A/N: This fanfic is a parody, which means that all the humor is played up deadpan-style. Anyone who thinks this fic is serious should not even bother.
Las Noches was still and silent, but that was to be expected from the capital of Hueco Mundo, where only three living souls had ever set foot. The former Captain of the Fifth Division smirked on his gigantic throne as the sound of four pairs of feet echoed across the vast hallway to his feet.
"Aizen-sama," the Espada known as Ulquiorra began in his signature monotone, "...Our preparations have been completed. I've assigned Yamii, Wonderwice, and--" he was cut off as the sound of the fourth member of the group gave a snort, running an indignant hand through his equally rebellious hair as he did so.
"...Something the matter, Grimmjaw?" Aizen inquired lazily, resting his chin on his right hand as he did so.
"Yeah-- no offense to you, Aizen," the Arrancar said in a snarl, "...But how do you know this will work? I'd feel better if we could just go in there and kill 'em straight up."
"'...How do I know it will work?' Are you...doubting my judgement, Number Six?"
With only the slightest of glances Grimmjaw again felt the immense weight of his leader's reiatsu being focused directly on him. He was nearly brought to his knees when he chose to swallow his pride and answer.
"Good." The pressure immediately lifted off the Arrancar, and though he was still on his feet his face was covered with sweat. "...Now then...Use what you have learned well, and do not fail me."
"Yes, Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra answered with a bow, then led the other three to the portal that opened up in the Living World.
"Come on, stay awake!" Rukia growled in agitation as she smacked her vermilion-haired companion upside the head, making him nearly fall on the ridiculously tall zanpaku-to he was using as a support to nap on.
"S...Sorry..." the substitute Shinigami muttered as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, but then his drowsiness melted into equal frustration. "...Hey, why am I apologizing? Come on-- The Arrancar haven't attacked in weeks and I haven't gotten any sleep! I don't see why we have to keep a lookout for 'em!"
"Ichigo..." the comparatively tiny woman began severely, "...I don't need to remind you that even with Captain Hitsugaya and the others here, we won't be ready if they make a full-scale attack! Think about your family!" Ichigo growled but said nothing. He WAS thinking about them, but it was difficult with school in the morning and Hollow hunting at night, though he knew that Rukia did the same. He glanced over to the horizon to get his mind off the current subject when he noticed something that looked like a fissure in the sky itself.
"I'm on it!" the Shinigami answered in a yell as she produced a Hell Butterfly. "Tell Captain Hitsugaya of the Tenth Division th--" Before she could finish the individual in question materialized beside them, accompanied by his Vice-Captain, Abarai Renji, and Eleventh Division members Ikkaku and Yumichika. "Captain! I was just about to--"
"I know," Hitsugaya answered calmly as he drew his zanpaku-to from the long sheath on his back. "...I sensed it from the edge of town about 12 seconds ago. Let's get moving."
The group of Shinigami was gathered around the anomaly, one which they knew all too well to be the arrival of an Arrancar. Toshiro barked orders to his fellows in an attempt to prepare for what lay ahead. "Everyone, form a circle! Stagger your positions-- we don't want to give them a reason to use Cero in a crowded place!"
"Finally," Ikkaku said with a grin once he'd summoned Hozukimaru. "...I was almost afraid I scared 'em off after last time."
"So cocky," his best friend responded with a fey sigh as he pulled out his own zanpaku-to. Soon enough the sky unzipped and their enemies floated down, Toshiro's eyes narrowing as he gauged their reiatsu.
"Matsumoto!" He called to his Vice-Captain, but the redhead seemed to know what he was thinking.
"I've already contacted Soul Society-- They should be letting us break our limits in about 2 minutes!" Meanwhile, Ichigo's eyes locked with the fourth Arrancar's, a gaze of pure hate passing between him and Grimmjaw.
"All right..." the teen said with a grin as he pulled Zangetsu from his back. "...Time to finish that bastard off for good."
"Ichigo--" Rukia said with confusion and worry in her voice as she pointed in Yamii's direction. "...What the hell is that?"
"Where? I don't see any--" he began, but he paused when he noticed what the Arrancar was holding over his shoulder: It was nearly as wide as he was, a massive rectangle with a handle at the top.
...Is that a...?
Ichigo's suspicions were instantly confirmed when Yamii pressed a button on the boombox and hard rap music started to beat out of the machine. All the Shinigami present did a double-take, wondering if this was some bizarre kind of distraction, but then the diminuitive Wonderwice stepped forward while the other three formed a semicircle, bobbing their heads to the music.
"What the...?" Toshiro muttered as he cocked an eyebrow, lowering his weapon just slightly out of shock.
The arrancar began hooting and whooping robotically, as if this was all a thoroughly rehearsed but poorly acted skit. Wonderwice walked up to Toshiro at the front, then did a midair backflip that ended with him standing on his hands, then shifted his weight onto one hand and began spinning horizontally. Without pausing he threw himself into the air and landed square on his feet, coming face-to-face with a Captain too confused to attack.
"Ooh! He got served!"
"Yeah, bitch. You got served!"
"He served you like a burger and fries, you dumbass!"
