked happier now.

Natsuki continued to cry.

I don't wanna make this too hard
But I just wanna be where you are
In your life, by your side, forever

Natsuki didn't know where she found the courage to seek her out but she did. She stood outside of the council room and waited for everyone to leave. She knew Shizuru always left last, ensuring that nothing was left behind or some files left forgotten.

She took deep breaths. She can do this. She closed her eyes and willed herself to relax.

"Natsuki?" her soft accented voice startled her.

Natsuki opened her eyes to see Shizuru's amethyst eyes looking at her with concern. She felt her heart flutter looking into those eyes of hers. She still cared.

"Shizuru." Was all she could say. She had rehearsed earlier that day what to say to her but for the life of her she couldn't remember it now.

Shizuru smiled warmly at her though it didn't reach her eyes. "I hope you came here to see me." she teased.

And just like that it felt like they were back into their old routine. The glint of amusement in her eyes at seeing her fluster made Natsuki feel pleasant. It felt as though the six months that they didn't have contact didn't exist.

"I..." She wanted to protest, like before when she used to tease her like this. But was quickly cut off by her arrival.

"OY! Fujino, you ready?" she asked the Kyoto woman, ignoring Natsuki's presence. She did spare a glance towards Natsuki but that was it. She waited for Shizuru impatiently and had no qualms at showing it as she tapped her foot and frowned at the Kyoto woman.

"I'm sorry Natsuki but I have to go. I had promised to accompany her today but if it's really important please let me know or call me tonight. You still have my number right?" Shizuru replied to Natsuki as she excused herself.

Natsuki could only dumbly nod. Not really listening to Shizuru's explanation. Too shock to even coherently respond. There was a time where Shizuru would brush off whatever she was doing in favour of her company but that was before. Natsuki felt stupid that she had forgotten how much she and Shizuru had drifted away.

"I'll speak to you later ok?" and with that Shizuru left with her.

Natsuki couldn't help but gaze at their retreating backs as they both walked so close to each other. Another wave of pain washed over her as she clutched her chest.

Only silent tears bore witness to Natsuki's agony-filled heart.

I cried myself to sleep last night
When I woke up
There were tear stains on my pillow
It hurt so much to sacrifice what I gave up
Without you in my life
I will always feel lonely

That's when Natsuki knew she loved Shizuru. She was just too blind to see it. And now that she has, she will fight for it. The question that now plagues Natsuki's mind was if Shizuru still felt the same. If it was too late for them.

"Shizuru..." Natsuki whispered by the windowsill, under the starry night and bright rays of the full moon. Hoping against all hope that somehow, someway, Shizuru could hear or at least feel her heart's cries.

Loosing the love

From someone like you


Author's Notes:

I hope you enjoyed reading this little idea of mine. Please review and please leave constructive criticism. If anyone would like to volunteer as a beta-reader it would really be appreciated.

A little thanks go to NatsuHime for correcting me about Shizuru's last name and for Hoppy-chan for graciously volunteering to beta this story. Thank you very much. I have posted the edited version.

So can anyone guess who the mystery person is?

Should I leave the story the way it is or would you like me to add to it?

Please review. Your reviews to me are like what Mayonaise are for Natsuki.

Hope you like it.

Ja Ne