Methods of Persuasion

By: firefly

Note: Another silly little idea involving the Akatsuki! Namely Kisame, Deidara, Tobi, Hidan, and the Leader.

Also, beware of extreme profanity. XD Honestly, I felt dirty after finishing this.

Methods of Persuasion

It was on a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon that Kisame hesitantly approached the Leader with some bad news.

"What is it, Kisame?" the Leader asked, without looking over the pages of his newspaper.

"Well," Kisame said uncomfortably, shifting on the spot. "Sir, something seems to be wrong with the television."

"So fix it."

"No, I meant…the cable isn't working, sir."

The Leader slowly lowered his newspaper and fixed his hawkish gaze on the shark man.

Kisame swallowed nervously, taking a step back.

"You mean to tell me that the digital cable package we paid for last month is no longer working?"

Kisame nodded sheepishly.

"We're only getting regular channels, now. All the international news broadcasters aren't available anymore."

The Leader set down his newspaper and stood up, striding past Kisame. Kisame hesitantly followed, keeping a safe distance behind.

The Leader stopped in the living room, in front of the only telephone in the entire headquarters. It was pitch black, cordless, and untraceable, almost alien in its modernity. It was the only one of its kind in the entire east coast.

"Call the cable service provider," the Leader said shortly, picking up the receiver and thrusting it at Kisame.

Kisame grimaced but did as he was told, pulling out a phonebook and dialing in the cable provider's number.

"It's still not working," Deidara called from the other side of the room, flicking through the channels with Tobi by his side. "It's all static, un."

"Hello," Kisame said awkwardly, when someone answered the phone. "We're having some problems with our cable."

The Leader stood there, watching Kisame intently as he listed the code for the package they'd purchased and described what the problem was. All seemed well for at least a minute or so, but then Kisame paled.

"But it's not working. What do you mean not guaranteed…? Fine print? Three hundred and fifty dollars?"

"Kisame-san doesn't look so good," Tobi murmured to Deidara, looking concerned as the shark man began sweating bullets. "He looks so nervous with Leader-sama standing there."

Deidara nodded sagely.

"Kisame-kun hates the phone. And he hates it when people watch him talking on it. He starts stuttering, un."

As a testament to Deidara's statement, Kisame began to stutter as the Leader took a step closer and the technician on the line refused to listen to reason.

"Sir?" Kisame said weakly, putting his hand on the receiver and looking at him dejectedly. "They said we'll have to purchase another package."

He cringed immediately after saying that, expecting the Leader to chop off one of his limbs or put out an eye, but the Leader merely stood there, looking contemplative.

"Clearly," he said slowly. "These people don't know who they're dealing with."

"Let's bomb them, un!" Deidara said enthusiastically, bouncing over with his clay birds in hand. "Just give me five minutes to get there, and I'll blow them sky high!"

"That will not get us the cable back," the Leader said flatly. "Although the casualties would be somewhat satisfactory, what matters right now is that we convince them to repair the cable. Then you may bomb them to your heart's content."

"So what do we do?" Deidara asked, looking somewhat crestfallen. "Mr. Technician is being a jerk, un."

"Get Hidan," the Leader said suddenly. "He will handle this matter."

Kisame told the technician to hold and gratefully set down the receiver. Then he dashed up the stairs.

"Why Hidan-san?" Tobi asked curiously, sitting down next to Deidara on the sofa. "Is he friends with the technician?"

"Hidan is rather gifted in methods of…persuasion," the Leader answered for him. "He is able to handle interpersonal matters quite well."

"He means that Hidan will cuss that guy into next Tuesday," Deidara whispered to Tobi. "Watch, it's hilarious, un."

When Kisame returned with Hidan in tow, the religious man didn't look happy at all. The reason for that stemmed partly from the fact that he was forced to interrupt one of his rituals, and now stood before the phone looking annoyed with his chest gushing blood.

"What the hell is it?" he asked irritably, snatching up a cushion to press to his wound. "I was in the middle of a ritual."

"Cable guy made Kisame-kun cry, un."

"I didn't cry!"

"It's okay, Kisame-san. Sometimes I cry, too."

"Shut up, Tobi!"

"The problem," the Leader interrupted. "Is that the cable is no longer working."

"I knew that." Hidan said, looking surprised. "It stopped working yesterday. Are you telling me they still didn't fix it?"

"Yes, which is why you are going to convince the gentleman on the phone to come to his senses," the Leader said icily. "At the moment, he expects us to pay three hundred and fifty dollars for a new package."

"Three hundred and fifty—that asshole," Hidan cursed, turning to pick up the receiver.

"Watch this," Deidara said gleefully, elbowing Tobi as Hidan picked up the phone.

"Hey, listen," Hidan said brusquely, his impatient glare already in place and focused on the phone book. "There's a problem with the goddamned cable."

