Fullmetal Alchemist

By: Melissa the Damgel

I don't own anything of Fullmetal Alchemist. I just like playing with them and shoving them into situations we know we'd never see them in –and also I like seeing Ed and Winry play. …you'll know what I mean later! It's all for fun and kicks so don't sue! I'm not rich! Really!

--------

It Hurt So Much

--------

He watched The Gate flicker, slowly falling apart from within and dragging itself brick by brick into the vortex of golden light. It was so hard to destroy something he knew was the only link to his world, and the only way home.

Ed's heart sank and a feeling of utter despair dragged his insides deep into darkness and it threatened to consume him completely. His heart was squeezed from within till he felt all hope leave him; and he felt heavy, a heaviness that ached.

"We did it, Brother." Al smiled, his eyes locked on the collapsing of the staircase. He watched as the last bits of debris were sucked into the vanishing tunnel and a sense of accomplishment swelled within his chest.

Ed nodded faintly as he knitted his brows together and his golden eyes grew distant with thoughts. Maybe if they went now; maybe if they hurried they could get across the gate before it completely collapsed….

The Gate sputtered as if to taunt him, its lights flickered and it flared one last time before it sucked in on itself and disappeared from their sight like the last spark of a flame on a dieing ember that was swept away on the breeze.

Nothing but a memory.

The two brothers stared at the last place The Gate had been and emotions ran within their bodies with a mixture of satisfaction and confusion.

Al sighed, he felt heavy knowing he would never see his homeland again; but he was content, he was happy –he was the happiest he had been in two years. He was with his brother again. He turned then, opening his mouth to speak to Ed, but he stopped cold and stared at him while his heart dropped harshly to his toes. "Brother?"

Ed didn't turn his eyes away from where The Gate had been. Tears ran from his eyes and down over his cheeks in torrents. His hands curled into fists as his brows knitted together and twitched faintly.

"Brother? What's wrong?" Al asked gently, turning towards him as he tilted his head ever so faintly.

Edward's voice was quiet, nothing but a breathy whisper, "…I was going to marry her…" he murmured with his eyes locked upon the ceiling. His golden orbs began to mist over as a sea of emotions flickered across the dark golden surface.

"What?"

"Winry… I was going to marry her. I always thought I'd make it back and live with her and Pinako for awhile; and then I'd marry her and we'd live in that yellow house the rest of our lives. You'd rebuild our old house and live there… and our kids would grow up together…" Ed whispered, the tears fell harder and his face finally twisted up. His head gave a jerk and he bowed his head, teeth clenched and his breath shaky. "But I ruined that… I never told her either… I could have, but I… I got scared, and now I'll never have another chance." He hissed and shook his head. He stifled something within his throat and gritted his teeth; his tears falling to the ground in hot splashes.

Al's throat closed and he looked away, his own eyes tearing up and his lower lip trembling faintly, "Ed…"

Looking up slowly and forcing a smile so sad and hopeless that the shattering of his heart echoed within his eyes. Edward shook his head ever so slightly before he looked away again. "I'm okay. I just…"

"You loved her." Al blurted out in a hushed whisper even as tears fell from his eyes. He realized he would never see his childhood friend again, and Ed would never have a chance. They really were alone together in this strange world.

Ed closed his eyes; his shoulders squaring faintly even as they continued to sag. "…yeah…"

"I'm sorry…" Al hiccupped suddenly and lifted a hand, wiping at his face with the sleeve of his coat while he shook his head in shock, "I'm sorry…" It was all he could say. There was nothing more they could do; it was hopeless and they were lost from the one person they left behind that they should have known they would need.

"It's not your fault. It's mine… I was too much of a coward to tell her." Ed whispered and inhaled deeply to calm himself.

He turned to look at Al, the little brother whom he had fought against the very division of dimensions and worlds to once again be reunited with. He smiled sadly though there was a genuine light of sincerity that was turned towards his only sibling, "At least you're here with me." He told him quietly; his voice low and husky as though it was trapped and scratched against his words roughly.

Al looked away instead. It still hurt his chest more than words could describe at this very moment. Ed had once again given up everything. His own happiness was forfeited yet again and he didn't even realize he had given it up till it was too late. Ed always gave up everything for others without realizing he was being a hero. He was selfish yet so selfless; he was a walking contradiction.

