My Dearest Shinji,
If you are reading this, then it means that I am dead. I had hoped that it would turn out this way; after all, only one of us could be allowed to live, and you are not the one who should die. I love you, Shinji, and I will not watch you die, not even for the will of God.
I always thought that I was above being seduced by the Lilim, but you seduced me, Shinji. That may sound strange, since I was the one doing the seducing in our little relationship, but that's because you don't understand how an Angel's mind works.
How strange it must be, to be so cut off from God as you are, cut off from every living thing. Alone in your own head, it must be quiet. It must be lonely, but I suppose that you're used to it. This isn't the way it is with us, though, my love. I have always heard the Voice of God, and I could see into your soul right from the beginning. From the moment I first saw you, I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Indeed, that is even a better example than it seems, for as a moth is drawn to flame because it confuses it for the sun, so your soul disoriented my senses, compelling like the Divine Spark.
It is important for you to understand, I would have killed you, if I could. I will not want to kill you, but I cannot disobey the Will any more than you can jump to the moon or walk on water. I will then go to Adam, and together we will destroy all Lilim on the face of this world, but to be honest, I'll feel worse about killing you than I will about destroying the whole of the rest of this world put together.
Is it wrong of me, to value one being--one of the Lilim, no less!--so far above the rest of the world, so far above myself, even above the Will of God? Maybe. They will definitely say that it was, but they have never come to This World, they have never done His Will, and I have been here, incorrupt, longer than any other Child of Adam. Maybe they're right, though, but it doesn't matter if they are or not; I cannot deny what I feel for you, and I have made up my mind. Though I am incapable of disobeying the Will of God, what I can do is pick the most inopportune time to instigate my attack, stack the deck as high in your favor as I can.
I look over at your sleeping form as I write this, and I think that you are so beautiful, so lovely, so innocent, and I cannot help but to reach out and touch you. Nothing much; simply brushing a lock of hair out of your face, but it is enough. My heart catches in my throat. Your language does not have the words to express how precious you are to me, Shinji, but the fact that I am about to basically spit in God's eye for your sake ought to give you some glimmer of what you mean to me. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I have gazed upon the beauty of the Moon, and for it's sake forsaken the Sun, for the vain creature that it is. At least, that's how I think that line goes. It comes from a poem of one of your Lilim artists, I don't know the name. I never paid real close attention to your arts, and maybe I should have. Besides, I never really understood what it meant, until now. Now it seems that those half-remembered words were written especially so that I could repeat them here.
You haven't been sleeping well these past few nights, have you? Or, for all I know, in your entire life? I'm glad that I could give you that, at least. I'm glad that I could give you that, and the night of passion. You really do need it, my beloved. And you deserve it. But then I would give you the world if I could--and I can, and I will. I will give you a world where you can exist, a world where there is hope for the future: you see, the reason I am the "last" Angel is because after I accomplish my goal, there would be nothing left of the world that you know. It would be naught but a footnote in the history texts of Angels. But I will do everything in my power to fail, to preserve the world as it is. For you, Shinji.
I'm doing it for you. A gentle caress, a soft kiss, these things go such a long way with you, I've noticed. It's because you have been bereft of those things most of your life, isn't it? I wish I could make all the pain go away, I wish I could play janitor and clean out that traumatic mess that you call a soul, but alas, I don't have that kind of time in this world. If you are to live, I must act soon.
That is the one thing I regret, Shinji: that I do not have more time to spend with you. If I could find a way to spare you from Armageddon, what you call the Third Impact, I would. I would love nothing better than to save you, and only you, so that we may share this world for the rest of your days. Many lovers will tell you that they would give you the world; I mean it. Many will tell you that you mean the world to them; to me, you mean so much more. I intend to incur the Wrath of God on your behalf--and not the politically correct God you people worship, either; the petty, vengeful God of old, the God who slaughtered the firstborn of Egypt and sent his followers forth to crush all opposition to their faith. The God who declared that you shall not suffer a witch to live. The God who declared that you shall have no other gods before Him. That God.
But it is worth it though. No matter what he may do to me, though, and he may well send me straight down to the ninth layer of Hell, the one reserved for traitors and fallen angels, it will be worth it. I kid, of course; nothing you think you know of the Divine is accurate. I love you, Shinji. That's all there is to it. And you need to learn how to love yourself. Please, for me, so that my sacrifice is worth something, learn to love yourself, and to let others love you.