Tobi glanced around, noticing that the Leader, Deidara, and Kisame were watching Hidan as though he was about to put on a show. He didn't understand why, since Hidan was merely conversing with the cable man about the TV.

It wasn't anything special.

At least, it wasn't until the cursing started.

He talked to the technician normally for a few minutes, but then his voice began to escalate. And a minute after that, Hidan unleashed a tirade of the most foul and creative curse words Tobi had ever heard in his life.

Kisame winced and Deidara burst into hysterical giggles.

The cursing continued for another minute, and when Hidan ran out of curse words in Japanese, he started swearing in other languages. Somehow that sounded even worse.

"Look, fuckface, I don't give a shit if it takes you three fucking hours. You get your miserable ass down here and fix the fucking cable. Are you listening to me, asshole? I know we're still getting some goddamn channels. No, what the hell do you mean there's still quality programming with what we have? All we get is fucking golf! No, don't tell me there's more, shithead, I flicked through every damn channel and—no, are you fucking deaf? There isn't anything we like! What do you mean expand my horizons? Who the fuck is Martha Stewart?"

Kisame snickered and Deidara had the back of his hand pressed against his mouth to stifle his laughter.

"—would you shut up and listen? No—fuck you! Govno jedno!"

"What did Hidan-san just say?" Tobi whispered to Kisame. The shark man could only shrug helplessly in response.

"Filho da puta! I'll fucking kill you—"

Tobi gingerly placed his hands over his ears.

A few minutes passed and for a moment, it seemed as though the death threats and Hidan telling the technician to eat shit and die in Arabic had clinched it.

"Send someone over in five minutes. And tell the fucker in the green overalls to bring his own goddamn wrench. And hey, listen—if the cable doesn't work this time, not only am I gonna cancel on you, I swear to God I'm gonna take the fucking cable and shove it up your ass. No, yes…yes, put that in the package, too. It better be fucking free of charge for the shit you just put me through. I don't want your goddamn apology. Misunderstanding, my ass. What part of you fucking messed up our cable did you not understand in the first place?"

Deidara was in tears by now, both hands clamped over his mouth as he shook with held-in laughter.

"Whatever, just send the guy over. And I'm serious, if it doesn't work this time around, I'll shove it so far up your ass you'll be shitting cable for a week. Yeah, yeah, good fucking day to you, too. Schwanzlutscher." Then Hidan hung up.

Deidara burst into laughter, falling onto the carpet clutching his stomach.

"Wow, Hidan-san," Tobi said in awe. "You really let him have it."

"Bastard had it coming to him," Hidan said, looking satisfied.

"I'll say," Kisame said with a grin. "His ears will probably bleed for a week."

"Well?" the Leader said from his armchair, looking at Hidan expectantly.

"He's sending someone over right now. I got him to give us free cable for the next six months. Oh, and, three specialty channels," Hidan said smugly, looking extremely pleased with himself.

The Leader nodded in approval.


"Specialty channels?" Deidara questioned, getting a hold of himself and sitting up. "Like porn?"

"Eww." Tobi cringed.

"No, dumbass," Hidan said, before striding over to the Leader and handing him a page torn out of the phone book and a pen.

"We get to choose from this list, sir. You can pick any three."

The Leader stared at him appraisingly for a moment, then looked down at the list with the pen in hand. Almost immediately, he circled two denoting surveillance footage from various villages, then paused before handing the paper and pen back to Hidan.

Hidan raised an eyebrow.

"Sir, there's one more…"

"I'm aware. As a reward, you may choose the last one."

"What? Seriously?"

The Leader just gave him a look and Hidan backed off, grinning sheepishly.

"Thanks, sir."


"Let's see, let's see, un!" Deidara said excitedly, leaning forward to look over Hidan's shoulder at the paper. "Ooh, there's one on art!"

"And kangaroos," Tobi gasped, pointing. "Kangaroos every hour of every day, Hidan-san!"

Hidan gave him an odd look.

"Who the hell would want to watch a channel dedicated to fucking kangaroos?"

"Someone with a strange fetish, un," Deidara said with a perverted snicker.

Hidan suddenly realized how odd his question sounded and smacked Deidara upside the head.

"I think we should let Hidan-san choose," Tobi said, tugging on Deidara's sleeve. "He did earn the privilege, after all!"

"But I want the art channel," Deidara whined, even as Tobi started dragging him away.

Hidan glanced down at the paper for a few seconds, then immediately circled his choice.

The God is Love network needed more viewers, anyway.

Note: If anyone was wondering what Hidan was saying in the other languages, here you go. XD

Govno jedno - you piece of shit (Bosnian, Serbian, Croatian)

Kul khara we moot - eat shit and die (Arabic)

Filho da puta - son of a bitch (Portuguese)

Schwanzlutscher - cocksucker (German)