"I'm sorry…" Al whispered again.

Ed turned his eyes away, they grew darker in color like soiled honey, "You idiot, it's not your fault."

"I should have brought her with me. I told her… I told her what you said; about her Automail… then I turned around and left. She was crying and I left her standing there…" he hiccupped and scrubbed at his face again. "I should have brought her; and you'd be happy…"

Flinching slightly, Ed raised his eyes and blinked his eyes several times as he plopped a hand atop his brother's head and ruffled his hair affectionately, "It's not your fault, Al. Hell, I didn't even tell you… you know… about how I felt about her." He whispered, his voice again growing raspy.

"But I did know, Brother. I teased you about it; and I teased you because I knew it was true…" Al sniffled.

He pulled his hand away and shoved his hand into his pocket –his thigh tingling faintly from the touch of cold metal against his skin through the cloth of his pants.

It was her metal –the one thing she loved so dearly as to devote her entire life too. He realized he would carry that part with him, her meticulous love and passion. He would carry something of her with him forever… but that just made him ache all the more and his eyes sting once again.

Edward stood there for a long time, listening to Al cry softly within the silence of the cavernous warehouse surrounding them where smoldering pieces of debris lay strewn across the concrete flooring. The Thule Society –or what remained of them- waited just outside the giant steel doors for them, wanting to learn if they had been successful or not.

He stood there, not because he didn't know what to do, but because he wanted to stay as close to her as possible –the last place he could have reached her if only he could have done something.

If Alphonse Heidrich had been alive and not lying dead not twenty feet from them, maybe he could have done something. Maybe he could have figured a way for them to destroy it on their way home.

The what-if's ran though his mind, only haunting him further till Edward Elric did the only thing he could do. He let out a sob and lifted a hand to his face as though to hide the shame of the tears sliding down his face in smoldering torrents.

He was such a cowered. He would die knowing he never told her; and he would die also never knowing if...

Her name had been his code for 'home' in his journal. She and Al had been his only home after their mother died. And now his home was once again ripped to pieces. She'd never know the depths to which he truly felt for her.

She'd never know…

And it hurt so much.

---------- ----------

(sniffles) I'm such a horrible person! That was nothing but the most depressing piece of work EVER and I had to write it? I did feel that way though at the end of the Fullmetal Movie… I was so hoping for –SOMETHING- between them; ANYTHING more than just a hug… even if it was just a touch to the cheek and a moment of silence and their eyes did all the talking before he ran off… (sniffles) I wished so much for them to get together.

I know having Ed talk about the 'white picket fence' dream seems out of character; but I don't think it was… I really think he would want that after all his years of traveling and being tossed around and ordered around like a dog. I think that when he looks back on the happiest years of his life –it was living in that small, back-water's town in a home –a real four walls, a roof, and a yard, and a family, home. I truly believe that he would have wanted that again.

But I do think Ed would be a bachelor without Winry. Funny how that works? I just think he wouldn't have been able to be with anyone else. He's so strong willed he would need someone else like that –and granted there are hundreds of women who could fill that roll, but there's just that special something with Ed and Winry, right? … just one of those things I can't get passed.

But I hope I didn't make anyone so depressed they wanted to slit their wrists. I cried when I was writing this at work (ironic that I wrote this in the middle of a room full of people. I'm grabbing tissues and crying and they are looking at me like I'm a freak). But I did… I got all teary and I kept thinking "you're horrible! How can you write this! Oh my gosh! (sniff) I'm horrible!"

I just kept thinking of what Winry's Japanese VA said –something like: "So Ed's not going to let me wait anymore." And THAT broke my heart! ;.;

So yeah, I'm full hardcore EdXWinry.

If this oneshot pans out like I think it's starting to in my head, there might be an actual story going to form and continue from this first part, and it'll involve them getting back together. (the OVA of the Hagaren Kids made me think "there is no way his great-great (whatever) granddaughter would look that much like Winry unless…" and thus the idea was formed).

I know I'm babbling, but I guess I just had to get it out. I know no-one who wants to talk about Ed and Winry! (cries) so yeah… ya'll get the torment. ;) and I know it's a silly one-shot, but reviews are always helpful for me to know where I need to improve. And questions would be awesome for this one ;) maybe that story-idea will be kicked into gear by a question!

Thanks -

Melissa the Damgel