"...'Served?'" Hitsugaya said in confusion to his Vice-Captain, who only shrugged her shoulders, no more enlightened by the strange term than he was. The Arracar kept repeating the phrase, taunting the shinigami and occasionally taking cracks at their mothers while the group only stood in shock.
"What the hell is going on!" Renji whispered to his companions.
"Hey, ICHIGO!" the eldest son of Isshin Kurosaki turned away from the huddle to find Grimmjaw sauntering up to him, a cocky grin on his face. "It's over, punk!" Before Ichigo had a chance to ask his rival what the hell he had been smoking since their last battle Grimmjaw threw himself on his back and began spinning, kicking his legs out to throw his weight around and ended up twirling like a top on his own head.
"Oh, no he di-int." Ulquiorra taunted emotionlessly while the other Arrancar continued their shouts of how served their enemies were. With a flourish Grimmjaw threw himself onto his feet like Wonderwice, then bitch-slapped Ichigo across the face.
"OW! He hit me!" Ichigo groaned.
"What! Are you hurt?" Rukia asked in concern, running up to her friend. Ichigo pulled his hand away and clanced at it, as if examining for blood.
"Huh. I guess not...Ouch, though!" the orange-haired Shinigami complained, but jumped to his feet as Grimmjaw began to walk away. "Hey! I'm not through with you yet!" He brandished Zangetsu and was about to activate his bankai when Grimmjaw smirked at him victoriously.
"Bitch, PLEASE," the Sixth Espada huffed at the teen. "I wouldn't bother with that crap if I were you."
"...What the hell for!" In response, Grimmjaw turned to him and stared him right in the eye.
"...Cause you just got served. Face it-- you'll never be able to beat me now." He knew the Arrancar had used that phrase against the rest of them, but hearing the insult thrown upon him made its meaning all the clearer. Stunned at his helplessness, Ichigo stared at his rival, watching with the rest of the Shinigami as their foes left the same way they'd arrived moments ago, laughing victoriously all the while.
"...So..." Renji asked once he'd managed to raise his jaw off the ground, "...Anyone wanna tell me what the H-E-double-hell just happened?"
"Report, Ulquiorra," Aizen said to his returned warriors, glancing at his just-manicured fingernails.
"Yes, Aizen-sama," the Espada muttered quietly as he pulled out his left eye and let it hover in midair moments before it showed a hologram of all the Shinigami standing around with a dazed expression while Grimmjaw 'outdanced' Ichigo. "...At approximately 12:35, we engaged the Shinigami in Karakura Town."
"...And the mission status?"
"Complete success," Ulquiorra answered. "...All the enemies got totally served, with the greater proportion of the servage being levelled onto Kurosaki Ichigo and Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro."
"Excellent work," their leader said with an even wider grin than before as he held up a package of chocolate sandwich cookies. "As a reward, double Oreo-rations today for everyone." The Espada let out a cheer at the reception of their only daily pay except for Grimmjaw, who was more biased towards the Chips Ahoy! brand. But at least it was better than before, when all they had to eat was crappy human souls.
"Don't worry, Grimmjaw," Aizen called from his perch while the Arrancar feasted on the cookies. "...Once this is all over and we've 'served' all of Soul Society, you'll be able to get those expensive Pepperidge Farm cookies if you want to." At this prospect the Sixth Espada gave a wicked grin, almost able to taste the savory goodness in his mouth even now.
"Here, Yoruichi-san! Have some milk, won't you?" Kisuke implored the black cat sitting on his roof while he held out a pitcher of the white drink.
"Hmm...No thanks," Yoruichi said with a sigh from in her gruff male voice. "I don't care much for human milk these days. Now Soul Society's milk..." she grinned as she watched him twitch beneath his hat at the implication she was making, "...THAT'S the good stuff. Did I tell you that Soi-chan gets it delivered EVERY morni--"
"Okay, I get it, you don't want the damn milk!" Urahara growled, not wanting to hear about Yoruichi's latest sexual escapades with the Second Division captain. Even if she was sleeping with HIM too, it always riled him whenever he heard her say that girl's name, in cat form or not.
"Why, Kisuke, what's wrong?" Yoruichi asked in a patronizing voice as she hopped off the tin roof and rubbed against his leg. "...Is someone feeling a little too jealous to get some toni--"
"Ah, Kurosaki-san!" Urahara called, switching to his carefree demeanor almost immediately, eager for any distraction from the beating his ego was taking. "Oh, and you brought some friends too!" he said as he indicated the presence of the Tenth Division captain and the other Shinigami with the fan in his other hand. "So tell me-- what can I do for you?"
"Uh..." Ichigo began, scratching his head while he raised a confused eyebrow. "...Urahara-san, we got served. Do you know anything abo--" Ichigo stopped short as he heard the pitcher of milk that was in Urahara's other hand fall to the ground and shatter into pieces. "Um...Urahara-san?"
"...What did you say?" the former Captain said as he stared Ichigo in the eye, his own wide with dread and fear.
"...Um...We got served. Does it mean something?"
"Yes. Yes it does," Kisuke muttered as he took off his hat and stared at the ground in shame, shifting the thing back and forth between his palms. "...Dear God...It's happening all over again."
Hope you enjoyed the first episode of my first attempt at a crazy Bleach fic. More on the way soon.