Will they ever forgive me? The other Angels, I mean. Will they understand? Will they be able to? The thing about Angels is that we don't change, but you have changed me, Shinji. Before I met you, I was the most loyal of God's Angels. You Lilim have never truly heard the Voice of God, the words in your Bible are sweet lies to make you believe that you are his favorite creations, when in fact you are Lilim, Demonspawn, flawed creatures, unfortunate aftereffects of cration. You cannot comprehend what it means for an Angel to be Fallen. To be cut off from the Voice after you have been privileged enough to hear it…it is not a pretty thing, Shinji.
It's funny, really. You Lilim are made of such fragile stuff, so weak, and yet if you subject one of us mighty Angels to exist on your level, beneath the contempt of the Divine, we quickly wither, for what is an Angel without the Divine Will flowing through him? Nothing.
A few make it, though they're never as glorious as they were before. It's hard, being without Purpose, but I shall have one. You are my purpose, Shinji my love. I will find the place where the souls of the Lilim go, and then you and I will be together again.
Until then, though, you must live, Shinji. You mustn't let yourself fall to this slow death you've been subjecting yourself to. You must live, beloved, and find some girl--or some boy--who will make you happy, and settle down, have a family, and do all of those Lilim things.
I'm not telling you to forget me, Shinji. That would be like asking me to forget you, which is something I cannot do, dearest of the dear. No, what I'm asking is that you make my sacrifice worth something. I want you to live, Shinji, and to heal, and to be happy in your few mortal years. I want you to love life, Shinji. I want you to smile.
Oh, God, how I wish I had more time. Of course, even of God Himself came to me and told me that I could have you, and keep you for the rest of your life, it would not be good enough. I want you forever, Shinji. I want to spoon against you and breathe in the smell of your hair at night, every night, until the end of time. I want to hold you and be held, I want to rub myself in your very essence and hold you forever and for always.
I want…I want…words fail, Shinji. They really do fail. I don't know how much longer I can do this without repeating myself, and yet I can't get over the feeling that I haven't adequately stated what I mean to say. It is a most frustrating feeling, my love, like having suddenly been stricken mute when there is something important I need to say. Yes, that's it exactly. I just love you so much, and…and…I'm repeating myself again. I just want to tell you so many things that your language has no words for, and I can't even tell them to you to your face because if you know what I intend to do, you will try to stop me.
I suppose that that will have to do, my beloved Shinji. If I write anymore, I'll start to cry, and besides, it would be an exercise in futility, to try to get any more of my true feelings out on paper. So deficient is language! I suppose that the best thing to do would be to just crawl back into bed, spoon against you, and just enjoy the feeling of your body against mine for as long as I can. I will not be sleeping tonight, Shinji, but I suppose that that's to be expected. After all, tomorrow is the day that I die. And this is how I chose to spend my last hours, with the boy I'm giving up eternity for, just burning everything about you into my memory so that I can remember you forever, the memory a hidden treasure that even God can't take away when He punishes me for my crimes.
No, that's not right; I'm not Tabris, not to you. For you, I am Kaoru. Kaoru Nagisa. And why not? After all, in my short time with you, I have been more alive than I have ever been in all my centuries of life to date, so…
Author's Commentary (As If You Care)
Actually, I don't really have all that much to say; still, best not to break from form. There's nothing special about this story's formation, unless you count how incredibly long it took me from deciding that Shinji's and Kaoru's romance needed more attention to actually doing something about it, and then how long it took me to publish it after I wrote it (this story was written on Sunday, the tenth of September--seriously! And I don't even remember when Evangelion was on Adult swim, but that was when I saw it). The why is even less interesting than the how. I simply couldn't let sleeping dogs lie, and had to, and I mean had to, write a story about them. Problem is, Kaoru is in one episode, and then he dies. The pickings were slim, outside of bringing him back to life, which would have involved new elements being added to the story, as no one in the canon ever comes back from the grave.
Also, I can't shamelessly plug other stories I have written, as I haven't written any other Evangelion stories yet. I'm not saying I never will--after all, never say never--but this is the only Evangelion-related idea to have popped into my head, and it's been several months since then, no matter how you cut it. In short, what I'm saying is that if you liked this story and want me to write more, well, don't hold your breath. This will have to do. If you'd like to read other stories of mine in other fandoms, well, that's what my profile page is for; I only plug stories that are within the same fandom within an Author's Commentary. Point of honor, you understand.
Hmm, it seems that I had more to say than I thought. Ah, well. I hope you liked my story, and please review. Seriously, do it. And tell all of your friends about this story--actually, only do this if you liked it; I don't need you warning people away. Bad for business.
Thank you for reading, please R&R, and tell all your friends. Yeah, I think that that covers it. Peace be with you.